I had already noticed that Mai was even more antsy this Friday than she had been the past couple of weeks. So when she finally came up to me right before lunch, I was more curious than I was surprised.
"Hey, um, Miyuki?" She asked, as quiet as ever.
"Yeah?" I said, hanging back a little to let the rest of the hungry students get ahead so that Mai and I could have a bit of privacy.
"Do you think... well... I don't know, maybe you could..." Mai said, hesitant. She looked a bit embarrassed, though why that would be I couldn't guess.
"Just go ahead and ask, Mai. Asking won't kill you - I promise." I said jokingly, trying to get her to loosen up.
She blushed a bit more. "It's just that... Do you think you could come over to my house for a bit after school?"
I smiled. "Are you finally going to reveal what you've been so secretive about lately?"
She nodded. "Well? Can you come?"
She seemed really eager, despite her original embarrassment. "Of course I can come. There was supposed to be a Guardian meeting today-"
"Well, if you can't come, then-" Mai started, interrupting. Though I just kept on going.
"But I'll just let them know that I can't come today. They'll understand." I finished.
"Are you sure?" Mai asked. "I can wait... I don't want you to miss a meeting just for me."
"Seriously, don't worry about it." I said. "I'm pretty sure we were just going to be going through some papers today. I'll be glad for an excuse to get me out of that." Actually, I was pretty sure we were going to discuss Nikaido again today. Either way, I really didn't want to be there.
Mai brightened up considerably. "All right. Well... we can walk to my house after school is out, then."
"Sure." I said. "But for now, let's go ahead and eat lunch. I'm starting to get hungry." We both got in line and got our lunches. Mai went off to sit with some of our classmates, while I went off to sit with the Guardians as I always did.
"Miyuki won't be at the Guardian Meeting today." Azami announced as soon as I sat down at the table.
"Why is that, Miyuki-chi?" Yaya asked.
You couldn't have just let me say it, could you, Azami? I thought to myself. "My friend wants me to come over after school. She seems like she really wants to show me something, and I don't want to make her wait." I explained.
"What about your theory about your teacher, Yamada-san?" Tadase asked. "We're talking about that today."
"You guys go ahead." I said. "You can talk without me there. Anyway, there have been so few X-eggs this week that we haven't really had any chance to catch him in the act." In fact, there had been no X-eggs at the school this week, and Amu hadn't told anyone about the night at the park. I think that there being no X-eggs for an entire week had to be a first since I'd come to Seiyo. Nikaido usually tried for at least one or two a week. I was starting to wonder if Nikaido was up to something. Or maybe he was just tired of getting eggs for himself, and was letting me do all the work. I hoped it was the latter theory, though instinct told me that Nikaido was going to try something sometime soon.
"Are you sure?" Amu asked. "We can just postpone talking about it."
"Don't worry - you can fill me in later. I don't mind. I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to talk about it Monday, too, so we can all talk again then." I said. As an afterthought, I added, "Maybe I can even find out what happened to my friend that day Nikaido should have been helping her, and she ended up with an X-egg. I'd never bothered to ask."
"Great idea!" Kukai said enthusiastically. "We could all do some detective work! I could ask Imari what happened to her that day she had an X-egg, too."
I was about to ask who Imari was (Kukai talked like I should know her), but Yaya butted in. "Yes! Yaya will be the super-ultra-best detective ever!" I'd seen Yaya in detective mood before - I could just imagine her going around in her Sherlock Holmes outfit (complete with oversized magnifying glass), and asking people if they'd seen anything suspicious concerning Nikaido.
I'm sure Nikaido would never figure out what was going on with Yaya running around as a 'super-secret' detective. I thought sarcastically.
* * *
Mai came up to me as soon as school was out. As I put my stuff away, she would alternate between looking down at the ground and glancing at me with anticipation. Though these signs were fairly subtle, they told me just how anxious or excited she was about whatever she wanted to show me. I really wanted to know what was going on, though I contained my interest and tried keep an appearance of calm inquisitiveness.
We started walking to the door (actually, Mai was practically already outside the classroom once I finished getting my stuff together), but of course it couldn't go that smoothly.
"Mizuki-san, could you stay here? It will only be a moment." Nikaido said. There was an almost unidentifiable undertone to his voice today, and I had to mentally keep myself from doing something stupid like flinching or acting anxious. As it was, a faint wave of goosebumps was making its way down my arms.
