Playing With Fire ~
~ For Sarah J who made the beautiful artwork for this story (see my LJ or FB or send a PM). Love you Sarah J. The only reason my farscape stories exist is because you gave me back my life and my words, and you came into my life opening up a whole new world to me just like Crichton did for Aeryn. You unchained my heart and you will always be my 菟erson3
~ With love and thanks to the wonderful Claudia Black Online Facebook group. Everyone there has been so encouraging and supportive, the best fan group on the web by far :) You all inspire me so much and I am so lucky to be a part of it. Special thanks to Dana for being the most amazing and supportive friend, Lily for being my 都isterand putting up with me and reading my drafts, and Jenny for just being awesome and for inspiring me to get back to writing again. Love all you guys at group and keep up all the great work xxxxxx
Chapter 1 (of 4)
"Payback"
Anger is burning brightly as she tosses Crichton's quarters looking for his supply of precious Lakka. His magic cure for the disease of her. How much pain she must bring him, just by existing, by being here, that makes him turn to who knows what Noranti put in that dren. Aeryn doesn't feel she has DONE anything TO John. She has done nothing, nothing to provoke him into treating her so coldly. Much of this makes sense to her now that she knows he has been intoxicated with this substance. The cold emptiness in his eyes, the way he walked right past her as if she did not exist, the way he suddenly stopped noticing her, stopped noticing that she was in pain. He had always noticed, even when it was none of his concern, even when she resented it, he always noticed, he always wanted to talk, to fix. Suddenly that stopped, and now she knows why.
Anger doesn't quite cover what she is feeling now, she is enraged, and more than that, something more that she has no Sebacean word for. She feels like he has left her, abandoned her, which is not logical since he is here, as is she. But she feels like he is gone. She supposes this is the point of the exercise. After all she left, she left, she hurt him, so this is some kind of pay back revenge? This brings her a small measure of comfort, revenge is something she understands, it makes sense to her. Now he is playing in her playground. She knows the rules to this kind of battle. This left her two options. Surrender- let him win. This was no option not even for an 兎xPeacekeeper. Or play the game too. And there is little point engaging in the battle if your opponent isn't even aware you are playing. He had played his hand patiently, waited a long time for her to find out about the lakka. She was not so inclined to patience.
She waited though, rather impatiently, in his quarters for him to return. As the microts passed her anger only escalated. She needed that, the anger, to squash down that other feeling that was creeping up inside her, the one she had no name for, the one she had never known until John Crichton had entered her life. The one that made her want to cry, even though everybody knows- peacekeepers don't cry. Not even ex peacekeepers. So she lets the anger take over. Anger at herself, anger at him. It's not difficult to work herself up into a bitter rage against him.
When he returns to his quarters he is surprised to see her. Not angry, not at first. Not scared, not until he looks into her eyes, just surprised. Almost pleasantly surprised.
He spies the Lakka in her hands.
"Please, not this again, I get it I should have been he thinks he does get it, he really thinks he does, until he chances to look her in the eye, and something so dark and insidious is looking back at him, it makes him take a step back from her involuntarily.
"You 堵etit? Do you?She demands.
"Yes, stupid thing to do, I'm answers flatly.
"Sorry?She repeats incredulously. 添ou don't get to be sorry, Crichton."
"Ok I'm not allowed to be sorry, got mumbles.
"Why did you ask Noranti to give this to you?Aeryn wants to know, needs to know.
"I didn't ask her, she just gave it to me."
"Why did you take it?She persists.
"I told you why."
"The real reason presses him.
"I don't know what you're talking about.
"Did you do this to spare yourself the unbearable pain of being near me, or did you do this to cause me pain?She asks him. She asks it of him quite openly, quite uncharacteristically.
"No,He tells her adamantly. 哲o, I was never trying to hurt you."
"How does it work anyway? Obviously you don't forget me, you know I'm here, you know I speculates.
" acknowledges. 的 don't know how it works."
"You know I exist then, you have that awareness, and yet you walk past me as if I'm not there. I speak to you and you act like I am invisible. But you do hear me, you do see me?She asks.
"Yes, I see you, I hear you.
"But you don't care about me anymore? Not enough to even respond when I speak to you?
He stumbles for a microt before being able to answer. It's not right that he does not care, he still cares, he doesn't want anything to happen to her, he doesn't want her to be standing there looking at him like this. It's just...it doesn't rip his heart out anymore, and he doesn't know how to explain it. And this is what he tells her. 徹f course, I still care. I don't know how to explain it. You don't understand Aeryn, let me try explain.
"Explain?She mocks him. 滴ow can you explain anything when your already insufficient brain function is clouded with this dren?
Before he can formulate an answer, she lifts her hand, in readiness to insufflate the substance. He isn't fast enough, it doesn't occur to him she will actually DO it. What about the baby? And she was right, who knows what Noranti put in that stuff. But he should know by now that she does not make empty threats. And within seconds he can see something cloud over in her eyes as she inhales the substance and it begins to take effect. Her anger dissolves. His only escalates.
He grabs her by the wrists causing her to drop the remaining substance to the ground. But it's too late, he can already see she is intoxicated.
"What the hell are you doing?He asks her. 展hat about the baby? What the hell did you do that for? Who knows what it's going to do to you, It's not made for you! He shouts.
It's all too late, aside from the fact she has already ingested the Lakka, he can see she doesn't care about what he says. And he finds the answer to his question- what did she do that for? She did it for this- to teach him a lesson, give him a taste of his own medicine as his mother used to say.
Aeryn almost smiles. She feels every muscle in her body relax, she hadn't realised she was so tense, so uptight. She sees John infront of her eyes. She hears him. She feels his hands grasping her wrists. But it no longer feels like electricity burning in her at his touch. His words no longer slice through her heart. The pain is gone. And it feels good.
It leaves him lost for words, he knows words can not reach her now, not his words, and so he loosens his grip on her wrists, and she pushes him aside as if he was nothing, and walks out of his quarters.
John falls to his knees, tracing his fingers through the discarded lakka dust on the floor. What he wants is to gather up all the tiny particles and ingest them, to make his own pain go away, but he realises finally, she is right, he should have been strong, he has to be stronger. He has to go and find out what the hell is in this dren, and what its going to do to Aeryn. He doesn't know if he will get any sensible answers out of Noranti. But he will try and he needs his head clear, he can not afford to be clouded with that drug. No matter how much she hurt him, no matter how afraid he was for her, the baby, maybe his baby, how angry he was, all that fell to the ground as dust. She was right. He should been stronger, he led them into this situation and now he is determined to be the one to lead them out.