Author's Note: This was written in dedication of the 10th anniversary of The Lion King 1 1/2's original release on February 10, 2004. It has been a whole decade since The Lion King became a trilogy, and following in the footsteps (pawprints?) of the last parody I did, I decided this would be my way of commemorating the occasion.
I should probably warn you now that I took a lot more risks with this one than I did in the Simba's Pride parody, so some of the scenes may be a lot more outlandish and grotesque than the last one. The reason I did this was because The Lion King 1 1/2 itself is more outlandish than the other two films, so it felt appropriate to apply the same thing to this spoof. Also, here's something I forgot to mention before: When I wrote the 15th anniversary parody of Simba's Pride, I intended it to be a Youtube video in the style of Brock's Dubs, where I dub my voice over the scenes and make it look like they're saying the lines. As a result, I couldn't have them physically do anything that strayed from the actual footage. But after constant software and hardware problems, I decided to just post it as a fanfic. With this parody, I intended it to be a fanfic from the beginning, so I wasn't entirely limited by the actual scenes anymore and therefore I could let my imagination let loose a little bit more.
I do not own the rights to this film. the Lion King 1 1/2 belongs to Walt Disney, and this is strictly for fun. So without further ado, Enjoy!
The Lion King 1 1/2 Parody
The sun rises. The savannah is beautifully lit by its light. Suddenly Timon pauses the film, revealing that it was only a movie. He and Pumbaa are sitting side by side silhouetted in a theatre. Timon appears to be hopelessly drunk.
TIMON (Slurred speech)
H-hey Pumbaa! I-I jus' love this movie, ya' know that? I love it so much, I jus' wanna... hug it.
PUMBAA (Annoyed)
Why did I agree to this?
Suddenly, Timon starts fast-forwarding the film.
PUMBAA
Hey, what the hell are you doing, Timon?
TIMON
I'm... I'm trying to find the part wh-where we... where we watch Simba and Nala... g-get it ooon!
PUMBAA
But you can't show that in a kid's movie!
TIMON
B-bite me, ya fat warthog.
Pumbaa sighs.
PUMBAA
Look, here's an idea. Couldn't we just start from the beginning since this movie doesn't show everything?
TIMON (Hiccuping)
H-hey! I've got an idea! H-how about... about we start from the b-beginn...ni... beginning! Show em' what this... ffriggin movie doesn't!
Timon rewinds the movie now.
PUMBAA (To himself)
I knew I shouldn't've made him do the Twilight drinking game.
Timon rewinds the film to the beginning. Scene fades out. Scene fades back to Timon's old home, where many meerkats are digging tunnels constantly. We see Timon's Ma and Uncle Max together.
MA
Hey Max, have you seen Timon anywhere?
MAX
Uhh... no...
MA
Come on, Max. Tell me where he is.
MAX
Ma, do you really want to know?
MA (Sighing)
What's he doing this time?
Suddenly, loud, slurred and drunken screaming is heard. Further down the tunnel they're in, Timon comes ramming through everything riding in a shopping cart with several bottles of booze with him. He appears to be enjoying it greatly.
MAX
That would be Timon.
Timon rides past them in the cart, ripping down the tunnel as he goes. Suddenly the shopping cart flips over a rock and Timon smacks into a wall, smashing and spilling the glass booze bottles everywhere. The tunnel collapses around him.
TIMON
M-my name is... is Timon. And... t-this, this is my audition for Jackass.
MA
Not again.
While the other meerkats walk away in disgust, Ma helps him off the wall.
TIMON
Mama, y-you was recordin' that... right? Yous gots that for my Jackass tape, wasn't ya'?
Ma helps him walk as she takes him to a grass field. She sounds rather gentle and supportive.
MA
Timon, this can't go on. Just this week you've tried to audition for Jackass six times, and you've collapsed nine tunnels because of it.
TIMON
Well... w-what's so bad about wantin' to be on TV, Ma?
MA
Well for starters, we're meerkats. We don't have a camera, and animals can't really get on Jackass.
TIMON
So... wait, so yous wasn't recordin'?
Brief pause.
MA
Timon, maybe digging tunnels just isn't your thing.
She pushes the grass away.
MA (Continued)
You could try something else around here. I'm sure there's something you'd be good at.
TIMON
Yeah? L-like... like what?
Max suddenly pops in from the grass.
MAX
For the love of all that's sacred, please don't say sentry duty! Don't say sentry duty!
MA
Uh... I was actually going to say he could go out and see if those lions a few miles down could help with that. But your idea doesn't sound bad, Max.
MAX
F*ck me, I'm stupid.
Scene changes to Timon being prepared for sentry duty. Max is with him, and Timon appears to be mostly sober.
MAX
Now Timon, it's been a whole day since your last drunken incident. Can I trust you to keep it that way?
TIMON
Yeah, I guess.
MAX
Good. Now this is all you've gotta do, Timon. Just stay up on this rock, and yell if you see any hyenas.
TIMON
And... this is gonna work how?
MAX
What?
TIMON
I mean how do we know they'll come in from this way? They could come in from a different direction at any time, Max.
MAX (To himself)
On second thought, maybe you should just stay drunk if you're going to think like that.
