Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dwarf or any of its characters. I do, however, own a very nice candle that smells like hot chocolate, and I'd appreciate it if you stopped licking it.

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Rimmer watched with disgust as Lister set his empty pint glass on the floor and wrung his shirt out over it. A bit of lager made it inside, more of it ended up on the floor. When he was finished, Lister picked up the pint glass and quaffed the dubious brew, making a satisfied Ahhh.

"C'mon, Rimmer," Lister said, setting the glass down. "Let's go get me kids."

Rimmer looked alarmed. "Uh, why don't I wait here and, uh, fix up the guest quarters?"

A knowing smile spread on Lister's face. "Ohh, I get it. You're afraid that Arlene might be there, eh?"

"Yes," Rimmer said. "And if she asks, tell her I'm dead."

Lister shrugged. "Cat? You gonna come?"

"And smell that Dog all over me for the rest of the day? No way," Cat scoffed. "I'm having enough trouble as it is trying to get my hair back in place."

"Looks like it's just you and me, Kryten," Lister said.

"I'd be delighted to welcome them on board, sir," Kryten said, taking the frilly apron off.

"Great," Lister perked up. "Let's go!"

Starbug's door opened, and Deb Lister stepped out. She was soon followed by Arlene Rimmer.

"Hi," Deb said.

"Hi," Lister replied. "How are they?"

"They're good," She said slowly. "Very healthy. I'm sure they'll really enjoy staying with you."

"I can't wait to see them," Dave grinned.

"Uh, excuse me," Arlene butted in. "Where's Arnold?"

"He says he's dead," Lister told her.

"Oh," She said, turning to Deb. "Well, perhaps if you wouldn't mind waiting for a moment…"

Deb gave her a harsh look that clearly said no.

"So, where are they?" Lister asked.

Deb turned to Starbug and motioned to someone inside. "Come on, boys. Come out."

Two sullen looking teenaged boys came out, carrying duffel bags.

"Hey, there's me boys!" Lister cheered, holding his arms wide. "Come 'ere and give your old man a hug, eh?"

Bexley rolled his eyes and Jim looked to Deb for guidance. She motioned them forward and they reluctantly stepped forward. Lister grabbed them both in a bear hug, oblivious to their discomfort. Kryten lifted a camera and snapped a photo of them.

"Well," Deb said loudly, looking at Arlene. "We best be going, eh?" Then she smiled sweetly at the Listers. "Be back in a few days. Have fun."

Jim and Bexley mumbled something incoherent. Arlene reluctantly followed Deb back into the ship and the door closed. Alone inside, Deb heaved a sigh of relief.

"Thank God!" She said. "I never thought I'd get rid of them."

Arlene looked puzzled. "You are coming back to get them, right?"

"Rimmer, don't be such a smeghead," Deb snapped. "Course I am. Eventually."

They laughed.

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"This is fantastic!" Lister gushed as they out of the landing bay. "We'll be able to stay up late, watch old reruns of Zero-G Football together, eat curries…"

"We don't like curries," Jim told him.

"And we don't like Zero-G Football," Bexley added.

"What?" Lister stopped dead in his tracks. "B-but I named you after Jim-Bexley Speed, the greatest Zero-Gravity Football player who ever lived! Don't tell me you don't like him, either."

"We like Zero-Gravity Racquetball," Jim told him.

"It's completely zapped," Bexley said.

"Zapped?" Lister repeated, looking to Kryten, who shrugged helplessly. "What the smeg is that?"

"Don't be so analog, Dad," Bexley said disapprovingly.

"Yeah, you need to upgrade your software," Jim agreed. They walked off.

Lister was dumbfounded. "What the smeg just happened?"

"Oh, they seem delightful, sir," Kryten said, delighted. "I can't wait to get to know them, better."

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Later, in the mess hall, Rimmer regaled the twins with tales of his noble adventures as acting senior officer of Red Dwarf while Jim and Bexley munched on burgers and chips, pointedly trying to ignore him.

"… and that's when I realized that if I didn't do something, my crew was going to die," Rimmer went on. "Bravely, I ventured into the cargo bay, with nothing but a bazookoid and my wits to protect me."

"That's funny," Bexley snorted. "On our ship, Rimmer wanted to attack the polymorph with a letter-writing campaign."

"Yes… well…" Rimmer struggled. "That's because your Rimmer is a girl."

Bexley snorted again and laughed out loud. Kryten came in and set two glasses of milk down in front of the boys.

"Can I get you anything else?" He asked.

"No thanks, Kryten," Jim said.

"Would it be all right if I asked you a question, young sirs?" Kryten said, sitting down.

"Sure."

"I was wondering, is there a Kryten on board your ship?"

"No, we haven't got a mechanoid," Bexley said. "Just us and the others."

Jim, bored, picked up the guitar he'd stowed under the table and began tuning it just as Lister came in.

"Hey, that's mine," Lister hurried over and snatched the guitar away. "You can't just go into my quarters and snatch me guitar. This is a genuine Les Paul copy. It's very valuable."

"Sorry, Dad," Jim shrugged.

"Hey, you wanna hear your old man strum out a few chords?" Lister asked.

Before they could answer, he began playing. Terribly. Rimmer, used to this, simply sighed and put his hands over his ears. The twins made faces and did the same. The cat came into the room, marched up to Lister, removed his hat, and slapped him with it.

"Shut up!" The Cat yelled. He dropped the hat and pulled out a bottle of hand sanitizer, using a liberal amount to cleanse his hands.

"Okay, Cat, geez," Lister muttered, picking his hat up off the floor and putting it back on. "I was just showing me boys what a guitar god I am."

"I think my ears are bleeding," Bexley groaned and nodded to his brother. "Jim."

Jim took the guitar back and played it expertly.

Rimmer slowly lowered his hands, gaping at him in disbelief. "Wow, I guess being a gimboid skips a generation."

Lister nodded, clearly jealous and trying to hide it. "That wasn't bad. You've got some talent there, kid."

"Talent?" The Cat repeated. "He's incredible! I didn't know a guitar could be used to make music. I thought it was just used to peel paint off of the walls."

"Oh, but it's most useful whenever we need to repaint the corridors," Kryten added, trying to be helpful. "Why, without Mr. Lister's help, we'd have to chisel away at the walls for hours."

Lister deflated, then perked up a little. "Say, how would you boys like to go down to the cinema and watch McLintock! with me and the skutters?"

"We had the John Wayne Movie Fest on our ship last month," Bexley said, rolling his eyes. "John Wayne is so analog."

"We're going to finish unpacking, now," Jim announced. The twins left.

Lister sank into one of the empty seats. "What's going on? They don't like curries, they don't like Zero-G Football…"

"They can play guitar," Cat added.

"… and they think I'm a total gimboid," Lister went on. "I don't understand what happened. Their mother must have done something to them."

"They're teenagers," Rimmer reminded him. "All parents are total gimboids to teenagers."

"Try not to worry, Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten added, patting him on the back. "They haven't even been here a day. They're still getting used to everything. Think how strange it must be for them."

"Yeah," The Cat agreed. "If I saw you and knew you were my father, I'd never be the same, afterwards."

"You know, Kryten, you're right," Lister said with certainty. "We've got the whole weekend to get to know each other. They'll warm up to me."