Disclaimer: I don't own most of these charcters, they belong to Steph Meyer!

A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews. You guys really surprised me with your supportiveness despite the fact that many were disappointed in Bella's betrayal. Thanks for not crucifying me. –hugs-

Chapter 48 Those Who Seek Forgiveness

Awkward. That was one word that summed up the plane ride to Forks. Facing Edward after being with Christian was not as hard as I expected, just uncomfortable. He sensed a difference in me, but after the initial barrage of questions that went relatively unanswered, he'd let it go.

Christian was good to his word and kept his thoughts his own. Though, Alyria looked like she had some inkling. Whatever she thought, however, she kept to herself. I was surprised to say the least. Alyria liked to stir things up, but maybe she wasn't truly willing to risk hurting Kattra. Too bad I couldn't say the same thing for me. I hadn't just betrayed Edward, but her as well.

I couldn't keep from shooting inconspicuous glances in Christian's direction. Each time our eyes accidentally met was like an electrical spark. Making love to him had quieted the desperate physical longing, but the emotional connection was still there.

"We'll be staying in Seattle for a while," Kattra said, leaning around Christian to make eye contact with me. "Do you think that you will have time to stop by before you return to Volterra?"

I looked at Edward who scowled slightly and shrugged. "I doubt it," I finally mumbled, disappointed that I couldn't have a few more days with Christian. "You guys will be busy anyways," I smiled, trying to erase the disappointment from my face. "Your blood donors are already there waiting for you, correct?"

"Mmmm," Alyria purred sensuously, the sound trailing down all our bodies like the softest fur. "Yes. I cannot wait to show them how very much I have missed them." She chortled darkly and grabbed Christian. "Come along, lover. I need a pick me up," she mused shooting me an odd look before leading him to the back of our private jet.

I stared straight ahead trying to ignore the sounds wafting through the cabin, my eyes fixed on Demetri and Leah.

Quil and Seth were the only others on here. They were as far from us as possible, though Quil did not seem to hold a grudge. Even Leah wasn't blaming us. Demetri tried to play peacekeeper and to some degree it had worked. Leah no longer became violent whenever she saw me, but Seth wouldn't even look at me, or Demetri for that matter.

We'd been back from the funeral for an hour. I was now at Charlie's house avoiding Edward while reminiscing in my old room. It seemed like a lifetime ago when Edward would sneak into my room; lay on this bed with me humming my lullaby. Had I just thrown that all away to feed my addiction? Had I given up everything for Christian? My guilt was all consuming as I hugged my pillow close to me and sobbed quietly, tearlessly while I relived memories of my human life with Edward. My power over memories kept all of my human experiences fresh, not one detail was lost. I could recall every aspect as clearly as though it were happening right now.

Oh, to be able to go back to that time. Not that I didn't want to be a vampire, but everything had gone horribly wrong since my transformation. Edward and I hadn't had a break; there was always another enemy or something distracting us, occupying our time.

Our relationship had been tested time and again. Panic froze me. Would we survive this test? He'd said he could forgive me anything, but had he truly meant it? I was beginning to doubt it. There was only one way to find out, I needed to leave the safety and solace of my dad's house and face my demons.

Instead, I just rolled over and thought about Jake's funeral. Things hadn't exactly gone well there. Billy, in his grief, berated me and my kind and barred me from the funeral. Meghan never said anything to me just cried inconsolably while Leah and Seth held her. It had been Seth that had ordered me to leave. Demetri had given me a very apologetic look, but was not risking the wrath of Leah to defend me. It wasn't his job anyways. He'd had enough trouble with the La Push crowd, until Leah had finally snapped and said he was staying, that he went where she went.

Charlie had pulled me aside as I was getting in the Volvo. "Maybe you should stay away for a while, Bells." He wouldn't meet my eyes as he said this.

"You don't want me here for the wedding then?" I asked with no inflection in my voice. I expected to be a pariah to the La Push gang, but not to Charlie. Leah was right, he didn't need or want me anymore. I was just another dead body, I just happened to be able to walk and talk.

He moved back and forth uncomfortably on his heels. "It's not that I don't want you there…But Sue thinks it's best."

I sort of fell against the side of the car. The weight of the pain that accompanied those words was very real.

He hastened to add, "Billy will be there, Bella, and he's just not ready to be around you or your…family right now."

