Chapter 1
I massage my cheeks, trying to dull the ache that persists from so long spent smiling. Peeta notices this and laughs, walking over to me after slipping off his jacket and replacing my hands with his.
"It's been a tiring day for you, let me run you a bath." I nod and he smiles, leaning in to kiss me gently and the action makes me smile despite the discomfort doing so causes. Haymitch was right, I could do a lot worse. In fact, I'm fairly certain I couldn't do any better.
As Peeta goes toward the bathroom, my eyes sweep the room, pretending to take in the lavish features while checking for surveillance cameras. I don't notice any but I'm not stupid enough to take comfort in that. I'm sure Snow takes as much pleasure in watching the wedding nights of the nuptials he orchestrates as he does the children who must fight to the death in the arena.
I pull myself from my dark thoughts and kick off my towering heels, stumbling as my ankles assume an ordinary position. With the lost height the bottom few inches of my dress have rested on the ground around me and I hitch up the many layers of silk and tulle in a way that would give Effie a heart attack before making my way towards the bathroom. Peeta is leant over, turning the taps off, the sleeves of his shirt pushed up to his elbows and his bowtie loosened and when he notices me his expression is so genuine it takes my breath away.
My eyes glance over the large tub, filled with water I know is the perfect temperature and covered in a layer of the thickest foam I'd seen and I realise Peeta must have been considering my modesty when he chose it.
Such a simple gesture is almost enough to bring me to tears. That he knows this wedding was not of my own volition. It brings the full understanding of Haymitch's words to me, that this isn't how he wanted it. He wanted it to be real.
I try every day to make it so.
"Could you undo my dress?" I whisper and turn my back to him and within seconds his hands begin to fumble the long line of pearl buttons which run the length of my back. His hands brush against me occasionally and they're warm and comforting and I miss the touch as soon as it leaves me. He manages the last button, which sits in line with the flimsy white underwear Effie was excitedly brandishing for me as she worked with my prep team this morning. I'm sure that Effie is sharper than most of the Capitol and given how well she knows us, the fact that she believed my excitement for the wedding is proof enough I was convincing. I turn to face Peeta, my dress in place only by my hands which grip the top of it and as Peeta moves as though to leave me in privacy, I let it drop.
My face immediately flushes with embarrassment as I stand before him, in nothing but my tiny underwear with my dress pooled at my feet. Cinna had designed the dress such that there was more than adequate support to keep my small breasts in place. So much so that Peeta is most likely disappointed with the sight and size of them.
When I chance a glance at his face disappointment is the furthest thing from how I would describe his expression and I'm sure I blush deeper as I try to name the look on his face.
I can only describe it as hungry.
The thought brings back the tingle in my thighs I have spent the weeks leading up to tonight trying to learn and understand. Swallowing my pride and asking Effie for help was well worth it, I never could have done this otherwise. The movie - if I could even call it that - she stole from Haymitch for me was instrumental in my education.
"Turn around." I tell Peeta and my voice has taken a husky tone I didn't know I was capable of but by the way Peeta's jaw slackens before he obeys, I can only assume he likes it.
I slide off my underwear, which although leave very little to the imagination, they hide enough that at least I will have something of my body Peeta hasn't seen later.
I step into the bath and I was right that the water would be perfect and I lower myself until only my neck and shoulders is visible above the foam before I tell Peeta he can look.
"Would you wash my hair?" I ask him and he smiles at the request in a way that lets me know I've said the right thing. Saying the right thing is slowly coming more naturally to me. He kneels beside the bath and gently his fingers work at releasing my hair from the elaborate style it's in, making a small pile of pins, pearls and jewels beside him. When he finally can run his fingers through my hair without them catching, he goes to the sink and takes the small cup that sits with the extensive variety of toiletries, from which he selects an assortment of products before returning to my side.
"Maybe you should take your shirt off? It will probably get wet otherwise." I tell him nervously.
"Good thinking, Kat." He replies smoothly and as he slowly unbuttons his shirt, before shrugging it off, I'm fixated on him.
Despite seeing his bare chest in the games the experience feels new and I try to memorise every inch of his skin. It's paler than the rest of him, just as I suppose mine is and whether he's always this way or he suffered with wax too, his chest is hairless. His two small nipples have hardened at the exposure to the cool air and it takes a surprising amount of restraint for me not to reach out and touch them.
