Chapter Four
"What do they want from you exactly? Child support?"
She tries not to dwell on her emotions at the moment, she can do that later when she's alone. She changes her focus instead and gets practical. It would be easier if all they wanted was money, even though she knows it doesn't really matter what they want, because Kurt would want to be a part of his son's life nevertheless, now that he knows about him.
"Her sister said Miranda doesn't want anything, she doesn't even want me to know about the kid."
"You should talk to her and maybe ask for a paternity test, just to be sure," she can see him roll his eyes hearing her suggestion, but she can't help reaching for the last shimmer of hope, "Don't tell me suddenly the science doesn't matter to you, Mr. Expert?" the teasing comes naturally, but it doesn't sound or feel like it normally does.
"It does, it does," he sighs and hides his face from her, not that it would make it harder for her to read his mind. She's learnt to think with his head during their marriage perfectly well.
"You know I'd lie if I said I don't want that test to be negative," she admits and Kurt lifts his head again to look at her.
"I know, but …"
"You want it to be positive, you like the idea of having a kid, you should have told me this before we got married," she cannot help being honest. She never thought of him still wanting to be a father in his age, she figured he would have had kids already if he'd wanted to.
"I didn't really think of it, but now that he is here."
"You want to be a part of his life, I understand," she has no idea where all this understanding is coming from, because she pretty much feels hurt inside and cannot help thinking it might have been a mistake to marry someone she barely knew.
"You will always come first," he promises, but she is sure it's a promise he won't be able to keep, no matter what he says now. A child is someone a parent loves unconditionally and if it came to him having to choose between him and her, she has no doubt she'd come out as the loser in the end.
"I'm going to have a bath now," she stands up from the couch they chose as a place for their discussion that she's decided to put an end to for now. She is craving that tub of hot water around her, but mostly to be alone. One thing she thought she had enough of in the last days, but this evening has turned out very differently than she hoped.
"All right, I'll do the dishes and meet you upstairs later," he gives her the privacy he must know she needs easily and she walks to the stairs when something comes to her mind, so she turns back to him.
"Will you call her now?"
"No, tomorrow, I need to sleep on it."
"All right," she nods and she has to admit she likes that he doesn't rush into things.
Maybe there's chance for them to work this out somehow, without her getting hurt too much in the process. She'd like to believe he loves her enough for that, because now that she's found her happiness she doesn't want to let go of it so easily.
o-o-o
Later after the shower she gets into their bed and closes her eyes. When she hears him come inside the room she pretends to sleep. She sort of expects him to call out her name, but he doesn't. She can hear him go into the bathroom instead and she tries hard to actually fall asleep, while he is inside, but she's listening to every noise instead. Hearing the sound of the shower, she finds herself imagining him standing there. She has missed him so much and now that he is there, with only a wall separating them, she isn't even tempted to be close to him.
The pictures of him with the other woman, who is much younger than her, just won't leave her head. She is angry with herself for not being more careful, for not talking to him more about the past. She thought it didn't matter, but she couldn't have been more wrong. She is not prepared for this change in their life, sharing him with someone new, someone he probably already loves more than he's ever loved her, even though he cannot even be a hundred percent sure about his paternity.
She cannot be jealous of an innocent little boy, it's not his fault, he deserves to have a father in his life and she knows Kurt would be a great father to him. But she's scared of what letting the boy and his mother into his life would mean to their marriage. She'd like to think it's strong enough to survive such an interference, but truth is she cannot be sure.
When she hears his steps she closes her eyes again and he comes outside and stops at her side of the bed. She knows he is watching her and she'd love to open her eyes, tell him she's still awake, that she cannot sleep, because she's unable to find her peace. She'd love to tell him she wants him to hold her, to kiss her and make her forget that talk ever happened. But it's too late for that.
The damage is done and she's unable to look at him like she did before and she knows it will take a while for her to get used to the new situation.