"Psst."
"Psst!"
"They can hear you."
"Just checking." Johnny messed with the mic attached to his shirt. "Hello, and welcome back to the Hunk of Junk. Uhh…we have some problems going on now, but the third part of the story is coming up in a few minutes. Gilbert is letting it play on auto-execute, and he's going to check on us at the end."
"The reason why he's doing that instead of trying to menace us?" Yuri tapped his mic. "Well…"
"COME OUT!"
"That."
Yuri peeked his head out. Alice was there, but not wearing her usual clothes and doing things like she normally would. Instead, she wore something like Yuri wore during their first adventure, but mostly black-colored. She wore her hair in a long-ponytail tied with a thin rag instead of a ribbon. She was punching random things. Despite her petite size, she was dealing some major damage. Walls and other stationary objects had sizable holes in them, and the objects that could be moved, such as pots and pans, were sent flying across the room. And Alice had no intention of cleaning anything up.
"Yeah, Alice has gone down the road of destruction…just like Gilbert wanted." Yuri explained. "She wants to fight us all the time…so today's riffing will be interesting."
"And Shania…" Johnny nervously said. "She went under her own transformation."
"Oh, Alice, please calm down." Shania hopped in, wearing a ridiculous dress. Pink, pink, and more pink. A hippie dress in perfect description. Flowers adorned her hair and a unnatural smile was glued to her face. She approached Alice as she was destroying a lamp with unneeded force. "No need to…."
WHACK
Shania went cold to the ground from a single punch.
"Well, Alice at least is getting physically stronger." Yuri commented.
"There you are!" Alice roared. Yuri eeped like a mouse and ran off as Alice grabbed a coffee table and pursued. Johnny remained hidden until he could hear the sounds of wood cracking against bone. Johnny then leaped over the couch and picked up Shania from the ground.
"I'm fine, Mr. Garland." She said without a ounce of pain in her voice. "Violence can't hurt my peaceful spirit."
"Keep that up." Johnny said under his breath.
*Wheep* *Wheep* *Wheep*
"STORY SIGN!" Yuri yelled from the other room. "ARGH!" He yelled as a table leg bounced off his head and into the room where Johnny was trying to drag Shania into the theater. "COME ON ALICE!"
It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside.
Yuri: Tell us about it!
My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind.
Alice: Phantasmagoria!
the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star.
Johnny: It's recalling the beach scene without recalling the beach. Amazing!
It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week
Shania: But most importantly, I lost my ball!
and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened.
Yuri: You know, this story asks the question, who's fault is this?
Alice: Tiana not for telling anyone for the repeated assaults?
Johnny: Dave and Marie for not noticing the bleeding obvious?
Shania: Somehow, the story makes Uncle Rape the sensible character!
Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him
Alice: To the port so he wouldn't drift off to sea.
and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass.
Johnny: Let's recount both the hall scene and the beach scene now! Just to remind people!
I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni,
Shania: The Legion Girls!
who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders
Yuri: Abbigaille is a black mage, Rochelle was the warrior, Tyfanni was the thief, and I was the white mage!
i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard
Alice: 'Cause I figured it would be smart, therefore stupid.
but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways.
Johnny: Good for you! End the story already!
I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch
Shania: And Edward was there, with the cheerleaders…
Alice: Fill in the rest!
"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me
"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly
Yuri: But you're going to win anyway.
Johnny: We all know it!
"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted Abigail
Alice: Remember that time you hummed The Ittsy Bittsy Spider?
Shania: It even went platinum, outselling Thriller!
Johnny: And then you followed it up with the burp version of McDonald's jingle!
Yuri: That was great! I remember it like was yesterday!
"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person"
Johnny: More than willing to launch into a rant about her beauty, but here comes Edward and a speech on how great he is!
"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said,
Shania: We need to move the plot forward! Come on!
"jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying,
Yuri: Shouldn't them being cheerleaders get them banned from the contest for using their routine?
Johnny: We need villains in this story!
they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!"
Alice: Show them true lack of talent!
"I dunno maybe" I pimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.
Johnny: But you will!
Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest.
Alice: Oh, so she going to be a hero and jump on the stage and win the contest!
The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome, they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked.
Johnny: Yet more rule breaking that should get the cheerleaders disqualified!
At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me.
Shania: He's a cheater! But I hate his girlfriend and I'm jealous!
they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream.
Yuri: Dear god, GET OVER YOURSELF!
The principal caked up on the stage and said
Alice: I rather be a pie! THANK YOU!
