Guess wh-at!?! I get to update earlier than expected! Yay!!!

Bad news; I probably won't get to update until Sunday of next week instead of Saturday like I planned. I'm so sorry! It's because our choir got moved to a Saturday morning performance for state festival, so my whole day is gone for that and the night is gone for the play. I'm sorry again! I'll update as soon as I can on Sunday. Sorry, sorry, sorry…

Thanks to everybody who's been reading and reviewing both this and my one shots. You really make my day (and sometimes even my whole week). Those of you who are Sweetie fans thanks to her little blurb in "Chalk," there's a bit more for you at the end (she once again attacked the keyboard).

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece; if I did, do you honestly think Sanji and Zoro would wear shirts?

A Chef's Hands

By Dandy Wonderous

Chapter 3

Three days without his hands and Sanji was already going crazy.

Not only could he not cook or smoke, he couldn't do anything. Couldn't read (couldn't get a grip on the book), couldn't fight with Zoro (Chopper threatened him with sedatives, and the swordsman seemed to be avoiding him lately, anyway), couldn't help on the ship (he sat around uselessly on the deck and watched everyone else be busy). All he could do, really, was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. And sulk. He was doing a lot of sulking.

Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper tried to help on this front. They hung out when they weren't needed on deck, being their normal rowdy selves while Sanji put on a good show of being annoyed by their presence. Luffy did his typical impressions of the other crew members, Chopper put chopsticks in his nose, and Usopp sang so many "Captain Usopp" songs he thought his ears would fall off. In truth, though, these visits could never last long enough; once the three partiers had to leave, his empty room fell into a dead, lonely, oppressive silence.

Of course, what he couldn't do wasn't limited to means of entertainment. It was like being a baby again; he couldn't take care of himself.

Sanji loathed every second of his miserable helplessness.

He couldn't feed himself, for one thing. Usually, Chopper or Nami helped him eat. It was incredibly humiliating, to sit there and be fed like a toddler. The first time this happened he had ended up hiding in his knees from Chopper while the doctor had rubbed his back soothingly. The first time Nami helped him he had cried again, though she secretly suspected it was more to lean against her chest than out of despair. She didn't say anything; might as well let him have something.

Twice, Robin had come down. Sanji liked this best; she read a book in the corner while two of her Hana Hana hands fed him. Robin, being her perceptive self, figured this out, and offered to come down more. Sanji had cooed that a woman should be up on deck having fun rather than being cooped up inside with him, but he was really grateful, and Robin mentioned the idea to Chopper anyway.

Perhaps the most embarrassing moment for the injured chef came late in first full day of his recovery. Nami had ventured into the storage room for something or other and found Sanji standing rather awkwardly in front of the bathroom door.

"Sanji-kun? Something wrong?" Nami asked, breaking him out of the little trance he was in.

"Oh, Nami-san!" he said in surprise, whirling around to face her, face a light pink. "I didn't hear you come down."

"Do you need help with something?" she asked cheerfully, wondering why he was in the storage room in the first place.

His face grew to a bright red. "Oh, I, er… N-no, not… not really, I…"

Nami stared back at him in confusion, and then realization dawned on her. "Oh, do you need me to open that door for you?" She indicated the bathroom door with her eyes.

The blush grew brighter still. "Er, yes, if you could, Nami-san…" He trailed off sheepishly.

It's not that big a deal, thought Nami, still confused. He has no reason to be that embarrassed…

She sauntered past him and opened the door easily. "There you go," she said with a smile, then turned to go back to finding what she needed. Locating it, she straightened up… and found that Sanji was still standing, blushing, by the open bathroom door. "Uh, Sanji-kun… is something wrong?"

Sanji's face was so bright, Enel could see it from space. "I, uh…" Then, unexpectedly, he leaned back against the wall and rubbed his eyes with his forearm. "I can't do anything," he muttered, voice broken.

Nami's eyes traveled in befuddlement from his face to his shirt, to his trousers… which would have to be unbuttoned.

Mentally slapping herself for not catching on, Nami moved to the ladder. "Want me to go get Chopper?"

Sanji nodded. His face defied the color wheel and invented its own shade of red. Nami spared him further humiliation and hurried away.

Three days of being pathetic passed, and Sanji hated every long, everlasting second of it. Even now, he was sitting in the bed, sulking again, when Nami appeared on the stairs, holding a bowl of stew, or maybe ramen. That seemed to be all Usopp could make.

She smiled cheerfully. "Hi, Sanji-kun! I have your lunch!"

He gave her a weak smile. "Thank you, Nami-swan."

She sat the bowl gently in his blanket covered lap and spooned some out. Sanji eyed it, sniffed the aroma. "Beef stew?"

"Yep." She fanned it to cool it, then brought the spoon to his mouth. Sanji took the bite, then chewed the beef chunk slowly.

