"Brownies. Now. No questions."
Augria Sinstra looked up from the star charts she was marking in time to see Rolanda hurl herself onto the couch beside Septima Vector.
"Bad day?"
Rolanda snorted.
"All right then…"
Augria laid down her quill and moved closer as Septima summoned a plate of brownies. Rolanda immediately stuffed several in her mouth.
"What happened, Ro?" prompted Septima gently. Augria nodded enthusiastically, her mouth also full of brownie.
"Ask her." Muttered Rolanda sullenly, spraying her friends with bits of chocolate. "I'll bet she knows all about it."
They turned to look at the newly arrived Minerva who crossed her arms and made an impatient sort of noise.
"There's no need to be dramatic, Rolanda. Albus merely requested that you—"
"Requested? More like ordered!"
"Well, he is the headmaster."
Rolanda glared.
"What happened?" yelped Augria, surprising herself as well as the others. "You know I can't take suspense! Just tell us already!"
"Yes, before she hurts herself, please."
"You know that business with Paul?"
"Who?"
"The squid, Sep. Pay attention."
Vector regarded Sinstra incredulously. "Seriously Augria? You're telling me to pay attention? I had to wake you up twice at the last staff meeting and yesterday when Binns tried to start a conversation you fell asleep in your potatoes!"
"No comment." Augria crossed her arms huffily. "Except for as astronomy professor my hours differ somewhat from yours. And listening to Binns is like my own personal lullaby, you know that. Also, I'm an insomniac and therefore cannot be held responsible for where and when I crash. But other than that, no comment."
"Yes, well, back to me…" Rolanda began, "Remember what Dumbledore said? About needing to find a mate for Paul?"
"YOU'RE GOING TO BE PAUL'S MATE?!?!"
"What have you been drinking? Of course not!"
Augria looked slightly abashed. Rolanda rolled her eyes. "Apparently, I'm a prime candidate for squid matchmaking."
"Ah."
"Oh dear."
"It could be worse, you know," said Minerva.
"How, Min? How could it possibly be worse? Oh! I know! I could be stuck doing it with the man I absolutely detest with every fiber of my being and who, in his words, 'would rather take a quill to his eyeballs than have to spend more than ten minutes alone with me." She paused, mock-thoughtfully. "Oh wait! That's already happened, hasn't it?"
"HE STUCK YOU WITH SNAPE?!"
"Oh Gods. You poor, poor thing. We're going to need something stronger than these brownies, aren't we? By the way, Augria, they are delicious."
Augria brushed away the compliment, her eyes still trained on the sulking flying instructor. "It's my cousin Molly's recipe. But I'm afraid you're right. We just might have to steal some of Sybill's sherry. "
Minerva winced. "I did try to talk Albus out of it. And don't call me Min."
Rolanda scowled. "I know, I know…it's just…GAH!" She lunged forward to steal a brownie from Septima. "I mean, why did he have to pick Snape, of all people? Did I do something wrong in a past life?"
"He says that you two need to work on getting over your animosity towards each other."
"But why?" whined Rolanda. "A little healthy loathing never hurt any one…"
"Be thankful it was only this," said Minerva darkly, "I have it on good authority he was contemplating a temporary binding charm." She reached for the last brownie. "That or the classic 'lock them in Filch's broom closet' scheme. Honestly, I know he's a genius, but sometimes I worry about that man."
Septima and Augria laughed appreciatively. Rolanda even managed to crack a smile.
Encouraged, Septima shifted on the couch. "Come on, Ro; tell us exactly what you'll have to do. I'm sure it's not nearly as bad a situation as it seems."
Rolanda arched an eyebrow.
Augria arched one of her own, mockingly. "Tell us everything right now, young lady. Start to finish, soup to nuts. And even if it's terribly, awfully horrible, at least we can still make fun of Snape."
"It's not exactly a challenge… Stupid, sardonic, abnormal, evil bat-like, spawn of dementor, greasy git."
"He's a complete asshole!" Augria chimed in helpfully, "The potions master from hell! Large-nosed prat!"