Mai looked disappointed, and I tried to reassure her. "Don't worry - it shouldn't take too long. Just wait out in the front entrance way of the school. I'll be there in a minute or two." Mai still didn't look too happy, but she knew that there was no way around it. She left, with the rest of the stragglers following soon after, realizing that Nikaido needed to talk to me. I caught Amu's eye as she left, and noticed that she seemed worried about me. I guessed she must have been really convinced about Nikaido being evil to be so concerned.
Once everyone left, I started to wonder why Nikaido had called me in. It was true that on Fridays I normally gave him all the X-eggs I'd collected, but after that massive batch after the Tuesday night park incident, I hadn't expected him to need any more today. He kept on entering grades into his computer for a couple minutes after everyone had left, purposefully making me wait. Finally, I couldn't take it any more.
"What is it you want?" I asked. "I gave you all the eggs you could ask for on Wednesday."
"And that was very nice of you to get me all those eggs, Mizuki-san." Nikaido said, stopping his work and smiling at me as he always did. "They'll be put to very good use, I assure you. I just wanted to ask you a couple of things, Mizuki-san."
"Like what?" I asked, sounding bolder than I felt.
"Like why the Guardians have suddenly taken such an interest in watching my actions whenever I am nearby. Surely you would have mentioned if they were on to me, wouldn't you, Mizuki-san?" Nikaido said. Even though he talked as if he was ignorant, I could see in his eyes that he knew I had ratted him out. But he didn't seem angry - in fact, I almost imagined that he was quite thoroughly amused.
I tried to shrug off the implied accusation. "They, um, mentioned it a couple of times. But I didn't think that they were serious about it."
"Is that so?" Nikaido said. "Well, I know you would never tell a lie to me, Mizuki-san, so I of course believe you." In other words, he meant that he saw through every lie I told. "So, one more thing, Mizuki-san. I need you to..." He trailed off, deliberately leaving me in suspense.
"What?" I said irritably. I didn't want to hear what he was going to say - I could tell that whatever it was, I wouldn't like it. But if he was going to tell me anything, I just wanted to get it over with.
"It should be quite simple, Mizuki-san. All I need you to do is take Tamiya Mai's egg."
I gaped, not comprehending this crazy thing he was saying. "W-what?" I asked in barely more than a whisper.
"If I do understand the situation, you'll be going to her house right after I'm gone talking to you, which should make it even easier to do. You see, her heart's egg is just about to be born. Her egg should appear tonight, in fact. Once it appears - and only once it appears, not any time before - I want you to turn the egg of the heart into an X-egg. You may not even need to chara-change to pull it off; you'll find it's quite easy enough to do when you know exactly what to say to crush a person's dreams."
"But... but... But why Mai?" I asked despairingly. This couldn't be happening.
"As I said, her egg is just about to be born, Mizuki-san. And it will be a strong one. That's why I need it - for a bit of an experiment I'm doing. Just remember that you must wait until the egg has actually appeared to change it into an X-egg, but you cannot wait so long that it hatches. " Nikaido said, as if he were simply explaining how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I stood in silence for a moment, my mind still trying to take in what Nikaido was telling me to do. "But Mai is my friend..." I said, partially to myself. "I can't make an X-egg out of her heart..."
"Oh? Mizuki-san, this isn't a request." Nikaido so. "It's an order. Are you going to defy the will of Easter? Just give up the power you've acquired?"
"Miyuki will do what she wants. She only takes orders if she wants to." Azami said. "Don't push your luck."
Nikaido simply smiled at Azami, then turned to me with a look that asked for my answer. I certainly wasn't enjoying the thought of giving up my power. I'll admit that I liked my power way too much to part with it readily. "But... Mai..." I trailed off again.
"You knew from the beginning that anyone who didn't work for Easter could never truly be your friend." Nikaido said. "You took the power, knowing that you'd some day be asked to betray the Guardians. Surely you aren't going to let a silly little girl - one who doesn't even have a chara yet, no less - get in the way of your power?"
I remained silent. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I had known from the beginning that betrayal would be necessary. I even let myself befriend the Guardians, knowing that I would be nothing more than a spy. But still, knowing was not the same thing as doing. Mai was my friend. Perhaps even my best friend. Could I really do this to her? But then again, could I give up my power for her? And if I gave up my power for her, then I would be going directly against my would be self. Who knew how many times Azami had said that a dragon didn't let anyone get in the way of what she wanted? How could I ever face my chara knowing that I had chosen 'a silly little girl' over my would-be self?
And another thought occurred to me: could Azami even continue existing if I denied her like that?
