Trigger Warning: self harm, swearing and generally depressing themes so I will put another mark where the triggering bits end (with a summary) for if you don't want to read it.
It was some sort of sick cosmic joke, it had to be. Percy Jackson. Aboard this ship. Some cruel god was having a laugh right now, not caring about Nico. And it was only a few days after the day when she- when the accident happened. And he was here, so happy the whole time; not even remembering her while Nico could hardly be around people cause the memories hurt so much.
Nico should have guessed - Bianca had told him about Thalia and Annabeth so he should have made a connection. But his mind was always so muddled and pain striken during that week that he hadn't even thought about it.
He was sobbing now, he hadn't sobbed like this for so long. Not since the accident had happened. He had only cried properly once after that, at the funeral but then he had shut his emotions out. He had tried to pretend, for his father, for Hazel, for himself but the reminder of Percy Jackson had broken down his fragile walls, causing the tears to spill over the dam.
He imagined Percy sitting up there, with the others, telling them why Nico had reacted like that. Maybe some of them would laugh, thinking he was stupid. Leo, his roomate, didn't seem to be able to take anything seriously; why wouldn't he laugh at Nico's pathetic story? He had quite liked them, despite the fact they were going to make him strip and he had really been trying to be part of the group. Hazel had caught him a last nights before and made him take his meds and they had talked for a bit. She had asked him to at least meet her friends but she didn't know about Percy. She couldn't, Nico had never told her much about Bianca's accident. And he had felt a bit better. The meds had helped to pull him out of the black hole he always desended into around the anniversary of the accident. Nico had begun to feel like he was alive again.
And then the boy he hated most had appeared. All the pain and other emotions he had stashed away, ignored had been forced to the surface just as his walls were mending. The meds had chased away some cobwebs but when the full wave of pain hit they were useless. Nico felt angry. Angry that the universe hated him that much. It was too much of a coincidence to be real. This week of all weeks; the week his mother and sister had passed away - years apart. The worst week and the worst person involved. The one boy who messed his emotions about so much Nico could barely think. He just wanted to be able to think!
His hands were shaking. He felt numb and cold but at the same time he could feel an anguished scream building in his throat. He felt like he had been shocked but inside him he had an ocean of pain and anger broiling inside. He let the scream out in a shaken, choked sob but it didn't lessen the pain. He needed to let the wash of hurtful emotions out, he needed something to distract him from the cloud covering his thoughts. He barely realised he was doing it but he had stumbled over to his case, hardly opened so far on the trip. He hadn't even unpacked. He pulled out a bag. Hazel had tried to stop him packing it but he had snuck it on anyway. There was a knife and then Nico was running the blade across his arm, red blood welling up in the thin lines. The physical, sharp sting cleared the suffocating cloud in his head slightly; he did it over and over again, slicing through recently scarred skin.
His arm hurt like hell but the choking swelling sob or scream that had been growing inside of him had lessened. He no longer felt overwhelmed by uncontrollable emotions. He leant his head on his knees, holding his bleeding arms away from him, and cried. Large tears rolled down his cheeks and landed on his jeans. Nico could only hope no one walked in on him like this; a bloody, snotty mess slumped on the floor leaning against a bed.
He'd been walked in on before when cutting himself. His step-mother Persephone had barged into his room one day and seen him. Nico got sent to another therapist; one who dealt with the really troubled cases. He had heard Persephone whispering to his father about how Nico was not only a danger to himself but a danger to everyone else around him and his fathers reputation. Nico hadn't been feeling any urges to kill or maim anyone up till that point. There were too many conversations that had been hushed as soon as he walked into the room for him to feel at home in that house.
Then Hazel had arrived, cheerful and kind but nearly as damaged as he. She didn't like to talk about her life before she met Nico but he knew her mother had been abusive. He loved Hazel, not like he had loved Bianca and he had heard too many muttered comparisons between them to feel safe telling her what he did to himself. But he knew that she had guessed that he hurt himself. He took a deep shuddering breath and looked imagined Bianca's face if she could see him now. Shocked, horrified, disappointed. It only made Nico hate himself more.
There was a noise from outside the door. Nico stopped breathing; someone was about to see him. He turned his head slowly, looking round at the door which he noticed was swinging open. He must have forgotten to close it when he rushed in. The open door had banged against the wall; no one had seen him. After several moments Nico let out his breath in a relieved sigh. He was crouching on the floor in a very uncomfortable position he realised, straightening up. Blood began to run off his arm but he stopped it, wincing as his hand touched the broken skin. He felt clearer, scared out of the hole he had been burying himself in.
He washed away the blood and tears and pulled on his aviators jacket, ignoring the burn on his injured arm. He hid the blade underneath the bed and slumped onto the duvet. He didn't know what he was going to do. He couldn't face Percy Bloody Jackson every day for the next six months. He didn't want to keep hiding away like he had been this week but maybe it was the best option for him and everyone else. No one really wanted him around and people around him usually ended up hurt in some way. It would be best if he just disappeared into the background of the ship again. Let Chiron contact his father. Maybe his father would bring him home and he'd never have to see Percy ever again. He didn't want to see him ever again. He really didn't.
End of trigger warning. Nico recognises Percy and connects him with Bianca's death (does not explain the circumstances of her death or why Percy is involved) the anniversary of which was only a few days before - explaining why he hadn't talked to anyone not the ship. He breaks down and cuts himself. He thinks he hears something and goes to look but no one is there. This distraction means he calms himself down enough to clean up and he considers getting himself sent home so he'd never have to see Percy again.
The door was still swinging open which was why Nico didn't notice Leo Valdez walking in until the boy was right by his bed. Nico sat up suddenly as Leo asked, "Hey, are you okay?" He spun round, eyes wide and saw the elvish boy standing in the doorway a concerned expression on his face. "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong. Why do you ask?" Nico said quickly. Too quickly. Leo raised an eyebrow and looked intently at Nico for a moment before replying, "Alright then. Hazel sent me down to check if you were okay. You looked pretty upset when you saw Percy." Nico froze at Percy's name and coldly replied, "I'm fine." Leo nodded doubtfully, his eyebrows raised. They could both feel the questions hanging in the air between them; how do you know Percy, why do you hate him, what happened between you two? But Leo didn't ask and Nico was too stubborn to reply.
Finally Leo broke the tense silence, asking the pale boy, "So, are you going to come back up to the deck for dinner or..? Nico shook his head sullenly. He didn't feel up to facing Hazel or any of the others, especially Percy, just yet. He didn't have it in him. "Oh come on," Leo chided cheerily, "We're stopping at Oslo tonight to refuel. We won't be allowed to shore but it will be good to see civilisation for once, a rare sight on this ship. Anyway, it's Christmas in a few days and Chiron and Mellie are going to be planning the parties and stuff tonight. It will be fun." Nico shook his head and turned away from Leo. He felt Leo stand there for a few moments before shrugging and leaving.
He knew the guy was only trying to be friendly but Nico didn't want friends. It was best for everyone if they stayed away from him and it would minimise the damage when Nico finally decided to go. He didn't need friends.