"Hmm…"

"What was that, Sanji-kun?" she asked, already scooping up more.

"Huh? Oh, nothing." He took the next bite, then made the thoughtful noise once more. "Hmm…"

Nami raised an eyebrow. "What? Don't like it? I thought it was fine."

"Oh, it's okay," he answered. He took the next bite, seeming to mull over the food. "It's just… Ah, never mind."

The navigator was growing impatient, letting the spoon rest in the bowl. "Really, Sanji-kun, what is it?

"It's just… he didn't marinate the meat properly. It lost too much flavor. And there are some spices he could have used that would have improved the taste of the broth." Sanji closed his eye, mentally going over what he would have done differently to turn the simple stew into a culinary masterpiece.

"Wait here," said Nami suddenly, and she ran over to her desk. Sanji watched her, puzzled.

"What's wrong, Nami-san?"

She pulled out a piece of paper and an ink pen, then returned to the bed. She smiled. "Tell me what you would do to improve it," she prompted, pen at the ready.

Sanji blinked at her dumbly a moment, then suddenly looked worried. "But Nami-san, your paper-"

"This isn't map paper; don't worry about it. Come on, tell me!"

"But it's Usopp's job now," he argued slowly, an edge to his voice.

"That idiot's nice for a temporary chef," Nami said condescendingly. "But he's nowhere near your level. And let's face it; we all miss your cooking."

Sanji was silent for a moment, then he beamed, old flirt mode returning. "Nami-swan! Your kindness knows no bounds!"

"Er, you're welcome. Now come on, spill."

Sanji became serious again. "Yes, Nami-san!" And then he began to dictate what he would do to make the stew, for the first time in three days feeling like he had a purpose again.

"He gave you this WHOLE LIST of instructions!?!" Usopp gasped, slightly offended.

"Yep," said Nami with a shrug. "Once he started talking about cooking, he couldn't stop. He got done with stew and went on to all kinds of different things; my hands are more tired than if I drew a hundred maps!" She leaned over the table and rifled through the papers until she found a certain sheet. "That reminds me, I could really use one of these right now." She pointed at Sanji's instructions for a rather elaborate mikan drink.

"Have fun making it, then."

"Oh, no, Usopp. It's your job now!"

"What? I'm not making that for you!"

Twenty minutes and one mikan drink later, the navigator sat sipping contentedly while Usopp washed dishes, nursing a large, Nami-inflicted bump on his head.

"Man, how does Sanji do it?" Usopp wondered out loud. "Making all the meals and then extra things for you girls, and then there's all these dishes… Isn't anyone gonna help me with this!?!"

"If no one helps ero-cook, what makes you think we'll help you?" Zoro pointed out from his seat at the table.

"Navigator-san," said Robin, ignoring Usopp's protests. "You said Cook-san was happy when he told you how to cook all those things?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"I was just thinking, why not let Cook-san into the kitchen more often? He could direct our cooking. Would that not improve his mood?"

Nami sat up straighter in her chair. "You're right; it would."

"What do you think, Swordsman-san?"

Zoro scowled. "Like I care." He got up from the table and left the galley, saying, "Do whatever you want," in parting.

"He worries," Robin observed.

"Really?" Nami stared at the door. "Nope. I don't see it."

Robin laughed softly behind her hand. "He does; you just have to look hard." She turned back to Nami, serious again. "What about Cook-san?"

Nami smiled. "I think it's a great idea."

"Oi, ero-cook! Wake up, dumbass."

Sanji blearily opened his right eye to glare at Zoro for the rude awakening. "What the hell do you want?" he grumbled sleepily.

"The devil woman sent me after you," the swordsman said, equally as grumpy. "Said she wants you to come to the kitchen. Got me out of bed before the frickin' crack of dawn…"

"Nami-san is not a "devil woman," bastard!" Sanji yelled angrily. He pushed himself up on his elbows. "Did she say why?"

"No. Now come on, dartboard, let's go."

Sanji sat up all the way. "Go get Chopper," he ordered.

"Chopper's busy."

"Get him anyway."

"What do you want?" Zoro raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

Sanji glared at him a moment, then sighed and swung out of bed.

Now Zoro saw the problem. "Damn… Don't you usually wear your pants to bed?"

Sanji folded his arms and nodded at his boxers. "This cut down on some… problems."

Both men stayed awkwardly silent for a moment, neither looking forward to what was about to happen. Finally Zoro spoke again. "Where are th-"

"On the chair," Sanji answered quickly, nodding to Nami's desk chair.

Zoro sighed and retrieved the pants, glaring at them accusingly. "This is dumb," he informed his rival flatly.

"It's not like I wanted this to happen, marimo," the other snapped.

Zoro glanced down at the floor. "I know," he said simply. Sanji gaped at him a moment, but before he could fashion a reply Zoro stepped forward. "Let's get this over with."

