Chapter Twenty-Seven
Life Lost Early
I had a new reason to believe I was going to die. See, I suddenly couldn't wake up anymore, and not only was I stuck in subconciousness, but I had a fit of fever that made my sleep very uncomfortable. And not only was I ill, but it was completely strange that I was ill. I figured I had voided myself of all illness the moment I survived Evanen's first attack on me, changing my own DNA by adding his. I hadn't felt even a sniffle since then, which was odd with my medical history of illness. Now I was lost in what I could only remember as severely uncomfortable darkness. I could only hope that it would end pretty fast, seeing as it was almost as if I didn't know I was sick within my own mind. It felt like I had always been that way; hot, uncomfortable, and ultimately suffering forever.
Everything about me hurt, but it wasn't as though it was my throat, head, or stomach that ached. It was as though the pain was in my blood, rushing to crash their fire into everything; muscles, skin, and especially my intestinal area. But blood hurting didn't make sense seeing as blood itself doesn't have nerve endings. Just like the brain itself can't actually hurt because it has no nerve endings. It is the nerve receiver, so during headaches, it was the area surrounding the brain that hurt. Or mere pressure. Headaches always confused me. Either way, I couldn't see how blood could hurt, so I could only assume that in whatever way I was hurting, it was as though my blood was the thing in pain.
When I was in the depth of my sudden rush of illness, I started hallucinating. I must have been hallucinating because at some point, I felt a small hand on my forehead, and when I looked, a barely familiar face frowned down at me with worry. For some reason, this very moment was familiar, as though I had lived it before. I hesitated before croaking, "Mom?" And then there was no one there. So it went on like this, with hallucinations which somehow held a blurry vision of my mom, whom I hadn't seen since I was five -- an age I barely remember what-so-ever -- until I had begun to start hallucinating about a boy who would lay next to me and talk about everything. This boy was the most confusing because he had my dad's blue eyes, destined to become an aged grey, but he had the same hair which I had before I'd been turned partial albino to the doctors. This boy was the most confusing because... well, I assumed he was my dead brother, which made less sense than my mother being there.
Finally, there came a point when I felt a relief of pressure within my blood, and everything seemed a bit easier. Not better, but easier, as if my body had stopped fighting and I was preparing to go into a better place. So when I had opened my eyes this time, the vision of Evanen hovering close to me had to be real as opposed to Seanel conversing about oranges and how I had written in my journal that I liked oranges. He could have been trying to give me one, but I had declined in belief that afterlife food should be kept at bay until I entered the afterlife. Now Evanen smiled when he saw that I was looking at him, but it seemed like a pained smile. A smile that meant nothing was fine but he wanted me to think everything was fine, which is ridiculous seeing as I would obviously know nothing is fine.
He had ahold of my face delicately, and I tried to reach for his hands but my arms were lost somewhere. "Let me change you now," Evanen said quietly, coaxingly. He wasn't requesting this as a way to keep me forever with him, but in a more desperate way. "Just say yes, and all this will end. You'll be better, and I'll take care of you. You won't be like Mikel, I promise. You'll feel so much better... stronger. Please, Hailence." I was partially glad that he was going to wait for my permission before forcing me into that type of life.
I smiled lightly before whispering, "I'm fine. No need." And I was back into my world of darkness. I wouldn't know how long it was until I could finally wake up and stay awake, but it was a glorious time when I could finally open my eyes to a dim room and not feel myself pulled back into subconsciousness. I was extremely tired, though, and was shocked by how damp and clammy I felt. I looked down at my arm due to a small tug to see someone had hooked me to two IVs, and I took notice to a nasogastric tube which was protruding from my nostril, taped to stay still, and distributing a creamy brown substance to my stomach steadily. I did not enjoy this one because I could feel the tube when I swallowed. I reached up to my nose as though to pull it out, but noticed some white thing clamped to the tip of my finger. I followed to cord to a machine which had my heart rate on it, the thud of my heart sending the line to a small dip and raise, not too much of a dip that it seemed extremely weak to me.
