Okay guys,
Adonai: Jewish for God, you normally say this name in prayers
Hashem: the same like Adonai
Eloi: like the others
And sorry for the big delay and please, please, please COMMENT!
The prayer in this chapter is a jewish prayer, psalm 22, maybe you recognize it, it is the one, Jesus says on his death, well...
"NO!"
"Levi-"
"THAT CAN'T BE!"
"Levi-" But it is hopeless, what shall he say? Everything is going to be alright? They will find the fucking weapons, they will win this war? Tomorrow the sun will shine? For God's sake, what shall he say to his Jewish friend, standing in an empty gun room, with no weapons, no men, no food, only the assurance of inevitable death.
WHAT shall he say?
Levi falls on his knees and Erwin sees again how small and fragile he is, how thin he is...
Tears leave the Jew's eyes like a flood, there is no end to them. And then slowly Levi whispers words by words, his lips never seem to stop, they go on and on...
He whispers in a language, Erwin doesn't know, but it sounds soft and clear. Like a prayer.
And then the gray eyes of Levi look up, without hope, without anything than despair,and as the Jew speaks, Erwin recognizes these words, for they were repeated every eastern...
"Eloi, eloi, lama asabthani?"
My god, my god why have You forsaken me?
Silence falls on this place and for a short moment, a desperate second Erwin thinks, that maybe, only maybe God, God himself would answer, that he would answer to all this horror, all this nightmare he does to his people. That he would come down and justify this desperation and put an end to this never ending hell. But God doesn't come, and he would never come, for he did not exist, he could not exist. Not here, not now. Not in this hell.
How could light exist in absolute darkness?
Erwin's blue eyes stare at the kneeing silhouette of Levi.
There is no answer to his question, nothing than bitter silence.
Bitter, bitter silence.
Oh, Erwin hates this silence, for are the Germans Death's loyal servants, but silence is Death's greatest friend:
following him since death walks upon the earth, with silent feet and silent hands.
And since this horror began, silence rests upon this world and it would not break, not for one bitter second it would let the world breath, a desperate breath, hard and choppy. No silence enjoys its power like a greedy king, a hungry tyrant.
Then, Levi asks again, but this time without hate or despair, no he asks gently, soft, as if he asked his father, or mother, maybe even a good friend of a small present, a little gift, that implied no effort, nothing than a certain love or goodness of one's soul.
"Ich will doch nur nach Hause..."
(I just want to go home...)
The Jew smiles softly and goes on, while Erwin feels for the thousands time on this very day, tears falling down, down and down, rushing down, filling his mouth with salty water...
"Please, let me go home. Oh please...Adonai...only once, let me go, let me go home, oh Hashem, oh adonai!"
A sobbing interrupts Levi and he starts to shake.
"Our fathers trusted you, they trusted you and you saved them, you freed them, but what is with me? Don't you hear me scream? I am a worm and no man! Where are you? Adonai!"
But Adonai is silent, he, the Great Lord is without words.
And Levi cries more and more he moves back and forth, crying like a little child, whispering all the time "Adonai".
Erwin tries again...
"Levi-"
"You lied to me."
For the first time since they have entered this room, the Officer looks at him. His face is blank like a slice of paper, empty like the room they are in right now. Erwin shakes his head. Still it is difficult for him to speak. Levi stands up, a grim expression on his thin face. When he lays his eyes on Erwin, he seems to be again the Russian Officer with an important business to do.
"Where are the weapons, Erwin?"
Erwin shakes his head. He doesn't know, he has no fucking clue where they could be. The last time he talked with Reiner...Like a slap in the face, a wake from a nightmare, a certain, pulling feeling near the chest, the sudden realization: Reiner ...took the weapons.
An ugly smile appears on Levi's lips. "You bloody bastard, thought you could screw me up, didn't you? Thought it was funny watching me hopelessly looking for something that never existed! You-"
"I am sorry I didn't know-"
"I give a FUCK about your knowing! In the world's name why did I even THINK for one second." The thin long hands of Levi bury his head, while the German thinks...hard. If he doesn't get the weapons his men will be send into a Gulag somewhere in Siberia, with nothing than snow and death...an image of Armin and Eren, these two bloody idiots pops up inside his eyes. A certain assurance fills his body: he will not let them die there.
Neither let them be shot on the wall.
Slowly the Russian Officer moves again and with painfully, clacking steps he comes further and further, till there are only inches between him and Erwin. So small, the blond one thinks silently, while his blue eyes detect Levi inch by inch, and thin...
The Jew's voice is filled with hatred and amusement, while he speaks slowly, grabbing Erwin's arm and pressing it with every word more and more...
"Your boys will be sent into the most cruel Gulag I will find, is that clear?" And after a short pause, he goes on, but his voice is louder now, firmer, as if he is damn sure this is going to happen.
"I will survive this war, Erwin. And when I come back, I will go into this Gulag and I will torture your man, one by one until not one of them remembers his fucking name and can walk on his own feet and when they are dumber than blind worms, whirling and crying I will tell them who is responsible for their miserable life. And this name will be yours Erwin." The last part Levi has whispered right into his ear, a shiver goes through Erwin, like a cold blow of wind. No, he thinks, this will not happen. And in a desperate try he grabs Levi's neck and forces him to look him in the eye.
"My men will not die. And you will not kill them."
The Russian Officer narrows sardonically.
"Is that so?"
Levi breaths out and it sounds like a chuckle.
"Tell me one reason why I-"
"Because you are human, Levi."
The gray eyes stare at him and for a second Erwin sees the young man of 18 again, young and somehow innocent. Yes, Levi will not kill and murder for fun. Because despite this hell he lives in, Erwin knows that the Jew has not yet become one of these monsters that are so many nowadays. Because if he was he wouldn't stand here alive neither one of his men. Levi would have shot them right away. But he didn't and nothing else matters.
There are so close, the German notices, and somehow his hand in Levi's neck is a strange, warm, pleasant feeling. He doesn't want to miss it, but he has to. He releases the shorter man, who immediately takes one step back, detecting Erwin carefully. Now or never, the blond one guesses and he goes on talking.
"You want to reach Germany, is that correct?"
A slightest hint of a nod of Levi, who watches him anxious and maybe even curious...
"You will not achieve that, with the army you have right now."
The small Russian Officer opens his mouth in protest but Erwin interrupts this try.
"You need more men-"
"There are no-"
"Take mine."
Silence. No one is breathing. Levi's eyes get small and a very tired expression falls on his face making him look utterly old.
"I can't Erwin. I don't have any food for them, my men will never accept them. If I don't send them into a Gulag or shoot them now, I will be seen as a traitor."
The tall German swallows. In his head ideas over ideas appear and vanish like smoke. The picture of Armin and Eren still sits in his head and it hums like a nest of bees. He can't let them die. He presses his hand against his skin, pulls on his hair and pulls and pulls till it feels as if the skin slowly dissolves from his skull.
"Shit," he mutters, not thinking clear, "this cannot be." There is no answer. He looks back at Levi. His face still tear-strained.
"What the fuck am I doing?", the German thinks, "am I truly expecting pity from a Jew?"
He shakes his head. When he opens his mouth, everything inside him whirls and turns, because he knows he has no fucking chance...
"At least try Levi."
He feels numb. And so he begs.
"Please."
The Jew sighs deeply, turns around and brushes empty brasses. The sound screams in Erwin's ears. Levi doesn't answer and doesn't have to, for Erwin knows exactly what he has to do.
He has to find the weapons...
see ya! I promise!