Chapter Forty
Ron's Retaliation
The gigantic multicolored Pig wasn't stopped for nearly an hour, by which time everyone in Gryffindor tower had taken to watching from the portrait hole (once they were alerted to the event by Fred, George and Ron's screams) and the Ravenclaws were doing likewise in their tower on the west side of the castle. Dean, Seamus and Neville were unable to make it back through the seventh-floor corridor (or rather, they were unwilling to risk life and limb to try), and exhausted as they were, had fallen asleep on the stairs, Neville's snores drowned out by Pig's squawking and the Weasleys' screaming. Unfortunately, McGonagall was currently at Hagrid's hut, as Hagrid was the only staff member with experience with acromantulas, so she was unaware of the situation. It was Trelawney who put a stop to it; she emerged from her lodgings in North Tower, wearing her dressing gown and looking thoroughly annoyed, to find the Weasleys howling hysterically and Pig twittering along behind as though he thought they were all playing some demented game of tag. She went straight for the headmaster. Once Dumbledore subdued the overgrown owl and returned it to its proper color, he was forced to send someone else down to fetch Hagrid from Hogsmeade and a few groups of students from the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw common rooms to catch the twins and Ron, who were still running around and around the seventh floor in a panic.
At last, a slightly tipsy Hagrid was leaving with Pig on a leash and the acromantula slung over a shoulder, the three Weasleys were escorted to the hospital wing by a few prefects, and everyone was sent back to bed, at which point Lavender Brown, the Patil twins, and a few other girls cornered Neville before he could get to the portrait hole and began the process of threatening him to extract information. Neville caved rather quickly, tired as he was, and before long he began telling the story with gusto, relishing the girls' impressed, even admiring looks.
By morning, the story was that Hermione and Draco had been stranded in the forest and had returned fire with the help of Harry and Ginny (leaving out the names of Neville, Dean, Seamus and Luna had been a condition of Neville's when finally saying he'd tell the girls everything, and they kept their word, hoping for more inside information in the future). To the disappointment of Fred, George and Ron, no one seemed to think there was much credit to be given regarding their prank on Hermione and Draco, but everyone agreed that the spider and the owl had been absolutely brilliant.
Madam Pomfrey normally would have kept the three boys for at least twenty-four hours upon hearing that they'd been attacked by an acromantula and a cursed owl, but she was so tired of the frequent sight of Ron and so nonplussed by the twins' cameo that she sent them all back first thing in the morning after giving them a quick but thorough once-over. Ron attempted to get through to the guest room only to discover that the password had been changed, and he marched angrily back up to his dormitory, cautiously opened the door, and found his things back at the foot of his bed while Harry's were missing—a fact he hadn't noticed while running from the spider. The message Harry and Hermione were sending was clear.
"When do we strike next?" Ron asked his brothers, flinging himself on his bed after checking to be sure that everyone else had left for breakfast.
"Er…" The twins looked at each other. "Well," said Fred, "last night, after you fell asleep, we got to talking and… we think it'd be best if we left now."
"What?" Ron bellowed.
"Well… we're arousing suspicion, you know…"
"Bull! You're just scared of getting pranked again!"
"Us? Scared? Ha! Of course we're not scared," George insisted, but he didn't quite look sincere. "Listen… we'll help you pull off the retaliation prank, and then we'll leave. That way, by the time it sets in, no one will suspect you, because you'll have an alibi—"
"And we'll be back in Diagon Alley," Fred continued. "After that… well, our little friend knows what to do come Monday morning." He grinned evilly. "The prank's going to take a good long while to wear off, especially since it's difficult to remove without an antidote and Snape's run off again."
"Pomfrey doesn't have any, either," George added. "We checked when we were in the hospital wing. Odd, considering it's something that she had to treat you for."
"She had to bring it up from Snape's office when I got hit with it," Ron said. "I remember her saying that some magic is so advanced that she asks Snape to hang on to a lot of its antidotes, as her cabinet space is crowded and it's rare that anyone inside Hogwarts would get hit with a spell or swallow a potion that we weren't taught about in class."