It was almost like being in a hospital, except I was still in Evanen's bed. I looked up to follow the IVs to two bags hanging down a rack. One had a clear liquid in it, which I assumed was water, and the other was a thick, red liquid with the words 'A Positive' plastered on it. I suddenly felt a wave of deja-vu at this, remembering when I had woken up in the hospital with much the same things injected into my body after Evanen's first attack. I had turned then to see my father, and now I turned to the same spot as though in hope, but he wasn't there this time. No one was there, in fact, and I looked around for a hint as to what had caused my previous ill state. The only difference I could see was a chart on the dresser next to a silver tray with simple things such as a small flashlight, a thermometer, and a few other small objects that I couldn't quite see.
Finally, someone knocked and the door opened, and a familiar entrance of a woman with red hair and light freckles which matched her eyes almost raised my spirits. She saw me, and apparently something on my face erased her somber expression and she smiled that trustworthy smile of ease. "Hello, I'm Dr. Reeth, remember," she asked, sounding a bit pleased, and of course I remembered the human doctor who had seen me here once before for stitches. I nodded, not really in the mood to talk with this tube in my throat. Evanen followed behind her, a smile brightening his face suddenly at my consciousness. In a blink of an eye, literally, he was on the bed beside me.
"How are you feeling? Does anything hurt? Are you in pain? Can you see? Do you feel sick, still? Are you okay," He asked pressing his hand to my forehead, as though he of all non-people would know what temperature he should feel to know I was normal. I swatted at his hands, irritated slightly before breaking into a smile.
"I'm feeling much better," I admitted, "Just tired." And then Dr. Reeth came to the bedside with the tray, moving it on the bedside table. She pulled out the flashlight, and I remembered to keep my urge to smash it like I had with Dr. Wells under control. She flashed it through my eyes twice, and smiled in a bit of relief. And then she put the thermometer in my mouth. After this, she wrote something down on the chart before checking my blood pressure. Then she started on the questions.
"Do you feel dizzy at all," she asked. Nope. "How's your vision? Blurry," she asked. Nope, clear enough. And it went on from there until she was satisfied. Amazingly, Evanen didn't interupt her, but everytime she touched me, he continued with the peircing eyes of a hawk, protecting its property. Dr. Reeth finally sat back, and I knew she was finished.
"What happened," I asked cautiously, looking towards Evanen carefully for answers.
Dr. Reeth smiled as though to console me, and I wasn't so sure about myself anymore. "I'm sorry," She laid a hand lightly on my upper arm, leaning closer sincerely, "But you have miscarried. Apparently your blood supply was.." Evanen suddenly cut her off with a sharp look. I was now in utter shock, and completely confused.
"I'll tell her, thanks," Evanen said, "You can leave. I think she'll be fine, now." And Dr. Reeth looked a bit humiliated, but apparently she was being paid good money. She left pretty quickly, just like last time. I wondered if she knew this house was full of vampires. But not as much as I wondered what had actually happened because I assumed it must be more about vampirism instead of a.. well... a miscarriage didn't make sense. I turned to Evanen for an answer, and he looked a bit stern and gloomy.
"What really happened," I asked in disbelief.
Evanen seemed to hesitate, but said, "I know about you and Mikel." This was completely random and off the wall, and I frowned, confused as to what this had to do with my illness. He continued, though, "I know that you two were sneaking around. I could smell him on you, which is why I was trying to keep you in my sight all the time, which apparently didn't work because you two got together. I know about that, Hailence." I looked down sheepishly, not actually embarrassed about Mikel and me because I loved him... still loved him. But the way Evanen said it was as though I had cheated or done the ultimate sin or something.
I felt as though I should apologize, but instead I inquired, "What does that have to do with--"
"Dr. Reeth wasn't lying," Evanen interupted, "You miscarried." And now I was angry at Evanen for lying to me.
"That's not possible," I snapped.
"It is," Evanen laughed cruelly, "Well, the getting pregnant part is, but the miscarrying part is a lot harder to do, but you did both! See, as long as one of the partners are living humans, hybrid breeding is possible. It's hard to do usually, but some people are more acceptable to the vampire blood and can give life to a half human half vampire. So Mikel left something of him behind in you, but it died, which is harder than getting pregnant because the baby is half vampire after all." I looked at him with shock, everything frozen within me. I was still too busy over the fact that I was pregnant with Mikel's baby... a child of the combination of both Mikel and me. And then I started to reach the part of the word 'miscarriage'.
