Chapter Thirty-six
Hermione's Introductions and Snape's Information
Hermione awoke to find a tree root poking her uncomfortably in the back and something gently scratching her face. Instantly alert, she sat up, recalling the spell she'd been hit with in the corridors and scanning her surroundings. She groaned, realizing where she was—the Forbidden Forest.
She started to check herself over for injuries, and noticed that her shirt and robes weren't visible, though she could still feel them. Illusion spell, she thought grimly, brushing leaves from her face. Thank the gods for spell-resisting charms.
Hermione grabbed at her arm cuff, pleased to note that her wand was still there. Whoever had hit her with the charm in the corridor had hit her before she'd had time to draw her wand; that was now going to work to her advantage.
Who did it, though? Hermione thought, forcing herself to remain calm and concentrate. Absently she glanced at Draco, noticing that he appeared to be wearing only pants and was also covered in leaves, twigs and dirt because of the strong wind. Who would want to strand me here in—?
Hermione didn't finish the thought, glaring down at Draco, her calm quickly dissipating to be replaced by pure fury. Draco. Slytherins were the only people who'd want to hurt her; most everyone in the other houses liked her, at least to some degree, and the ones that didn't either didn't know her, or didn't dislike her enough to do something this horrible to her. So obviously, it had to be a Slytherin prank—but no Slytherin hated Draco. Or, if they did, they knew better than to cross him. While Harry, Ron, Hermione and many other Gryffindors had no fear of Draco Malfoy, a lot of other people did. Draco was the son of Voldemort's right-hand man. He had plenty of exposure to the Dark Arts, plenty of gold and connections (even if a lot of his connections had been destroyed by his father being publicly revealed as a Death Eater). It had earned him fear and respect from many Slytherins, if no where else. So, if none of the Slytherins would do something this bad to Draco, then Draco himself had to be in on it.
Hermione rose to her feet, drawing her wand and leaning over him, preparing to wake him up—and just then Draco opened his eyes, stared up at her in horror, and started screaming. Hermione jumped and shushed him, but he was freaking out and, not wanting to be set upon by centaurs and giant spiders and who knew what else, Hermione shrieked, "Silencio!"
The noise died and Hermione looked around uneasily. "Keep quiet, you idiot! Do you have any idea how dangerous the place is?"
Draco shut his mouth, looking relieved. Hermione lifted the Silencing Charm. "I thought you were a monster," he breathed. He smirked; when she'd stood over him, her bushy hair all fluffed out by the wind and full of leaves and twigs, her face shrouded in shadow, she'd looked rather frightening. Now that his moment of fear was over, he was quick to cover it up with an insult. "You always look like one, but all those twigs in your hair really make it more pronounced."
Hermione's eyes narrowed dangerously and she pointed her wand at his throat. "What have you done?"
"What do you mean, what have I done?" he snapped, looking around. "Where are we? Oh, shit, are we in the forest?"
"Don't play dumb," Hermione snapped. "This had to be you. The Slytherins are the only ones with a grudge against me."
Draco stared at her as if she was mad, or at least very stupid. "Did it ever occur to your idiotic, arrogant little Gryffindor brain that this isn't about you? That it's about me? In case you haven't noticed, most of the school doesn't like me."
"That couldn't escape anyone's attention," Hermione said coldly. "But no one would dare strand me in here with you."
"No one but me, you, Potty, and the Weasel family knows about this stupid chain," Draco snapped. "No one else would know you'd have to come with me when they planned this prank."
"And once they saw I couldn't be separated from you, they'd abort," Hermione insisted. "No one but the Slytherins would be that cruel to me."
"Not everyone in my house likes me, you know," Draco pointed out.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Admit it. You planned this as a way to get me back. I know you did. If it was someone just aiming for you, they wouldn't have jinxed me back there in the corridor."
"Unless they didn't want you to see them, and then decided to bring you along when they realized that you're chained to me," Draco retorted. "Believe me, Granger, if I was going to find some way to pull a prank on you, it wouldn't be this. For one thing, I haven't had the time or the opportunity to so much as owl my friends; I've been stuck with you and your sickening little crew, so you'd have seen me. For another, there's no way in hell I'd pull a prank that would strand me in the middle of the Forbidden Forest!"
His voice had risen on the last bit, a note of very sincere panic in his voice. Hermione frowned, then lowered her wand, though she kept it out. She knew perfectly well that Draco was more or less terrified of the forest. Harry had told them all about Draco's nerves back in their first year, and while, admittedly, most eleven-year-olds, including themselves, would be scared of the forest, in fifth year she had been quite satisfied to watch him squirm when Hagrid had taken their class into the forest. She and Ginny had made a running joke out of it that had lasted weeks; whenever Hermione was looking depressed, Ginny would wander by and whisper, "What prefers the dark? What did he say prefers the dark—did you hear?" in an uncannily good impression of Draco, quoting his words just before they'd followed Hagrid into the forest. The thought still brought a smile to Hermione's face.