"That's good then," Fred said. "All right. You stay here—or better yet, go to the common room or the library. Then people will see you and be able to confirm you couldn't possibly have done it."
"How are you going to avoid being seen?" Ron asked suspiciously.
Fred went over to a small suitcase he'd brought over from his home and pulled out two Headless Hats. "We'll put these on and hit them from the hall. Then even if someone sees us, they won't be able to identify us. We're not going to leave through the front door—we're going to take the secret passage into Honeydukes."
"We've already nicked some robes from the laundry," George added, pulling them out of his own suitcase and stuffing them into his jacket. "This way we'll look like students."
"Hang on," Ron said slowly. "How are they going to know who it is, if we're being so careful to avoid being seen?"
"They'll know," Fred promised. "Harry, Hermione and Malfoy aren't going to have any doubt. And we're hoping to pass it along from them, although a lot of people will probably figure it out on their own."
"What about Ginny?"
"No… trust us about Ginny," George said.
"Sparing Ginny could be a really good move on our part," Fred added.
"Besides which, it'll be even more hysterical if someone close to them is unaffected."
"Yeah, then they'll be running around trying to sort it out."
"Okay," Ron said, standing up. "This better be as good a prank as you say it will be."
"Oh, don't worry," Fred said, his eyes glinting evilly. "No one will forget this for a good long while."
Harry, Hermione and Draco were once again sitting at the Gryffindor table with their wands out, joined by Neville, as he too was trying to avoid gossip hounds after revealing last night's secrets, and Ginny and Luna, both of whom were listening raptly to the dramatic tales regarding the newest installment in the prank war. It was rather early on a Sunday to be at breakfast; only a few small groups of students sat at each table, and the teachers had yet to show up (most of them were becoming increasingly ragged as the prank war progressed). Harry, Hermione, Draco, Ginny, Neville and Luna were having a blast, hyped up on laughter and the events of the previous evening. Even with the low attendance there was still plenty of noise in the Great Hall to cover their conversation, and few people bothered them. Most everyone was used to the fact that Harry, Hermione, Draco and Ginny weren't going to be giving away any information and everyone was too busy discussing their own versions of the most recent pranks or planning the upcoming holidays to consider badgering Harry and the others.
So the six of them had a long, lighthearted talk over their breakfast, all of them in great spirits, even Draco. While the four Gryffindors and Luna weren't exactly friendly to him, they weren't ignoring him, and they laughed occasionally when he related something particularly funny. He didn't even care that a lot of these moments had him as the butt of the joke; it was enough for him to be acknowledged, and even though he couldn't stand any of them he felt a surge of relief that at least he was no longer going to be bored out of his skull by a lack of interactive conversation. He wasn't happy, but it was an improvement, and he couldn't help but feel good when he imagined the horror Ron must have felt during the acromantula incident.
"So how did you know it was Ronald who stranded you in the forest?" Luna asked with interest.
"What do you mean, how did we know it was Ron? Of course it was him. The evidence fits," Hermione said.
"That doesn't mean he did it," Luna said calmly. "Evidence can be misleading."
"Trust us, Luna," Harry said. "It was him."
Luna shrugged, smiled in her distinctly not-quite-there manner, and took her leave. "Why do you hang out with her?" Draco asked, curious rather than condescending.
"She's quite lovely, once you get to know her," Hermione said, but her tone suggested that she didn't always think so. "Now… where were we?"
"The part where you set off the explosion out on the grounds," Ginny said eagerly, and they resumed the talk of the prank.
There was no warning, save a flash of light caught out of the corner of the eye, striking Harry in the side of the head. The moment it hit Hermione was on her feet, but the second spell got her squarely in the face before she could draw her wand, and the third struck Draco.