MAX (Continued to Timon)
Well just keep at that, kid. You watch for hyenas, and the rest of us will head out for that mosh pit we've got tonight.
TIMON
Wait, there was a mosh pit today?
MAX
See ya!
Max runs off, and Timon sighs. He climbs up on the rock and looks around.
TIMON
Well, I'm already bored.
Timon looks down and reaches for a beer bottle. He opens it.
TIMON
Ma did say not to have any more of this... aw what the hell, what's a little bit gonna do?
Three hours later, Timon is pointing out into the distance.
TIMON (Slurred speech)
They's takinn- the hobbits to... to... Isegur... w-wait, where's they takin' the hobbits again?
Timon stands up on the rock.
TIMON
Hey! W-wheres they takin- the hobbits? W-wes gossa save them!
Suddenly the hyenas Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed show up. They surround Timon.
SHENZI
Definitely no place you'd want to be.
Timon looks up. His eyes widen when he sees Shenzi.
TIMON
Oh... my gosh... y-yous is-is the... the hottest thing I've eva'seen! Holy crap... you... yous is betta' lookin' then anything I'ves seens in Max's magazines!
SHENZI
Yep, he's wasted. Come on guys.
The three hyenas run off past him, They go forth and wreak havoc upon the colony's mosh pit. Timon watches this dazed and confused.
TIMON
Did... did I dos that?
He stumbles down the rock, cracking his beer bottle. He looks confused, but is suddenly pulled underground by Ma. He lands right on top of her.
TIMON
Ma! Ma! I-I've just think I'ms in love, Ma!
MA
Would you get off me! I can't breathe!
All the meerkats scramble to get underground. Most of them do, but Max is chased by the three hyenas. He runs forth as Timon and Ma poke their heads out of the ground and look at him.
TIMON
Hey Max! C-comes here if yous don't wanna be dead!
MAX
I'm gonna kill you, Timon!
He runs forth and leaps for the hole. But just before he does, the film suddenly goes to static for a second. Much to Timon and Pumbaa's surprise, the film cuts to a sex tape of Kiara and Kovu that they took for no apparent reason.
TIMON
Hey! Wh-who put this here?
PUMBAA
Oh crap! Timon, switch it back! Switch it back before somebody sees this!
With his whole body wobbling, he looks around for the remote before finding it and switching back to the movie.
PUMBAA
Timon, why did you cut that in?! Simba's gonna kill us if he finds out we took that!
TIMON
S-Simba? Whats about the princess and hers emo boyfr-friend? That's the one's who... who's gonna kill uses!
PUMBAA
What are they even doing in this movie anyway?
TIMON
Hey, you knows what? I-I say is was rude... r-u-d not to re...eal...y mention thems somewhere in dis!
PUMBAA
Yeah... actually you do have a point. They really should've acknowledged the second move somewhere in this. It was the reason this is called 1 1/2 and not 2.
Brief pause
TIMON
Sorry... what weres we talkin' about again?
PUMBAA
If we get caught with that tape, I'm blaming you.
They return their attention back to the movie. Max goes into the tunnel in the ground, apparently injured. Everyone except Ma now looks upon Timon with scorn.
TIMON
So... how wass the... m-mosh pit... pit, yeah, pit?
Brief silence.
MAX
Thanks to you... worse than Twilight.
The meerkats walk away, and Timon looks somewhat disheartened, as does Ma. Scene changes to Timon on a rock out in a field. Ma comes up to him.
MA
Timon?
He screams all of a sudden. He calms down now.
TIMON
Oh, iss just you, Ma. I... I thought it was one of them telemarketers... tryin' to s-sell me frickin' real-estate or some old bullsh*t.
MA
Timon, I know you messed up today. But we can get past this, can't we?
TIMON
N-no, Ma. M-Max said the mosh pit wases worse den... than Twilight.
MA
Oh come on, he's probably never even read that.
TIMON
Have you?
Ma tries to say something, but decides against it.
TIMON
I... I think I should just go now... to find a new home.
MA
Are you sure?
TIMON
I... I'll be back if those f*cking hyenas don't kill me.
Brief pause as Ma gives him one last look.
MA
Well... I hope you make it, Timon.
With that, Timon walks off into the distance.
MA (Calling to him)
If you find Disney's frozen head, send it back here!
Timon walks off. Night falls, and he ends up by Rafiki's tree. Out of nowhere he starts to cry.
TIMON (Sobbing)
Where are my booze? I want my booze! I hate bein' s-sober dammit!
Suddenly Rafiki appears out of nowhere. He is laughing.
RAFIKI
You say you hate being sober, do you?
TIMON
Aw, what's it to ya, crazy... monkey?
RAFIKI
I see you're trying to find a new home. Dat is good.
TIMON
How'd you know?
RAFIKI
I read ahead in de script.
Brief pause.
RAFIKI
To find what you're looking for, you must look beyond what you see.
Timon squints to look out in the distance. Eventually, he sees Pride Rock.
TIMON
Y-yeah! The big pointy rock! I'll bet they have... tons of booze there!
RAFIKI
Dat's not what I-
TIMON
Thanks, you weird ass baboon! Have fun drawing your terrible rage comics or whatever!