"All right," she said reluctantly, "it wasn't you. You wouldn't come in here if your life depended on it. So who was it?" she wondered, frowning.
"Who cares, Granger?" Draco demanded. "Find out once we're out of here, all right? For now, pick a direction and start walking."
"We can't just pick a direction; we need to think," Hermione told him. "If we end up going in the wrong direction—"
"So, what, we just wait here for some monster to come kill us?" Draco said shrilly.
"Shut up," Hermione hissed. "Look, we're in very real danger here. You have no idea what's in here."
"Of course I do—werewolves and thestrals—"
"Werewolves and thestrals are the least of our troubles. We're talking about a herd of murderous centaurs, acromantulas bigger than me and you put together, a giant three-headed dog… I can think of dozens of things in here that'll kill us as soon as look at us, and I'm sure I haven't met everything that lives in this forest, so shut up and let me think!"
Draco nodded mutely, looking pale and petrified. Hermione began to mutter to herself, trying to figure out which way they should go, but night fell too quickly in the forest, and every direction looked the same.
"G-Granger?" Draco whispered after a few minutes, sounding twice as scared and timid as he looked.
"Not now, Malfoy," Hermione snapped.
"Granger—"
"I'm busy! What do you want?"
Draco, his face ashen, pointed silently behind her with a shaking finger. Now that her concentration was broken, Hermione became aware of a loud rattling noise from behind her, which she recognized as the breath of an enormous creature. Swallowing, Hermione raised her wand and nervously spun around.
"I'm sorry I'm late," Harry told Snape automatically as he arrived at the greenhouses, out of breath and worried sick. "It's just—have you seen Hermione? I can't find her."
"No, I haven't. You all right?" Snape asked as Harry doubled over, putting his hands on his knees and gasping for air, having run all over the castle.
"Fine," Harry lied.
Snape nodded. "All right, then. Your detention should be simple enough; a small explosion in Greenhouse Three has covered the walls in dragon dung—"
"No, I'm not all right," Harry said suddenly, the thought of cleaning dragon dung all night further sinking his spirits. "Life sucks."
Snape cast a glance up at the castle, as though itching to leave, but he said, without much interest, "Why's that, Potter?"
"Why's that? Why's that? BECAUSE!" Harry shouted suddenly. "Ron's gone evil, I've got to clean dragon dung from walls just because I reacted like anyone would, and I have to spend every waking moment with MALFOY just to be a good friend, that's why! I want the simple life, damn it! I defeated Voldemort! Twice! And my reward is dragon dung and Malfoy? I can barely sleep anymore, either—I keep having these awful dreams about Hermione… not just Hermione… Malfoy, Hermione, and ME. It's sickening. I can barely look her in the eye anymore, and I don't know what it's about, but it can't be true, it just can't—"
Snape, who'd been trying to find a way out of the conversation, sighed, deciding that the time to tell Harry the truth about the visions had come. "Potter," he said awkwardly, "it isn't true."
"What?" Harry stopped his ramblings and looked up at Snape with a look of surprise mingled with faint hope. Snape, uncomfortable, continued.
"The visions aren't true. Well, the dreams aren't, anyway. The Cheese Spirit's bite causes you to dream of whoever you were looking at during the last stage in the potion process—in this case, the love poem. The Cheese Spirit is a demon who causes confusion and fear surrounding love and desire, as a punishment for the misuse of love spells and potions. There are many such demons, though few are made of cheese. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure if he's made of cheese, that's just what he looked like to me. Plus, you know, the smell and the mooing sound when he first arrives, and the—"
"I don't care what he's made of!" Harry interrupted happily. "The dreams aren't real? Are you sure?"
"Of course not. For heaven's sake, Potter, haven't you found anything during your research? Madam Pince says you're in the library almost every day—"
"Looking for a way to block visions, not for cheese monsters," Harry told him. "Oh, this is excellent! Absolutely brilliant."
"Well, now that we've cleared that up," Snape said briskly, "there's the small matter of dragon dung. Supplies over there. No magic." He jerked his thumb at a pile of cleaning equipment. "I must be going. I have a prior engagement." He started off back up to the castle.
Harry nodded, unable to believe it. How could they have been so stupid as to overlook researching the cause? They'd simply tried to block the effects, which was a lot like casting a spell on a pile of dung to make it smell better rather than getting rid of the dung itself. He picked up a bucket and a rag, then turned as Snape called back over his shoulder.
"Do make sure you tell Draco, won't you?"
Harry waved in response, but the moment Snape was out of earshot, he muttered, "Malfoy's a smart guy. He can figure it out for himself."
Even with the prospect of a night filled with fertilizer, Harry was beyond happy.