I swallowed hard and nodded, unable to speak through the choking lump in my throat.

"Love ya, Bells."

"Me too," I replied and slammed my door shut.

So, Charlie would be in La Push most of the day. Heck, maybe the night as well. I had no idea if he slept over at Sue's or not, but I guess it was likely. I didn't feel like I had to hurry out of here. Maybe that was just wishful thinking.

I touched the charms on my bracelet that Jacob had given me. The wolf and my initial- my wedding present. I hadn't been allowed to say goodbye to him, but I would go to his grave tonight, that they could not prevent. Well, maybe they could. I had the feeling that the treaty lines were back in effect and there was always a chance that the wolves would attack me if I tried to pay my respects, but I had to do it.

My feet dragged the closer I got to that white house. So many wonderful memories and now it would be tainted by my deception.

When I glanced back up he was standing there waiting for me. He'd removed the tie and undid a few buttons on his charcoal shirt and looked positively scrumptious, but the serious look in his eyes ruined the effect.

"You ready to tell me what's going on?"

I continued past him and flung myself into one of the leather couches. So much to say, and none of it pleasant. I just did not know where to begin. That look of frustration that he used to get every time I refused to answer a question that he couldn't read straight from my thoughts was being directed toward me again. It'd been a while since I'd seen it now that I was able to open my mind to him. But I was so not going to allow him access to that anytime soon, if ever. No matter how horrible it would be to hear me confess my affair, it would be a hundred times worse to actually see it.

He sighed and mumbled, "Infuriating."

I'd known it was going to be difficult when I made the decision to be with Christian, but I had no idea just how hard. I was just so scared all of a sudden. Every time I searched the future to see how my confession affected things all I got were blurred images. Sometimes I was alone, or appeared to be alone, and others it looked like his form was near me.

He rubbed his hands over his face irritably. "You have been withdrawn since our last night in Volterra," he stated pointedly. "Would you mind sharing what is bothering you? Did something happen or is this about Jacob? Because, Jacob's death is not your fault." He took my hand into his and drew it to his lips. "I am sorrier than you'll ever know that I could not help you this afternoon…that you were robbed of you final goodbyes." He pulled on my arm and I allowed him top scoop me into his lap, his lips fluttering over my face. I closed my eyes trying to calm my churning stomach as this wonderful man tried to comfort me when I didn't deserve his sympathy, or his love.

I was a wretched person. I let him hold me while time ticked away. I mourned Jacob and I mourned my marriage, and I did it all while wrapped tenderly in his arms. Would I ever feel them around me again? If this was the last time I'd get to feel his warm body then I was going to make the most of it, so I continued to cuddle against him. There would be time to crush his world later.

After a wordless hour pressed against him, inhaling his pungent scent I forced myself to do what I'd been dreading. I left the warmth of his body and paced around the room trying to work up the courage to say what needed said.

"Bella? Please. Let me into that enigma of a head of yours. Let me help you, hun."

"You can't help me." I breathed, a sob falling from my mouth as I glanced at him. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I…" Watching him flinch at my apology broke my heart.

"Are you apologizing for being distant or for something else?" He asked cautiously, his face nearly blank.

"Both." I went to the window and stared sightlessly. My vision was filled with multiple versions of Edward-all experiencing different levels of pain and heartache. I would never be able to look him in the eyes when I told him the truth. So, I kept my back to him so I would not have the vision of his first emotions haunting me for all eternity. "I slept with Christian," I admitted so softly. Those words seemed to echo forever throughout the house spreading their poison to all that was good here.

There was a sharp intake of breath from behind me and then a creak-like groan as he destroyed the arm of the couch he'd been sitting on.

I didn't fill the angry void with useless words; I just waited for him to find the words to say to me.

"You had sex with Christian?" He was right behind me now, his anger stinging my flesh. I nodded but continued to stare out the window, past our combined reflections, and into the dark backyard. "You love him."

"It's different from what I feel for you, but yes, I love him." He spun me around roughly. "How is it different?"

"It's less than what we-"
"The hell it is!" He roared. "If you loved me more then you wouldn't have fucked him," he bit out, his body trembling with rage. I felt like I needed to throw up. My insides were swirling dangerously. It seemed like we were outside of time, our eyes locked upon each other-his so full of horror, mine full of guilt. "You've made your decision then? You and Christian…are together?" When he asked this, his voice broke and such sorrow filled the room.

