Chapter Eleven

Going Ensane

"Do all vampires hate humans... and don't like to be in their presense unless it's just to satisfy something in them, whether it be hunger or just curiousity," I asked Evanen, slowly starting to confuse myself. We were back in his room, on his bed. I was laying on my stomach, hugging a pillow. As for Evanen, he was laying his head on my back for some reason, sometimes placing his hand on the back of my neck or tapping his fingers on various placing on my back. I was fine with it, as long as he didn't try to bite me, try to raise my shirt, or start rubbing my back in a suggestive way... "I mean, is there any vampire you know who likes humans as just regular people?"

Evanen didn't answer for awhile. He seemed warped in whatever it was that he was doing. Either he was trying to hear my insides, trying to see how long it was before his body absorbed my heat pointlessly, or maybe he was just tired and bored. If it was to see how long it would be before I got annoyed at his weight on my back, it would be awhile because it was more of an assuring weight that somehow told me I was still alive and solid. I enjoyed knowing that I was alive and solid, so I wouldn't mind the weight until the pain of staying in one spot starts to kick in.

"It's not that vampires hate humans," Evanen finally responded, pressing his fingers against the top of my back, in between my shoulders, until I felt the pressure on my spine. He started moving his fingers over my spinal structure slowly. "Some do, though. But mainly because it's the only way they'll not feel guilty for killing them without mercy. Others don't like being in the presense of humans because it reminds them of what they had and what they want, like Katha. And some are just afraid of hurting them, like Mikel. Then you have the few who just don't like hanging out with things that aren't like them, like Cecilian. Otherwise, you just have vampires who don't really hate nor like humans, but just see them as food, like Drewdon."

"And you are one who sees humans as food, except that you are curious as well," I stated, seeing as Evanen had a problem with explaining himself. "Which isn't exactly wrong, seeing as you've never been one." He didn't answer. So how do I bring up the parents without angering him again?

"It's almost as though you can hear the air spreading out to your blood rather than just staying in place within the lungs... everything is alive in you. Everything in moving, working," Evanen suddenly said, and I finally understood what he was doing. Turns out he was indeed listening to my insides. He didn't move from where he was, so I let it go.

"How is a person born a vampire," I asked, hoping that the approach to the subject wouldn't trigger his anger. He seemed at peace, though, because he merely continued listening to my organs.

"It's impossible," Evanen responded, and I frowned in confusion.

"But didn't you--"

"I was born a vampire, I know," he stated, and now I was completely confused. "It's impossible, though. But it was fate that one person would be born a vampire. And I just so happen to be the one fated vampire who was born dead." That didn't exactly answer my question, but I decided to continue.

"From two vampires," I asked, straight to my point. I felt him smile against my back, which gave me relief.

"Actually, from two humans if you have to know," he answered. "I was born a vampire. At first the doctors thought it was just albinism, but then they found that my blood cells wouldn't regenerate by themselves. So I had to get continuous blood transfusions. I was around five when I finally killed my parents, and it wasn't long before I got ahold of the vampire world. Drewdon was the one who raised me since then. But it's only temporary. They never quite knew how I would turn out, because they never even knew that a vampire could age physically. I'm not even sure if I'm going to be immortal like the others because I do age."

I was shocked that he explained so much, when I just expected a short answer of yes or no. I almost asked, "You killed your parents?" But then I thought that might be the reason he gets angry when he talks about his parents in the first place. With that thought, I found another question to ask him that wasn't directly asking about his personal life when it came to his past.

"So if you were born from two humans--" Please don't lose him yet... "-- do you know if you have a soul? Or do vampires always have souls... well, what I mean is, does that mean that you were born with a conscience, or do most vampires have conscience..." I forgot what I was meaning to ask. And after a couple of seconds, when Evanen didn't answer, I assumed he didn't understand what I was asking either. So I laid there to think on what exactly I was trying to ask. It was right there in my head. Whatever. I'll get back to that point later.

"Do vampires have souls," I asked instead.

"Do humans," Evanen asked, and I frowned. He suddenly laid his head just above my heart on my back, putting his hands on my lower back. "I don't hear any soul... and I've never seen one. And if humans do have souls, is it an always type of thing... Where all humans born are born with souls? If they are, then why are there humans that are as bad as vampires? Worse even? Do they not have souls? Are they born vampires in a human body?" I could feel him grinning with the sudden burst of questions. He turned slowly to look into my eyes. "What makes you think you have a soul? What about animals... plants? Do they have souls? Some are good, some are evil."

