Chapter Twenty-five
The Banishment of Dorwilaron the Dairy Demon
"Hold still!"
"Shut up, Granger."
"If you don't hold still, I'm going to poke you in the eye with the quill."
"If you get that thing anywhere near my eye, I'll—OW!"
"Oops," Hermione said innocently.
Hermione sighed and pulled the quill back from Draco's face. Shortly after Snape had drawn Ron into the room (and the twins had invited themselves along), Snape had unearthed an old book that he'd gotten the banishing ritual from, which informed them that they'd need to brew a potion, draw magical symbols on Draco in certain colors of ink, and place a necklace of garlic bulbs around Draco's neck before starting a simple chant and process that would destroy the Cheese Spirit. Snape had given the twins the task of brewing the potion (they were rather good at potion brewing, given their skills with inventing joke shop merchandise, even though Snape would never admit their talent), and had gotten out the necessary ingredients before forcing Ron to make a list of anything that they might still need for the ritual while helping Harry and Hermione begin the process of drawing symbols. Needless to say, no one was very happy.
"You did that on purpose!" Draco yelled, squinting one eye closed in pain.
"Gee, do you think?" Ron said, rolling his eyes but unable to suppress a grin.
Currently, Snape had told them all to stay put and left to go get some colored ink from Professor Vector, as they only had black in the classroom, and naturally the twins had left to go to the kitchen to grab some food, using the fact that someone needed to ask Dobby to make them a garlic-bulb necklace for Draco as their excuse. Meanwhile, Ron looked up some of the book's more interesting spells and Harry held Draco still (which involved pinning his arms behind his back) while Hermione drew the rune of Elhaz, inverted and inside a circle, on each of Draco's cheeks. Or tried to, anyway. Not only was the chain making things difficult, but Draco was not, by nature, a cooperative person.
"If you don't hold still, this isn't going to work," Hermione snapped.
"So? Snape can just lock the Cheese Spirit in a trunk or something."
"Why don't we lock it in yours?" Harry muttered.
"Good idea. That way I can let it out while you sleep."
"Oh, shut up, Malfoy," Hermione said in exasperation.
Just then, the twins reappeared, dumping a load of food on a table. "There you go, ickle Ronnie poo," Fred teased, patting his brother's head while Ron glared.
"Yes, we know 'ow cwanky 'ou get when 'ou get hungwy," George added with a smirk.
"Isn't it time for you two to go home?" Ron growled, picking up an éclair and biting into it.
"We can't abandon our friends and family in their time of need!" Fred exclaimed, feigning shock. "We would never… oh, shit, is the potion still simmering?" He and George rushed over to the cauldron in which they were brewing the ritual's potion.
"Please don't screw that up," Hermione said wearily. "I want this over with."
"Yeah, I have Quidditch prac—OW!"
"Stop talking, Malfoy! You're messing me up!" For the sixteenth time, Hermione erased the screwed-up design with a quick spell and started over.
"I'm going to really mess you up in a minute," Draco growled. Of all of them, he was the most annoyed, but then that was to be expected; it isn't easy to allow your mortal enemy to draw on you while anticipating chants and necklaces of garlic.
"Why are you drawing a peace sign on Malfoy?" George asked Hermione.
"It's the inverted rune of Elhaz in a circle," she explained absently.
"The peace sign is an inverted rune in a circle?" George repeated.
"No… yes… oh, shut up and brew the potion," Hermione moaned, as Malfoy moved once again, causing her to ruin the design. "Harry, this isn't working!"
"I know," Harry sighed. Then he brightened. "I have an idea—let's shove him against the wall to pin his arms, and then I can hold his head still!"
"WHAT?"
"That's a great idea, Harry!"
"Don't even think about—OOF!"
The next thing Draco knew, he was pinned against the stone wall, Harry's elbow in his gut and Harry's free hand attempting to hold Draco's head still. Draco was having none of it, however.
"This is ridiculous!" Draco roared as he jerked his head around as hard as possible to avoid Hermione's quill, which wasn't easy with Harry's hand on his head. "Let's just throw it in the fire! It'll work! There's no need to do all this stupid crap!"
"I say we Stun him," Harry said as he struggled against Draco.