"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked
Johnny: We need to have our main character win this contest!
"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed
Shania: Oh, that wacky vampire!
"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.
Yuri: Get up there and win!
I sang total eclipse of the heart
Alice: That's the perfect way to explain my emotions right now.
(punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0
Johnny: I removed the original's emotions and replaced with AWESOMENESS!
and everyone watched me.
Shania: For all of two seconds before watching a rat stealing a loaf of bread.
I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves
Yuri: The rat was carrying a loaf four times its size! That's talent!
(exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL)
Alice: They were going to eat that loaf, but they couldn't leave their seats.
so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic.
Johnny: Look! A cat ran! The rat dropped the loaf and is now fighting for his life!
Shania: I bet on the rat!
Yuri: What's that screeching sound?
I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra
Shania: Cheerleaders outfit sanctioned by the school are slutty but not a shirt that shows the bra of a minor? Only in the world of a Mary Sue!
and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels.
Yuri: While signing a song for the school talent show, it's important to list what clothes you are wearing.
Johnny: IdolAsshole!
the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends
Alice: THE RAT BEAT THE CAT! THE RAT BEAT THE CAT!
Shania: And he got the loaf through his hole!
Yuri: Let's give him the reward!
"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said
but i was smiling
Johnny: But, knowing her, she meant it!
"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!"
Shania: It was the rat! He needed someone boring to draw attention to him!
"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " the principal screamed extatically.
Yuri: …don't you mean predictably?
I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao.
Alice: I already had plans to kill them anyway!
My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me.
Johnny: Why can't she be Colin Mochorie?
I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous.
Shania: Unlike me, who I only want to be normal!
I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection
Yuri: His mancarrot garden is going to rake in this year!
it was so hawt and sexoy. I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.
Alice: As they walked into the blades…
Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me.
Johnny: It was a Cat-lliac.
Shania: That was bad!
Johnny: Thank you!
It was ewdard!
Shania: And Alphonse!
"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech.
Yuri: Just ignore the rope and the glue on the seat!
I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite
Alice: Ah. The famous quiet car scene from the first Twilight movie, now recreated in…this thing.
"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight.
Johnny: Like rich velvet cake on a cool winter day.
Yuri: Like a cold cherry popsicle during the summer carnival.
Shania: Like a peppermint after a hearty meal.
Alice: Like pooping out a bad lunch.
Yuri: DEAR GOD!
Alice: No regrets.
You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church.
Shania: Peeling, faded colors, and tacky.
i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt.
Yuri: Don't worry; the erection will come to you!
Shania: The power of cock commands you!
"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"
Alice: Let's just say she gone on her fall break.
"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest"
Johnny: A talent contest made her cry? A contest with no prize broke her down?
Yuri: By better, we mean not much.
"how mature" I said sacastically.
Alice: Compared to you, Ms. Anti-Beauty.
At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face
Johnny: You fool! You parked illegally!
'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!" I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest
Shania: But as a white mage, she only did one damage with each strike.
"last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down!
Yuri: I didn't you want to have sex with you, but I begged!
Johnny: I can't decide…whenever you should live or die!
I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"
Alice: YOU'RE TEARING ME APAPRT EDWARD!
"its complecated tiaa my lady.
Johnny: I'm a alien from a planet where all the people have vegetable genitalia.
Im sorry i hurt thine feelings.
Shania: I didn't mean to turn you on.
Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!"
Yuri: The story finally admits the truth!
"its me or her "i said bluntly
Alice: Both are Renegade options.
"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept
"you are going to have to!"
Johnny: I want to use a lifeline!
"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"
Shania: What is your favorite color?
"my mom dies when I was bored , I never new my father. Thats it." i said
Yuri: That's all I ever cared.
"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"
Alice: I have a family and you don't. Nah nah nah!
-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"
"you don't drink human blood"- he asked
Johnny: Twilight doesn't believe in drinking blood.
"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!"
Shania: At least a real, happy laugh.
i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.
Yuri: A hundred miles away from home, and with wolves stalking behind her.
i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again!
Alice: At least until the next chapter.
I went home.
Johnny: My uncle raped me again and my dinner got burnt.
But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection and deadly cold body.
Shania: The dead don't rise!
i cut myself and went to sleep in tears.
Yuri: Like in My Immortal, cutting doesn't hurt at all nor effect anything.
Oh ewdard with your skin so white
Your eyes like amber out of sight
Alice: I wish this was out of sight.
Pale angel in my eyes
Hair like gold rosy sunrise-
Johnny: Penis tall and straight as a carrot…
I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself.
