Chapter Eight
Nuclear War
Ginny was watching the portrait hole eagerly, waiting for her friends to come back after the latest rendezvous with Snape. At last, Ron walked in—alone.
Ginny frowned as her brother approached. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Where's Hermione? And Harry?"
Ron cringed. "Uh, we had a slight problem." He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Grab some clothes of hers as discreetly as you can and meet us in the Room of Requirement."
Less than ten minutes later, Ginny arrived, carrying a change of clothes. Hermione was absolutely livid; she was pacing around in Harry's robe, which was so large on Hermione that the shoulders slipped down and made it obvious that Hermione was wearing no shirt beneath it.
"Uh-oh," Ginny said, wincing. "What happened?"
"Malfoy must've got her as she was leaving Snape's," Ron explained.
"Gee, do you think?" Hermione snarled. "I can't believe I didn't notice. I could have been seen by anyone in the school… by everyone in the school—"
"What did he do?" Ginny asked.
Hermione opened Harry's robe in front, revealing the bra and thong she'd put on Malfoy. "It's an illusion spell," Hermione growled. "It lasts for about three hours."
"Well, at least your clothes will come back," Ron said.
"And your wand," Harry added. All four of them had gotten special arm cuffs during the last Hogsmeade weekend; the cuff sent their wand shooting into their hand with a flick of their wrist, and had protective spells built in so that the wand could not be damaged in any way or removed by anyone other than the owner. Hermione's arm cuff had also been affected by Malfoy's spell. "Look on the bright side—at least you made him puke."
Hermione sighed as she closed up the robe. "Well, I guess it's the Forbidden Forest for Malfoy," Hermione said grimly.
"Of course it is," Ginny said soothingly, handing over the outfit she'd brought to Hermione. "We'll take him real deep in, too."
"Can we put him near Aragog?" Ron asked hopefully. "I'd love it if Malfoy was eaten by a giant spider." Harry and Ginny laughed.
Hermione's mouth twitched until she finally let herself giggle. "A small part of me says no," she said. "The rest of me says 'hell yeah!'"
"The small part of you is an idiot," Ginny said firmly.
"The small part of me is my logical part, actually," Hermione said as she slipped on the extra clothes and the three of them headed back toward the common room. "It says that Malfoy will retaliate with something major if we do something like that."
"Malfoy will retaliate no matter what we do," Harry pointed out.
Hermione nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know. I just… well. Part of me knows that the further I take this, the more likely it is I'll eventually end up in Azkaban for strangling him."
"Don't be ridiculous," Ron said. "You'd never be put in Azkaban. You'd be commended."
"And even if they tried to take you away, we'd help you escape," Ginny said brightly.
"Of course. But then, if you started strangling Malfoy, the rest of us would probably join in," Harry said. "I mean, if one of us gets to kill him, we all do. So we'd have to go on the run with you."
Hermione laughed. "Well, you better ask Sirius for tips on hiding from dementors, then," she said. "Because I'm going to make him suffer."
The school was in total chaos.
Most of the time, the prank war was not incredibly large. This time, however, it had gone nuclear, as there was increased tension between Slytherin and the rest of the houses. This was mostly because of the war against Voldemort and Harry's presence at Hogwarts; many Slytherins had lost parents to death or imprisonment in the final battles between Voldemort and the Order of the Phoenix, and many students, from every house, had lost relatives to Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Then, too, there was the fact that, thanks to the large and elaborate pranks that had already happened, far more people wanted in on the fun… the fun that sent dozens of people to the hospital wing each day. Almost every class that Snape, McGonagall, or Flitwick taught was interrupted by someone coming in requesting an antidote or counter curse, as per the teacher's specialty. Few students in seventh year—and almost as few in some of the years below—didn't find themselves disfigured, discolored, covered in slime, or otherwise victimized by a prank.
In between the major league pranks, minor practical jokes were frequent and annoying. In the same day, Harry sprouted a tail; Ron somehow ended up with a butt so large he couldn't walk; Ginny was turned Slytherin green and silver; and Hermione was hit with a charm that made her hair frizz out into an afro extending four feet from her head. All over Hogwarts, classes were missed, detention was given, and the house points were dropping at an alarming rate.
After Malfoy's illusion spell on her clothes wore off, Hermione eventually calmed down enough to realize that the Forbidden Forest was, in fact, their best idea. So they decided to save it for a good, long while.
Instead of waking up in the Forbidden Forest, Malfoy—and Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson for good measure—woke up levitating over the lake, their clothes and entire bodies painted with red and gold stripes, where they screamed hysterically at the sight of the amused giant squid poking at them from below with its tentacles. It was obviously a Gryffindor prank—and it was beyond obvious that Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny had done it—and in years past, the Slytherin Head of House would have given them detentions and docked points as punishment.
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny received quite a few souvenir pictures from other students and twenty points to Gryffindor from McGonagall.
Malfoy's response wasn't bad, compared to some of the other pranks. The backs of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny's clothing were hit by a Vanishing Spell, which unfortunately meant that the front of their clothing didn't want to stay up. They were all forced to wrap the front of their robes around them like they would towels after a shower and seek out Professor Flitwick, who had to stop a second-year Charms class to restore their clothes.
The four Gryffindors had to get Snape's help to retaliate; they transfigured a pair of water goblets into two male chimpanzees, then Stunned them to keep them quiet as Snape went into the Slytherin dormitory and put one in the seventh year girls' bedroom and one in the boys. When the seventh year Slytherins discovered the chimps, they were immediately hit with large amounts of chimp feces, and no small amount of jokes were made in the days following about the fact that one chimp had tried to hump both Pansy and Millicent Bulstrode. The cleaning of the Slytherin dormitory took hours and Malfoy was treated for a nasty bite on one arm.
