Chapter Forty-two
Neville, the Ignored Voice of Reason
McGonagall groaned as she heard the shouts and saw the flashes of light coming up from the entrance hall as she made her way to the marble staircase. Great. More prank war idiocy.
She made it to the top of the stairs and stopped in her tracks, horrified. A number of Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and Gryffindors were gathered in the entrance hall, fighting hard… against Hermione and Draco.
McGonagall, startled by their superhero appearance, stared at them for a moment, before sweeping her gaze over the rest of the students. The Patil twins were huddled against a wall, both sporting horns out of the top of their heads with green fur out of their faces, shivering and watching in terror. The Hufflepuff Quidditch team, minus Susan Bones and Ernie Macmillan, were clustered together near the top of the staircase, Zacharias Smith hiding behind the younger students, all of them covered in some sort of blue mud. Ernie was blocking the doors to the grounds, even though no one else, including Hermione and Draco, seemed to care much about the doors, and shouting imperious commands like "Duck!" and "Get him!" at Justin and Susan, who were being repeatedly knocked over by disembodied arms and legs, which on closer inspection turned out to be Harry half-hidden under an invisibility cloak, running around and yelling "Whee!" while attacking. Dean Thomas was lying on the floor not far from Ernie, obviously under the Full Body-Bind, and Seamus Finnigan was hopping around on one foot in a circle and mindlessly yelling "QUACK! QUACK!" no doubt under the influence of some spell or another. Michael Corner and Terry Boot were shouting all manner of curses at Draco, but Draco kept yelling "Protego!" over and over in between bouts of evil laughter. Anthony Goldstein, Neville Longbottom, Hannah Abbot and Luna Lovegood were facing off against Hermione… and failing miserably to make any sort of impression whatsoever.
"AWAY, minions of Anti-Spider Boy!" Hermione roared, waving her wand in a sharp arch. Anthony and Hannah screamed, Anthony in pain and Hannah in terror; he crumpled to the ground, his skin a fascinating shade of purple and his hands tightly bound by red-and-gold rope, while Hannah dropped her wand and ran to hide behind Zacharias.
McGonagall pulled out her wand and conjured a Patronus of her own. She couldn't leave the hall in the middle of all-out battle to use the Floo Network, but she didn't think she was going to be able to slip past to go fetch Snape, as his quarters were the closest.
"Go to the other teachers, starting with Severus," she told it. "Tell them there's a battle in the entrance hall between the students." It nodded and ran away, interestingly enough in the direction of the front doors and right through Ernie. McGonagall frowned, wondering where it was going, before remembering that Snape had left last night and, if last weekend was any indication, wouldn't be back before Monday morning.
Draco, meanwhile, choked on a particularly nasty bit of evil laughter and spluttered, then shrugged and kicked Terry in the gut. He rounded on Michael, who glared at him defiantly and then took off in the direction of the basement kitchens.
"Hermione," Neville said desperately, now that only he and Luna stood against her (and we all know who would win that fight), "we don't want to hurt you. We just want to help you."
Hermione raised an eyebrow at him. "You do?"
"Yes, yes, we want to help you… um… feel better," Neville said hastily.
"You do?" Hermione repeated. "I can feel even better than I do right now? ALL RIGHT!"
"It could be a trick!" Draco warned her, wandering over. "As Evil Bastard, I know all of the deceitful wiles of evil! And they're probably trying to trick you to save Anti-Spider Boy!"
"Right!" Hermione said, nodding emphatically. She turned back to Neville and Luna; Neville took a nervous step back while Luna smiled at Hermione cheerfully. "If you do indeed want to help us, you must swear your allegiance to the Save the World Club and promise to help us destroy Anti-Spider Boy," Hermione said solemnly.
"Okay," Luna said with a shrug.
"Good enough for me," Draco said, nodding and shaking her hand. "You're in!"
"WAIT!" Hermione said, and Neville let out an "eep" and moved back even farther. "They need costumes!"
"And superhero names!" Draco agreed.
