In the not-too-distant past -
Last Sunday A.D. -
There was a guy named Yuri,
Way too different from you or me.
He fought to save world many times,
Alongside with his girlfriend Alice.
He did a good job fixing up the place,
But his enemies didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
Gilbert: We'll send him cheesy fanfiction,
Nicolai: The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his sanity (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Yuri can't control
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To mess with Nicolai.
Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Shania! (I'm not a stripper!)
Alice! (My dad picked my dress out.)
Johnny! (How can we escape?)
Yuuuri! (I'm the guy.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a story,
I should really just relax (Really)
For Mystery Science Theater 1000!"
"Well…"
"Huh."
"Okay."
"Whatever."
The four just stood around the buzzing predictor, pondering about what the machine had just predicated. This had to be something bizarre enough to shake them, considering the last major story they tackled. What could have made the Harmonixer, the Key of Light, the Awaker and the Fusioner stop and think about what sort of monstrosity is before them?
"A Twilight story?" Asked Yuri, with a sense of dread.
"That's what it says." Alice weakly said, throwing her arms up.
"The Temptation of Edward Cullen. A Mary-Sue story, no doubt." Johnny announced, using his detective skills.
"I have a feeling we should get used to this sort of stories from now on." Shania said under her breath before returning to her book.
"Indeed you should!" Gilbert's loud hoarse voice roared over the monitor. "Theses sort of stories are the easiest to find! Just turn your head around in any fanfiction site and BOOM! You found a story featuring a unoriginal character romancing a hetero (Often turning a gay character) canon character and offing someone of the same sex as the new character. And TVTropes are more than happy to write a page about the worst!"
"You found this through My Immortal, didn't you?" Yuri meekly asked.
"Along with others for later." Gilbert crossed his hands. "Now, citizen of the Hunk of Junk, Nicolai is gone for the duration of this story on his vacation, so I now have complete control over your destiny of madness. In fact, I should lock him out and deny him the opportunity to torment his enemies!"
"He probably would like that." Johnny added.
"I'm not surprised he didn't lock you in." Shania joked. Gilbert stared for a second before leaping up and off the screen. The sounds of furiously knocking and yelling came over the monitor, before it stopped and Gilbert returned, looking more agitated than evil.
"Into the theater!" He shouted as he smashed the button.
*Wheep* *Wheep* *Wheep*
"MOVIE SIGN!"
Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa).
Yuri: Or Tara.
I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington!
Alice: The greyest city in the world!
My hair is long and pale like spun gold
Johnny: Fool's gold!
and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist.
Shania: So she's bald and her hair is an illusion?
My eyes are deep forgetminot blue
Yuri: But I remember minot!
Johnny: More like forgetme!
Shania: Boo.
and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.
Alice: In other words, she lives in the basement.
I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, guys that I'm real pretty
Johnny: Including some guy named Gerald Way.
and look like a model or a bunny girl
Shania: Or a mummy girl.
(some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!)
Yuri: Her variation of 'really' is usually 2 or 3.
but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story.
Alice: The right story!
They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal
Johnny: Ghosts shouldn't date the living anyway.
and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about,
Shaina: Screw being healthy! I rather kill myself before I eat a slice of American cheese!
but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders
Yuri: A overinflated author who cares.
Alice: Did she imply she's faking a eating disorder?
Syl: Look, I'm against using racial stereotypes and other stereotypes, but I think the author would yell at me if I use the word black to describe a painting.
Yuri: Syl…
Syl: I'm leaving…
(btw i'm so totally not anorexic!
Alice: She's just 2D.
I eat loads I just never gain weight
Johnny: Eating a entire can of peas doesn't count as a load.
and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways,
Shania: But not fat enough to be considered human.
I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE!
Yuri: Well.
Alice: She's pleasant.
Johnny: Tara was too stupid to hold grudges.
Shania: Never use fanfiction to voice your revenge.
Sorry, I'm not really such a batch
Alice: You're just a bitch!
Shania: ALICE!
Alice: …dear god…they're winning…
Yuri: Alice, hold on!
but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)
Johnny: I would at least try to know her.
Shania: And I wouldn't introduce myself by throwing my own feces.
Alice: It makes sense if she was talking about herself.
Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs
Shania: Pfft. She's a generic anime fanservice girl.
that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me!
Yuri: She doesn't care about her body at all, huh?
I have a lip ring
Alice: It makes eating harder but makes for a interesting conservation.
and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair.
Johnny: Despaira The Gothic Clown!
I smell like mint and cinnamon.
Shania: Toothpaste also works as a body wash.
I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music!
Yuri: And this is how you remind me,
Of what I really am,
This is how you remind me,
Of what I really am!
It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie.
Alice: They're horrible parents. They give her love and affection!
They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family.
Alice: Called it.
I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much.
Johnny: Then stop wearing the bulls-eye shirt!
My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad.
Shania: On the account you killed her.
I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him.
Yuri: But what are the chances of meeting him in this story?
Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school.
Alice: Those kind words only mean to hurt her.
Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it.
Johnny: Maybe they're staring at your stupid rebellion of the school dress code.
I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me.
Shania: She's good at ignoring everything.
I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number
Yuri: So they could block it in advance.
(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!)
Alice: Oh, just say asses. I know you want to!
and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak!
Johnny: Yeah right. She says STFU to everyone.
Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore!
Shania: I don't care about how people look at me, but if they share a opinion I don't like, I will murder them!
My first day I was relay board,
Yuri: So are we.
Alice: We're a phone's operator tool?
Yuri: That's not what I meant!
I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning,
Alice: Oh look. That cloud looks like a iron pipe.
Yuri: That one looks a sheet of metal.
Johnny: There's a metal briefcase.
Shania: There's a grey scarf.
My teachers all looked at me disprovable
Johnny: At the very least raise your hand.
but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,.
Shania: Actually, the cutbacks have forced more students on them and less pay…
My ears are pierced four times,
Yuri: She decided not to remove the bullets.
I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!)
Alice: Stupid?
on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life.
Johnny: Can't these gothic heroines ever wear something happy, like a Hello Kitty chain?
Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this,
Shania: Oh, why stop?
well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl.
Yuri: I'm a man.
Alice: I'm a baby.
Johnny: I'm actually 21.
Shania: I'm a secret agent.
I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand.
Alice: She can talk to squirrels!
When I sleep I hear whispers in another language
Johnny: English.
and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it!
Shania: Which is why I can remember all of this!
I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes
Yuri: Don't worry. I see Tommy Wisaeau in my dream all the time!
and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color!
Alice: Tiana, The Girl Who Should Have Died.
I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people.
Johnny: She's Super Moron!
Yuri: Aren't anti-lopes the slowest creature on the savanna?
I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure,
Shania: She's so thin, the wind just carries her to the finish line!
I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire.
Yuri: And stupid.
The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!
Alice: Play it backwards for a satanic message!
Johnny: Live the good life in the off world colonies!
Yuri: Be sure to drink your ovaltine!
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me.
Johnny: Sadly, no one had a power level over 9000.
It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT
Shania: The Pyro has found the Spy! Finish him off!
dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features.
Yuri: Pale and sexy don't belong in the same sentence.
He was tall and mussel
Alice: Please clam up.
Shania: …letting it slide…
and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once
Johnny: She should move away from the heater behind her and the air conditioning vent above her.
as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before
Shania: Save for the posters in her room.
and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt!
Yuri: Twilight is forgettable?!
A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant
Alice: Hey, Bella summed up! Nice!
so i thought well whatevah, hes taken.
Johnny: Story over! Bye!
Alice: Doors won't open.
Yuri: Since when do Mary-Sues think that any man is taken?
She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though.
Shania: She just needed a noperation.
I figured I was maybe prettier then her.
Yuri: Oh, you know you are. Don't try to attempt to make a character after all the crap you told about you.
I never really saw myself as beautiful
Alice: I viewed myself as a goddess.
but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low.
Johnny: So instead of the Mary Sue taking the lover interest by force, the story is going to engineer some stupid way to break up the canon couple?
Yuri: Yep. Bella is about to take a trip to Brazil and disappear into the jungle.
So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there.
Shania: Colin Mochrie is Mr. White in Breaking Bad.
As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine.
Yuri: As a passing glance.
I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class.