Peeta is looking at me slightly confused and I'm sure my face showed the same hunger that he did when he saw me, only that is not an expression he expects me to make. He knows that I don't love him the way he loves me.
When Haymitch told us on the Victory Tour that this was our life now, I was less upset than I should have been, it was more weary acceptance than any kind of anger. Peeta was the reason I had a life at all. If not for us being the star-crossed lovers I never would have gotten the sponsors, been loved by Panem, truly become their girl on fire. To spend my life being loved by Peeta was not the worst fate that could await me. Over the last few months, I have tried to learn to love him back.
When he makes me feel like this, I wonder if I'm almost there.
I press my legs together and try to ignore the growing ache between my thighs and Peeta moves back to the edge of the bath and with one hand shielding my eyes he slowly empties cup after cup of water over my head, thumb rubbing patterns on my temple and I'm so relaxed I allow myself a pleased sigh, knowing Peeta will want to hear it.
His hands pull away from me and I tilt my head toward him, worried that he didn't like it and notice him opening a small bottle of the shampoo Flavius is always telling me to use.
When his hands make contact with my scalp and begin to rub the shampoo into my hair, it is nothing like Flavius' brisk and efficient strokes.
His fingers press hard and move torturously slow over my scalp and my back arches in pleasure and the movement causes my breasts to come into view and despite being covered in foam, the dark pink of my nipples is unmistakable. In embarrassment I go to return beneath the water but I think of the effect seeing his body had on me and tilt myself further, wanting him to look at me.
I can tell he's noticed because the rhythm of his fingers changes and he moves faster, alternating the pressure and I can't help but moan slightly and I never would have thought having my hair washed could bring such a sound from me but I can tell by Peeta's sharp intake of breath that he likes it and I try not to be embarrassed as similar sounds escape me when Peeta's hands continue to explore my scalp, finding spots of sensitivity I never knew existed.
"Peeta." I breathe and I arch my back further out of the tub hoping it will make my meaning clearer. "I'm still covered in all this glitter from my dress, would you wash it off for me?"
His hands tremble as they slide down to my shoulders, gently massaging them with his still soapy hands. He lingers too long though, clearly nervous and when I tell him I think my shoulders are clean his movement is hesitant, before he gently runs his fingers and then hands along my collarbone and chest, but staying above my breasts and I groan, shifting further out of the water and I'm pleased that the foam is sliding off my wet body, leaving my skin open to him.
"Lower, please." I ask him and when his hands slip forward to cup each of my breasts he's rewarded with a deep moan at the contact and my head tilts back and meets with his chest and when I open my eyes his glance moves from his hands on my chest to my face and when I lick my lips he takes the hint and leans forward to kiss me.
His hands are much bigger than my breasts, but he holds me such that his fingers and palm are able to gently apply and remove pressure whilst his thumbs sweep in circles over my nipples. I've tried the same thing recently but the pleasure Peeta doing it brings is tenfold what I brought myself to experience and as I moan against his lips I can't help but bring my hand between my legs.
I fail in my attempt at subtlety and the slight splash as I move draws his attention and when he looks back to me, his eyes are confused again.
"You're really enjoying this." He murmurs, a statement for the purpose of any watchful eyes, but I know well enough he's asking me.
"Yes." I breathe and Peeta stands to pull me from the bath, hair still soapy and dripping wet, I wish that I could have had the sense to send him out during my bath so I would look somewhat desirable for him when I met him in bed but Peeta doesn't seem the least bit concerned as he takes a towel from the wall and slows begins to dry me. I cross my feet and hold my hands in front of me, in an attempt at some modesty which he pretends not to notice. He starts with my hair, which really needed rinsing but I can't bring myself to complain about it.
He moves to my shoulders, arms and back, kissing each part as it's dry before he focuses intently on my breasts. He's massaging me with the towel long after the last drips of water have disappeared and he hesitates, but after taking in the lust I don't doubt I'm staring at him with, he leans down and captures my breast in his mouth.
I grip to his shoulder when my knees buckle and cry out in pleasure as he gently sucks my nipple into his mouth before pulling back.
