Oh. Oh no. This could not be happening. His C.O.'s daughter did not just turn up here after she had so obviously committed the first act of mutiny ever recorded aboard the Normandy. That wasn't something Beni would do, she loved him too much to pull such a cruel stunt.

No matter how many times he blinked and rubbed his eyes, his vision remained the same. Beni stood before him, clad in a dress that had certainly seen better days, splotched with powder and blush and whatever other peculiar substances human females liked to rub on their faces. Her hands looked like they had been dipped in a vibrantly red shade of nail polish and he was pretty sure those were her father's dog-tags dangling on that chain about her neck.

All of that could have been excused; a little warm water, a sturdy towel and a stern talking-to and it would have been as though it had never happened. What worried him was the streaks of lipstick on her face. Miranda's lipstick. The lipstick she had so proudly crowed was streak-proof and water-resistant. He sincerely hoped it didn't work as advertised or his life was going to get a lot harder. Those were plainly supposed to be his clan-markings. Crap.

Garrus knelt slowly, bringing himself face-to-face with Beni's fiercely grimacing face. "What's this, Blue?"

"My marking." Beni beamed proudly for a moment before stubbornly forcing the scowl back onto her face.

"Looks a little like my marking." He hummed. "Did you get your mama's permission?"

"We're family; we shou' have the same markings."

"Should." He corrected, absent-minded. Beni seemed to take it as confirmation of her cleverness, nodding vigorously.

"Did you ask your mama?" He repeated.

"Nope." She chirped brightly in a tone that sounded suspiciously like she might be mimicking Shepard.

Shepard. He was saved. "Did you tell your papa?"

"Nope." She was giggling now, tiny hands muffling the sound.

Spirits, he had to find Shepard and beg for her help before Liara hunted them down. It wouldn't matter that he wasn't on baby-sitting duty or that he hadn't been present when she'd been making mischief, all that would matter would be that she was in his company when she was discovered.

Miranda was going to kill him. She'd never be able to blame Beni for it; she'd call him a bad influence and insist that he shouldn't spend so much time with Beni and then…

He was panicking and he didn't have the time. Swift action was required, but first…

"Beni," he rumbled, and Beni perked up, trying to throw a crisp salute but gesturing vaguely instead. "Did anyone see you coming down here."

Beni rolled her eyes in thought, "Uncle Joker."

"Yeah?" Garrus growled.

"He said to see you."

"I bet."

"What?"

"Never mind. Tell you what, let's play a game. We're going to try to get to the bathrooms without anybody seeing us, especially uncle Joker and aunt Miranda; then we're going to see who can scrub off their clan-markings fastest. Winner gets a sweet."

Bribery was always a good course, and trickery had its place. Unfortunately, Beni was every bit as likely to bargain with him on the terms of their game. He would probably end up buying out an entire sweet-shop by the time she was done; there was no denying she held the power here.

To his surprise, Beni's eyes teared up and she sniffled softly. "Did I do it wrong? You don't look happy." Her face was contorting into that face that always preceded her heart-rending sobs. Garrus frantically searched for any excuse he could give to reassure her that all was well. Maybe it was better to just explain? No. Then she'd go sobbing to Miranda to apologize and they would be back in the same fix.

"No. Of course not!" He made his voice as cheery as he could, trying for an excited expression; Beni eyed him doubtfully as one small fist rubbed the gathering tears from her eyes.

"It's just, being on a secret mission and all, we shouldn't be wearing our markings."

She was frowning now, but those tears had dried as though they never were. He recognized that frown, he had seen it on her mother's face many times.

"What mission?"

That was a fairly harmless question, maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as he thought, if he could think of something that would sound plausible to a child. "You know, the one where we…" He floundered for a moment, but his expression turned wicked as inspiration struck. "The one where we try to find where Uncle Joker is keeping his data pad. We can't do that if he knows we're a team."

Why was she still frowning? Was that not good enough? She pursed her lips thoughtfully, but her eyes said she found him lacking in some way; he looked forward to the day she could successfully use that look against her father.

"Why're your markings still on."

"I was waiting for you."

"How'd you know I was coming?" Her eyes were wide with wonder; not doubt then, just surprise.