She looked at Septima expectantly.
"Uh…meaniehead?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Wait!" said Septima hurriedly, "I can do better than that!"
"I should hope so," said Minerva incredulously. Rolanda choked back a laugh.
"Umm…what about, uh, butthead?"
Augria looked rather disgusted. "Are you six? Seriously, I feel almost ashamed to call you a fellow Ravenclaw."
Minerva shook her head. "How is it you've never picked up any fowl language from the students?"
"I don't really pay attention outside of my classes."
"That would do it."
Rolanda sighed. "Do I have to do everything around here?"
McGonagall chuckled and sat back in her seat, ready to watch the show.
"Ok, Septima. Repeat after me. Snape is a completely."
"Severus is a completely."
"No, Sep, use his last name. It sounds harsher that way."
"Fine. Snape is a completely"
"Moronic"
"Moronic"
"Jerk-faced"
"Jerk-faced"
"Arsehole"
"A-arsehole"
"Bastard"
"…"
"Say it."
Rolanda looked so fierce Septima had no choice but to obey. She sighed. "Ok, but only because you're in a delicate disposition right now and I love you…bastard."
"Once more with feeling."
Vector rolled her eyes. "Bastard."
Minerva laughed at the look of distaste on her friend's face as Augria positively roared beside her, "That's the spirit."
Severus Snape was livid.
No, scratch that—he was worse than livid. He was practically apoplectic with rage.
Dumbledore, however, seemed supremely unaffected by it. He didn't even look up from his every-flavour beans as Snape raged around his office. "Really, Severus, don't you think you're over-reacting just a tad?"
"I think not!" he spat, gesticulating wildly. "I'm a potions master, damnit! Not some…some… squid pimp!"
"Squid pimp? That's quite creative."
"It's not funny, Albus!"
"Hmm? Oh no, of course not. I agree completely. Now, do you think this is paprika or genetically modified strawberry?"
"…What?"
"Genetically modified strawberry." Dumbledore held the two reddish beans up to better examine them. "They've added new muggle flavours, it's quite intriguing. But never mind that, you were saying something?"
"This is an outrage! You expect me to give up my precious time? And for what? To change the course of nature?"
"Severus," said Dumbledore, at last giving Snape his utmost attention, "You know how important this is. We have an obligation, not only as patrons of Hogwarts, but as sentient beings, to stop this."
Severus snorted. Dumbledore frowned. Snape sighed angrily.
"Fine."
Dumbledore beamed. "Wonderful! I knew you'd come around. So, do I have your word then?"
Snape sighed again. "Yes."
"Good. You and Rolanda will depart—"
"HOOCH?!"
"Pardon?"
"You never said anything about working with her! You manipulative old codger!"
"There you go again, Severus. Always with the over-reacting. She's not nearly as bad as you think."
"She tried to murder me with a spoon!"
"Yes, well, only once, and you were quite mean about her hair. It was only a little cut anyway, no harm done." Dumbledore raised his hands to stop Snape's retort. "I don't want to hear excuses. This is exactly why I chose you two; I won't have my staff members setting such a bad example for the students."
"Oh," began Snape, his voice positively sagging with sarcasm, "because the fact that every other word our Care of Magical Creatures teacher says is some sort of dirty pun or sexual innuendo and that our Divination professor is a compulsive drinker won't mess them up nearly as bad as some petty arguing?"
"Exactly."
"I'm leaving."
"You gave me your word Severus," Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling infuriatingly as Snape stalked towards the door. "I expect you to be in the Entrance Hall at ten o'clock sharp tomorrow morning."
Snape grunted.
"Splendid."
The weather was entirely too nice for Rolanda's liking. Really, why couldn't it reflect her anger or something like it always did for the main characters in books? What ever happened to crashing thunder and driving rain?
It wasn't until she reached the Entrance Hall that she realized why.