I never thought of it that way. I just assumed souls were a natural part of life and death. "Well, my dad would say people all have souls, even the bad ones. It's just that those who end up being evil; those that are worse than vampires... they have damned souls. But... well, he also says that only humans have souls. Which is why I was wondering if vampires have souls, because you're not human."

"Well," Evanen laid his head back down on my back, "Why would you think vampires wouldn't have souls if souls do exist? Maybe they're just like the evil humans; with just damned souls... not an absense of one. Especially seeing as they were born human, so that they did have souls."

"Maybe that's true," I responded, keeping an open mind. "But that brings me to this question: do you have a soul? If souls exist?" Evanen stopped tapping on my back muscles abruptly. I stopped breathing. Did I hit a nerve? He sat up and started to get off the bed without a word. Yep. I hit a nerve. I let out a breath of air and groaned. And I pushed myself up.

Before he could leave the room, I bounded in front of him and weakly put my hands on his chest to keep him from leaving. I didn't exactly see the point on trying to put all my might into the pushing, seeing as he was the vampire of this duet. But I just needed to find something to say to cheer him up so I wouldn't have to spend a nice long length of hours in a boring room all by my lonesome until he feels better. He didn't hesitate to grab my shoulders and move me out of his way before I could say something, though.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it in a mean way. I'm sure you have a soul or something. And if you don't, then it's not a bad thing. Well, it's suppose to be, but I don't mind. And who says there actually are souls? Maybe we're just a bunch of electrified cells moving about in such a weird way that it seems like it's a soul. Maybe when we die, we're just dead...maybe... I don't care just... just," He was already opening the door, and I turned and grabbed a hand-held mirror. I threw it with rage towards Evanen, and it crashed into the door, shattering to peices before it hit the floor. Before he could yell at me with furiousity, I wailed with pain, "Don't leave me." And I sobbed before becoming shocked with myself. I wiped away the tears that had suddenly appeared, and calmed myself down. Wow, I blew that way out of proportions.

Now that I had embarrassed myself, I turned away from Evanen -- who had let go of the door knob and was looking from the broken mirror to me with a shocked and confused expression -- and I crawled back onto the bed and smothered my face into the pillow, covering myself up with the blanket. Unwanted tears were still trying to burn their way out of my eyes, and I wasn't sure exactly why. Maybe Evanen was started to drive me insane.

I felt a sudden weight lower the bed beside me, but I continued to hide myself in my humiliation. "I didn't mean to upset you...," Evanen said uncertainly, and he paused. I didn't respond, so he continued, "I just... I really don't know if I have a soul or not, and sometimes it... well, sometimes it scares me. Because then I really don't have a purpose in being here besides killing people... and helping my kind kill even more people... but all in all... just killing. And if I don't have a soul, that would mean that I never had a choice in any matter. Even if I had stayed with not killing anyone... if I never had a soul, I'd always be damned. No matter what... do you... can you understand?" I still didn't answer. For some reason, now I wanted him to leave. He depresses me. Enrages me. So why not just keep me enslaved by myself, seeing as that seems to be his plan at some point anyways.

"Why are you upset," he asked, and I was furious. Isn't it obvious? I flung the blanket off of me, and sat up to glare at him.

"What am I," I questioned through my gritted teeth. I didn't really expect a sure answer, and Evanen didn't answer. He merely looked at me with confusion. "Do I look like I was born to be stuck in one room forever? As some sort of toy? A doll to entertain you? You ask me why I'm upset, I'll tell you why! You pluck me from my life, and put me in a box like I'm a... a turtle or something. And then everytime I say something that doesn't go your way, you go bouncing away, locking me in my box so that I'm stuck in here all by myself until my brain starts bouncing off the walls with boredom. How am I suppose to know that you won't just leave for so long one day that I'll just be stuck in here until I turn delusional? It's not like I even have a window to look at the scene, either. Ever read the book 'Flowers In The Attic'? AT LEAST THEY COULD GO OUT ON THE ROOF! Are you going to poison me with arsenic? Huh? Huh? Well, I'll have you know, mister Evanen, I will NOT eat any powdered donuts you offer to me. No, sir. You can think twice on that.

"See what you've done? I'm already going insane. I'm enraged, enslaved, and now I'm going E-n-sane," I finished with a hiss. And I plopped my head back into the pillow before screaming into it. My rage now spent, I felt like going to sleep. Evanen didn't seem to be responding to anything. And when he did place his hand on my shoulder lightly, I smacked it away angrily and growled, "Go away. Leave. Leave me here to die. It's not like you were planning on keeping me alive for too long anyways."