Hermione brandished her wand at Neville, who nearly fainted. "YOU!" she shrieked. "You shall be Clumsy Plant Man!" A flash of light and a bang like a gunshot later, Neville was staring in horror at his brand new Tarzan-esque loincloth, a strap over his shoulder holding it on. It was orange and covered in little black triangles, a la Fred Flintstone. A wreath of vines encircled his head and his feet were bare. Even worse than the loincloth (in his opinion, anyway) was that two thick vines that looked astonishingly like Devil's Snare were wrapping around his wrists, the ends dangling. He held as still as he could, which meant he was trembling violently, but the vines made no move to strangle him.
"And YOU—" Hermione said, turning to Luna, but Draco tugged on the chain to distract her.
"No, no, no," Draco said. "He needs a catchphrase first!"
"Oh, yeah. Um… able to defeat many an enemy with his extensive knowledge of plants, his strangling bracelets of enchanted Devil's Snare, and his uncanny tendency to fall over on his victims?"
"Bit lengthy, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Er… Clumsy Plant Man, coolest nature-lover ever?"
Draco nodded. "That works."
Hermione nodded and waved her wand at Luna before anyone could stop her. When the light diminished, Luna was wearing a dress made out of butterbeer corks with straps of Drooble's wrappers, some of the corks on her chest painted orange in the shape of a radish. Her long hair was teased out to its maximum length, so that a two-and-a-half foot blond afro distracted from the odd dress; what looked like large stuffed eagle, symbol of Ravenclaw, was perched on top of her straw-colored hair. On Luna's feet were pink bunny slippers, and some sort of tail protruded from the back of her dress.
"Weird but Helpful Chick," Hermione explained proudly. "She scares people away."
Without warning, Harry, partially covered by the cloak, slid in between the four students on his back. "Harry!" Hermione cried. "Have you fallen prey to the evil minions of Anti-Spider Boy?"
"Huh?" Harry said. "Oh, no. I just thought I'd see how far I could skid across the tiles." He sat up. "Hey, twelve feet!"
Hermione looked up, glancing around. "Where'd the rest of them go?"
"Ran off screaming," Harry said with a shrug. He climbed to his feet and grinned at Neville and Luna. "Welcome to the club, guys!"
Neville looked down at his slightly pudgy belly, not nearly hidden enough behind the thick strap for the loincloth. He whimpered.
"Thank you," Luna said graciously.
"Ah, the gang's all here," Hermione said happily. "Me and Harry and Malfoy, and we're off to kill Ron, with the help of Neville and Luna! Just like the war."
"Wait," Harry said slowly, "something's not right…"
"The outfits?" Neville asked hopefully.
"No, that's not it," Harry said, waving his hand dismissively. "I've got my cloak, see? Outfits are just like they should be. Hmm…"
"Ooh, ooh, I know, I know!" Draco said, waving his hand enthusiastically like a student dying to impress a teacher. "It was Harry, Hermione, and Ron, off to kill Malfoy!"
"I can't kill you," Hermione said, shaking her head sadly. "Not until the chain's off. I'd have to lug you around all day and you're much too heavy."
"Oh, yeah." He patted her shoulder consolingly. "Maybe later, then."
"We could dye your hair red, though," Harry said thoughtfully. "So you'd look more like Ron. And we could dye his hair once we killed him, so everyone would think he was you."
"Potter, I told you, no one's doing ANYTHING to my hair," Draco said sternly.
"Right. Okay, so… what's missing?"
"Ginny isn't here," Luna pointed out helpfully.
"GINNY!" Harry and Hermione exclaimed, smacking their foreheads. Hermione seemed to think this was a lot of fun, as she did it a few more times; Draco, annoyed by the tugging on his wrist this caused, grabbed her hand to stop her. "Ginny," Harry said. "We've got to get Ginny. She's a very important part of the attack on Anti-Spider Boy."
"Who was Anti-Spider Boy again?" Draco asked, frowning.
"Um… I forget," Hermione said apologetically. "I'm sure we'll figure it out eventually, though. Ginny will help! She's good at that. Except when there's lemon drops involved."
"Let's go get her!" Harry yelled. He dove back under the cloak. A moment later, an invisible arm was flung around Neville's shoulders, and another around Luna's. Stumbling slightly, the three toddled up the suitcase, Hermione and Draco following, leaving the mass of fallen students behind.