"I know everything. You will too when you're older."

"Where's Uncle Joker's data pad?"

"Everything except that." Garrus smiled ruefully, sharp as a blade, this one. She could make a living on Illium drafting contracts if she ever tired of the Normandy, or maybe as a diplomat.

"Oh." She seemed to dismiss that as a perfectly reasonable response and Garrus blew a sigh of relief. Saved.

She took off running before he had even opened his eyes; she bolted through the door, footsteps echoing unnaturally loud in the corridor as she made for the restrooms. Garrus flew after her, praying no one heard and decided to investigate.

Curiously enough, the hardest challenge had een in convincing her to enter the men's room; Beni insisted she wasn't a boy, and shouldn't be going in, but there was no way he was going to waltz into the woman's restroom and take the chance of running into Miranda at the mirror. Finally, he had pointed out that she wasn't exactly a girl either so surely it didn't matter? Beni considered that for a moment before nodding, and Garrus blessed Liara's propensity to lecture on inter-species differentiation.

He scrubbed half-heartedly at his markings, watching as Beni rubbed roughly at her make-shift attempts. It wasn't coming off; why wasn't it coming off? Why couldn't Miranda settle for second best every once in a while? The door hissed open and Beni ducked under the sink, clapping a hand to her mouth as Garrus froze in the act of cleaning his face.

Engineer Donnelly eyed him quizzically, taking in the moisture on his face and the running tap-water, "You alright, Garrus?"

Garrus debated furiously within himself for a moment, but it wasn't Joker and he could use some help. "No. Not really. Beni, you can come out."

Beni crawled from under the sink, smiling tentatively at Donnelly, who jumped back a few paces in surprise. "What the he-. What're you doing here, kiddo?" Donnelly shook his head, "Never mind. I can tell."

He reached out and Beni scampered to him, opening her arms in a gesture she had quickly taught them meant "Up!". Donnelly scooped her up, licking his thumb and scrubbing at the lipstick industriously. "We'll have this off ya in no time, love."

Beni pulled back, wrinkling her nose disgustedly, "Ew. Spit."

Donnelly chuckled, "You really should've thought of that before you went dabbling with her majesty's supplies, eh?"

Garrus looked on in mingled relief and jealousy. It was that easy; no questions, no debate, just a murmured protest followed by perfect acquiescence. What's worse, the gunk looked to be coming off. Wasn't that just a little embarrassing.

Garrus smiled gratefully as Donnelly passed her back to his arms, "Now, you're in the wrong one. Next one over is the little girls room." Donnelly gestured to Beni, but he held his gaze with Garrus, a mischievous grin on his face. Garrus growled softly, but Beni beat him to the punch. " 'm not a girl; asaris are mono-gender."

Donnelly put his hands up in a gesture of surrender, "I bow to your superior experience. But in any case, I think it's best the two of you get back to whatever you're doing."

"We're looking for Uncle Joker's data pad." Garrus froze, choking softly. Now everything was going to back-fire. Donnelly and Joker were tight, no way they'd plot against each other.

"That so? I think I can help."

This whole ship was nothing more than a flying madhouse. He'd long since suspected it, now it was confirmed.

Supper that night was a rambunctious affair, Beni had decided that mashed potatoes were good for sculpting into likenesses of battle-ships and Miranda arrived late, complaining about her missing make-up; it was probably his guilty conscience that made him think she was glaring at him when she announced to the table that they had to make an emergency landing so she could replenish her supply. Shepard cut in to rib her, and Garrus heaved a sigh of relief.

Joker was nowhere to be found, but Liara had mentioned something about his personal data pad being missing and her inability to locate it.

Garrus winked at Beni, remarking that Joker really needed to keep a better eye on his things and Beni's face scrunched up in her attempt at a wink.

Liara saw the exchange; very little missed her eyes these days, but she settled back quietly, nestling into Shepard's side. Joker could go a few days without his data-pad; maybe she would find it later and present it to him cleared of any objectionable material; probably most of it.

Liara smiled at Garrus over her drink; she had a feeling she knew precisely where to look, someone's nursery had more than one likely hiding spot.