This is actually a rather good chapter, I've been looking forward to writing it for two years now and I'm rather pleased with how it turned out, although it takes a while before things get interesting. For some weird reason, no matter how many times I worked again on the chapter's beginning, I couldn't write something satisfying enough. The beginning of the chapter doesn't flow as much as I would like it to, but I guess it's acceptable. Besides, the rest of the chapter more than makes up for it, I think. What do you think? You tell me about it. ;)
Fun thing about this chapter: since I myself am not allowed to eat fat food anymore and haven't eaten any pizza, fried chicken, hot dog or poutine (Quebecers know what I'm talking about) in a very long while, I decided to let my characters indulge into some after all the suffering I forced them to go through. Strangely enough, I was the one who ended up suffering for bringing up the subject of such unhealthy comfort food. There is really no justice in this world… *sigh*
Chapter 20
Of realisations and discoveries – Part II
The following morning found Umino Iruka sipping cheap tea as he rearranged his lesson plans at the small kitchen table. Heaving a frustrated sigh, the chuunin glared at his mostly blank sheet. The neighbourhood was silent, the Copy nin was out grocery shopping, the devilish kitten was sleeping soundly on the couch, the weather was cool and cloudy and there were no chores left for him to do. Simply put, there was virtually nothing to distract him from getting these lesson plan changes done quickly and neatly. Yet for some reason he wasn't able to concentrate on them.
Letting out another frustrated sigh, the brown-haired man grumpily got up to fix himself some more tea. At this rate, he was never going to manage to finalize his lesson plans on time. But he guessed that he should be more worried about surviving his next classes than planning them because if he didn't get his focus back on time for Monday, with a bunch of armed six year-olds on sugar-high to take care of, he was probably not going to make it to the end of the day.
As the water was boiling, Iruka massaged his eyes and tried to chase away all those things that were on his mind and had kept him from getting any actual work done in the past two days. Like Kakashi's imminent departure and the end of his peaceful reclusion from the marriage-crazed Konoha citizens. The whole dating disaster. His messed-up sexual life and orientation. The Godaime's stupid mission report he had given up on working on…
At that thought, the academy teacher felt guilt stir in him for purposefully disobeying a direct order from the Hokage, not matter how humiliating and stupid that order was. As if he wasn't feeling guilty enough for letting the Copy nin talk him the night before into stuffing themselves with enough junk food to have a normal man sent to the hospital…
No wonder he wasn't able to concentrate on his lesson plans.
And as if he wasn't distracted enough already by his own inner turmoil, there were those damned pizza leftovers taunting him atop the microwave, begging to get eaten. He guessed he had missed eating fast food as much as the Copy nin in the past month or so because although they had wolfed down two barrels of fried chicken, one and a half jumbo-sized pizza, four dozens of barbecue chicken wings, three boxes of strawberry ice-cream and all of Sakura's Christmas chocolates by themselves the previous night, Iruka still craved junk food like he hadn't had any in months. But he couldn't have the rest of the pizza all by himself without leaving some to the jounin, couldn't he? It wouldn't be nice of him, especially since Kakashi had been nice enough to go grocery shopping for him in order to "get used to living by himself again". Besides, he couldn't possibly eat pizza at 10:20 in the morning; it was still far too early to eat fast food.
The chuunin glared some more at the innocent cardboard box teasing him from atop the microwave. But on the other hand, he couldn't possibly let the Sharigan user eat any more fattening pizza, couldn't he? It couldn't be good for his health, especially after that junk food festival they had had the previous day. As his caretaker, he shouldn't allow any more consumption of unhealthy food on the jounin's part. And it would be cruel to tempt him with pizza leftovers… He should get rid of them, really.
Besides, 10:20 wasn't that early.
Fifteen minutes later, Umino Iruka glared with frustration at his still desperately blank lesson plan sheet as he sipped some cheap tea, the empty pizza cardboard box laying open in front of him. On the bright side, at least now he didn't have to deal with that distraction anymore, but it quickly proved not to be quite the improvement he had expected it to be.
As Iruka was about to get up and throw the pizza box, somebody knocked on the front door. Recognizing the chakra signature of his visitor, the chuunin's scold turned into a hopeful smile and he got up to open the door. Count on Naruto to cheer someone up, and right then he felt like he could do with some cheering up. Or anything to distract him from thinking restlessly about how much of a mess his life was, really.
As he opened the door, Iruka greeted the blond young man warmly, but his smile wavered a bit at the sight the orange-clad teenager offered. His hands stuck in his pockets in a casual way and his posture relaxed, Naruto stood on his doorway with a wide grin plastered on his face – to a casual observer, he was the very image of a cheerful young man. But Umino Iruka knew better. He knew the teen enough to notice those small things that only a practiced eye could see – for instance, the way the chuunin's hands were curled into fists inside his pockets and the way his smile didn't reach his expressive blue eyes, a tale-tell sign. Naruto obviously wasn't feeling as cheerful and laid-back as he pretended to be.
Pretending he hadn't noticed, the academy teacher motioned his ex-pupil to come in and guided him to the living room.
"It's been a while, Naruto. What brings you here?"
At those words, the blond-haired teenager's fake smile widened. "I hadn't seen you and Kakashi-sensei in a while, so I thought I'd drop by and say hi."