Rafiki sighs as he watches Timon walk off. Later on, he walks through a grass field getting more and more sober by the minute. Suddenly, he hears strange noises around him.
TIMON
Hello? Oh come on, I already told you! I don't want your god damn real-estate!
Suddenly he hears something roar. Scared, he scrams off until he runs into the warthog named Pumbaa, who is currently wearing headphones with an iPod mounted on his back. They both scream. Abruptly, Timon pauses the film.
TIMON
And... and the fanfiction begins.
PUMBAA
Ugh, don't remind me about that.
They unpause the film. Timon and Pumbaa stop screaming.
TIMON
Please don't sell me anything, I know my rights!... I think.
PUMBAA (Taking off the headphones)
Whoa easy, easy there little guy, I'm not gonna sell you anything.
TIMON
You're not? Then why were you stalking me?
PUMBAA
Uh... no reason... I hope.
TIMON
And what's with the iPod?
PUMBAA
Oh, uh I've kind of been meaning to get rid of this thing. See, everyone hates my music, and they normally stay away from me.
TIMON
They do? Even the carnivores?
PUMBAA
Yeah, they say I make their ears bleed.
TIMON
You don't say...
Brief pause.
TIMON
Hey, you wanna come with me? I'm on my way to that pointy rock to get me some booze!
PUMBAA
Yeah, why not? My name's Pumbaa.
TIMON
Alright! Maybe you can help me with my Jackass stunts too!
PUMBAA
What?
TIMON
I'll explain later.
Timon hops on Pumbaa's back and they go forth.
TIMON
So tell me, what do you listen to that makes everyone's ears bleed, anyway?
Pumbaa puts his headphones back on.
PUMBAA
Oh, well it's sort of... embarrassing, actually.
TIMON (Crossing his fingers)
Fine by me. I mean now I definitely have no reason to take them from you at night and find out, then post it on Twitter the day after.
PUMBAA
Oh, that's a relief.
Scene fades out. Scene fades back in to Timon and Pumbaa approaching Pride Rock in the morning. They go for it, but find out that hundreds of animals are already surrounding it for something.
TIMON
Aw, dammit! Dammit all! Now there's never gonna be enough booze for me!
PUMBAA
Hey, what's that up there?
Timon looks ahead and sees Rafiki presenting Simba to the Pride Lands.
TIMON
Hey, that's the monkey who told me to come here! That f*cking liar, he just told me to come here so he could rub it in that he's got all the booze for himself!
PUMBAA
Didn't he also say to look beyond what you see?
TIMON
Hey, how'd you know that?
PUMBAA
I read a few pages back in the script.
TIMON
Figures.
The meerkat looks further back, ignoring Simba's presentation and spots a lush area on the back of Pride Rock.
TIMON
Hey! There looks good!
Timon and Pumbaa begin to walk towards the spot, but push their way through the animals to get there. Suddenly, the wire to Pumbaa's headphones gets caught on an elephant's tusk. He extends his hoof back to get it, but he can't reach. He looks frightened.
PUMBAA
Uh, Timon? Can... we go another way?
TIMON
Oh come on, Pumbaa! The longer I stay sober here, the more insane I'm probably going to go!
PUMBAA
I could really use a hand here...
TIMON
Oh stop it, you know the fanfics can do that for us! Now quit yapping, we've gotta move!
Timon pulls him forth. Suddenly, his headphones come undone, and a Justin Bieber song starts blaring from Pumbaa's iPod. Horrified by the music, all of the animals around him start to pass out one by one, some with their ears bleeding. Soon, all of the animals are on the ground. From Pride Rock, Zazu and Mufasa see this and mistake it for bowing.
ZAZU
Look sire! How they animate you without giving you a single line!
Timon and Pumbaa stare blankly at the unconscious animals everywhere.
TIMON
So I guess that's your music. Well... it could've been worse.
PUMBAA
Really?
TIMON
No, in fact I can't tell if that ringing in my ears right now means I'm about to go deaf or not.
Timon and Pumbaa walk past the animals and end up in the lush area they set out for. Inside a tiny cave, Timon finds glass beer bottles lying around.
TIMON
Yes! Yes, we found it! Thank you God!
Timon runs in and starts to take a swig at them. He then looks back at Pumbaa, who is giving him a sad look.
TIMON
What? You can have some, too. It doesn't take me that much to get wasted.
PUMBAA
Nah, I'll pass.
Timon drinks from the bottles until he passes out on the floor at night. Pumbaa sighs and uses his tusks to put him in a random stack of hey. He sleeps beside him.
PUMBAA
Poor little guy.
The following morning, Timon wakes up with a hangover before Pumbaa does. Outside, he hears music playing.
TIMON
Ugh... Pumbaa, you left.. left your iPod on.
PUMBAA (Waking up)
That's not me, Timon.
Timon and Pumbaa walk outside and find that they're in the middle of the"I Just Can't Wait to be King" scene.
TIMON
Ah, this is so typical.
PUMBAA
What?
TIMON
Every Disney movie has that one song where they inexplicably warp the fabric of reality, and nobody questions it. You ever notice that?
Pumbaa shakes his head, and Timon sighs. Grabbing a stick, Timon whacks it against the bottom of a random tower of animals with Simba and Nala on top.