Sanji cringed.

What followed was a series of curses, yelling, and threats.

"Shitty swordsman; don't yank so hard! My foot wasn't through yet!"

"Move faster, then, dartboard!"

"I'm try-aw, shit!"

THUNK!

"Ow! Idiot cook; why'd ya fall on me!?!"

"Because YOU knocked me down, shithead!"

"If you would just MOVE! … How're your hands?"

"Fine."

"Good. Now, let's try again… Bastard! You kicked me!"

"I didn't mean to! The ship lurched; not my fault I can't catch myself!"

"To hell you couldn't; that was on purpose!"

"No it wasn't! … Watch the zipper, marimo!"

In the end both Sanji, fully clothed, and Zoro sat on the bed, staring in opposite directions from each other.

"We never speak of this again," said Sanji flatly.

"Agreed." Zoro stared down at the floorboards for what felt like ages before speaking again. "Hey, cook…"

"What?"

"We're going to find those bastards, you know. And then we're gonna kick their asses."

Sanji stared up at the ceiling. "Wish I could help."

"Don't start that crap," Zoro said angrily, glaring at the other man. "You ARE going to help, damn it. I mean, your legs still work, don't they?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Then there's not a problem. So you can't do those frilly handstands anymore." He smiled at the vein that popped in Sanji's forehead; there was the fight he was looking for. "You can still kick ass."

Sanji's eye traveled back to the ground and he laughed quickly. "Yeah… yeah, I guess so." Then he hopped to his feet. "Oi, oi! Nami-swan's waiting in the kitchen for me!" He ran to the stairs.

Zoro watched him take off and rolled his eyes. Stupid cook… He got up and followed the man out on deck.

"Hey, ero-cook!"

Sanji stopped in his tracks and looked over his shoulder at the swordsman, who was about to go into the men's quarters. He was doing likewise, though his body was angled slightly more toward the other.

Zoro seemed to hesitate, then said, "You better get well soon. Things are boring around here without you to fight."

Sanji was surprised; he hadn't expected such sentiment from Zoro. Then he laughed once and started back toward the galley. "Don't worry, shitty marimo! Once my hands work again, I'll come kick your ass!"

Zoro rolled his eyes and entered the cabin. He wishes, he thought, letting a small smile cross his face.

When Sanji entered the kitchen he was greeted by all of his nakama (minus Zoro), who were standing in a straight line in military attention. Even Robin was playing along, looking regal in her white cowboy hat. Luffy seemed to be having a hard time keeping still, but they otherwise looked very disciplined.

The cook was confounded. "Uh… What…?"

Usopp stepped forward out of the line and saluted. The others saluted in unison behind him. "Sanji-san, sir! Your valiant kitchen crew is awaiting your orders, sir!"

Sanji stared at them in confusion. "Huh?"

"Your kitchen crew, sir!" Usopp repeated, still in the ridiculous army tone. "I am the great Assistant Head Chef, Usopp-sama!"

"Ahem?" whispered Nami behind him.

"Er… Usopp-san, sir," he corrected, though it was directed more at Nami than the dumbstruck cook.

Luffy finally gave up on staying in rank. "We get to help you cook, Sanji!" he yelled in excitement, bouncing up and down.

Chopper followed his example, flying out of the line and attaching himself to Sanji's waist. "So you won't be sad anymore," he explained. "Don't be sad anymore, Sanji!"

"Wait… what exactly is going on?"

"You see, Sanji-kun," said Nami, giving up (to Usopp's complaint) on the military charade. "Robin had the idea to let you direct our cooking, like what you did with the notes you made yesterday. That way, you can still be in the kitchen even if you can't… well, you know…"

Sanji looked from her to Robin, who was smiling slightly. "Your idea… Robin-chwan! You're so sweet to think of me!" he cooed.

"You're welcome, Cook-san."

"Sanji!" cried Luffy, interrupting Sanji's fawning session. "Let's make some meat now! And better meat than what Usopp makes!"

"Jerk."

"Yeah!" agreed Chopper loudly, caught up in the excitement. "Let's-AAH! Don't be sad, Sanji!"

Sanji wiped away the happy tear that had slid down his cheek and laughed. You guys… "Alright, let's get started on breakfast! Get me some eggs!"

"Yes sir!"

"Eggs aren't meat!"

"Fine! Then we'll get some bacon, too!"

"Yosh! Bacon!"

And thus the Straw Hats' cook returned home.

End of Chapter 3

A/N: I felt kind of awkward writing parts of this chapter. Not too weird or mushy, is it? It is? Darn…

The first time Nami helped him he had cried again, though she secretly suspected it was more to lean against her chest than out of despair.