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief as she saw what was behind her. She had been expecting some horrifying monster, but it was in fact Grawp.
Ever since their sixth year, Harry, Ron and Hermione, accompanied occasionally by Ginny, had made regular trips into the forest with Hagrid, trying to educate and civilize Grawp. Harry and Hermione felt as if they owed Grawp something—well, to be fair, they did owe him their lives—and as such made little complaints as they taught Grawp about grammar and manners. Grawp did surprisingly well; Hermione pointed out to the others that Hagrid had told them that other giants had learned enough English to translate for Hagrid and Maxime when the two had tried to convince the giants to join Dumbledore, so the idea that a giant could learn and think and even become smarter wasn't as farfetched as they'd originally thought. Since their lessons began, Grawp had never intentionally injured anyone (though there were a few mild accidents) and he now had enough English to carry on an almost normal conversation.
"Hermy!" Grawp said, looking pleased, as always, to have company. Hermione was a bit nonplussed about her nickname, but "Hermione" was rather hard to pronounce for a giant.
"Hello, Grawp," Hermione said pleasantly, but her voice was drowned out by Draco, who seemed to have taken Grawp's cheerfulness at seeing her for cheerfulness at finding a meal. Draco naturally started screaming his head off.
"Shut up!" Hermione yelled, as Grawp began to roar in surprise. She attempted to calm Grawp, which was no easy task; Grawp couldn't hear her over the deafening sound of his own voice. Hermione put her hands over her ears; Grawp's breath was shaking most of the leaves from the trees overhead and frightened birds added their screeches to his yells as they took flight. "Grawp! GRAWP! It's okay! It's—ARGH!"
Draco had seized Hermione by the waist and pulled her back behind a tree. "Are you insane? Don't speak to it! You might make it mad!"
Hermione stared at him, unable to believe he was trying to help her—though the fact that he was holding her in front of him made it clear that it wasn't an entirely selfless act. "You distract it, and then we'll run," he added, in a tone that clearly meant, "You distract it, while I run."
Hermione shoved him away and waited for Grawp to draw breath, when he would be able to hear her. "GRAWP!" she screamed as loudly as she could. "It's okay! It's all right!"
Grawp looked down at her. "Hermy! Where Haggard?" he asked. He was getting closer and closer to the pronunciation of Hagrid's name.
"Hagrid's not here right now," Hermione said, biting her lip and glancing around. She wasn't sure where she was, beyond the fact that she was definitely in the forest.
"Who it?" Grawp demanded, pointing at Draco so suddenly that Draco yelped fearfully. Grawp misjudged the distance and accidentally poked Draco in the chest, knocking him flat. Draco got to his feet and hid behind Hermione, trembling.
"This is Draco Malfoy," Hermione said, feeling beyond stupid.
"Me Grawp," the giant explained. He looked at Hermione pointedly; remembering her numerous manners classes with Grawp, she cleared her throat.
"Malfoy, this is—um—Hagrid's little brother," Hermione said. "Grawp."
"Little?" Draco said shrilly. "LITTLE?"
"Pleased meet you," Grawp said, extending his hand as if to shake Draco's.
"Shake his hand," Hermione instructed.
"What?" Draco stared at her in disbelief.
"Shake his hand, and say 'the pleasure is all mine,'" Hermione said patiently, fighting to keep a straight face.
Shaking madly, Draco put out his hand as slowly as possible and closed his eyes. Grawp carefully wrapped two fingers around Draco's hand; Hermione giggled slightly as she remembered how long it had taken them to get Grawp to do so without hurting anyone.
"P-pleasure's all mine," Draco stammered. Hermione wondered if he was going to wet himself.
"Harry, Ron and I have been teaching Grawp how to use proper grammar and etiquette," Hermione told Draco, as though this was a perfectly natural thing to do with your friends on a Saturday night.
"Is Drag Omal Foid friend?" Grawp asked Hermione.
"What did he just call me?" Draco asked.
"Well, no," Hermione said, ignoring Draco, wondering how she could explain this.
"Is it enemy?" Grawp asked, glowering at Draco.
"No, no, no," Hermione said hastily.
"Yes," Draco said at the same time.
"Me hurt enemies!"
"I'm not an enemy, in that case," Draco said quickly. "Granger and I are best friends, in that case. Lovers, even. Yes, we're in love. Everyone knows that."
Grawp looked questioningly at Hermione. "Hermy? What is 'lovers?'"
"What are lovers," Hermione corrected automatically. "We just talked about plural and singular last time, remember?"
Grawp nodded and repeated her. "What… are… lovers?"
"Er… that is something Hagrid will tell you," Hermione said, wincing. The last thing she wanted to do right now was teach sex education to a giant. She struggled for something else to say to change the subject and was struck by sudden inspiration. "Grawp," she asked eagerly, "did you see who brought us here?"