"Protego!" Ginny shouted, leaping up from her seat under cover of her Shield Charm, but she only caught a glimpse of two headless figures in school robes before the culprits vanished up the marble staircase. Realizing they'd be long gone before she could get to the doors and it would be useless to try and catch them, she turned instead to Harry, Hermione and Draco. "Are you all right?" she asked in concern.
The three of them stared at her blankly. Then, as one, they all burst out laughing.
Ginny and Neville looked at each other nervously, then back at Harry, Hermione and Draco as they cackled like hyenas. "What's so funny?" Neville asked uncertainly.
This seemed to make them laugh harder. For a very long time, they continued to laugh loudly, until quite a few people in the vicinity were staring. "That's FUNNY!" Hermione yelled, pointing at Ginny wildly, whacking Harry upside the head on accident.
"Ow!" Harry said through his laughter, and Hermione and Draco pointed at him and laughed harder.
"I hate you!" Draco yelled suddenly, still laughing and pointing at Harry.
"I hate you too!" Harry gasped, as though this was some sort of revelation about the things they had in common. The three finally ceased their laughter, looking at each other with wide eyes.
"We hate each other!" Draco agreed, nodding seriously.
Hermione suddenly threw an arm around Harry's shoulders and her other around Draco's. "Let's hate each other together, okay?"
"We're a team now," Harry added happily.
"Yes, we're a team of… of…" Draco frowned and Harry and Hermione followed suit. "Well, we're a team," Draco finished with a shrug, brightening.
"Is… do you think… wow," Neville said, casting a suspicious glance behind him at Luna, remembering her hysterical mirth at one of Ron's jokes on the train before fifth year.
Harry, Hermione and Draco began rocking from side to side. "We're a teeeeaaamm," Hermione sang. "A team of… people who… um, hate each other…"
"We need a name!" Harry announced. "Like… like… um…"
"Fantastic Four is already taken," Hermione said sadly.
"Plus there's only three of us," Harry agreed.
"I've got it!" Draco exclaimed. "We'll call ourselves the Gobstones Club!"
"Er… I think that's taken too," Harry said apologetically.
"Yes, but there aren't too many people in the Gobstones Club," Draco countered. "We could beat them all up and make them give up their name!"
"YEAH!" Harry and Hermione yelled.
By now, most of the Great Hall was watching them curiously (save the members of the Gobstones Club, who were looking nervous and wondering if they should run for it or not).
"I'm really getting sick of the prank war," Ginny said with a sigh. "It may be funny, but I'm rather sick of the backlash."
Hermione gasped in shock. "But the prank war is awesome!"
"Yeah, it is!" Draco insisted.
Hermione and Draco looked at Harry expectantly. "Sorry, I'm with Ginny," he said sheepishly.
"Oh," Hermione said, turning back to Ginny with a broad smile, her arms still around Draco and Harry's shoulders. "Want to be on our team, Gin?" she asked, squeezing the two guys closer to her. They grinned up at her stupidly.
"No, thanks," Ginny said dryly. "I want to figure out just what you guys got hit with."
"Well, you're not gonna!" Draco yelled. "I'll be all sad and moping again if you fix me!"
"And I'll be not really caring," Ginny said. "I think you've been cursed with that same spell the Death Eaters used on Ron in the Department of Mysteries—"
"The one that made him go all funny and Summon that brain that tried to kill him?" Neville asked in alarm.
Ginny nodded grimly. "So this is probably Ron's fault, somehow." She ignored the instant reaction to this as various people looked at each other in excitement; she knew she had just given Ron a lot of credit amongst the other students, but she was pretty sure that she could keep it from getting out of hand.
"Well, let's go kill him!" Harry said, as though suggesting they go for a walk around the lake.
"YEAH!" Hermione and Draco shouted. Before anyone could stop them, they were running out of the hall, cackling once more.
"Wait!" Ginny exclaimed, starting to follow them. She tripped in her haste and nearly pitched headfirst into the platters of food; Neville quickly reached out to steady her. Cursing, Ginny looked up; Harry, Hermione and Draco were gone.