TIMON
Somebody friggin' notice this!
Suddenly, the tower of animals collapses, and all of them crash to the ground in front of them. Many sound injured. Scared, Timon and Pumbaa run off. Scene changes to them in the Elephant Graveyard, walking through the eerie mist and bones everywhere.
TIMON
Damn, maybe I should've taken some of that booze with me.
PUMBAA
Are you sure about this place, Timon? It's giving me the creeps. And uh... that mountain behind us looks kind of familiar, too.
TIMON
Oh come on, ya big baby! It's not like this is Mordor or anything!
Suddenly, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee come out of nowhere, moving past them and not noticing the warthog and the meerkat.
SAM
Frodo! Frodo, get down!
Suddenly the randomly appearing Eye of Sauron spots them. Frodo collapses to the ground right at Timon's feet, and the light of the Eye feels uncomfortable for him. The eye turns away all of a sudden.
SAM
Look Mr. Frodo! Something's drawing its gaze!
Up ahead, they see the Eye of Sauron is being distracted by the sight of Mufasa saving Simba and Nala from the hyenas. Timon and Pumbaa stare blankly at the whole scene.
TIMON
Well then... maybe I really have had too much to drink now.
Scene changes to Timon and Pumbaa in Scar's old cave, surrounded by sulfur pits. Pumbaa looks scared.
PUMBAA
Oh come on, Timon! How could you think this is a good home by any stretch of the imagination?!
TIMON
Hey, at least there's no one else here!
Suddenly, the sight of Scar and the hyenas appear in front of them. They are surrounded in a creepy green light.
PUMBAA
Except for the Third Reich, that is.
TIMON
Hey you know, I'm really wondering how the German version of this movie's gonna work out now.
Scene changes again to Timon and Pumbaa in the enormous gorge.
PUMBAA
Alright, this is getting ridiculous now, Timon!
TIMON
Says the guy who has Justin Bieber in their iPod.
PUMBAA
You win this round...
Then they see the stampede coming their way. At first they look unfazed.
PUMBAA
Shall we run for our lives now?
TIMON
If it means I get to find more booze sooner or later... sure, haven't got much else to do right now.
Screaming, they run ahead of the stampede. The chase goes on for a bit until the two suddenly fall into a river for some reason. Timon stays on Pumbaa's stomach as he floats on his back.
TIMON
Well that wasn't so bad.
PUMBAA
Eh, better than Twilight.
Timon looks ahead, taking a step forth.
PUMBAA
Hey keep it above the waist, pal.
Timon looks ahead and sees a waterfall coming forth. He looks frightened.
TIMON
Uh, Pumbaa? Would it by any chance kill us if we went over a waterfall right now?
PUMBAA
Uh technically no. This is the Disney universe, it wouldn't do a thing to us.
TIMON
Thank... God...
The two go over the waterfall, and hit the bottom somehow uninjured. At night, they go to the shore of the river.
TIMON
Well that sucked.
PUMBAA
Yeah.
Brief silence.
TIMON
You know, I never got to ask... what were you doing back there anyway, when we met?
PUMBAA
Well, I'm kind of an outcast like you.
TIMON
Because of your music?
PUMBAA
Yeah.
TIMON (To himself)
Good to know someone's life is worse than mine.
The two fall asleep there. Scene changes to the next morning, and they wake up.
TIMON
Well, so much for finding those booze.
Pumbaa looks ahead and gasps.
PUMBAA
I think you're giving up too soon, Timon!
He turns him around, and they find that there is an enormous jungle in front of them. The place is filled with glass beer bottles of all kinds as far as the eye can see.
PUMBAA
We found the booze, Timon!
TIMON
Forget about the booze, Pumbaa! Look at this f*cking animation all of a sudden! This looks better than the first movie now! Direct-to-video my ass!
The two run into the jungle and see the place littered not only with beer, but there are shopping carts and ramps everywhere too. Timon gapes happily at the sight.
TIMON
I think I just died and went to heaven!
Scene changes a few times to show both of them getting wasted day after day, having hangovers, and wiping out in insane accidents involving riding in shopping carts. Timon is wasted every day now.
TIMON
Whooo! Yeah! T-this is... Jackasssm, heres mes come! C-comeith!
Scene cuts to Timon and Pumbaa rolling down a ramp in a shopping cart, shattering beer bottles against trees as they go, and screaming in drunken ecstasy. The ramp ends, and they fly through the air for a moment, landing near the edge of the jungle. They start to get up, but the dented shopping cart clobbers them from above. They moan in pain for a moment until Pumbaa sees vultures surrounding something in the desert.
PUMBAA
Hey Timon! You wanna go bowling for buzzards now?
TIMON
W-what... whats the f*ck for, you... ya slutty prick waffle?
PUMBAA
Because it's in the script, and the plot can't exactly move with us just doing Jackass all day.
TIMON
Y-yeah... you probary ri...right ab-bout that.
Drunkenly climbing on him, Timon and Pumbaa run forth towards the vultures in the desert. Here, the real Timon pauses the film once more.
TIMON
W-who knows why... why the script led us to little Simba that day.
PUMBAA
Timon, are you starting to sober up now?