Albus Dumbledore stood, positively beaming, at the bottom of the staircase as she marched down the steps. As she drew closer she couldn't help but notice, somewhat pessimistically, that his eyes were the exact blue of the sky outdoors and that his smile was so bright it put the sun to shame. Apparently, she wasn't even the protagonist in her own life. Pathetic.
Her scowl deepened as Snape emerged for the entrance to the dungeons. She didn't think she had ever detested someone nearly as much as she did him at the moment. And judging by the sneer he wore, the feeling was mutual.
Dumbledore clapped his hands together excitedly. "Ah, Severus, there you are! I was beginning to think you weren't going to come."
"I gave you my word, headmaster." Snape replied through gritted teeth.
"That you did, my boy."
Rolanda could actually hear Snape grinding his teeth. She vaguely wondered if that was healthy.
"And now to business," said Dumbledore. "I have procured the name of several people who happen to be in the squid breeding trade."
He handed a list to Rolanda who immediately had it ripped out of her hands by Snape and then preceded to snatch it back.
"Like adults, if you please."
"Sorry. She started it."
"Yeah, sorry Dumbledore, I just –Hey! I did not!"
"Did to. I'm afraid our dear flying instructor may be hallucinating again, headmaster. Perhaps I should just go alone?"
"And get the satisfaction of discrediting me? Like hell you will!"
Dumbledore smiled. "Well, there's that settled. By the way," he continued pleasantly as Snape and Rolanda glared daggers at each other. "I'd try Jacques first. The others are somewhat…less reputable, as it were. Now off you go, no time to waste."
Snape sneered, turned abruptly, and swooped from the Entrance Hall in one fluid motion. Rolanda stayed only long enough to grimace and bid Dumbledore good-bye before hurrying after him, muttering insults under her breath as she went.
Albus was standing at the large window on the second floor moments later when Minerva found him.
"So they're gone?" she asked by way of greeting.
"Dumbledore laughed slightly and pointed out the window. "They haven't even made it to the gates yet, my dear. From what I can see, they keep arguing about who gets to keep the instructions."
Minerva smiled and shook her head amused. "Typical."
They stood watching the minuscule figures make their way across the sweeping lawn.
"I do hope they don't hurt each other too badly. A one armed flying instructor or a blind potions master might prove quite challenging."
"Personally, I think you're being rather optimistic. You'll be lucky if they both make it home alive."
"It's best not to joke about these things, Minerva. Although, I am quite sure they wouldn't—"
"Albus?" Minerva interrupted sharply, as Rolanda and Severus finally reached the apparation point. "Why are they still in their robes? Surely you told them Jacques is a muggle?"
"Oh dear."
Minerva sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "How exactly did you forget something as pivotal as that?"
"Uh, would you believe old age?"
Minerva snorted. "You realize you're going to have to explain this to the ministry when the inquire about why two Hogwarts professors have single-handedly destroyed the statue of secrecy. The prophet will have a field day. I can see the headlines now" she added, smiling slightly, "Deadbeat Dumbledore causes crisis, Minerva McGonagall named Hogwarts Headmistress."
"I knew you were plotting against me! Its all a scheme for the castle, isn't it?" cried Dumbledore, mock indignantly. "Although," Albus ginned slyly, "You do know it's the Deputy Head's job to deal with inquiries and the press." He laughed at the look on his friend's face. "Oh, I can see the headlines now: Deputy headmistress' head finally explodes do to stress overload!"
Together the pair turned and walked away from the window, still bantering.
Exactly three seconds later Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington emerged from his resting place behind a nearby tapestry, slightly worried over the mental state of the headmaster and his deputy. He then proceeded to zoom straight down through two floors and three startled first years to the corridor where he knew the Fat Friar was and told him everything.
By morning the whole castle would know.
A/N: Sorry it took so long. Forgive me? I hope you liked it and want to read more despite my less-than-punctual updates. Leave a review! Really, tell me what you like, what could be done better, whatever you want. Seriously, you could even just review to tell me what your favourite line is, I'm not picky. Thanks as always to Molly. And thanks to all the reviewers too. (Hint hint, nudge nudge) - Sloane