"This probably isn't going to end well," Ginny said in the ensuing silence. She sighed as whispers broke out all over the hall. "Are you with me, Neville?" she asked.
Neville nodded. "Of course I am."
"Then get ready. This is really going to suck."
Oliver stretched his arms over his head, yawning widely as he headed for the door. He would still make it to breakfast if he was lucky.
As soon as he pulled open his door, strange shouts met his ears. He looked around just in time to see Harry, Hermione and Draco running along the corridor, all of them with their arms outstretched as they screamed "Whee!" happily like children taking their first broom ride. They grinned gleefully as their robes flapped about them.
Oliver blinked, trying to process this new strange event through his early-morning fog. When he couldn't quite manage it, he simply stepped back and shut and bolted the door. Today was going to be one of those days, and that meant he had to do one very important thing—hide.
Everything was bright and shiny and new for Hermione. The castle was so pretty! Why hadn't she noticed it before? Probably because she'd been so sad. But now she was happy! Everything was so funny! She felt like she was being tickled by some invisible creature. She felt like she was floating!
Before she knew it, she was running with her arms flung outward, racing down the corridors, her robes flying behind her. "WHEE!" she yelled.
Draco and Harry copied her. "I'm flying!" Hermione shouted. "I'm Peter Pan!"
"Me too!" said Draco.
"No, you're Wendy!" Hermione said angrily. "I'M Peter!"
"But Peter was cooler!" Draco whined, stopping. Hermione turned to face him as he pouted. Harry helpfully ran around them in circles.
"You're more of a Captain Hook," Hermione said gently. "You're… you're not a Peter Pan type."
"No fair!" Draco stamped his foot. "I never get to be the good guy. It's always, 'oh, let's do something evil,' cuz I'm not Peter, I'm the dude who gets eaten by an alligator!"
"Crocodile!" Harry corrected cheerfully as he wheeled round them again, narrowly missing a suit of armor, which leaned out of the way just in time.
"I don't wanna get eaten by a crocodile! I wanna save the world and be all happy! But no, I have to be the good little Death Eater's son! It's no fair! Sometimes I get tired of being evil. It's not easy, you know. Everybody hates me. 'Cept the Slytherins, and a lot of them don't like me too! Now I don't even have a lot of nifty connections in the Ministry cuz my dad had to broadcast the fact that he's a friggin' lunatic before the idiot got himself killed! I wanted to save the world, you know. That's why I tried to be Potter's friend at first. I wanted to be in the in-crowd. Wanted all that glory. Wanted everyone to say 'hey, look, there goes that kid who saved the world!' BUT NO! I'm… I'm… Captain Hook!"
And then Draco did the unthinkable. Draco began to sob.
"There, there," Hermione said, unable to fathom what exactly was going on. Captain Hook is a perfectly good character to be, Hermione thought. Except for that whole evil-guy-who-dies thing… oh, wait! Realization dawning, she patted him on the head. "You're not going to die, Malfoy! At least, not for a very long time…"
"I'm going to die?" Draco yelped, looking up in a panic.
"NO! I just said you're not going to die, silly! You're gonna live. But you're a bad guy. It's okay to be a bad guy. If there weren't bad guys, who would the good guys kill?"
"You're going to kill me?" Draco yelped louder.
"NO! Well, I don't think so, anyway. We only ever kill people who are going to try to take over the world and kill Muggles and Muggle-borns. Cuz, you know… well, I'm sure there's a very good reason why we do that… we, um… it's just what we do. So, we're not going to kill you. Um… not unless you are going to try to take over the world and kill people and stuff. You're not, are you?"