TIMON
In your dreams, buddy. A-anyways, saving Simba from the clutches of the evil Star Wars prequels was... the easy part. Then... there came the really scary part... the Star Wars Disney sequels.
PUMBAA
So much for being sober.
He unpauses the film. Timon and Pumbaa save Simba, and take him to the jungle. Scene changes to later that night, where the two of them are sleeping. Timon has a vodka bottle clutched in his hand as he does. Suddenly, they're awakened by young Simba, prompting Timon to drop the bottle. It shatters.
SIMBA
Timon?
TIMON
Oy, what is it, little Simba?
SIMBA
What's the password to your wi-fi again?
TIMON
W-what the hell does you needs that for?
Simba shrugs.
SIMBA
I... I want to know if it's normal to have this red hair growing around my head lately.
TIMON (Tiredly)
No, it means you're a mutant freak who's not like normal lions like us, now go to sleep, Simba.
Scene changes to the next day. Cub Simba is poking around a stray vodka bottly, sniffing its lid closely. He brings it closer with his paw, but Timon suddenly dives in and snatches it from him.
TIMON
No! This is mine Simba, mine! You can't eva' have it!
Pumbaa comes in now.
PUMBAA
Uh Timon? I told him to get that for you. You asked me to ask him, remember?
Timon gives him a strange look before passing out on the ground. Scene changes to that night, where Timon and Pumbaa are sleeping again. Simba wakes them up once more.
SIMBA
Timon?
TIMON (Waking up)
W-whaa?
SIMBA
I had a weird dream.
TIMON
Uh... ugh, about what?
SIMBA (Taking a few steps closer)
Well... it was about this friend I used to have named Nala, and we... did all this crazy stuff together. The dream was weird, but... it felt good too. And then when I woke up, there was this white slime all over the ground back there. It's still there now. Do you think it's dangerous?
Timon's eyes widen, and he gasps suddenly, worrying Simba.
TIMON
Oh nothing, Simba. It, uh... it means you're growing up, that's all!
He elbows Pumbaa in the stomach, waking him up.
TIMON
Pumbaa, Simba had his first wet dream!
PUMBAA
Oh f*ck, we've gotta give him the talk now, don't we?
TIMON
What do you mean we? I can't give him the talk!
They look over at Simba now.
PUMBAA
Uh, Simba? Maybe it's best you sleep with us tonight.
Simba then climbs up on Pumbaa's stomach, and rests next to Timon. He sleeps peacefully now.
TIMON
Uh... just keep it on the other side of me, kid.
Scene changes to a while later, where Simba is a teenager now. Timon, Pumbaa and Simba wake up. Simba yawns, awakening Timon.
TIMON
Ugh, Simba, what the hells happened to you? You were a cub just last night, weren't you?
SIMBA
The hell if I know.
TIMON
Geeze, you're worse than Renesmee here.
SIMBA
Oh trust me, Timon, I'm nowhere near as bad as that bitch!
TIMON
You're literally growing faster than her!
SIMBA
Oh hell no I'm not!
TIMON
Then why don't we watch Breaking Dawn just to prove it then? Whoever lasts the longest wins!
PUMBAA
Timon, no! He's not ready to see the horrors of that yet!
SIMBA (To Timon)
You're on, pops!
Scene changes to Timon and Simba in front of a flat screen TV that appeared for no apparent reason whatsoever. Timon puts in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. Pumbaa sees this with fear.
PUMBAA
I don't think this is such a good idea.
Timon and Simba begin watching the movie to see who's right. Both of them cringe, gape and gag in disgust at the movie's level of terrible. Timon drops his vodka bottle while Simba puts his paws over his mouth to avoid throwing up. About an hour in Timon can't take it anymore, and he throws up. He passes out and falls to the side, prompting Simba to take the movie out as fast as possible. He gives a smug look to Timon.
SIMBA
Told ya'.
Simba walks away. Timon stands back up, and Pumbaa comes to his side, watching Simba go off.
TIMON
Ugh, look at him, buddy. He's... he's... the kid's getting more and more horny every day.
PUMBAA
That's what puberty does to a lion, I guess.
TIMON
When I hit puberty, I didn't stick... stick my thing in every tree hole I could find!
PUMBAA
Well what do you expect? You've been the same age for God knows how long now.
TIMON
Hey, you know?... Y-yous right buddy! W-why the f*ck don't we age at all!? We're... we're somehow the same for three whole movies!
PUMBAA
Eh, I'm fine with it.
Some time goes by as Simba turns into a fully grown adult. Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa are together in a hot tub now.
PUMBAA
So you see, that's why they didn't use the eagles to fly into Mordor, Simba.
SIMBA
Huh, you don't say. And yet still so confusing.
TIMON
Still a hell of a lot less confusing than anything in Twilight.
Simba and Pumbaa nod in agreement.
SIMBA
Are you actually sober, Timon?
TIMON
Uh... not for long I won't!
He grabs a stray beer bottle and takes a swig from it. Simba sighs.
PUMBAA
Well, I think I'm gonna go to sleep now.
He walks out of the hot tub, and suddenly the bubbles stop completely. Simba and Timon exchange disgusted looks.
SIMBA
Uh, Timon?
