Author's note: Here it is, the final chapter of my first fan fiction story. I hope it's been tolerable. I promise to make the next one better. Well, I promise to try. Okay, I promise to be sober when I write the rough draft. No more NyQuil for me!

Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dwarf or any of it's characters. But if you'd like to purchase a star and name it after me, that would be totally cool with me.

**************************************************************************************************

"Don't you think you're overreacting a little?" Deb asked from the view screen.

"No, I don't," Lister said stubbornly. "They're out of control. They don't respect me. They don't want to have anything to do with me unless it's stealing me beer and me cigarettes. Which, by the way, they must have gotten from you."

"Oh, really?" Deb crossed her arms. "I'll have you know that I haven't touched a single beer or smoked a single cigarette since you dropped them off, over a year ago."

"I-" Lister began to argue, but stopped. "What?"

"That's right," She nodded. "Not a drop. Not a single puff. I did it for them."

Lister was speechless.

"Have you even thought about how hard this has been on me?" She went on. "I don't have any experience raising children. Suddenly, you pop in and say 'sorry, I can't raise them or they'll die in a week' and kick them through the airlock faster than I can say 'chicken vindaloo'. Raising two kids by yourself is no picnic, not to mention the fact that they were instant teenagers."

"Oh, hey," Lister said quietly. "I feel really bad, now."

"I love the boys. I really do," Deb said quietly. "But I need a break. And they need a father. Not a friend, Dave. A father. So get crackin'. And good luck."

The view screen switched off. Lister sat back in his chair and let out a breath, slowly. She's right. I still drink and smoke. I haven't done anything to take responsibility. I just expected them to pal around with me.

In the corridor, he could hear someone whistling. A moment later, Rimmer came in, strutting.

"Shall I have Kryten pack their bags now, or wait until morning?" Rimmer asked, grinning.

"They're staying here," Lister told him.

"What?" Rimmer drew himself up. "But they're total goits, and they blatantly disrespect me in front of the crew. As acting senior officer onboard this ship, I command you to-"

"Rimmer, they're me sons," Lister interrupted. "You can't order me throw them off the ship. Besides, the crew disrespects you in front of the crew."

He changed tactics "What happened? I thought you didn't want them here any more."

"I've got to take more responsibility," Lister explained. "I've got to act like a real dad to them. They deserve it."

Rimmer got a suspicious look on his face. "Did she hypnotize you?"

"I'm serious, Rimmer."

His eyes got wide. "She's blackmailing you? That's incredible. How do you blackmail someone when it's common knowledge that their family tree goes in a circle? What could possibly be worse than that?"

Lister rolled his eyes and walked away.

*********************************************************************

"But, sir!" Kryten protested. "I don't understand why I'm being punished."

"You're not being punished, Kryten, they are," Lister explained again. "If they clean up after themselves, they will learn to take responsibility for their actions."

"But – but…" Kryten stammered.

"It's only temporary, Kryten," Lister assured him. "I promise things will go back to normal when they leave."

The mechanoid sputtered and twitched, then finally sighed. "Oh, very well, sir. I understand."

Lister smiled and patted him on the back, then stepped into the twins' room. Jim and Bexley were still passed out, and the room was still a wreck. Lister set one of the beer cans upright and stomped it flat with his boot. The noise made the twins jump, then groan in pain.

"Rise and shine, boys," Lister said.

"What time is it?" Jim grumbled.

"Ten in the morning," Lister announced. "I wanted you to get an early start."

Bexley sat up, alarmed. "With what?"

"Your punishment," Lister told him, and presented them with a broom and dust pan.

"You can't be serious," Bexley said.

"Oh, yes I am. We're gonna make this room spotless before breakfast," Lister said smugly. "And after that, we're gonna wash the dishes."

"You have lost your mind," Jim laughed.

"What's this for?" Bexley demanded.

"For drinking and smoking," Lister replied. "It's wrong, and I won't have my sons doing it."

"You are full of complete and utter smeg!" Bexley raged. "You drink and smoke. Where d'ya think we got it from?"

"Why d'ya think I said we?" Lister pulled a paper dust mask out of his pocket and put it on his face, snapping the elastic cord. "Ouch!"

Bexley opened his mouth, but stopped. "What?"

"I've been doing some thinking," Lister said, walking over and putting an arm around each kid. "And I've come to realize that I haven't been setting a good example for you guys. I've been trying to act like a friend, but what I should have been doing was acting like a father. I'd like to start over, try again. If you'll let me."

Jim gave him a knowing look. "You've been talking to Mum, haven't you?"

"Hey, give me a little credit," Lister complained through the dust mask. "I can clean up me act without any say so from her."

The twins crossed their arms simultaneously.

Lister deflated. "Yes, I spoke to Deb."

"Ha!" Jim said.

"All right, all right," Lister handed him the broom. "Let's get started, then."

*****************************************************************

The next day…

Starbug's door opened and Deb Lister came out, smiling broadly. "Hey, boys! Come here and give me a hug. I missed you."

Jim and Bexley went over and hugged her. Not eagerly, but not with hesitation. Lister, Rimmer, the Cat and Kryten watched the reunion. Kryten dabbed at his eyes with a hankie. The Cat fussed with his nails, looking bored.

"What's this?" She puzzled. "You actually happy to see me, too?"

"We missed you, too, Mum," Bexley said.

"Can we come back and visit Dad some time?" Jim asked.

"Well, I guess that's up to him," Deb said, raising a questioning eyebrow at her male counterpart.

"I'd love that," Lister said, giving them a genuine smile.

"Hm," Deb pondered that for a moment, then shrugged. "All right, then. Glad everything worked out."

"You boys take care," Lister said, giving them one last hug. "And don't forget to help yer mum out more often, since she doesn't have a Krytina around."

"We will," They chorused.

Jim, Bexley and Deb went back into Starbug. Lister and the others waved as they took off. Lister looked bittersweet.

"Why, Listie," Rimmer said, surprised. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you already missed the little smeggers."

Lister didn't respond. He watched until the shuttle was completely out of sight, then promptly pulled a can of lager and a cigarette out of his pocket. He lit the cigarette, cracked open the can of lager and drank from it, cigarette still dangling from the corner of his mouth. Somehow, the cigarette stayed lit, which required a lot of talent. Beer dribbled off of his chin and all over his shirt. The can was empty before he came up for breath. "Ahhhh…."

"You really are despicable," The Cat said, wrinkling his nose. "You weren't serious about setting a good example. You were just waiting until they left."

"Wow!" Kryten said, amazed. "I don't know how you do it, sir. Lying to your own children. How I envy your abilities!"

"Hey, I had to set a good example for them," Lister argued. "I've done that, and how it's her turn to set the good example, again. There's no sense in letting perfectly good lager go to waste when there's a John Wayne Movie Fest to attend."

Rimmer shook his head. "Lister, you're about as mature as fart jokes at a funeral."

"At least he's consistent," The Cat said.

"Come on, guys," Lister said, pulling out another beer. "Let's go watch The Green Berets."

END