"Apparently, when you were trying to kill yourself by starvation, you weren't just killing yourself. What human blood the baby did have died off while your body was struggling to keep you alive. The vampire blood itself from Mikel helped it live for awhile, but then when you called for me and Sir Trenton got ahold of you... he finished the baby off by throwing you around," Evanen said darkly, "Which I believe would have been a damn lucky thing for you because those half breeds get the worse of it in this life. Plus its hell to raise those things. Trust me, I've seen one. But when this infant died, what vampire blood that was being exchanged between you two was cut off and your body couldn't handle it anymore. It went haywire, and when your human blood was dying off, the enhancements I gave you by biting you started to battle in, but nothing can help that if I don't give you my blood. Which I tried to get you to let me do, but you were determined to keep your humanity." He scoffed, and stopped talking.
I reached to my stomach, which wasn't as tight as before the feeding tube when I had been starving, suddenly feeling as though I was going to throw up. It reminded me of Seanel, and I realized this was another life lost so early that I would now wonder as I always had with Seanel how it would have turned out. Only this one didn't have a name or a sex or anything. This one didn't even get to breathe. I looked at Evanen, feeling empty suddenly, "A baby... Mikel's?" He hesitated.
"Yes," He said slowly.
"And it's gone because of me," I asked. Evanen didn't answer this, something probably screaming at him that I was going through another 'human' thing and that to say anything more would disrupt my weird 'human' way and ultimately not help him in the long run. It didn't matter though because I knew already. I killed the only thing that would have kept Mikel with me forever. In my selfishness, I had starved a small life to death, and prevented life. There was a difference between my mother and I, though, because while she lost Seanel to natural causes, I had killed mine. I killed someone again. "No," I whispered, and I rolled away from Evanen before staring at the distant wall. Then I started crying quietly. It wasn't too long before Evanen was gone.
By allowing myself to think, I merely made things worse. Oh, how much of a disappointment I would be to Mikel. He would be absolutely distraught if he had been alive to find I had killed our child. And then, how disappointing a mother I was. I failed before I could start. I couldn't stop wondering who our child would have been. What would I have named him or her? What color eyes would he or she have? I could imagine a boy with sandy blonde and a soft brown eyes, his small hands reaching to my face, and a gleeful smile on his. I could see a girl with soft, wavy hair, dancing in circles like I used to in a light, white dress. But now I could see nothing. There was nothing.
~...~
I had the IVs and feeding tube removed... not a very pleasant experience as ever. Evanen didn't mention Mikel or our could have been child since the first news. I stopped trying to think about it, feeling a physical pain at what could have been. Still, even when I didn't want to think of the lost infant, I could still feel an emptiness within me, as though what peice of Mikel I had safely harbored in me was gone as well. It was torturable, so I took to thinking of other things. This was a hard feat, seeing as the only things I could think of was revenge and blame. Basically, it all went to Katha, seeing as if I focused on Evanen, life would be extremely uncomfortable, and if I tried to pin it all on me -- which I did already in self-blame -- I would become an utter depressed mess. There was no point of living that. So I loved thinking of all the ways to harm Katha, while dreaming of nothing but a lost infant that I couldn't quite see or touch.
Evanen was laying beside me, and I was actually facing him. I stared bluntly at him, mulling recent events over. "Evanen," I said quietly, not feeling the urge to raise my voice lately. He was looking directly back at me so it wasn't as though I had to try hard to get his attention. "Can vampires read thoughts?" It was somewhat similiar to what I had asked before when Mikel had first entered my thoughts to help me escape and had lost control.
"Well, I figure you'd know that already," Evanen said, "Seeing as they've been in your head before."
I sighed, "I don't mean read thoughts as in how you and others go in my mind and control my thoughts. I mean read thoughts, like know what I know. Because it doesn't seem like any of you do that." Evanen stared at me for a moment as though trying to figure out the curiousity behind this.
"Well, Mikel could somewhat do it," Evanen said carefully, as though mentioning Mikel was a touchy subject, "He couldn't actually know everything a person knew, but the main thought in their mind. Only when he tried, as well. To hear the main thought a person is having, you have to concentrate really hard, and not even I could do a full mind reading.. as you call it. It's much easier to control the mind." And he smiled sharkly.