McGonagall stared at them as they came towards her. Now was her chance to stop them, to… to fix whatever was wrong with them. But as the Hufflepuffs formerly huddled on the stairs ran past her fearfully, she held back. As the three Gryffindors, Draco and Luna came closer, she made no move to raise her wand.
My Patronus isn't back yet with the other teachers…
They were coming closer. Hermione waved.
After all, someone has to get the students up to Poppy…
"Hi, Professor!" called Harry's disembodied voice.
I could always tell Dumbledore I didn't think it wise to attack them myself; they did kill Voldemort, after all…
And then they were past.
McGonagall burst out laughing. By the time she stopped, they were gone, and she simply shook her head and went to help the victims scattered about the entrance hall.
It took them a half hour to get back into the common room, mostly because they couldn't figure out how to get Neville, Luna and Harry in all at once, but once that was sorted out they tumbled inside and looked around happily for Ginny. Numerous Gryffindors stared at them oddly; Ron peeked at them over the back of the couch, looking nervous.
"Where would you be if you were Ginny?" Harry asked Hermione.
"How should I know? I'm not Ginny. At least, I don't think I am. Where would you be if you were Ginny?" Hermione asked Draco.
"Erm… Hawaii?"
"I'll go get my broom," Harry said eagerly.
"Hawaii's awfully far," Luna said serenely. "Maybe we should check her bedroom before flying all the way there."
"Good idea!" Harry, Hermione and Draco chorused.
Harry turned to go up the stairs to the girls' dormitory, made it up about six steps, and came shooting back down the stone slide, alarms accompanying his arrival. "Oh, yeah," he said thoughtfully, hopping up and pushing his cloak back. "Hmm."
"Don't be silly, Harry, it's girls only. Luna, Malfoy, come on!"
Hermione marched up the staircase as soon as it reformed. She made it to the tenth step when Draco, obliviously wandering after her, set off the alarms again. She toppled into him and they both went flying back to the common room, landing on top of Harry. Startled, they looked up at Luna and Neville.
"Luna," Hermione said disapprovingly, "did you set off the alarms?"
"No, I didn't go up the stairs." Hermione looked outraged at the blatant disregard for Hermione's orders. "Malfoy isn't a girl," Luna said by way of explanation.
"Oh." Hermione sighed and lay back, sprawled across Draco's legs, her feet flung across Harry's chest. "Well, you could have told me that earlier, you know."
"Sorry," Luna said sincerely.
Neville looked up the stairs, torn. On the one hand, he didn't want to make Ginny suffer. On the other hand, he knew he wasn't cut out for this. While he and Luna had also helped Harry, Ron and Hermione in the final battles with Voldemort, Ginny had been exponentially more useful to them. She was the smart one, not just the brave one, and unlike Luna she was wholly sane. If anyone could save the day, it would be Ginny. Of the three of them, Ginny was the Harry of the group, or perhaps the Hermione, while Neville was the Ron. …Luna was just… sort of… well, Luna was Luna, but Ginny… well. He knew that if anyone could be counted on to pick up the wand once Harry, Ron and Hermione had fallen, it would be her. She most definitely would not be standing next to a pile of two heroes and one villain while a random but loveable girl with a blond afro stared dreamily into space a few feet away. She probably wouldn't be wearing a loincloth, either. Although that was a nice thought…
Focus, Neville!
An inner voice that sounded a lot like his grandmother made him jump, and he looked down at Harry, Hermione and Draco. Like it or not, Neville was not the person to single-handedly do something this important.
"You know," Neville said tentatively, "if we could just send Luna alone—"
"I'VE GOT IT!" Harry roared, making the entire common room (which was watching with interest) jump badly and drowning out the last words of Neville's. "Hermione and Luna can carry Malfoy up the stairs! Then he won't set off the alarms, and even if he does, he'll be being carried, so he won't fall back down."
"Brilliant, Harry!" Hermione gushed, giving him a hug as best she could while lying half on top of him. She jumped up. "Luna, get his feet!"
"Okay," Luna said serenely, grabbing his ankles and lifting them up. She looked expectantly at Hermione.
Hermione frowned down at Draco. "You're too heavy," she said irritably.
"But you haven't picked him up," Neville said.