"We'd have to do it over and over again, and repeated Stunning within a short period of time can cause lasting damage," Hermione said sadly.
"So?" Harry replied bluntly.
"So I'm saving that idea until he's no longer chained to my wrist," Hermione replied. "He's annoying enough without further brain damage."
For the next few moments, the three Weasleys watched in amusement as Harry and Draco had a miniature war and Hermione accidentally made little black dots all over Draco's face by jabbing him with the quill (well, "accidentally" might be the wrong word). At last, Hermione pulled back, exasperated.
"We've GOT to find a way to restrain him better!" she told Harry.
"The Binding Curse?"
"Wears off too fast."
"The Full Body-Bind?"
"So does that, and he wouldn't be maneuverable."
"…Well, that settles it. Help me wrestle him to the ground."
After much screaming from Draco and laughing from the twins, Ron, and occasionally Harry and Hermione, Draco lay on the floor, his arms pinned down by Hermione's legs as she sat on his chest and his legs held still by Harry, who was sitting on them calmly while eating some of the food the twins had brought.
"This is the only way to deal with Malfoy," Harry said as he reached for another Cauldron Cake.
"I swear, Potter, I'll get you for—OW! Damn it, Granger!"
"It slipped!" she insisted in the same innocent tone she used to defend herself every time the quill stabbed him painfully. "Now, hold STILL." With her left hand, Hermione forced his head to the side and began to draw with the right. Draco went limp, finally admitting to himself that it had to be done and would be over faster if he gave up the fight.
Within about thirty seconds, Hermione had drawn the rune Elhaz on each of his cheek, upside down within a circle (which truly did look exactly like a peace sign). "Okay," she said, brushing her hair out of her face. She swallowed and addressed Ron without looking at him; Ron was still mad at her, and would only speak to her when absolutely necessary, and even then he used a frosty tone. "What's next?"
Ron skimmed over the page. "'Draw the rune Dagaz on the castor's forehead, using black ink,'" he recited coldly.
Hermione giggled. "Dagaz?"
"The one that looks like a bow?" Fred asked incredulously, grinning his head off.
"What?" Draco yelped.
Hermione firmly placed her palm on his forehead to hold him still and drew Dagaz with relish. "Hee hee, it really does look like a bow," she said, poking Draco in the temple with the quill for the fun of it.
"I'll get you for this," Draco growled.
"'On the left side of Dagaz, draw Ehwaz, and on the other, Mannaz,'" Ron told Hermione.
"What do they look like?" Harry asked eagerly.
"Like the letter M, basically," Hermione said. "They're only slightly different. Um… left as in my left or Malfoy's left?"
"Er… Malfoy's left, I guess."
"But what if they mean Hermione's left?" Harry said.
"How about Dagaz's left?"
"Dagaz has a left? How do you know which side is its left?"
"Yeah, you can't tell if it's facing towards Malfoy or away from Malfoy…"
"Yeah, it's symmetrical."
"I'm sure it doesn't matter."
"Well, if it does matter, it could be a big deal, couldn't it?"
"Well, Ehwaz is the female rune and Mannaz is the male, so given the traditional association of the male with the right and the female with the left—"
"Doesn't help us if we don't know where left is."
"Haha, you're drawing a female rune on him?"
"If your conversation is going to be even more boring, could you scoot back a little, Granger? I can't see down your shirt prope—OW!"
"If you ever say anything like that again, I'm going to put this quill through your brain!"
Everyone laughed (save Draco). "Nah, that wouldn't work, Mione," Fred said. "His head's too thick."
"Then I'll use something sharper," she growled.
"Why wait for provocation?" George said.
"Good point," Hermione said thoughtfully, and glanced around the room, as if hoping someone had left a sword lying around. Apparently no one had brought a sword to class, however; the most weapon-like instruments were quills left by the students who'd fled. She sighed, then smiled slightly. For just a moment, things had been back to normal. Ron had smiled and laughed at her threat, and it had been Gryffindors against Malfoy, just like before…
She forced thoughts of her row with Ron away and looked back at Draco critically. "Well," she said, "Ehwaz and Mannaz are both really similar, so I'll just draw as much of them as I can without knowing what they mean by left and ask Snape what goes where when he gets back."