"I made my decision even before I went to Christian."

He nodded too fast several times and backed clumsily away, tripping over the edge of the Oriental rug. I reached out to help, but he scrambled away quickly and was across the room.

"Edward, please."

"Just stop, Bella. Stop. I am not all that interested in anything you have to say right now." He went to the piano and caressed it as he slid onto the seat. "No, right now you are going to listen to me, because right now I don't know what I'd do to you if I had to hear your beautiful voice again."

I leaned back against the wall, my arms across my chest sort of holding the gaping wound that was my heart together. I tried to tell him I was listening, but the only sound that came out was a small croak.

He shot me a disgusted look. "Don't." He breathed quickly through his nose for a few moments, trying to gather his thoughts. "How could you ask me to transform you when you loved me so little? Why bind yourself to this existence for all eternity for anything less than the love of your soul mate?"

"I do…"

"Dammit, Bella. Just shut up!" Apparently the questions were rhetorical. Either that or he'd been serious about not being able to stand the sound of my voice. "I did everything in my power to dissuade you from my world. I offered to stay by your side as you grew older, told you that you would meet a normal man who could give you the life that I could not, the life that you deserved and you swore that there would never be another." He closed his eyes, his hands balled into fists. "And each day that I spent with you…convinced me, a little more than the last, that you were right- that you did love me as much as I loved you, that there would never be anyone else for you." He swore harshly under his breath, shooting me a glare that nearly knocked the breath from me. "It was all a lie. But," he added thoughtfully. "There were signs. Signs that I chose to ignore, so I guess I'm as guilty as you are. I was never enough for you, was I? There was always someone that I was competing with. First Jacob, then Demetri, and now Christian."

"There was never a competition," I whispered hoarsely, my voice sounding unfamiliar.

"The hell you say!" He sneered contemptuously. I watched as he regained his composure, his face a mask of arrogance. "There will never be anyone else for me, not for love at least."

I knew he was just trying to hurt me since I'd hurt him, but the idea of him with some other woman, whether there was love or not, had me seeing red. I know it didn't make sense to me either. I was a hypocrite, but knowing that didn't change the fact that I would never be able to accept him with another woman even as I asked him to overlook my affair with Christian.

The silence stretched out while we stared at each other. "You …" I began, but couldn't bring myself to say that he'd promised he could forgive me anything. It felt too much like I had taken such a gamble with our marriage because he'd made an offhanded comment. Like I had expected no repercussions. "Tell me how to fix this," I pleaded as I moved forward a few steps.

His brows rose in surprise. "Fix this? I was under the impression that you …didn't want me."

"I'll always want you, Edward. I told you my decision was made even before I went to him."

"I don't understand."

"I love you, Edward. It's you I want. I just couldn't get him out of my head. God! I'm so sorry. I…couldn't."

His head fell into his hands. "Maybe I'm being really dense here, but you are saying that you love me more than all others but you just couldn't help yourself…you had to have sex with another man?" He asked thickly.

Well, when he said it that way, it did sound stupid and feeble, but it was the truth nonetheless. I shrugged. "Yeah, that about sums it up."

He laughed a humorless laugh. "I don't know what to do. Angry doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling towards you right now, but I know that I can't function without you." A haunted expression crossed his beautiful face and was echoed by mine. I'm sure he was remembering his time when he left me as a human. I certainly didn't want to go back to that arrangement. "I need time." He stood in one languid motion and closed the distance, his index finger caressing my cheek. "Our plane leaves in the morning. I'm not going with you, though." I nodded and felt the tearless sobs sneaking up on me, felt the chasm in my heart widening. Pretty soon there would be nothing left there. I would be as dead inside as that unbeating mass of muscle.

"I understand," I managed to reply as I tried to keep my feelings bottled up within me. He'd been through enough. He didn't need to see me break down too.

He considered me briefly before saying, "We need time apart, time to think. It's not forever, just for now," he added sadly. "Ask Carlisle to stay in Volterra for the rest of the month like he planned. I can't deal with them right now."

"Will you stay here, then?"

"No, the wolves have made it abundantly clear that they do not want any vampires around here and I will respect their wishes. After all, we have cost them the lives of two of their pack members." He brushed past me. "I'm going back to New Hampshire," he said as he picked up his keys. At the door he glanced back. "I love you, Bella, but I hate you too." And with that parting shot, he was gone.