Shania: You couldn't help it because you wanted to!
I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings.
Yuri: You could kill him. Just saying.
Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance.
Alice: Don't bother, the plot stopped after the second chapter!
A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there.
Johnny: Danny Phantom?
"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned
Shania: Who's got my daughter?
"who are you?" i wispa quietly
Yuri: Are you Santa?
"i am your FATHER!
Alice: Edward never told you about your real father, oh crap, I got the lines out of order!
I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI!
Johnny: YOUR PIZZA WAS LATE SO IT'S FREE!
Your in terror and peril my daugher! Beware the vampire boy called edward!"
Shania: I think he's gay!
"why?" I said
"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE!
Yuri: As a member of a vampire secret society, I don't want you to be a vampire. Nope. Not at all.
And you will never be safe!
Alice: Internet trolls will never give you any peace!
Only as a human can you be safe from them..." then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.
Johnny: Oh dear, would you look at time?
"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut! " said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth
Shania: Don't have sex with her, you get fungi on your fun thing!
"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me.
Yuri: And that cane he used to move around everywhere was too thin for me to grab.
He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed .
Alice: His grease is strong enough to pull a truck out of a swamp using a RC car!
I new he was going to rape me again.
Johnny: But this time, Marie and Dave had bought a tape recorder.
But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD!
Shania: Dear god, he hit Uncle Rape with his mancarrot!
"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"
Yuri: Oh, nothing important.
"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on.
Alice: And he burnt my dinner!
Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me ,
Johnny: He had this third eye for that!
and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.
Shania: Poem? I thought it was her grocery list!
"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved"
Yuri: To move out of this state!
he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee"
"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask
Alice: He lost a bet.
" Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly.
Johnny: Which is why I speak like this all the damn time good lady!
Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds.
Shania: She mostly ignored people who wanted to give her love and presents.
I dont know watt made her change,
Yuri: Maybe it was you?
maybe it is mine fault,
Alice: He admitted it!
she just seems angry all the time now."
Johnny: She should stop watching the Irate Gamer.
"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.
Shania: I don't care.
We left the house and went to walk in the woods.
Yuri: Hey look! The tree I climbed up with my previous girlfriend!
Alice: It's still wet!
Yuri: ALICE!
We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon.
Alice: She talks about how ugly she was all the damn time, but when she has a normal conservation with someone who is willing to put up with her, she skips it over. Like it doesn't matter at all.
We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic.
Johnny: So we don't have to explain it at all!
"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say
Shania: That's so wise. All right, I'll do it!
"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her.
Yuri: She says that if you went out for ice cream.
I could not be responsable for her death! I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady.
Alice: Maybe it was the copies of Asshole Weekly?
And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!"
Johnny: As a gentleman, I can't curse! Save for the times I have. It's the dammnest thing!
He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.
Shania: He broke a twig in half! It must be super-strength!
Alice: Because super-strength is the sign of a vampire, ye who doesn't believe in vampires!
"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore
Yuri: Sore from all slapping Edward was doing for that statement.
"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too.
Alice: I can see your little mancarrot!
I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object.
Johnny: And yank! Ready for the harvest!
We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love.
Shania: The bugs crawled up Edward's butt.
It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines.
Yuri: Okay, can do!
Alice: More than happy!
Johnny: God, strike her down!
Shania: BANG!
But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.
Alice: I had sex without protection!
"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.
Johnny: Edward, you'll never gain experience if you keep running away!
I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me.
Shania: I was happy, but I then I was sad.
Alice: As the author, I didn't want me to have a moment of rest.
i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream.
Yuri: Edward, come back and ungag her!
But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent.
Alice: Puberty started to kick in, so my boobs could now get bigger.
I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire!
Johnny: I forgot about information just told to me just a hour ago!
My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before!
Shania: Vamp Contacts. The finest contacts available to vampire kind.
I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away.
Yuri: 39 people were having sex right now in the Washington state area.
I even wanted to drink blood!and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here
Alice: It's a video game tutorial!
"There you are you horrid SLUG " it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!"
Johnny: FOR I AM UNCLE RAPE!
Something in me snaped.
Shania: Hopefully your neck.
I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood!
Yuri: He's only half-empty.
i had always ben strong for my size
Alice: Her big boobs crushed his head!
but now i was SUPER strong!
Johnny: Now her breasts can crush skyscapers!
He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead!
Shania: Oh boy…we can go!
One more. Just...one more.
I will now take suggestions for the next story to be riffed.