When Hermione had completed her drawings, she leaned back again to gaze at them critically. "Good thing I never dropped Ancient Runes," she remarked.
"Could you get off me now?" Draco said listlessly.
"No," Hermione said reluctantly. "I'm not dragging you to the floor again, and we're just going to have to draw on you some more."
Draco sighed. "So I'll hold still." Hermione snorted in response and Draco rolled his eyes.
Just then, the fireplace flared green again and Snape appeared, carrying a box. "Ah," he said, nodding at Harry, Hermione and Draco, "you've started the drawing already. Good idea, letting him lay down; holding still while my friends drew on me was quite tiresome."
Draco glared at him and the Gryffindors tried to suppress their laughter. "So, you really did this yourself?" Fred asked. Unlike the others, Fred and George were taking Snape's bizarre new attitude in stride. Not only had they just won a hell of a lot of money off Lee Jordan for how long it would take Snape to crack, but they were masters of weird.
"Yes," Snape said, smiling slightly. "It was rather funny, looking back."
"Did Professor Vector have the ink, Professor?" Hermione asked.
Snape nodded. "Yes, though explaining why I needed it took some work. Well, here you go, Hermione." He set the box of ink down next to her.
"Which side of Dagaz does Ehwaz go on?" Hermione asked him.
"On Draco's left," Snape said. "At least, that's where we put it on me."
Hermione giggled at the thought of Snape with three runes across his forehead and peace signs on his cheeks and went back to finishing the drawings of the male and female runes.
"Why does she get to draw on Malfoy's face?" Fred said sulkily, nodding at Harry and Hermione as he poured some rosemary oil into the cauldron set up in the middle of the room. "It looks like a lot more fun than this."
"Because the last time I went near a potion, a Cheese Spirit jumped out of it," Hermione said wryly.
"So you're trusting us to do it?" Fred said. He paused and looked up at his twin, confused. George stared back, also startled at the realization that anyone would trust them to do something so important.
"Trust?" Snape repeated. Frowning, Snape promptly hurried over to the cauldron and dismissed the twins worriedly. The twins smirked and sat down to watch the face-painting.
Hermione leaned back again, Ehwaz and Mannaz having been carefully completed. "Well, that's done," she said, looking down at her drawings proudly. "What's next?"
"You need to come up with seven symbols relating to the poem," Snape said absently; he was carefully inspecting the potion.
Everyone just sort of stared blankly. "You mean, like, if he said something about love, we'd draw a heart or something?" Hermione said, wrinkling her nose.
"Yes."
Hermione frowned. "How did the poem go again, Malfoy?"
"I am never saying it again, thank you."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "We NEED seven symbols. What all was in it?"
Draco gritted his teeth. He didn't want to mention the poem again, ever, but if he kept quiet, he'd never get Hermione off his chest and she'd probably jab him with the quill again. "All sorts of stuff," he said grudgingly. "I barely remember it. Wine… fire… the sea… Girly shit like that."
"That's only three, I need more." Hermione's mouth twitched with amusement, while the guys laughed outright.
"Honey," Draco growled. "Er… cheese. Love—" the bitter taste filled his mouth again, "and bunnies. That's seven."
Hermione joined in the guys' laughter. "Where do the symbols go, Professor?" she asked.
"On his chest," Snape told her. "Have him take off his shirt."
"Wait, his chest?" Hermione interrupted.
"Yes, and—"
"I am NOT drawing on his chest!"
"Yeah, she's NOT drawing on my chest!"
"Harry, you do it!" Hermione begged, turning to look over her shoulder at him.
"He's not drawing on me, either!"
"Yeah, I'm not drawing on him, either!"
"Please, Harry?"
"Er… how about we all draw straws?"
"How about you two draw straws?" Ron said firmly. "I like that idea better."
"Er… I can't draw!" Harry said quickly.
"I can't draw very well, either!" Hermione insisted.
"But you're a girl. You'd know how to draw hearts and stuff."
Hermione's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What kind of logic is THAT?"
Harry realized he'd said the wrong thing and decided to change the subject. "Fred, George, you wanted to draw on him, right?"
"Forget it, man."
"Yeah, the appeal has passed."
"Ron?" Harry said pleadingly.