Nikaido left me to my thoughts for a few moments, but then went on talking. "I'll expect you back here sometime this evening, as soon as you've finished your job. You can go now, Mizuki-san. Have a nice day!" Despite what he was asking me to do, he was still smiling. And as I looked up into his eyes one last time before leaving, I could see a dark, malicious gleam.
* * *
Mai practically jumped when I entered the entryway of the school. If she noticed that I was more distracted than usual, she didn't mention it. For the first couple blocks, we walked in complete silence. Not even Azami talked. Mai was too caught up with whatever she was excited about to notice my glumness. My brain was in turmoil. What was I going to do? I didn't want to lose my power, but nor did I want to hurt Mai. Then again, maybe if I gave her a very small scratch, she would never know I betrayed her.... but the effect would be the same. It didn't help that the Darkness inside of me was rising as well, making me even more despondent. If it wasn't for Mai's presence, the X-energy probably would have overcome me right then and there.
I wanted Azami's advice, even though I knew what she would probably say. But when I looked over to get her to talk to me, I saw that she wouldn't say a word. She had a strange mix of emotions showing through a mask of indifference, and the one that surprised me the most was fear. That scared me more than anything so far. It took me a moment to realize just what she could be afraid of. Finally, it dawned on me: she knew that I had to make this decision on my own. She knew that whatever was going to happen, she couldn't interfere by making me chara-change or telling me what to do. And I think we both knew that the choice I would make could very well cause Azami to disappear. Forever. And she was scared, because no matter how great of a dragon she was, she could do absolutely nothing about it.
When we were a couple blocks away from Mai's house, she suddenly started to talk nonstop. She talked about anything - the lunch today, school, Utau, her dog. I took in very little of it. I still didn't know what I was going to do. Right as we reached her block, she finally seemed to notice my trouble.
"Miyuki, is something wrong?" She asked.
It took me just a moment too long to realize she had actually asked something that I would need to respond to. "Oh, I'm fine." I said half-heartedly.
Mai noticed that I really wasn't fine, and grew quieter. "I'm sorry, Miyuki. You're obviously not in the mood to come over. I'm such a horrible friend. I've been so involved with myself that I can't even recognize when something is bothering you... maybe I don't deserve you as a friend..."
This hurt me more deeply than anything else. If anything, I was the one not worthy of having her as a friend. Automatically, I corrected her. "That's completely wrong!" I said, with perhaps a bit more emphasis than necessary. "You're the greatest friend I've ever had."
Mai seemed to glow. "Really?"
I could have cried. Here I was, telling her how great a friend she was while deciding whether or not to rip her dreams aways from her. "Definitely."
"Well, you're the best friend I've ever had, too!" She said cheerfully. I smiled back at her, a smile full of affection and sorrow. But her excitement had once again blinded her. She only saw the smile, and not the complex emotions battling behind it.
"But anyway, we're here!" she continued. "Now I can finally show you what I've been working so hard on! You'll be the first to see it!" She unlocked the front door to her small, one-story house with a key from under the mat, then grabbed my hand and pulled me excitedly through the house to her bedroom. Her dog - a cute little Scottish terrier - greeted us as we charged through the house, though I noticed he kept his distance from Azami. He even seemed to be avoiding me, to some extent. In the back of my brain, I supposed that dogs have a much better intuition than humans. He could probably see what kind of friend I really was.
Mai closed the door to keep the dog from bothering us. Her small room reminded me of her in a lot of ways. It was simple, and yet cute at the same time. It was themed with a light, pastel shade of blue. She had her bed in one corner, a dresser and a work desk against another wall, and a small closet at one end of the room. It was all neat and tidy. She gestured for me to take a seat on her bed, which I did without another word. Mai went over to her desk, and took a stack of computer paper from one of the drawers. I figured it had to be at least thirty pages thick, and that was with what appeared to be twelve point font, single spaced type covering most of the pages. She handed it to me, and I looked at the cover page. In bold letters in the center of the page were the words, "A Quiet Dream." Beneath them, in small type, it said, "By Tamiya Mai."
"Is that what this is all about?" asked Azami out loud, sounding neither kind nor cruel. "A story?"
"Did you say something?" Mai asked curiously.
I was a bit surprised. "No, I didn't say anything." I suppose that I shouldn't be that shocked. Nikaido said her egg was about to be born. No wonder she might be able to hear Azami.
