Review

Review! Please! You're my only hope!

(Sweenie iss wandewin teh stweets- wait, what?) Fjdlgfohk;gk;f.g;fklagaopswevkjjyeap-MUCH BETTER!

(Sweeney is wandering the streets of London looking for Mrs. Lovett's for free room and board, which she will give. Yesssss...she will give…)

Djaq: Is, what's your problem? Don't you know not to use Algerian font ever?

Iscrit: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (INHALE)HHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!(hyperventilate) Anyways…

(We see Sweeney walking past a very noisy apartment that eternally rains drunken Irish band members. Strains of "Christmas Bells" by The Pogues float eerily around the empty alleyway.)

Sweeney: Augh! Happy music! I feel the need to shower for ten hours!

(We now see Mrs. Lovett standing waist-deep in cockroaches in her shop.)

Most Girls in Theatre: Ewwwww! Bugs! Ugrh... (barf)…blek… (barf)

Random Hygienist: (die)

(A drunken Irish band member named Spyder falls on Sweeney, rendering him unconscious. This prompts Mrs. Lovett to rush out of the shop in mock "concern for the rest of the world.")

Spyder: One summer's evenin' drunk teh hell… (wanders off to Nicaragua to torment Juliette Bridges at 3:00 AM)

Sophie: What is my mom doing in this thing? What do The Pogues have to do with Sweeney Todd?

Iscrit: Shut UP!!

(Mrs. Lovett is now bending over Sweeney, thinking to herself he looks rather like a skunk.)

Mrs. Lovett: Hey! (prod, prod) Wake up!

Sweeney: groan, gurgle, moan

Mrs. Lovett: OOOOOHHHHHH….. (bursts into fast song) thoughtcha was a ghost, pie, sir?

Sweeney: Ghost piezer?

(Mrs. Lovett does not notice, she instead crams a large meat pie raisin into Sweeney's mouth.)

Mrs. Lovett: Gives ya what ails ya!

Sweeney: (gag, barf, fall) I demand you tell me about the disturbing incident of the room upstairs, which I want to rent! (strikes royal pose)

Mrs. Lovett: There was a barber and his wife, and he was SUPRA HAUTE!! But Snape gave him a one-way ticket to Australia…sob…anyway, then Snape changed his name to Turpin and gave up teaching to sentence small boys to DEATH!! And he raped the barber's wife at-

(Sweeney falls unconscious again, holding up a sign that says "KILL ME.")

Mrs. Lovett: OMG!! You're Benjy!! I might die!! Of happiness!! And your overall sexiness!!(faint)

(Sweeney holds up a sign that reads "KILL ME MORE.")

Mrs. Lovett: (rising) Hey, hey! I've got a jar of di-irt, I've got a jar of di-irt, and guess what's inside it?

Sweeney: Shut up potion?

Mrs. Lovett: No-o! Guess again!

Sweeney: Um…Lucy?

Mrs. Lovett: Well, she was anorexic, but not that anorexic…maybe I should become anorexic…Guess again!

Sweeney: Uh…dirt?

Mrs. Lovett: Well, DUH!!

Sweeney: JUST TELL ME ALREADY, CRAZY WOMAN!!(pant pant)

Mrs. Lovett: Okay! Jeez, it's your razors.

Sweeney: ZOMG!! (lunges for jar, Mrs. Lovett pulls it up at the last minute)

Mrs. Lovett: What's the magic word?

Sweeney: Uh…evil rainbow fairy unicorns named Milo?

Mrs. Lovett: Good Sweeney. (pats him on the head and hands him the jar)

Sweeney: Yayers! (cracks jar open)

Mrs. Lovett: You broke my jar of dirt!

Sweeney: (singing to the tune of the can-can) Razors, pointy pointy razors, pointy pointy razors, pointy shiny razors razors razors razors razors, pointy pointy razors, pointy pointy razors, pointy shiny razors razors razors razors…

(This continues for several long and boring minutes.)

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, I've got a great idea! You could move in here and be my husband for all the rest of eternity, oh love of my life!

Sweeney:(does not notice or pretends not to notice) …razors, pointy shiny razors razors razors razors razors, pointy pointy razors, pointy poin-

Mrs. Lovett: You like those razors more than me, oh love of my life!

Sweeney: -ty razors, pointy shiny-What? Of course I likes them more than you!

Mrs. Lovett: But I'm an animate object, oh love of my life!

Sweeney: Quit calling me that already!

Mrs. Lovett: Calling you what, oh love of my life?

Sweeney:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I've got fangirls already!

Fangirls: We were here in the opening credits, oh love of our lives!

(Sweeney proceeds to have a nervous breakdown, and clutches his razors to him like a five-year old with a teddy bear. A pointy metal dangerous teddy bear.)

Mrs. Lovett: What's wrong, oh love of my life?

Sweeney: You.