"Oh, hell no." Ron smirked.
"I have an idea—how about you all keep the pointy quill AWAY from my chest at all times?"
"I told you, this is necessary, Draco," Snape said, giving him a half-smirk, half-smile.
"I refuse to believe that you actually went through this!" Draco snapped.
"It's in the book, Malfoy," Ron pointed out, his neck and ears red.
"I don't care! Have you MET the Lestrange brothers?"
"Yeah," Harry shot back. "Although we weren't formally introduced. A little too busy trying to kill each other."
"My point is, there's no way in hell they drew a heart on Snape's chest!"
"…It was Avery, actually," Snape admitted. "I recall him being very unhappy about having to draw on me, but he was the only one who could draw worth—"
"I'm NOT letting anyone draw on my chest! I've been through enough today!"
"It serves you right!" Hermione snarled. "And you don't have a choice." She pulled out her wand, knowing that she'd be the only one who would break down and draw on his chest and deciding to just get it over with. "Stupefy!" she yelled, then used the same charm they'd been performing to get their shirts on and off to cut his shirt and robes open. She tossed the scraps aside and sat back down on his stomach, making sure that her knees were sufficiently holding his arms down. Only then did she notice everyone staring at her in surprise. "What?" she demanded, glaring around at them all. They all looked away hurriedly. Innocent whistling came from Harry's direction until he caught himself and stopped.
Draco unfroze a second later. "Why you little—" he shouted, and struggled to sit up.
"Lay down," Hermione snapped, shoving him back down. "I'm not happy about this, either."
"Not happy? Not HAPPY? You let me up or so help me—"
"This HAS to be done, Draco," Snape cut in smoothly. "The Cheese Spirit has to be sent back to its own world."
"What world is that? Cheese Planet? Dairy Land?" Draco tried to sit up again, and Hermione shoved him back down hard enough to crack his head on the floor. Draco glowered up at her the moment his eyes regained the ability to focus, but didn't attempt to get up again. Deciding he'd stick to making comments that he knew would piss her off, he said, "I always figured you were the dominating typ—OW! GRANGER!"
"Oh, I AM sorry," Hermione said in a deadly sort of tone. "Did I just poke you in the eye—again—with this sharp, pointy… sharp, sharp quill I'm holding?" She held it above his face, poised to stab him with it. Draco glared but didn't speak.
Harry let out a snort of suppressed laughter, and Hermione turned towards him with a furious look, still holding the quill. Suddenly, everyone in the room was perfectly straight-faced.
"Now," Hermione growled, "any particular color or order for these symbols?"
"Black ink," Snape said. "I don't recall there being any order—look it up, Weasley."
Ron glanced over the page and shook his head. "Just says to draw them."
"Start making a list of the colors she'll need for the planets and zodiac symbols," Snape told him, then went back to his work, becoming absorbed in the potion process.
"Fine," Ron said reluctantly, and got out a piece of parchment from Harry's bag.
Hermione looked down at Draco's chest, a sour look on her face. Having to draw on his face was one thing; this was quite another. Frowning even harder, Hermione tried her best to ignore what was in front of her—well, technically, underneath her. It was very apparent the sun did not reach any part of him, clothed or not, like there was some sort force field around his person with the words "Thou shalt not color pleasantly!" tacked on it. Still, that didn't keep her eyes from wandering a bit. Damn it, evil Slytherin bastards shouldn't be allowed to look like that! The quill she was holding was in danger of snapping in half from her gripping it, forcing her hands to stay put and not see if his skin was really as smooth as it looked. It's Malfoy, Hermione told herself. If you violate him in a room full of people, THESE PEOPLE, you'd never hear the end of it. It's MALFOY! Hermione shuddered. This was ridiculous. Good-looking or not, he was the biggest asshole she'd ever met, excepting perhaps a few of the Death Eaters and Voldemort himself; Malfoy didn't deserve a second glance, let alone a stare. Besides, it wasn't as if it was the nicest chest she'd ever seen. Oliver's was much nicer. And Viktor wasn't bad either. That put Malfoy third on a list of… three.
Blinking, Hermione bit back a groan of despair when she realized just what she was thinking about. That was it. She absolutely HAD to start researching the chain thoroughly, no matter how suspicious Madam Pince was of them. She'd sneak into the library at three a.m. with Harry's cloak if she had to.