Hermione ignored him and whirled around to face Harry. "Quick, The Immortal! We need reinforcements!"
Harry nodded and looked sharply around the room. A group of three fourth years sat over by the fire. "HEY!" he yelled, and suddenly ran at them like a nuclear missile bearing down upon a particularly annoying country.
It is worth mentioning that in crisis situations, most people can be compared to rabbits. Sometimes, rabbits will freeze in the shadow of a bird of prey. Sometimes they will run like hell to the safety of their burrows. Yet other times, they'll kick the living stuffing out of that cocky-ass bird with their nice strong hind legs.
The three fourth years appeared to be a good variety. A girl with pigtails yelped and bolted for the portrait hole as if hoping Harry would magically be confined to the room. A pimply-faced boy looked at the demented-but-still-somehow-heroic vision of Harry Potter running into battle and simply stared like the proverbial deer in the headlights, knowing that the killer of Voldemort was coming for him, the moment made all the more surreal for him by Harry's outlandish attire.
Thus it was up to the third, a skinny girl with thick glasses, to save her companions and teach that bird a lesson… or rather (as is probably the true meaning of the rabbit's action) to panic, kick out her legs and hope for the best. She seized a nearby copy of Hogwarts, A History (Madam Pince simply couldn't keep that book in the library, what with all the pranksters running around trying to learn the school's secrets to attack their classmates with more precision). With a strangled sound that might have been an attempt at a battle cry, the girl flung the book at Harry like a vindictive paperboy.
Harry's forward momentum was totally unprepared for the reverse direction; in a complicated move that totally explained why Hogwarts didn't teach physics, Harry was knocked away from the fire, over the back of the couch, and onto Ron.
Ron stared at him in horror. Ron had been in the common room when the three had shown up, had smirked and laughed with everyone else, and then had slowly filled with terror when he realized the three extremely irrational people were trying to kill him. He didn't have Fred and George to ask for help, and his only other support in situations like these was now the cause of situations like these. So he stared at Harry much like the fourth-year boy, waiting for Harry's move as bits of miscellaneous pages about Hogwarts's past rained down upon them.
"Oh, hey Ron," Harry said cheerfully, and got back up, hopped over the couch, and turned in Hermione's general direction.
"I don't think those three wanted to help much, Herm!" Harry shouted to her.
"There's a bunch of first-year girls in the corner! And don't forget to only use my superhero name when I'm in costume!"
"Yeah, Potter!" Draco yelled.
"Sorry, Hermione!"
"That's okay, Harry! Now, you'd best try the sneak attack! They all have books, too!"
"Right! Good idea, Hermione! Ooh! Can I say the poem?"
"You'd best! Your super powers won't work without it!" Draco called.
"But… it's a cloak," Neville whined desperately, feeling rather like bursting into tears, especially since Hermione had forced Neville and Luna to memorize poems of their own on the way to Gryffindor Tower and he had a sinking feeling she was going to make them use them before long. "He doesn't have to say a poem. He doesn't. Honest. He's gone invisible like sixty times today!"
Once again, Neville was ignored. Harry cleared his throat loud enough to get an echo. "Magic super-secret power of invisibility, which has absolutely nothing to do with my cool silvery cloak honest, activate so that I may sneak attack those first years over there!" he bellowed.
"It's not even a real poem," Neville moaned as Hermione and Draco beamed at Harry approvingly.
Harry threw the cloak over himself and disappeared. Normally, this would be a spectacular way to "sneak attack" shaking first years, but Harry was yelling "WHEE!" and knocking over tables and chairs and books and so on as he went, so there was a nice trail of destruction to mark his location. He skidded to a halt in the midst of five petrified first years and flung off his cloak.
"HI!" Harry boomed. "I'm The Immortal, legendary member of the Save the World Club! I require the assistance of you insignificant human children!"
"Please leave us alone?" asked a particularly brave girl.
"Don't you want to help?" Harry asked.
They all shook their heads frantically and Harry deflated, aghast. "Um… but… I can pay you! I'm wealthy, see?" He reached beneath his green Snitch-covered boxers and into his pants pocket, pulling out five Galleons.
"We'll do it," said the same first year, her hand snatching the money greedily.