"And tonight's winner and securing a place in tomorrow's final is..."
Vince Noir. Vince Noir. Vince Noir. Vince Noir.
"Sammy the Crab."
Vince blinked slowly. He swallowed thickly as the blinding light of victory shone on Sammy and the alcoholic crab skuttled around insulting people. Vince just knew Sammy would do well. Britain love a good break dancing crab and Sammy was good. Really flaming good. The audience, his audience were cheering for another man… well, crab. He felt as though he'd been shot through the heart and he was just watching as people cheered his slow and painful death.
"Cheer up little man." whispered Howard in his ear. "There's still another place."
Vince nodded but he felt as though everything was over. If he couldn't even win the public vote in a semi-final what did he have in the final.
"Okay so the runners up, in no particular order…"
Vince held his breath. He needed this. He felt like his life depended on this, hinged on the next word Dec uttered.
"Robert Parker."
Vince died all over again. This emotional roller-coaster was getting worse. He felt like he'd just looked over at the drop and just as he was about to go down he'd stopped. Now he was just staring down at his doom and then, through the dark, pessimistic thoughts he heard;
"Vince Noir."
He looked up as the spotlight shone straight on him. He heard Howard cheer next to him and he grinned. This was his life line. He could feel the roller coaster reversing. He was ready to climb again, to the next level but now his fate hung in the hands of the judges.
"Right. We'll go to Amanda first."
"Oh god." she sighed. "This is so, so difficult." She seemed to hide behind her own hand and squirm away in her chair. "Right. Robert. I think your act is crazy. There was lots of glitter and colour it was very camp. Vince, oh Vince. You know I love you. You really are Vince Noir rock and roll star but tonight I'm afraid Robert won me over. So for me it's got to be Robert."
Vince let out a shuddering sigh and he felt Howard's arm creep around his shoulders and pull him close. He relaxed a little into his friend's embrace. The man who didn't like to be touched, visibly hugging his friend in front of 13 million people.
"Okay Piers?"
"Yeah. It was a great show tonight and both of these acts were in my top two so this is a really tough choice but I have to go with the act that I think have the best chance of winning and that is Vince Noir."
"Thank you Piers." Vince said, or at least tried to say but it came out as a strange strangled croak and Howard squeezed his shoulders tighter. Vince looked at his friend. His brow was sweating and his moustache was twitching nervously but he was putting on a brave face. He was a man of action after all.
"Right, Simon… deciding vote."
And that's when it hit Vince. He didn't have a chance. Simon hated him. Simon had buzzed him. Well, that was over. He was going home. It was fun while it lasted. Oh who was he kidding? He was devastated. He could feel tears pushing at the back of his eyes and stinging his tear ducts.
"Well." Simon started, "I thought this was going to be a very easy decision this evening. And I end up having to choose between two acts I buzzed. But I have to admit, as this show has gone on, I feel as though one of me buzzes was a mistake." Vince looked up and was distraught to find Simon was looking at Robert. He felt like everything inside him collapsed. He was fairly sure if Howard hadn't been there, he'd have fallen to the floor by now; weeping and sobbing like a girl in a 50's movie.
"Robert." Simon continued. "You were…"
Better that I said earlier? More entertaining than I gave you credit for? Brilliant?
"appalling. And I would never put you in front of the Queen."
Vince's insides began to re-establish themselves. Did that mean…? No? But… could he…?
"Vince. I was wrong about you and your song."
Wait. TV's Mr Nasty, wrong?
"Amanda was right. I was annoyed that you didn't follow by advise and even more annoyed that you pulled it off so well. So the act I'm putting through tonight is most definitely Vince Noir. You did good kid."
Saturday's Final; Britain's Got Talent a two horse race?
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Bookies have claimed Britain's Got Talent to be a close fought battle between two acts; Sammy the Crab and Vince Noir, who's renamed his and friend Howard Moon's act as 'The Mighty Boosh' for the final.