"Grawp no understand."
"Did you see any other humans today?"
"Two boys with you!" Grawp said, nodding hard. "Look same. Look as Ron. They leave. Not talk to Grawp."
Hermione's jaw dropped. Fred and George. Fred and George had brought them here! But how would they have known about the forest prank? Hermione's brain ran through everything the twins would have done to plan… but why would they have done it? They were on good terms with her, and so was… wait.
"Ron," Hermione whispered.
"What are you talking about?" Draco demanded. "It just described the Weasley twins, not—"
"Ron did this," Hermione said, sounding close to tears. "He's only been pretending to be nice. He hasn't really forgiven me. He's been conspiring against me all this time! He only got on my good side to make sure he'd be able to keep Harry and Ginny from interfering and to prevent me from thinking it was him so he could terrorize me without seeing any payback—"
"Oh, stop whining, will you?" Draco snapped. "Who cares? So your boyfriend's a jerk. Show some spine already! You're supposed to be brave, so stop bitching and moaning and kick some ass!"
Hermione stared at him, surprised by his sudden outburst but more surprised by the truth behind his words. She suddenly felt like an idiot. Here she was, crying and complaining, when someone had done her wrong? Why wasn't she rising up and teaching Ron, Fred, George and the world in general that no one, from dark wizards to idiot boyfriends, messed with Hermione Granger?
"You're right," Hermione said simply. "You're absolutely right, Malfoy."
"I am?" Draco said, startled. He wouldn't have been surprised to have gotten smacked, or at least yelled at. Rolling his eyes when Hermione ignored him, he glanced around, trying to find the way out for himself, losing interest in Hermione and Grawp.
Hermione squared her shoulders and turned back to Grawp. "Grawp, we need your help," Hermione said uncertainly. "We need to find something important. Will you take us to the spiders?"
"Big spiders?" Grawp asked.
"Yes. Er, no, not the really big ones… a rather small one, about this big." She held up her hands about three feet apart. Draco stared at her as if she were insane.
"Grawp help!" Grawp said eagerly. "Grawp know where find them!"
Hermione smiled and prepared to thank him, but just then Grawp's gigantic fists shot out toward them. One hand closed gently around Hermione and the other around Draco; then he lifted them up (Draco began to scream again) and held them closely to his chest. It appeared he had thought Hermione's request to take them to the spiders a literal one.
"Shut up!" she called to Draco. "He's not going to hurt you! He thinks we're friends."
"Shows what he knows," Draco muttered, glaring at Hermione. "What's he doing, then?"
"Taking us to the acromantulas."
"What's an acromadu… whatever you said?"
"A giant spider, more or less," Hermione said calmly. "Capable of human speech—"
"What?" Draco hissed. "How giant is giant?"
"Oh, not too large. Harry said they were about as big as carthorses, I believe."
"WHAT?"
"Don't worry," Hermione told him. "We just need a small one. A few spells, and we'll be safe from it. As soon as we pick it up, we'll just run like hell."
"I like that plan, at least," Draco muttered irritably. "Why, exactly, are we going to go pick up a giant spider?"
"Because," Hermione said, her eyes glinting in the dim light, "it's time to show Ron that one good prank deserves another."
"So how did it go?" Ron asked in a low voice as soon as Ginny and Harry left the Great Hall.
"Like clockwork, little bro," Fred said pleasantly. Ron raised his eyebrows and Fred sighed. "Well, okay, we had a few problems." The twins launched into a detailed account of the execution.
"You guys!" Ron exclaimed, slapping his forehead. "Not only did you leave Hermione her wand, you forgot to perform the Bust Enhancement Charm!"
"Malfoy's boobs! Knew we forgot something," George muttered.
"Don't worry, Ron," Fred said soothingly as Ron's ears went red. "We've got plenty of ideas on other pranks. This is just a prequel to the real story, understand?"
George nodded emphatically. "By the time this is over, even they'll be impressed at how badly they got their butts kicked. When they're not sobbing."
Ron forced himself to calm down. "All right," he said sulkily. "What do you have in mind?"
End Notes: Still reading the seventh book, but I'm almost done; I'll be updating a lot more after it's finished. More importantly:
Congratulations to sarahyyy, the 5,000th reviewer of "The Prank War!" Thanks to all of you who made this fic so damned popular, and for putting up with my insane urge to edit this thing until it was, if not perfect, then certainly less flawed. The revision's almost over, and then we can get on with the story. I have a feeling that by the time I read the epilogue of Deathly Hallows I'll be itching to rewrite the HP universe to my liking... but I must say, I like the book quite well so far.
Anyway, I can't thank you all enough. I had no idea when I started this thing that it was heading down this multi-chaptered road of psychoticness, and even less idea that I'd soon have 5,010 reviews and counting. You guys are amazing.