"Will you go ahead and read the first chapter?" Mai asked. "I won't make you read it all now. I'll explain once you're done, and you can tell me how it is." She paused for a moment, then said more quietly. "I know it's probably horrible."
I didn't know how to respond, and so I simply started reading. From even the first paragraph, it was actually really good. Chapter one introduced a young girl named Anna, who at school was the model student - she got straight A's, she never missed a day, and she always got her work turned in on time. Everyone thought it was just a gift, though in reality it was only through the hours of studying that her parents insisted on that made her so good. But slowly, throughout the course of the first chapter (which was a very decent size), it was hinted to the reader that she was getting tired of her perfect grades. And then, at the very end of the chapter, her true desire was finally revealed: She didn't want to get a super-successful career like her parents wanted for her, where she could make lots of money. She was totally selfless - she wanted to volunteer, and to help those that could use her help, mainly out of pity for them. But the problem with that had been cunningly revealed earlier in the chapter. Not only did her parents want her to make a lot of money, but volunteering was something that would completely ruin a girl's social reputation at her school. To most people, it was simply a silly, stupid thing to do.
Occasionally throughout the reading I would find myself reading the same line over and over again. My mind was still hazy and confused, unable to understand what seemed to be my lose-lose situation. As for the story itself, other than a few grammar and spelling errors that I noticed, it seemed very well done. Though my somewhat ignoble views of the world made me scoff at the main character for her desperate desire to help others, I still found myself sympathizing with her in other ways. She was really quite a good character.
When I finally looked up, I realized that Mai had been watching me intently the entire time. She immediately started talking, so fast that it seemed as if she had been some giant balloon up to this point, slowly inflating until the time when she could let it all out. "I don't even remember how I got the idea for the story. It just came to me slowly, starting with a character that's introduced in the next chapter. She's a girl named Shizuko, but she's mute, and has to use sign language. Anna wants to help her, but as she starts to learn sign language from her new neighbor, she realizes that just because she's disabled, doesn't mean that she necessarily needs help. And even more than that, she starts to learn that if she wants to help people, it shouldn't be out of pity, and nor should she be ashamed of helping others, even if everyone at school thinks it's lame. In all truth..."
She finally took a pause. Azami whispered quickly into my ear. "Look up!" I turned my eyes slightly upward and nearly gasped. In front of Mai -though about a foot above her head so that she didn't see it - an egg was appearing.
Then she continued, and I quickly switched my glance back to her, while keeping an eye on the materializing egg. "In all truth, Shizuko was kind of based off of you. Throughout the book, Anna sees that though she originally talked to Shizuko for a stupid reason - that being pity - Shizuko has actually become the only one who truly accepted Anna for who she really is, as well as helped her grow out of her childish, submissive quietness and become a stronger, better person. And you've done the same for me. I don't think I ever could have written anything like this without you. And though the story was a lot of work, I think I've grown since starting it. All thanks to you, I found how much fun it is to write - to tell the story that I feel needs to be told, and now to share it." Now the egg was fully formed, floating in mid-air above Mai. It was a creamy white color, and on the front was the image of a plain, sky-blue pencil.
"So... how do you like it?" Mai asked after another short pause. "I know it's probably terrible... but just be honest."
My mind rapidly flashed from concept to concept - Easter, the story, Mai, my power, X-eggs, Heart's eggs, Azami, dreams. And to make it even more confusing, the Darkness seemed to be reaching a new peak, making me sad and angry and greedy and evil all at once. Somehow, I got the feeling that even if I didn't take Mai's egg, Azami would be fine. Somehow, I suddenly knew that whatever I said, Azami would stay. She would stay to help me grow into my would-be self, even if I wasn't even close to being a dragon now. And even though I was confused mentally and emotionally, that knowledge allowed one clear train of thought to emerge. I had to decide, now.
My best friend, Tamiya Mai.
Or the power of shattered dreams.
Suddenly, the memory of my first character-transformed flight came to mind. The freedom, the confidence, and most importantly, the power. I loved it. The Darkness flared up, a mix of sorrow and malice. And though Mai was my best friend, I thought that choosing her would be denying all that I wanted to be. I felt like crying, but my eyes remained oddly dry. Amazingly, my voice stayed steady as I gave my response.
"I'm sorry, Mai. But you're right. It's terrible." Her expectant look turned to one of disbelief, and yet I kept going. "The character is boring, and it's just corny. The grammar and spelling are horrible. I don't think I would ever like to read a book like this. Yet again, I'm sorry, but..." My throat closed partially in sorrow for a moment, my first sign of remorse. "....but you told me to tell the truth. And there it is."