I'm panting and he moves to drying my feet as though nothing happened and I can feel the tension building inside me as his hands move up my calves and thighs, before moving to my behind, and when his movements slow, I wait in breathless anticipation for him to move between my legs.
Instead, he stands, leaning in to kiss my neck and as his tongue traces my ear, despite the close proximity, I barely hear him whisper. "We don't have to do this."
"Yes we do." I murmur and I can tell by the way he grips my shoulders tighter that my words hurt him so I force down my embarrassment at the admission and continue. "But that's okay because I want to." He pulls back to study my face at these words and despite how much I want to keep my eyes focused on the tiles, I take a deep breath and look him in the eyes. "I was so nervous I asked Effie for help and she stole one of Haymitch's dirty DVDs for me to watch. I... I've been trying to practice by myself. Trying to think about what we'd do together and trying to do it with... my hands and..."
"Katniss." He breathes and the awe on his face makes my heart ache. "You touched yourself... Like, like that thinking about us? Me doing things to you?"
I nod nervously and Peeta groans and wraps me in his arms and kisses me. One hand tangles itself in my hair, tilting my head so his tongue can move further in my mouth and the other gently grips my behind and the touch makes me tingle and when he presses our hips together I gasp.
"Peeta, I'm going to get your nice pants all wet." I whine as he grinds his hips against mine, sending waves of pleasure over my body.
"That's right, I did forget to dry you there." He says with a cheeky grin.
"The bath isn't really the problem down there…" I say, hiding my head on his shoulder in embarrassment .
It seems the last of Peeta's self-control snaps at my admission and he lifts me, bringing my legs around his waist and when he brings his hand around to my behind I'm expecting him to support me with it, but instead he slips his hand between my legs and when one of his fingers slips inside me my hips buck against him and I gasp, shifting my hips lower to move him deeper and he indulges my desire, moving his fingers in and out of me and my eyes slide closed as he pleasures me. It isn't until I feel the hard bludge in his pants as he shifts his weight and his hips move against mine that I realise I'm having the same effect on Peeta he has on me. I tighten my legs around him and as I start to rub against him he moans and his fingers quicken. I press harder as I move and he rewards me with another deep noise of pleasure and he moves forward until I feel my back press against the wall. He uses the stability to grind himself harder against me and I whimper as his movements stimulate the most sensitive part of me.
He stops for a moment, worried he's hurt me but the way I say his name must make it clear he hasn't, because he resumes his movements, slipping another finger inside me as he does.
The fabric of his pants is soft, but rough at the same time and as he moves quicker and my legs shake I'm reminded why I stay away from that spot, it's too much for me. Peeta is panting and his fingers are pressing into me in a way that I know this feels good for him but I need him to stop.
"Peeta, it's too good, I can't take it, I'm going to burst." He moans as I say this and presses harder, and my whole body is trembling in his arms.
"You can, please, Katniss." He insists and I squirm in his arms, trying to get away from the pressure and I clutch at Peeta as it threatens to overwhelm me. "Burst for me, Katniss."
As he says this, the pressure in me peaks and as I feel it explode I let out a terrified little scream which breaks into a moan as waves of pleasure wash over me. I thrash in his arms as he rubs harder and harder against me and as the pleasure begins to subside, Peeta stiffens and moans my name, hips jerking erratically against me a few times before he stills.
"Peeta... What was that? Did… did you feel the same thing I did?" I ask after a few moments of silence and he lets out a breathy laugh, panting and he loosens his grip on my legs so I can stand with him. My legs are still shaky and I tighten my grip on him to stay steady.
"I did. I figured I better so that later when we… well, nevermind."
"What was it?" I repeat, ignoring his embarrassment and as he shifts against me I can tell that the hardness from before has disappeared and wonder if it thats normal.
"An orgasm, love, I thought you said you touched yourself?" His tone is cheeky and I immediately feel embarrassed, as though I've been doing something wrong.
"I always stopped when it started to hurt like that." I mumble.
"It stopped hurting right? It felt good didn't it?" I can hear the fear in his voice and I hide my head in his shoulder so he can't see how red I am.
"I want you to make it happen again."