Alice: Now, if only the ceiling didn't have so many light fixtures she would get there faster.
I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!
Johnny: POOPIE! POOPIE! POPPPPPIIE!
"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems)
Shania: Yes, but your anger shall bring you to greater heights in your new career as a Sith overlord!
"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven
Yuri: Get a mop! The female angels' clothes can be seen through!
"please forgive me my lady"
It was the hawt pale guy!
Alice: Slenderman!
The anger faded form my sapphire eyes
Johnny: As she looked down.
"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride"
Shania: I didn't mean to turn you on.
Alice: Hey, the decent grammar and spelling is gone.
"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said,
Yuri: He's Voldermort from My Immortal! Or Tom, Vampire, Mud…whatever.
and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.
Alice: And stripped down to nothing.
"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?"
Johnny: Are thee a lad or a lass?
"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa"
Shania: Or Brick. Your choice.
i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy!
Yuri: The difference being?
His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.
Alice: Cute, but how is he different from the other guys who lusted after you?
"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek
Johnny: You remind of a friend who dwelled in a brothel in ye old England.
"thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""
Shania: Thou have the face of a repulsive, screaming reptile.
"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.
Yuri: As far as you know, they're good friends.
Shania: Makes more sense that way.
"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now.
Alice: This is the second story with rape implications. What gives?
He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me!
Johnny: Yeah, kissing. On the neck, with his sharp fangs deep in your skin…
I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon.
Shania: Good! Kill her! One less problem to deal with!
I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top.
Yuri: He's looking for his keys.
He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs.
Alice: Man-n-n c-car-rrot-t?
Shania: THAT'S THE MOST HORRID THING I EVER HEARD!
And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor.
Johnny: Doped it full of bald drugs!
We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF
Shania: And also thinking why he's still fully clothed.
Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you?
Yuri: Yes!
I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death!
Alice: But then she got over it.
I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.
Johnny: Down the line, she won't regret this.
-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed
Shania: Not until the next chapter!
"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time.
Yuri: But mostly aroused.
At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible! I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.
Alice: This story is trying to make the romance more believable…but this is a Twilight fanfic. Hardly does it work.
"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes
Johnny: Tear gas?
"your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?
Shania: Are we in the same gaming league? You got your badge?
"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)
Yuri: How about…POLICE! HELP!
"thy a CAMPIRE tia!
Alice: Camp indeed!
a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE!
Johnny: There are plenty of thoughtless people in the world, Edward.
WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!"
Shania: NOTHING AT AAALLLLLL!
He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red.
Yuri: He's actually doing vampire things!
I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall.
Alice: At long last, Edward is doing the world a favor!
His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick between his legs
Johnny: And then she hit him with her front-loaded anvils!
and he drubbed over in pan. I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me.
Shania: FATALITY!
"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes.
Yuri: Don't give the fangirl a present!
I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.
Alice: I was suddenly blind! I couldn't see anything! I don't know why!
"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!"
Johnny: No, this is just stupid!
"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body.
Shania: He would be 'hawt' if he pooped his pants and was vomiting!
I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire
Yuri: But it was so racist!
(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)
Alice: Well, she did give 'My Immortal' a five star review and post it on the school blog.
and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt.
Johnny: She preferred ninja rather than pirate.
I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class.
Shania: Don't forget to kick him.
As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand
Yuri: That's just a normal reaction to high school math classes.
as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)
Alice: it didn't glint silver or platinum! GOLD!
then I fell over. The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist.
Johnny: Hey, isn't she wearing only her bra?
Alice: How dare a man help me up and look at my exposed bra!
I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)
Shania: Kung fool!
as he gazed longingly after me. In his frickin dreams.
Yuri: Or in about a week.
I sat down at the back of the class unable to think
Alice: Not actually having the ability to think in the first place.
about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen,
Johnny: And Jello. Who doesn't think about Jello?
wondering what it all could mean.
Shania: Don't get existential on us, you're Twilight!
Shadow Hearts could use a HD collection. Seriously. Also, considering that the series, including Koudelka, has always been on the PS, I would go out and buy every copy of Playstation All-Stars if one of the characters popped up.
Kiryu Kazuma from the Yakuza series would do as well.