He has a one-track mind; seriously! Right now I'm in Skypiea, and when the Going Merry is being carried off by the speedy shrimp thingy, he's just like, "Oh no! Why is Nami-san wearing a t-shirt!" Cracks me up though. Oh, and, "We have to save Nami-san and Robin-chan!" And Luffy adding, "What about Zoro and Chopper?" every time… Heeheehee…

Nami had ventured into the storage room for something or other and found Sanji standing rather awkwardly in front of the bathroom door.

I looked over all the floor plans of the Going Merry, but my apologies if I get any of the layout wrong. I do know where the bathroom is, though! Woo!

By the way, this whole bathroom idea actually came when I was reading another fic on this site ("Losing His Touch" by White N Nerdy in the National Treasure section; if you're a Riley fan you should read it!), when Riley's hands are injured and he tells Ben that he might need some help in the bathroom. I remembered that when I began working on this, so here's the bathroom scene, One Piece-a-fied. And less of a joke than it is in White N Nerdy's fic.

Nami's eyes traveled in befuddlement from his face to his shirt, to his trousers… which would have to be unbuttoned.

I didn't intend for this to become a fic about Sanji's pants, though it seems that way. Actually, the following scene with Zoro was just something I later thought of on a whim. It's funny though. Or I think it is… Maybe my sense of humor is just twisted? Anyway, this isn't a fic about Sanji's pants! That's my point, yeah.

That seemed to be all Usopp could make.

I don't know what all Usopp can cook, actually, but it's probably easy things that a kid growing up without parents can make. Part of the problem is that I know absolutely nothing about cooking.

…his blanket covered lap…

Blanket covered because of the boxer thing, which all relates back to the bathroom thing. But again, this isn't a fic about Sanji's pants… or his underwear…

She pointed at Sanji's instructions for a rather elaborate mikan drink.

Non-alcoholic, I'm sure, since she's a minor. *shifty eyes* Yeah, I know, she has an insanely high alcohol tolerance; lucky her.

"Making all the meals and then extra things for you girls, and then there's all these dishes… Isn't anyone gonna help me with this!?!"

"If no one helps ero-cook, what makes you think we'll help you?" Zoro pointed out from his seat at the table.

Okay, it's been three chapters and two one shots and I haven't done it yet, so here it is: the "Why does no one help Sanji with anything on the ship" rant! Dun dun dun!!!

First of all, there's the dishes. Whenever Sanji isn't cooking or working on normal ship type things he's cleaning them. No one else ever does, except for ONCE when Luffy and Usopp washed them in dirty water. And speaking of that, when the heck does Sanji eat, anyway? Whenever the crew is shown eating, Sanji is usually either serving the girls drinks or… WASHING THE DISHES!!! He's been shown eating (I think) once when he cooked himself that wasn't a party. That was on the little boat on the way to Arlong Park. The only other time was when he ate that little girl's food in the Warship Island filler arc. Does he eat any other time? If he does, tell me!

By the way, directly after eating Apis' (that's her name, right? Warship was unimportant and too far back) food, he washes the dishes. Sigh…

"What do you think, Swordsman-san?"

I'm bad with Robin's nicknames; it's Kenshi-san, which is Swordsman-san, right? Or wrong? Feel free to correct me!

"This cut down on some… problems."

The idea being he could shimmy in and out of his boxers without his fingers, making Chopper unnecessary. Which is good for him.

By the way, I'm not a ZoSan fan, as I said before, and never will be, but I know it kind of looks like it since Zoro has now taken off and replaced Sanji's pants. But this isn't a ZoSan fic anymore than it's a fic about Sanji's pants! But if you wanna look at it that way, whatever floats your boat. It's just not my intention.

Even Robin was playing along, looking regal in her white cowboy hat.

I think Robin has awesome fashion sense! Though I'm also the girl who likes Bellemere's hair and thinks Buggy's hot, so I may not be the one to go to on these things. Heehee.

Get me some eggs!"

I hate eggs. Or at least I thought I hated eggs until I had this amazing Mexican dish this morning (made by one of my American friends for her Spanish class) made with scrambled eggs and tortilla and peppers and onions and all kinds of other good stuff… I had to literally fight the other people in my history class to get any. It was delicious! I'm trying to get the recipe.

And thus the Straw Hats' cook returned home.

Meaning the kitchen. Just to clarify.

I found the ending kind of lame. Sorry.

No evil pirates today! Soon, though. Soon.

Happy Good Friday all you Catholic types! Though it actually ended eleven minutes ago and is now Saturday… so I actually fail at updating early! Darn it! Oh well. Wait! Maybe in your time zone it's still okay! So yay for people in other time zones!

Happy Easter everybody!

Oh, and as promised, Sweetie-kins is making another appearance for all her fans, as she insists on crawling from my lap to the keyboard and back. Ready, Sweetie?

Absdovifuqy34-9trbhnldskvfoiaweenhn

Translation: Good-night everyone! This is Dandy and Sweetie, signing off!