I frowned, "But there are vampires who can do it, right."
"What exactly do you mean," Evanen said evasively.
"I mean," I hesitated, "I mean like... are there vampires out there who can know every thought in your mind.. with like a touch."
Automatically, Evanen sat up sharply. "Did he touch you? He didn't... did he," he asked desperately.
"Who," I asked, still trying to maintain the innocent curiousity.
"Jove Silverstone," Evanen stated, and I knew I gave it away at the startlement upon my face. He groaned, "Trenton let him touch you?" I hesitated, wondering what that could possibly mean, before nodding slowly. It was like the time when I admitted to my dad that I had touched the poison ivy plant, and he was groaning about my action but at a loss for anything to do seeing as it was already done. Evanen was muttering to himself, and he pulled my face closer to his before resting his forehead against mine. A familiar presence of him appeared through my mind, but not for long because he backed up. "He's been everywhere." That sounded a bit intimate.
"What's it mean... when he touches me," I asked slowly, not sure I wanted to know.
Evanen frowned at me before saying, "Usually if he just touches for a glimpse, it's not too bad. He'd just sense you when you're around him, and there's not much of a connection. But it looks as though he kept with you a good length of time, which isn't a good thing in itself because that means that he decided you were a person among few which he wouldn't mind a connection with. Now he knows where you are, and he'll have a mental connection as well that will allow him to hear whatever he wants from you. That in itself isn't good because now you're a danger to whoever you're around. He could find anything he wants from you."
For a moment, I didn't like this thought. And then I remembered how Jove's touch brought such pleasant energy and how he had let me go without stopping me. Now I knew why, seeing as he didn't actually let me go completely. With this in my mind, I suddenly on impulse thought with a burst of concentration: Hi Jove. I waited a moment, but there was no response. "So are there many vampires like Jove," I asked curiously. Evanen seemed to be over the initial shock, but he no longer seemed pleased as he laid back down.
"Actually, no, and I wouldn't be happy with his kind of power any day," He responded bitterly.
"What does that mean," I inquired.
"He has the ultimate access to anyones mind, vampire and human alike, but he doesn't have any other mind-connected power. He doesn't have the power to control humans like most vampires do. Plus, it wouldn't be too enjoyable to have such access to everyone's thoughts with a touch. Imagine being stuck in that predicament. Always having to wear gloves and avoid touching people in the off chance of knowing everything you don't want to know about a person," Evanen stated, and he didn't look as though he'd like that at all. I couldn't help but to remember what had been said about Dylan when Jove had touched her. How he avoided her basically. I wondered what she harbored behind those eyes that repelled someone so much.
A wandering thought suddenly fleeted to my mind as I wondered if Jove had known that I was pregnant. In that second, I looked back to every action he had done with his expressions and words to see if there was any indication that he had known. I couldn't think of any, but surely he must have. Unless he'd literally had to touch a person, babies included, in order to hear anything from them. Then again, the baby could have not even been developed enough to even have a thought. Still, the possibility that he knew and didn't warn me seethed into me until I was boiling with rage. I now had another person to add to my list of blame.
I looked at Evanen again. "Are there any vampires who can read your mind and control it... like read it completely, like Jove could, but control it as well," I asked. He raked through his mind as though searching for any such vampires in his memory.
"Not that I know of," He responded.
"Well, what about those who can read your thoughts like Jove could without actual physical contact," I waited patiently.
"Never heard of one.. in fact, I've never actually known anyone besides Silverstone who knew how to do what he does," Evanen stated shortly, "Which is why I knew if you were asking about that, there would be only one person you could have met." I wondered what it was about vampires that allowed them that type of power to utterly burst through someones personal boundaries. It had to be some sort of predator thing against humans because most things vampires had in power were used to better effectively survive being the top of the food chain. But then if vampires were the predator, and they had so many powers against us, there must be a way humans can better protect themselves. Usually the prey learn to adapt around certain things predators can do to get them, right?