Malfoy's revenge was sure to include nothing less than pure, undiluted horror; the idea that Malfoy would use a repeated phrase spell was laughable. Therefore, no one expected it.
One week after the chimp incident, Hermione was sitting in the Great Hall for dinner next to Harry and across from Ron; surrounding them were their fellow Gryffindor seventh-year students and a few girls in Ginny's year. Hermione turned to Harry and said, "Pass the salt, Harry," just after Malfoy, seeing her about to speak to Harry, hit her with the spell.
So everyone but Hermione heard "Do you want to want to have sex in the library?"
Dean, Seamus, Lavender, Parvati, Neville and Ginny's roommates, the only ones sitting close enough to hear, stopped what they were doing and stared at her in shock as Ron's neck and ears went red.
"Um… wha… what?" Harry choked out.
"Pass the salt, Harry," Hermione repeated, not noticing or hearing anything strange.
"Do you want to have sex in the library?" was what Harry, Ron, and the others heard.
"Er… Hermione…"
"Would you stop staring at me like that and hand me the damn salt?" Hermione said, exasperated.
"Do you want to have sex in the library!" Hermione demanded. Harry swallowed and looked at Ron; now she sounded annoyed that Harry wasn't giving her an answer. Ron looked ready to explode with fury.
"Why, hello, Granger," Malfoy said, having come over to stand behind her, smirking down at her. "Feeling all right?"
"Go away, Malfoy," Hermione said coldly, narrowing her eyes at him. To Harry and Ron, her expression made it seem like she was looking at Malfoy appraisingly before asking him to have sex.
"Maybe some other time, Granger," Malfoy said, laughing.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Ron bellowed at Hermione, so suddenly that everyone in the vicinity jumped.
"What's wrong with you, Ron?" Hermione said in confusion, wondering why he was angry that she'd told Malfoy to go away. To everyone watching, it looked as though Hermione had propositioned Ron uncertainly, as if she was sure he wouldn't want to, at least not as much as Harry or Malfoy would. Harry took one look at Malfoy's face and understood.
"It's a repeated phrase spell, Ron, Malfoy must have hit her with it," Harry hissed quietly, not wanting anyone to overhear; hopefully he and Ron could get Hermione to the hospital wing before anyone figured out what Malfoy had done.
Hermione didn't catch everything Harry said; all she could hear was "Malfoy must have hit her with it" and, assuming Malfoy had pulled some prank on her that she couldn't see yet, she stood up and glared at Malfoy angrily.
"I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS, MALFOY!" she screamed, fed up with his antics.
Clangs and loud clattering noises sounded throughout the hall as goblets and silverware were dropped; people froze in mid-bite or with food or drink halfway to their mouths.
Hermione stopped just before drawing her wand, wondering why there was complete and utter silence in the Great Hall. No one was moving. At the staff table, the teachers were too shocked to react. Harry winced and put his face in his hands. Ron was utterly mortified and looked ready to faint.
Hermione had just—loudly—asked Malfoy to have sex.
"We'll get you for this, Malfoy!" Harry snarled, finally regaining his senses and jumping to his feet, grabbing Hermione's arm.
"What are you mad at me for, Potter?" Malfoy retorted, smirking. "Granger's the one who wants to have sex, not me." Hermione's jaw dropped, unable to believe what he had just suggested, oblivious about what she had said. "Although, now that I think about it…" Malfoy went on, grinning at the furious Ron.
"Hermione, come on, we'll get you to the hospital wing," Harry said; he had half a mind to curse Malfoy into oblivion, and probably would have, teachers' presence be damned, but he knew that he had to get Ron out of there, fast. Seeing Hermione about to protest, he clamped a hand over her mouth and half-dragged her out of the hall, Ron following quickly.
"I knew books weren't the only reason she spent so much time in the library!" Malfoy called after them, cackling madly as he went back to his seat.
Hermione kept trying to talk through Harry's hand as he pulled her out of the hall and up the stairs. "Hermione, listen, you've been hit with a repeated phrase spell," Harry told her. "Don't talk, okay? Someone might hear." Hermione nodded and Harry released her. She followed him to the hospital wing in silence, wondering what she'd been repeating, and for how long.
"Oh, dear, what happened to you lot now?" Madam Pomfrey said irritably. Harry, Ron and Hermione had visited the hospital wing so much over the years that Pomfrey was starting to feel as if the infirmary was their real dormitory, and with the prank war she'd been seeing them even more.
Hermione opened her mouth without thinking. "Malfoy cast a repeated—"
Madam Pomfrey's eyes widened at Hermione's words. "Well, Miss Granger, either there's something I don't know about you, or you've been hit with a speech repetition charm."
"I think it's been altered," Harry said. "She doesn't know what she's saying."
"Obviously not, or she wouldn't continue to speak," Madam Pomfrey said dryly.
"What am I saying, Harry?" Hermione said worriedly, but of course, all Harry heard was another plea for sex.
"Lay down over there, Granger, I've got to go talk to Professor Dumbledore," Madam Pomfrey said wearily. "He might have an idea of what happened to the spell."
Hermione sighed and lay down on a hospital cot, Harry and Ron sitting on either side of her, carefully avoiding each other's eyes; now that the public humiliation part was over, it was all starting to seem slightly funny.
"Don't you two dare start laughing," Hermione snapped dangerously.
Both of them let out little snorts of laughter at how angry a proposition to have sex in the library could sound, but they managed to hold the majority of their mirth in.