Mai's look of disbelief slowly turned to despair. Exactly like the look she had had on that day months ago when her X-egg had been taken out by Nikaido. "You're right, Miyuki." She said, resigned. "I should have known. Telling stories... what good can it do? No one would have wanted to read my stories. If it's not true, then it's probably just a waste of time. It was just a silly dream... I see that now." Darkness spread quickly around the egg, engulfing the creamy white color with the all-so-familiar shade of black. And yet, unlike the other X-eggs I had seen, this one still had the image on it, though it had faded immensely. As of yet, I saw no X on the egg. I wondered if I would need to scratch her with my chara-change after all. For a moment, I hoped that maybe the egg would fight back and save my friend from hopelessness.
Then Mai whispered something, so softly that I barely heard it. "Thanks... thanks for letting me see the truth, Miyuki." The big white X appeared, completely obscuring the pencil except for perhaps the faintest of outlines still showing through the X. Mai sat down on the floor, and I grabbed the egg. I felt like I was moving in a dream. None of the feelings of sorrow from the Darkness seemed to connect. It was as if all of my emotions were muffled under layers of blankets, unable to make their way out. I felt numb. And I wasn't even crying.
"I'm going to leave." I said, still not quite feeling like this was really happening.
"Yeah..." Mai said, without looking up. "Thanks for coming..."
I left without another word. I walked back to the school, my mind seemingly devoid of any thoughts. I was almost a machine, simply going where my body told me. I walked in the front doors of the school, and through the dark, empty hallways. I felt nothing. Even when I made it to Nikaido's room and wordlessly handed the egg to him, I felt no fear. I walked home, changed and just sat in my room as the evening passed and night came. And still, no emotions and no thoughts dared to present themselves. It was only when I turned off the lights and was under the covers that the tears began to flow unheeded. I finally realized the full implications of what I had done. I had destroyed my best friend's hope. I had corrupted it and taken it from her. Maybe if I had recalled a memory of me with Mai rather than the memory of my first flight, then perhaps I would have chosen differently. Even if I did have that chance to redo today, I wasn't sure if I would change my actions or not. I had chosen to strive for my dragon-self - which was a good thing - but in the process I had hurt the greatest friend I could ever have.
From the depths of my mind, I remembered our conversation from earlier that day.
"Do you think... well... I don't know, maybe you could..."
"Just go ahead and ask, Mai. Asking won't kill you - I promise."
But I had broken that promise. Emotionally, my best friend was dead. And I was her murderer.
Sorry, this might be kinda long... I've got a lot to say. (EDIT - I changed the name of the mute character that Mai describes to 'Shizuko', after realizing by chance that the name I used before was the name of a main character in another fanfic, and I try not to use names that other people have used, if I can help it. Also, Shizuko means 'quiet child')
First of all, I've got to say that killing off Mai's hopes and dreams was among the toughest things I've ever written. Especially after that little speech about friendship that she gave. Also, just to let you know, this semi-directly is the first part of the series of events of the mini-climax. Just so you know. You probably won't see how until next chapter.
Next, I've got to say thank you to all the people who have reviewed recently! Of course, first thanks go to Kitty Obsessive Disorder, who has been a great reviewer throughout the story. And secondly to Suzuku Harukaze, who has almost been great at reviewing! Thanks to you both! And next to all the people who have just reviewed recently, making me extremely ecstatic! So thanks to Kimmytrainer (thanks for joining my proboards forum, too!), Sai and Shii .X-treme (I shall indeed be watching), and kyara yukai (I'm so flattered that you made an account just to review my story! And thanks for reading Amber Eyes as well~! Though since you reviewed chapter 12, I'm not sure if you'll see this until later). Really, having three new reviewers in just four days or so is a HUGE thing for me, and I thank you all!
Yet again, reminder to take the poll (the mini-end is nearing...)! And also, reminder to review! (as you can see, for all my talk about 'I'm writing this because I like to write it', I actually get really happy about reviews)
And a note to readers, since I don't think I've ever confirmed this or not - I update on weekends. Usually I update late Friday night, but it depends on how much I have done. Sometimes it's not until Sunday night. And except one time (which I warned the readers about), I think I've stayed true to that commitment of one per weekend, doing more whenever I have time.
Yet again, thanks! *sob*... though I'm usually a somewhat sadistic person, I actually miss Mai... Sorry, I guess I'm ending on a sad note...