"Is there any way you can block it," I asked suddenly, wondering if it was even worth asking such a question seeing as Evanen would probably deny any type of positive answer just so he'd keep an upper hand on me. But he looked unsure as to my question, so I better phrased it, "Well, if vampires can read and control the mind, is there any way the person whose mind is being... invaded can basically block it? Prevent it? So that the vampire can't read or control their mind?" Evanen now looked a bit uncertain, but I knew this time it was because he didn't know if he should answer it. All he had to do is strickly say 'no' and there'd be nothing I could do about it.
"Yes, there is," Evanen admitted, and he smiled as though he'd just got an idea. "And I think I'll teach it to you for future reference."
I hesitated, "You'd teach it to me?"
"Sure," He said, "It'd be perfect. Then I wouldn't have to worry as much about any other people messing with your head."
"But aren't you worried that you won't... you know... be able to dominate me by--"
"By controlling you," Evanen asked, interupting me gleefully. "If you haven't noticed, I don't try to do much of that anyway." I thought about that, realizing that all those recent mind control had come from others rather than Evanen, whose last order had been to be quiet when I was screaming. It wasn't a nice order, actually, but he hadn't been forcing me to do much else. So I smiled in return to Evanen.
"Okay, teach me," I requested, as though the knowledge would just suddenly be there. Evanen seemed oddly happy about this, and there was a glint in his eyes that told me this couldn't be too good of a lesson to learn if he was this joyful in the process. So I frowned slowly. "Wait, what exactly do I have to do to learn it because I'm not so sure I want to learn it anyway." Evanen sat up, pulling me up to sitting position as well.
"Oh, you're going to learn, and it's not too bad," He said, crossing his legs indian style so that I did the same. I was still uncertain, but he seemed at ease about all this. "The thing about mind control is that between the vampire and the human, the power behind the order versus the effect is antagonistic. This basically means that, say, if there's something a vampires wants a human to do, and the human wants to do it as well, then the power behind the order doesn't have to be strong in order to get the wanted effect. Now, if there's an order that the vampire wants the human to do, but the human doesn't want to do it, then the power behind the order has to be stronger to get the wanted effect. Then there's different ammounts of power behind the order you must obtain in order to get the effect, so the only way you could possibly get the exact ammount needed would be to know what the human is thinking, which you now know isn't possible."
"Because there's only mind control or mind reading, no full mixing," I stated shortly, "So what does this have to do with blocking it if all you're telling me is the vampire's need to use control rather than the human's power to block it?" Evanen looked a bit irritated at my impatience, but he could handle it well enough.
"Well, what I'm telling you is that you'll be experiencing the same problem as vampires when trying to block it, meaning that you'll never completely know the power behind the order and only know how much you do or don't want to do the order," Evanen stated, and I waited for more. "So if you're ordered to do something that you want to do, you'll have more problems blocking that than blocking those orders which you don't want to do at all. And therefore, in this training, I'll be the one ordering you, first lightly powered orders that I'm sure you won't want to do. And what you'll do is struggle against the want to ever do what is ordered. Okay? It's all behind not wanting to do any of it, and then pushing the order away with your own mind." It sounded easy enough, so I nodded, and clamped my hands on my knees firmly in preparation.
Evanen leaned in closer to me, and said in that familiar voice which climbed into my thoughts to latch onto every thought I had, "Kiss me." This startled me completely so that I didn't have time to even concentrate against this order. So in the next second my lips and his were together. The order let go of my thoughts shortly, and I pulled back, putting my hand to cover my mouth.
"Not fair," I said bitterly, "I wasn't ready." Evanen just smiled, obviously pleased.
"Concentrate," He insisted, "You have to concentrate on not wanting to do anything I order." And I didn't want to do anything he ordered. Nothing, even if that included breathing, because he ordered it. I glared at him bitterly, and took a deep breath before concentrating real hard on preparing for my thoughts to be invaded.
"Laugh," Evanen ordered lightly, and the order started latching onto my thoughts lazily. I clamped my mouth shut, holding my breath, and concentrated on pushing the order off my thoughts so determinely that there was a good length of hesitation before a laugh suddenly escaped through my lips dryly. The order let go, and I groaned. Evanen smirked. "You'll get it eventually, Hailence." And I waited for the next order, hoping that he was right because I hated not being able to have my own choice in my own actions.