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Noir claims; "Me and Howard are bringing something completely new to the final. A whole new genre of music"
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Sammy has told reporters that The Mighty Boosh are a washed-up couple of gays with no hope of winning the final
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Moon claims his love for fellow Boosh boy Vince Noir is 'purely platonic'
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Lilly Allen has twittered her unfailing support for The Mighty Boosh for the final of BGT
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Piers Morgan says in interview; "This will be the most hotly contented final… EVER."
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Amanda Holden admits; "I've slightly fallen for Vince Noir."
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America's A-listers amazed by Sammy the Crabs incredible talents.
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Early polls show 43% of votes to Vince Noir and 42% to Sammy the Crab. Will these results be reflected in tonight's programme?
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Sammy the Crab - most incredible act to ever be on TV
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Vince Noir: Is he the best performer… ever?
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Britain's Got Talent Final TONIGHT
"oooh oooh ooh i did a twisty
oooh ooh oooh a tiny twisty
Crimpity crimpity now now
Crimpity crimpity ask me how
Crimpity crimpity out my way
Crimpity crimpity you will pay
bing bong bing bing bong
Crimpity crimpity fugde you"
Vince and Howard looked out to the audience. They were on their feet as were the judges all three of them. Simon clapping louder than the rest. Vince and Howard grinned.
Simon spoke first.
"Good performance you two." he said. "You promised us a new genre of music and that was like nothing I have ever seen before. What do you call that?"
"Crimping." Vince answered proudly.
"Crimping. Well, it was crazy and made no sense and at the same time was captivating. And I really like the new name guys, The Mighty Boosh. Yeah. Good."
Then Amanda;
"Oh, Vince Noir. That smile. It get's to me every time. I love you."
"I love you too Amanda."
"Oooh." she giggled flirtatiously. "Umm, yeah. It was brilliant as always."
And Piers;
"Vince, Howard. The Mighty Boosh. I've been one of your biggest fans since the beginning. I saw the potential right from the start and I really think I'm looking at the act that's going to be at the royal variety show in November."
Vince squealed, making a noise which really shouldn't be made by a grown man as he flung his arms around Howard's neck, who hugged him back just as hard.
Then they just waited, holed up in their dressing room, pacing, running to the toilet and retching until they were being pushed back out onto the stage. They were all stood in a spot light each, all the finalists were shaking nervously. Vince clutched Howard's hand tight. He'd never felt like this in his life. He could almost hear the words 'The winner of Britain's Got Talent is The Mighty Boosh' but at the same time, he could here 'Sammy the Crab'. He squeezed Howard's hand and the older man grimaced in pain. Ant and Dec were wasting time now by asking Piers about how good the final was. Simon said there were two stand out acts. Amanda moaned about how it was all over but Vince wasn't listening. He was just focusing on trying not to throw up as he willed away the seconds. Ant called out the first act who wasn't the winner. Phew! Not him. And the second. Not him either. The third. Forth. Until it was just himself and Howard stood one side of Ant and Dec and Sammy the Crab on the other.
The music dropped to what they like to call 'atmospheric' but it was basically a loud heartbeat pounding in his ears, though Vince though perhaps this was a good thing as his heart was beating so fast he thought it would explode. He felt sick with nerves and then the lights went low and Vince went numb. He couldn't see or feel anything now, except Howard's fingers wrapped tightly around his own and then Ant started to speak;
"And the winner... of Britain's got talent and performing at the Royal Variety Show, in front of the Queen... as chosen by the public... is..."
The music dropped. Vince's heart beat even faster. Howard's grip tightened like a python. Vince took a deep breath, his eyes trained on his gold boots. He could hear the crowd shouted. Some calling his name, some calling Sammy's. He shuffled closer to his friend. Ant asked for quiet and the noise died aways. Now it was just the pounded of his own heart in his ears.
The winner was announced.