TIMON
Yeah?
SIMBA
Is it a problem if those bubbles might have been turning me on just a little bit?
TIMON
Oh come on, Simba! You're past puberty now!
Simba shrugs. The two of them run out of the water and go to sleep beside Pumbaa in the jungle.
TIMON (Narrating)
You know? We could've gone on like that forever.
PUMBAA
Yeah.
TIMON
Except for one teeny little thing we forgot to count on.
Nala suddenly appears and pins Simba. Simba looks shocked to see her.
SIMBA
Nala?
TIMON (Narrating)
The pussy... cat.
Simba and Nala reunite with Timon and Pumbaa watching behind a bush.
TIMON (Slurred speech)
Y-ya sees that, buddy? Shshe's gonna take him away from us now!
PUMBAA
What do you suggest we do about it?
TIMON
Oh, I'll tells ya' what we ought to do... we can't let em' feel le love tonight!
PUMBAA (Whispering)
Nice going with that fourth wall joke.
TIMON
Pumbaa, this whole movie is a fourth wall joke.
Timon and Pumbaa watch Simba and Nala from a distance in the bushes. Simba and Nala get close.
TIMON
Hey Nala! Y-your boyfriend's got...got crabs!
She doesn't hear him as the two walk off together. Scene changes to Timon and Pumbaa holding a vine rope in their way as the approach. They watch as they slowly get more and more intimate with one another. Nala is looking rather aroused.
TIMON
Come on, you horny f*cks... that's it, right this way...
Simba and Nala trip over the vine, but they go tumbling down a hill, sending Timon and Pumbaa flying though the Air. As they fall now, Timon bashes his head against a shopping cart in a tree, disorienting him. The two of them strike the ground, and see that Simba has landed on top of Nala, and the two are preparing to get busy.
TIMON
Ugh.. that's it, I give up.
PUMBAA
But we've only tried twice, Timon.
Timon takes a massive swig from a beer bottle. He burps.
TIMON
Y-ya know whatts, Pumbaa? W-we might as wells enjoy dis while we can. A-am I right?
Pumbaa gives him a blank look.
TIMON
J-jus' go get the webcam! Les' record this and sell it on the Internet!
PUMBAA
Like that one time we sold that guy's frozen head online?
TIMON
Bingo! I- I still don't know who's frozen heads that was... Jus' go get the camera!
Pumbaa runs off into the jungle for a moment, and comes back with a laptop and a camcorder. Timon drunkenly starts it up and records Simba and Nala as they start to mate. Timon looks increasingly amused by this.
TIMON
Whooo! Yeah, ride it, Nala!
PUMBAA (Whispering, covering his mouth)
Be quiet! They're gonna hear you!
Simba and Nala's moans of pleasure echo around the jungle loudly.
TIMON
Pumbaa, they p-probably couldn't hear a firiggin' earthquake righ nows...!
Scene changes to much later on, while Timon and Pumbaa are walking through the jungle together. Timon is holding the camcorder.
TIMON
Dayumn, Pumbaa! I-I mean dayumn! They.. they sure f*cked like there was n-no friggin' tomorrow!
PUMBAA
What do you want to name the video, Timon?
Timon thinks for a moment. He perks up.
TIMON
How about... "putting the 'wild' in 'wildcat'."
Suddenly, Timon and Pumbaa see Simba and Nala arguing up ahead. Listening in, they see Simba walk off angrily.
TIMON
H-hey! Hey we did it! I-O thinks we did it! We split em' up!
PUMBAA
Uh, are you sure that was us?
They continue to look onward and see Simba run off into a field.
PUMBAA
He seems to be taking it kind of hard.
TIMON
Ah, relax man! H-hes' jus' probably taking a rest from how... from how hard he f*cked!
Then they see a thick cloud formation roll in above Simba.
TIMON
H-hey look! A storm's a comin'! Less go before wes get rained on again!
The two turn around and walk off just before they can see the clouds turn into Mufasa's spirit. Scene changes to them in the jungle, settling down for sleep.
TIMON
Well then... he'll get over it, I'm sure. I mean it's not like he's gonna leave for any reason at all within the next 24 hours.
Scene changes to the next morning, where Nala is with them both.
TIMON
H-he friggin' left uses?
NALA
It's just like the baboon said. The king has returned.
TIMON
Hey there, ya little pussy...cat. I'll have you know that that thing you jus' said is a rip-rip off of Return of el King! P-Peta' Jacksion's gonna come after youuuu! Ohh, you're gonna be in trouble for sayin' dat without paying the big man!
NALA (Sighing)
You want me to go over it again?
TIMON
If I's wanted to hear it.. I'd... I'd watch the f*cking movie!
NALA (Frustrated)
Ohh, don't you get it? Simba needs us! Now!
She runs off now. Timon takes another swig from his vodka bottle.
TIMON
W-well there goes the three lines you've got in this, ya pussy... cat.
PUMBAA
Timon, we should go and help him. Simba does need us.
TIMON
N-no! I'm happy as I can be here, and you too kid!
PUMBAA
Argh, I can't take this anymore Timon! All you ever do is drink yourself away while this sh*t goes on around you! You need to stay sober and actually do something already! You've got a real problem, Timon.