"Oh, Katniss." He moans and he takes my face in his hand when he kisses me. He pulls back and I see his face lit up with a brilliant smile before he sweeps me off my feet, the way he carried me away from the wedding and after lowering me to the bed, he stands back to admire me and I squirm uncomfortable under the heat of his gaze. "You are the most beautiful woman I will ever lay my eyes on."
"It's not fair how much looking you get to do. It's your turn to take some clothes off." I tell him indignantly and he laughs, before slowly reaching down and undoing his pants. He hesitates and I am overwhelmed by the need to reassure him. "I need to know every part of the man I'm… I'm… I'mfallinginlovewith."
I say it so quickly I'm sure he missed it but the way his eyes widen makes me know he caught every word. Peeta told me he loved me often and when he said it late the night of our engagement, I promised him I wouldn't say it off camera until I could mean it the same way he did. I know I still can't match what he feels for me, but I know that in time I will and if nothing else, tonight, when we're going to do this, I need him to know that much.
In response he allows his pants to drop and my eyes sweep every inch of him, from the tip of dark pink I see poking out the top of his underwear to the hardness of his artificial leg. I sit up and beckon him forward and he doesn't stop me as I slowly run my hand down the front of his underwear. He's hard again and I can feel the stickiness, the evidence of the effect I have on him and my curiosity overcomes me and I bring my hand to my mouth and lick the residue from my hand and Peeta moans again. I look at him confused and he just shakes his head, reaching to remove his underwear until I grip his hands.
"Let me." I tell him and I slowly pull them down and when his manhood springs free of his underwear, a combination of fear and arousal sends heat pooling between my legs. "You're perfect." I whisper and in an attempt at showing how I'm learning to love him, I lean down and press a soft kiss to the tip. He gasps again and I think of his earlier actions and I cautiously wrap my mouth around him, sucking gently as I pull back, relishing in the drawn out moan he makes.
"What made you do that?" he pants as he stares at me in disbelief.
"It felt so good when you did it… here." I allow my hand to brush over my breast so I don't have to say the words. "I thought it might feel good for you, too."
He climbs onto me, one leg on either side of me, his body hovering over me and he leans forward, bring my breast back to his mouth. This time he doesn't draw back and I squirm underneath him as he sucks on me, tongue dancing over my nipple until I'm begging him, what for, I'm not entirely sure. He pulls back and grins, before moving down to sit towards the end of the bed at my feet.
"Katniss, show me how you touch yourself."
"What!" I gasp, my legs instinctively moving together despite the desire his words bring about in me. I shake my head frantically, embarrassment overwhelming me and it takes his hands on my thighs, gently pushing them apart to make me look at him again.
"Relax, you don't have to, I just want to know what you like, how you bring yourself pleasure. I want you to show me how to make this better for you."
"You showed me what I like." I whisper, biting my lower lip as his eyebrows raise. "Nothing I have ever done felt as good as the things you can do to me."
He closes his eyes and I see him breathing deeply and when he looks at me he smiles.
"You have no idea how good that makes me feel. Can I try something new?"
"Are you going to… just… be gentle."
He leans forward to brush my hair off my face and the tenderness of the gesture relaxes me.
"Not yet, but I will always be gentle. Of course."
"Then what are you-" my question is cut off as I squeal when he lowers his head between my legs, pressing his tongue to me. He gently runs his tongue up and down along me and I spread my legs further apart despite having half a mind to stop him, embarrassed as I am that his mouth is there, when he carefully spreads my folds with his fingers before sucking on me. My sharp intake of breath is far too high pitched for my liking.
"Found it." He chuckles to himself and I push myself up onto my elbows to frown at him.
"Found what exac-ah-" My hands clutch at the sheets as he does it again and I resist the urge to kick him as he laughs at me again.
"This spot, Katniss, it's called your clitoris." His fingers make small circles over it as he lifts his head to wink at me and I groan at the contact. "I'd heard enough about it that I knew it was important to making you feel good but I didn't know if I'd find it."
As he gently lets his fingers brush over the spot, watching me with such love, I realise properly for the first time that once the games happened, even if we didn't need to keep up with the star-crossed lovers façade, that this would have happened anyway. That the bond we forged from the moment I called his name in the forest, to putting those berries in my mouth, ready to risk dying so I need not kill him, could never be matched. That from then on, I needed him, that he was part of me.