She happened to glance at Draco's face, and saw he was smirking his head off at her discomfort. He raised an eyebrow at her, then yelped when she jabbed him with the quill. Determined not to let Draco see her uneasiness and embarrassment, she put the quill to his skin and started to draw.
The room was completely silent, save for the sound of the quill on Draco's flesh or dipping into the inkwell and the bubbling of the cauldron. All three Weasleys were now poring over the book, and the twins were taking notes (which was quite a disturbing thought). Hermione finally finished the symbols and hurriedly sat back, surveying her handiwork. The fire, wine glass and heart were quite well-done, though the rabbit she'd drawn looked rather like the Easter Bunny on crack. She'd done a honey pot a la Winnie the Pooh for honey, a wedge-shaped hunk of cheese and little waves for the sea, all of which were passable. She couldn't resist smiling and adding the word "hunny" on the pot, giggling at the Muggle reference.
"Hermione, please don't make any sort of happy noise when you're drawing on Malfoy's chest," said Harry, who was sitting with his back to her and couldn't tell what she was doing. "It's a tad too creepy."
"Oh, shut up," she muttered, holding up the quill threateningly when she saw Draco open his mouth to speak. He shut it grudgingly.
As soon as the symbols were done, Hermione climbed off of Draco's chest, feeling quite like she'd just been doing something horribly naughty. Shuddering slightly, Hermione picked up the box of colored ink and avoided Draco's gaze as he sat up and shoved Harry off his legs.
"Help me do his arms, Harry," Hermione said. "It'll go faster."
"Why'd you let him up?" Harry said irritably, rubbing his shoulder where it had hit the floor.
"I can't draw on his arms if I'm kneeling on them," Hermione said in exasperation, figuring that was a much better excuse than "sitting on him is too distracting."
Draco held still, thankfully, while Harry and Hermione each took an arm. Ron was given the task of telling them which symbols were meant to be which color, while the twins sat by and made comments and asked annoying questions like "Why's that one green? That's not a planet symbol, is it? What the hell is Chiron? Isn't that one of Pluto's moons? …An asteroid is not a planet. …Didn't you already draw that one? They look the same. Why does Virgo look so much like Scorpio then? Which one's Aries? Hey, don't make fun of us for being born on April Fool's Day!"
Just when Hermione was beginning to wonder how much trouble she'd get in if she tried to see if a quill would make a good enough javelin to pierce a Weasley's forehead, she put the finishing touches on Pluto and pulled back.
"Finally," she growled. "Are you done yet, Harry?"
Hermione went over to Harry's side of Draco… and discovered that not only did he have three left to do, he'd drawn Gemini sideways, confused Virgo with Scorpio, and done Sagittarius backwards, in addition to all of them being rather shaky. Hermione sighed and held out her hand for his quill.
"I told you I couldn't draw," Harry said apologetically, retreating in relief.
"Okay," Snape said, "the potion just needs another twenty minutes to boil. I'll contact Filius and Minerva to reschedule today's exams for you all…"
"The symbols are done," Hermione said wearily, leaning back and changing the color of three of Harry's drawings that had been readable enough. "Gemini is yellow, Harry, for future reference, and Aries is red, not pink… and Cancer is silver."
"Sorry," Harry said, shrugging. He'd never really cared for astronomy.
While Snape used the Floo network to contact Flitwick, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the twins glanced at the book while Draco stared sadly at his multi-colored skin. "Okay," Hermione said slowly, "it looks like we all just stand in a circle around the Cheese Spirit and Malfoy, and we—"
Hermione was interrupted by a loud cracking noise, and they all jumped and turned to point their wands at the unconscious Cheese Spirit, but the sound turned out to be from a different magical creature.
"Dobby has the necklace!" squeaked the little house elf, holding out a very strong-smelling necklace of garlic bulbs that was longer than Dobby was tall.
Draco let out a growl of frustration, looking down at his decorated skin before grudgingly accepting the necklace with a muttered thanks and throwing it on. Dobby stayed only momentarily, waiting for Snape to come back out of the Floo Network to ask if there was anything else they'd need. Snape declined and went back to the Floo Network to contact McGonagall.