TIMON
Ahh, f*ck off. Why do you think this movie's script put it in, huh?
PUMBAA
I was about to ask you the same thing.
Pumbaa runs off, leaving Timon on his own in the jungle. He stays there for a bit.
TIMON
Ahh, forget him. I'm.. Iiiah gonnah go play that friggin... friggin XBox we've got.
Timon goes off to play the XBox at the flat-screen TV. He turns it on, but discovers that it got the Red Ring of Death.
TIMON|
F*ck! F*ck it all!
He smashes a bottle against the XBox, making it short out and die. Timon sighs.
TIMON
Well, guess I've got nothin' better to do now.
Timon runs off and out of the jungle to catch up to Pumbaa. And nearby, Rafiki watches him, resisting the urge to laugh.
RAFIKI
If only he'd known dat I am an expert in destroying XBoxes.
Scene changes to Pumbaa running through the desert. Timon runs past him, revealing he was running in slow motion. Timon and Pumbaa look at each other for a moment.
TIMON
F*ck the script. If yous want me to stop mah drinkin... I'll do it.
PUMBAA
Thank... God... Well come on! Let's go and save Simba!
Timon climbs onto his back, and they run off.
TIMON
For Frodo! For Frodo!
PUMBAA
Wrong movie, Timon.
TIMON
But it's sure as hell not this day... or... somethin'! This day, we fight! I ain't no wuss! I ain't gonna just run away in a dress while Simba goes to kill his uncle!
Scene changes to Timon and Pumbaa running away from hyenas, with Timon in a hula dress.
TIMON
Dammit, this is just not mah day!
Timon and Pumbaa run into a cave with the hyenas chasing them. Suddenly, Pumbaa rips his headphones off and lets his Justin Bieber music blare out loud once more. They hyenas drag themselves out, covering their ears. The warthog and meerkat walk out of the cave now.
TIMON
I love the sound of Bieber in the morning... not really.
Suddenly, coming from digging out of the ground, Ma and Uncle Max show up.
TIMON
Ma? Uncle Max?
MA
Timon! I was beginning to worry that you thought the writers forgot about us!
TIMON
Wait, they didn't?
MAX
Who's this?
TIMON
Oh uh, this is my friend Pumbaa.
Then, Pumbaa gasps when he looks out to Pride Rock.
PUMBAA
Hey look! There's Simba, and that must be his uncle Scar!
TIMON
Oh good, they're talking things out. Maybe this means we don't have to do any work after all and we can just sit back and watch while he and Nala start to-
The lightning strikes now, and Simba is hanging over the ledge. Timon's expression falls to that of disappointment.
TIMON
Oh I forgot, this is Disney. We've gotta have a moral somewhere in here, don't we?
MA
How can we help with this?
TIMON
Alright, I think I've got a thing or two. Here's the plan.
He leans in and whispers his plan to everyone so none can hear. Scene changes to Timon and Pumbaa at the fires around Pride Rock, looking down at some hyenas as they attack Simba. Timon calls down to them.
TIMON
Hey dumbasses! What's the only animal in Africa who likes Twilight? Hyenas!
Shenzi, Banzai and Ed hear this. Ed starts to laugh, but Banzai smacks him.
BANZAI
They're talking about us!
SHENZI (To Timon)
For your last meal, I'm gonna shove those book pages down your throat!
Timon and Pumbaa run off and are chased by the hyenas. They are eventually caught up against a dead end of some sort, and the hyenas corner them.
TIMON
Is it ready Ma?
Scene changes to Ma and Uncle Max somehow boring straight through solid rock like it were dirt, making a tunnel beneath the hyenas.
MA
Not yet, Timon! Stall em'!
Nervously, Timon and Pumbaa start to re-enact scenes from Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead in painfully fake british accents.
TIMON
I don't believe in it anyway.
PUMBAA
What?
TIMON
England.
PUMBAA
Just a conspiracy of cartographers, then?
BANZAI
You've gotta be kidding.
TIMON
Is it ready now, Ma?
MA (From underground)
Not yet! Keep stalling!
Timon is unsure as to what to do until suddenly, he comes up with something. He takes a random beer bottle and chugs it as fast as he can, disorienting him. Now completely wasted once more, Timon stumbled up to Shenzi, barely able to keep his balance and posture.
TIMON (Slurred speech)
S-Shenzi Marie Predatora Del Jackel..ja-jaka line hyena... would you do me the honor of... becoming my bride?
Pumbaa's mouth falls open in shock. Shenzi looks at him with disgust for a moment.
SHENZI
F*ck no!
TIMON
N-no, really! I... I wans to havses your babys you... you sexy hyena, you!
SHENZI
Oh, that violates so many laws of nature!
BANZAI
Plus the childhoods of thousands of fans everywhere.
The hyenas come closer to them both, but then Ma pokes her head up out of the ground.
MA
Now?
TIMON
Y-yeah sure, take your time.
MA (To Max)
Now Max, now!
Quickly, Max kicks down the sticks that were holding up the tunnel, starting a domino effect and causing the tunnel below the hyenas to begin collapsing. Unfortunately one stick remains up, so the tunnel doesn't fall. Ma and Uncle Ma look worried that the plan failed.