"No," Draco sniffled. "I was gonna once. But then I was all like, 'oh, hey, the Aurors will chop my head off' or 'oh, hey, prison doesn't look comfy.' And I was thinking, you know, it'd be nice to not be all associated with the bad guys just because your dad's a psycho killer. No one would hate you. Except, uh, the other evil people. It'd be real nice to have all that glory. You have glory, don't you? You even get fan mail. Letters that say, 'Thanks for saving the world.' What do I get? Huh? No glory. No fame. Just, 'there goes that evil bastard.' You know what? A few weeks ago this really rude first year threw a rock at me! And of course I cursed the little bugger, and then his friends were all like, 'oh, hey, you're really bad!' and I'm all like, 'no!' Actually I was all like, 'and don't you forget it, you little snots,' but that wasn't what I really meant. No one's ever nice to me, you know. 'Cept Snape, and you had to go and shag him and now he's gone all crazy."
"I never shagged Snape," Hermione couldn't resist saying, hesitant as she was to interrupt Draco's little monologue (she was of the belief that if she let him get it all out of his system, he'd stop his confusing babble and she could go back to running around happily).
"Yes, you did. I have to believe that you shagged him, Granger, because otherwise he just lost his marbles and hated me on his own—"
"Well, pranking him wasn't very nice—"
"And he can't hate me on his own, no, he's the only teacher who likes me. Everyone else hates me. You know how hard it's going to be for me to get a job after Hogwarts? Very! Everyone knows I'm a Death Eater's kid. And the Ministry won't leave my mom alone, they keep coming by to annoy us and glare at us. And Crabbe and Goyle were all sad that they never got to fight in the war because, hey, you won the war before we could graduate, and they keep saying 'Stupid Gryffindors ruined our chances for world domination' and 'The Dark Lord was gonna give us Madagascar when he took over, and now we're gonna have to get jobs as janitors' and I have to nod and smile when they say that even though I know I'm gonna end up a janitor too! And you know what the worse part of life is? I'm BORED! Even the people I consider my friends won't come near me cuz they're all unhappy I've gotta sit with you and you know I'm going insane and I want to save the world! I want to be the cool one! Or at least rule Madagascar! But no, you had to go and save the world first! How rude was that?"
"Well… uh… you can save it with us next time," Hermione promised, trying to figure out how to placate him. It was now completely obvious that Draco was just a raving lunatic; she couldn't really comprehend most of his ramblings anymore, and she really didn't see why he'd want to rule Madagascar with Crabbe and Goyle.
"Really?" Draco asked petulantly. "You'll let me save the world?"
"Um, okay."
"And give me all the glory and the fan mail and no jail cell and all that cool stuff?"
"We don't save the world for glory!" Harry said importantly on his thirty-ninth lap around Hermione and Draco. "We save the world because someone has to be the biggest, toughest, coolest, smartest—argh!" Harry cut himself off with a shout as he plunged headfirst into the suit of armor and both armor and Harry clattered to the floor in a heap. "Ow," he muttered from beneath the armor's legs.
"You can save the world," Hermione repeated, figuring it was best to calm Draco down and then figure out what he was going on about some other time. Right now, she just wanted to run round and yell "whee," not deal with some freakish rant. "That'll be our team's new purpose, okay? Every team has to have a purpose, you know."
"And a name!" Draco agreed, looking quite cheerful again.
"We're the Gobstones Club!" Hermione said happily. "At least, we will be, when we can beat up everyone in the Gobstones Club and they agree to give us their name."
"Right," Draco said, nodding as though this made perfect sense. "But… what'll we call ourselves until then?"
"Uh… the… the Save the World Club?" Hermione suggested.
"Okay. Potter, what do you think?"
"Grand!" Harry said, his voice echoing from beneath the armor.
"We're just like superheroes," Hermione joked weakly, wondering when Draco was going to start running again. She wanted to go have fun!
"Superheroes have their own names, though, don't they?" Draco said, looking as excited as a five-year-old presented with an ice cream cone. "Can we come up with names?"
"I suppose," Hermione said with a sigh.
"Hey, guys?" Harry called. "Er… could you help me out here? This armor's kind of heavy."