He hesitated. "How about I get someone else? Bring you a little girl for company or something? Would that make you happy," he asked sincerely, and I felt a sudden revulsion. He was never human. It showed at times like this. When it seemed as if he could not understand a human's mind. But I didn't feel sympathy. I felt disgust.

I turned my head to glare at him in disbelief. "No," I gasped in shock, but then my voice became stronger as I repeated, "No. No, you can't just go fetch company! Then I would be worried about her dying from boredom as well as me. Why would I want someone else to suffer to entertain me? I'm not you." I winced on the inside at the hurt expression on his face.

And then he was angry. I could see it in the way he tensed up, and how his eyes became cold as he glared at me. Sometimes I wish I could just shut up, but I just had to go and say something like that. But instead of him just storming out of the room or hitting me, he just moved his glare up to the ceiling as if he was trying to gain control of his anger. I merely stared in small interest.

"Fine," he finally said venomously, "I'll stay here and kill you instead of leaving and getting control of myself. As long as that's what you want." I was only a little worried about that statement, but it turned out I didn't have to be worried that much anyways. Evanen didn't attempt to try to strangle or bite me, so I just laid my head on the pillow to peer at him. As long as there was something here to entertain me, I wouldn't start to die of complete boredom. Plus, it was interesting to watch the expression of his face as he laid his head next to mine to peer at my own face as well. Under normal circumstances, I'd feel uncomfortable, but this wasn't exactly a normal situation.

A suddenly sad expression leaked from his facial features, and he started with a voice of heartache, "I can't give you sunlight. If I made a window, I wouldn't be able to come in here with you when the sun is up. And I can't let you outside freely during the day because I wouldn't be able to be there with you to know that you wouldn't just escape. Which I know that you would try to run; don't try to deny that." I merely continued to peer into his blue eyes while he peered into my light brown eyes. "But one day soon we'll see the sun rise together. I promise." And he smiled cryptically. I couldn't help but smirk at the hopeful feeling he placed in my heart with his eyes.

He started to trace his fingers over my face lightly, his cold fingers bringing a relief to my hot cheeks. "You're not a doll... and you're not a turtle," Evanen stated with a tone of amusement. I let a small smile come to my lips, but it was gone with a small bitter feeling of disbelief. "I just can't let you go anywhere anytime in case Katha, Cecilian, or Drewdon try to pull another thing like in the kitchen again. They think they can control me better if I have nothing for myself, so they're trying their best to take you from me. As if I'd be grateful for that." And he sounded bitter as well. "But I don't enjoy leaving you in here constantly. They just know that if they try to get in here, I'd be able to sense it. So I know you're safe as long as you're here. And I want you to be safe."

I was frowning with disappointment. "Well, can't we just go somewhere else, where I won't have to be locked up in one room all day? Away from everyone here?" And Evanen was smiling again with an evil thought in his eyes.

"I wouldn't say things like that if I were you," he warned, still smiling with amusement, "That's the exact reason why they're afraid of you being here. They think you'll get me to leave. They think they have me right where they want me, but only because I agree to be there. And with you here, they think you'll change my mind." I felt suddenly uneasy. I said I wouldn't bother with doing anything like that to Cecilian, and here I was; breaking it. And what's more; they can probably hear me right now. I'm doomed."

Evanen frowned slowly, apparently concerned with the sudden panic in my eyes. "It's okay," he assured, "I wouldn't endanger you by letting you convince me to do anything they wouldn't like..." And he smiled as I yeilded to his words. "Still," he continued, moving into a low whisper, "I wouldn't mind just leaving. But let's keep that a secret." And I giggled as he put his forefinger over his lips in silence.

After a moment of staring at each other, in which Evanen continued his curiousity with my being by lightly touching every inch of my face, I said sincerely, "I seriously wouldn't care whether or not you have a soul. Sometimes I think that even the existance of souls would be pointless. Maybe it's just a stupid point system, counting off everytime you do something bad."

Evanen's expression didn't change. "What about if you do something good?" I shrugged.

"Maybe nobody ever has souls until they do something that makes them deserve one," I stated, "So maybe by doing good things rather than evil things earns them a soul, which is why there seem to be people who are soulless when they're evil."

"And what would you think would make me earn a soul," Evanen asked curiously, as though I wasn't saying 'maybe' but rather 'certainly'. "What would allow a born monster who has done nothing in his life but kill earn a soul?" I closed my eyes, feeling exhausted suddenly.

Even if earning a soul was true... how was I suppose to know how?