MAX
Dammit all, I knew I shouldn't have listened to one of Timon's plans while he was wasted!
Luckily just then, Timon collapses onto the ground from drunkenness, and drops his beer bottle as a result. It rolls away from him, and falls down the tunnel. It rolls forth until it hits the last stick, somehow splitting it. The ground beneath the hyenas crumbles as they fall through screaming, shocked at this turn of events. They slide through the tunnels and away from the meerkats. Then from above, Scar is kicked down the side of Pride Rock because of Simba's battle, where he promptly dies.
PUMBAA
Guess that finishes that.
MAX
We did it! Timon's plan worked! He did it! That drunken idiot somehow did it!
Ma walks up to Timon and picks him up off the ground. He wakes up.
TIMON
I...I'm gonna stop drinkin' for you, Ma. You know that? I'... I gotta stop dis.
MA
I know you will, sweetie. I know.
Scene changes to Timon, Pumbaa, Ma and Uncle Max at the base of Pride Rock in the rain after the battle. Simba comes up to them.
SIMBA
I still grew slower than Renesmee.
TIMON
Yeah you did, kiddo. Yeah you did.
Then they all watch as Simba climbs up the ledge of Pride Rock, taking his place as king. He roars triumphantly.
TIMON
Goodbye virgin alarm.
PUMBAA
Wrong movie again, Timon.
MA
Pumbaa? Just let it go, it's his last time being wasted... I hope.
They watch as Simba roars. Ma turns to Timon.
MA
So did you find what you were looking for?
TIMON
Well... h-how about I jus' show ya, huh Ma?
Scene changes again to Timon introducing Ma and Uncle Max to the jungle, which is no longer littered with shopping carts and beer bottles.
MA
Wow, you guys cleaned up nice here.
TIMON
Yeah, plot devices are great, aren't they?
Scene changes to Timon's entire colony inhabiting the jungle now, enjoying its lush serenity and protective nature. His colony now has a new, not crappy home to live in. Scene zooms out into Timon and Pumbaa in the theatre, watching the ending.
TIMON
Well, I guess that's it then.
PUMBAA
I-it's over now?
TIMON
Pumbaa, I'm just getting sober right here, and even I know that! Of course it's over.
PUMBAA
Well let's watch it again!
TIMON
Uh, how about no?
Suddenly, Ma and Uncle Max come into the theatre.
MA
Hey! You didn't tell me you were watching the movie! I wanna watch too!
TIMON
Uh Ma, I really don't think that's such a good idea.
Simba and Rafiki come in now.
SIMBA
Hey, you guys are watching the movie?
RAFIKI
Any story worth telling is worth telling twice!
TIMON
Oh no, not you, Simba! I really don't want you to-
Nala, Kiara, and Kovu enter now and get settled next to him.
NALA
Oh come on, Timon, don't be such a wuss.
KIARA
You know I heard we originally weren't in this scene.
KOVU (Playfully)
Pfft, like they were going to keep it that way. Of course we're in this part, do you know how much of a d*ck move it'd be to not have us here?
KIARA
Yeah, you're right. Disney would never do that.
Timon facepalms.
TIMON
Oh no...
All of a sudden, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee enter.
TIMON
What the-?
SAM
Look Mr. Frodo, two seats just for us!
TIMON
What the hell are you guys doing here?
FRODO
What? We were in this film for a bit, don't we have the right to see it ourselves?
Everyone gets settled in the dark theatre as Ma looks around for the remote to rewind. She can't find it, however. Timon looks scared, and Simba notices.
SIMBA
Oh come on, Timon, what's the problem?
TIMON
Uh... Simba? You might want to look away from the screen in a few seconds.
SIMBA
Why?
Suddenly on the screen, the end credits change to static for a moment. Then, it switches over to the same sex tape Timon and Pumbaa took in the jungle. Everyone in the theatre gasps.
SIMBA
You f*cking recorded us?!
TIMON
What can I say? I was drunk.
Nala cowers in embarrassment while Simba growls angrily at his friends.
SIMBA
What the hell guys?! I told you I was bringing Kiara and Kovu over for this! Now they've gotta see that?!
TIMON
J-just so it's cool... would it be a problem if we put this online by any chance?
SIMBA (Exploding)
What?!
PUMBAA
It's already gotten over a million hits. Is... there a problem with that?
Simba leaps forth and angrily chases them all around the theatre. The scream in fear as Simba constantly threatens to kill them now. The sounds of splinting wood and crashing debris are heard now in Simba's rage.
TIMON
I was drunk, Simba! I wasn't thinking straight!
Simba roars again as the others look at the scene with disgust.
FRODO
Oh this is vile and disgusting!
SAM
Disregard the Ring, Mr. Frodo. This is the true evil of Middle Earth!
KOVU (Whispering to Kiara)
So much for Hakuna Matata, right?
Brief silence.
KIARA (To Kovu)
Well... it's still better than the sex in Breaking Dawn, I guess.
NALA
Ain't that the truth.
Simba's roars and Timon and Pumbaa's screams echo everywhere as the film cuts to black.
THE END
This story is in special Detication to all lovers and admirers of this underrated masterpiece.