"Peeta, I'm ready." I whisper and his fingers still and I can tell from his expression he's asking if I'm sure and when I nod and he gently lies himself on top of me, I thank god I let mother give me a shot of her expensive Capitol birth control medicine. I know Peeta wants children, but I know he understands that I couldn't do that.
His thoughts must have taken the same track as mine because he leans in, lips brushing my ear as he whispers and I'm filled with hate for a moment that we can hardly even speak freely on our wedding night.
"I'll… pull out, just before I-"
"I've taken care of that." I interrupt him, under the guise of kissing his neck and he nods, slowly bringing his hips towards mine and when I feel the tip of him slide along me I gasp and I feel him smile before he slips slightly inside me.
I had expected pain, but it's more of a discomfort, like I'm being stretched more than I should. When he stops, he's panting and I take deep steading breaths, as I try and relax, spreading my legs further to accommodate him.
"I was so happy I got you there before, I figured it would help everything relax and make this easier for you. I don't want this to hurt you if I can help it."
"I'm okay, you can move." I tell him, giving him a playful push with my hips. He draws back slowly and gently pushes himself back in and I hold back from wincing, knowing it isn't possible for him to do anything more for me than he is already doing. His pace doesn't pick up, staying slow and gentle and after a few minutes, I begin to adjust to the sensation and I can tell he fits better inside me. I lift his head so I can face him and from the way he is biting his lip I can tell the self-restraint is torturous and in that moment I want nothing more than to bring him pleasure.
"Peeta, I want more." I whisper and he groans, drawing back out and pressing into me harder. I gasp as his hips press against my clitoris, which must be exposed with my legs so far apart and each time he thrusts his hips towards me, they slide along the wetness he gathered there and although it still overwhelms me in a way that hurts, knowing what follows, I'm desperate for his every movement. "God, faster, please."
"Katniss, I can't, I'm already so close, I won't come before you."
"I am too, please, I need-" I lift my hips in rhythm to meet his and he whimpers, fingers clutching tightly at my hair but if it hurts I can't tell because I am lost, unable to think of anything but the pleasure that begins to rise rapidly inside me.
"No, no, no, oh god- Kat, please, I-"
"Yes, Peeta, please, don't stop." I beg and as he groans, his thrusts turn sporadic and this time when I feel the pleasure shatter inside me I'm ready for it and my back arches into him and when he moves to desperately rubbing against me, in place his thrusts the pleasure spikes again and I forget myself as I grind myself against him in return and I feel myself tightening around him and after a few moments I start to slow my movements as the pleasure refuses to ebb and when we slowly stop, him still inside me, I am filled with a satisfaction I've never known.
As Peeta pants above me, gently pulling out of me but not moving away, I run my hand up and down his back and I think that learning to love him as deeply as he loves me won't be so hard.
The TV across from the bed turns on and I stupidly pull away from Peeta, to cover myself with the blanket. Peeta's hand resting on mine calms me and I shake my head.
"Just a stupid Capitol broadcast." I say with a nervous laugh but he doesn't match my humour, turning to face the television and I frown at his lack of response, until my eyes are drawn in the same direction as I see President Snow on a podium in front of screaming Capitolites. "What-"
"Shh!" Peeta insists, gripping my hand tighter and I oblige, eyes focusing on the box of cards in front of him. "The reading of the card…"
Before I have a chance to ask Peeta what he means, Snow clears his throat and dread pools in my stomach and I know whatever he has to say is not something I want to hear.
"This year marks the Seventy-Fifth Hunger Games and our Third Quarter Quell." The screams from the crowd sicken me and I return Peeta's desperate hold as Snow pulls out a card with the number 75 on it. "As you all know the Quarter Quell marks a rather special games, to keep fresh the horrors of the Rebellion so they need never be repeated." He glances down at the card and I am sure Peeta's fingers will break beneath mine. "For the third Quarter Quell, to remind the rebels of the damaging effect the Rebellion had on population sustainability, both tributes from the district will be female."
Peeta wraps me in his arms as I scream and all I can think of is Prim and how as my sister the odds are definitely not in her favour.