"This is so stupid," Draco grumbled. "He's made this all up; I just know it!"
"Like he made the potion up, eh?" Hermione said, rolling her eyes.
"Shut up, Mudblood," Draco snapped, then instantly realized he'd said the wrong thing as Harry, Hermione and the three Weasleys rounded on him, their wands drawn.
"I've had it with you!" Hermione hissed, raising her wand, but before she could curse him—
"ARGH! THE CHEESE SPIRIT'S AWAKE!" Fred shouted.
"RUN!" Draco yelled, heading for the door, climbing onto a table in his haste to exit. Just as he was about to leap off the other side and make a break for it, he realized that Harry, Hermione, Ron, Fred and George were laughing their heads off.
"Oh, that was great," Hermione said, clutching a chair for support a few feet away from Draco. "Thank you ever so much, Fred." Draco glowered, tempted to go stomp her fingers.
The flames in the fireplace disappeared and Snape tried to stand up, cracking his head on the stone above the grate. He staggered to his feet, clutching his head with one hand, his wand with another. Seeing the Cheese Spirit still lying motionless on the floor and the others laughing at Draco's sour expression, he chuckled. "Kids these days," he muttered in a fond sort of tone. "Well," he called, "let's get a move on, all right? The potion should be just about done… yes, it's already turned green. Come on then!"
Fred and George moved out of the way, sitting down near Snape's desk while Snape directed Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco to stand around the Cheese Spirit in the center aisle. Draco made a few last muttered complaints and then took his place next to Dorwilaron in the middle of the triangle formed by Harry, Ron and Hermione.
Harry took the cauldron and threw some of its contents upon the Cheese Spirit. "Alluette, Mauntrooet," he intoned.
"Jabini, jabini, jabini," Draco recited in a monotonous voice.
Harry tossed a little more of the potion upon Dorwilaron. Suddenly a green wall of smoke surrounded the four of them, swirling about them like living flame. Hermione stared at it with interest before saying her line. "Evil has not beat me yet," she said, her tone laced with excitement.
"Jabini, jabini, jabini," Draco said nervously, wondering if he could make a break for it through the smoke or if it had some sort of magical properties that would contain him. The smoke began to pale, slowly fading from moldy green to white.
Harry sloshed almost all of the remaining potion upon the Cheese Spirit and looked at Ron. "Any spirits who are here," Ron said, sounding as nervous as Draco and edging away from the smoke slightly, even as it turned clear.
"Jabini, jabini, jabini," Draco muttered, squeezing his eyes shut. Harry tossed the remainder of the potion right into Draco's face.
"May you now DISAPPEAR!" all four of them yelled, Draco spitting and coughing the whole time.
A low rumbling noise, like an approaching stampede of bison, began, building louder and louder until it seemed they would all go deaf. Snape suddenly dove behind his desk; Fred and George looked at him, then at each other, and promptly dashed for the door. They were too late, however.
The thunderous noise promptly stopped, and with a loud POP, the Cheese Spirit exploded. Foul-smelling cheese flew in every direction, coating the entire room in hot, sticky, nasty globs of it.
Everyone froze, shocked, cheese dripping off of all of them. Snape peeked out from behind his desk, grinning. "Ha!" he said cheerfully. "Thank god I remembered that part."
"You could have warned us, you know," Hermione told him dryly.
"Well, I… er… remembered at the last second, you see… yeah…"
Everyone turned to glare at him.
"Well," Fred said to George, a large hunk of cheese falling from Fred's hair and landing on the floor with a soft plop, "I think it would be a good idea if we left now."
Author's Notes: I apologize for my absence. Comp went boom, comp finally just got fixed, couldn't remember where I'd saved my HP files. Have now drawn map to "The Prank War" through mass of folders and subfolders. Should be reposting a lot more in recent days.
And, as I said in the original notes, the runes mentioned in this chapter are actual runes, still read today by pagans, psychics and the like. One can view more about runes at Twilight Planet, the link to which is in my home page space on my profile. Just enter the site and click "Divination." Also, some of you might know the runes under different names and/or spellings. That's just something that happens in divination; the runes' names are translated from the original language, so they're bound to be different depending on the source.