"I'm afraid you've got a bad timing, then. Kakashi-sensei is out grocery shopping, he probably won't be back before another hour or so."
"Is that so? That's too bad, really." The ramen lover obviously meant to sound disappointed, but somehow wasn't very convincing at it. It became evident that he had come to see Iruka, and Iruka alone, which confirmed the chuunin's vague feeling that there was something aloof. He guessed something was probably bothering the blonde young man and that he had come to talk about it, which was by all means nothing unusual; Naruto had come and asked for his advice dozens of times before. But he had always been straight-forward about it and had never pretended to be "just passing by to say hi", and this new, unusual behaviour of his left the academy teacher puzzled and mildly anxious. What could have happened to affect Naruto to the point that he would try to put on this ridiculous casual act?
But no matter how concerned he was, Umino Iruka was a considerate man. If his ex-pupil wanted to play it casual, he would play along and let him set the pace. He had long learnt that it was the best way to deal with reluctant confessors.
"So, what have you been up to recently? Any exciting mission or new spar with Sasuke-kun I should know of?"
The blond-haired teenager laughed. "Iruka-sensei, you make it sound like you think I'm still twelve or something! I'm fifteen, you know! I'm not so obsessed about that stuff anymore."
That smug comment made the chuunin smile. Funny, how teenagers tend to perceive their elders as outdated when it suits them. It was one of the things that never changed with the years.
"Sorry, Naruto. I guess I'm getting old, aren't I? So what are you obsessed about nowadays?"
The young man's smile slipped and he looked away. "Well, you know… other stuff."
There was a short uneasy silence and Iruka quickly offered the teen a cup of tea. Relieved by the distraction, Naruto accepted his ex-teacher's offer and insisted to follow him in the kitchen to help him out, no matter how many times the brown-haired man told him that he didn't need help to boil water. When they reached the kitchen, however, Naruto caught sight of the empty pizza box laying on the table and his expression changed.
"Iruka-sensei, are you breakfasting on… pizza?" the blonde asked with bewilderment and a touch of worry that made the chuunin feel slightly uncomfortable.
"No, of course not! It was just a snack – I needed to get rid of the leftovers anyway, they're bad for Kakashi-sensei's health…"
Somehow, that argument had sounded much more convincing in his head.
"It's not like you to have pizza as a morning snack," Naruto pointed out with a frown, looking increasingly concerned.
"Er, no, it's not," the chuunin answered, starting to feel a bit embarrassed under the younger man's intense look. He knew that look, and he knew where it would lead them. And he did not want to talk about his various personal issues right now, and especially not with the ramen-lover, of all people.
"So what really brings you here, Naruto?" the chuunin quickly asked, "Don't tell me you've come only to say hi, I don't believe it. Is there something on your mind?"
The unexpected question obviously caught the younger man by surprise. But to Iruka's astonishment, instead of looking shocked or embarrassed like he had expected him to, Naruto blinked at him a few times before his worried expression melted into a sober and mildly reluctant one.
"…Well, now that you mention it, there might be something…"
The teacher waited some more, letting the younger man set the discussion's pace. After a while, Naruto sighed heavily, looking like he would have wanted to be anywhere else but in his ex-teacher's small kitchen, which puzzled Iruka. It was not like Naruto to look so hesitant and irresolute, even if he had come to ask for guidance. Whatever was bothering him, it seemed to make him quite uncomfortable.
"You see, lately I've noticed… things."
The brown-haired man raised an eyebrow at the cryptic piece of information but didn't further question the teen. When the older man remained silent, Naruto reluctantly sat down at the kitchen table.
"It was that discussion I had with some friends last month that first got me thinking about it." The teen's face then twisted with concentration. "…I don't really remember what we were talking about to start with – probably something perverted, knowing Kiba and his obsession for girls lately. I don't remember what happened then, but I mustn't have been agreeing with them because Kiba and the rest of the guys got all serious and told me that it was not normal not to like talking about those kind of things for a guy like me. 'Holy shit, don't tell me you're gay Naruto'. That's what he said. And then they all burst out laughing and started to talk about something else. Back then, I laughed along with them, you know, I thought it was the funniest thing ever. Me, gay, you know? But ever since, I've been wondering…"
Iruka felt something sink in him as his ex-pupil's story unfolded. He had half expected to hear something like this at some point, yes – but from the raven-haired Uchiha heir, not from Naruto. And more importantly, he had not expected the teen's experience to be so disturbingly similar to his.
"I… I don't really like girls. Well, I don't think I do. I find them pretty of course, but… but not in the sense that Kiba and the others do, you know what I mean?"
Iruka nodded and the blond-haired man, looking obviously relieved that his ex-teacher understood, went on.
"It's not a big deal, I mean, and it might not even mean anything, you know? I thought that since I'm at that age already, it could be just a passing thing – that is, if it is. I mean, I may as well be mistaken for all I know. Maybe I'm guessing it wrong. And even if I'm not, it's not such a big deal, right? I mean, I'm pretty sure people wouldn't mind."
The blond-haired teenager let out a long, shaky breath and smiled nervously.
"Sorry, I guess I'm not making a lot of sense, aren't I? It's because, well... I know that that alone might not mean anything, but you see, er, there's that person too… Well, it's not that I'm in love with him or anything! But, you know, we have a pretty weird relationship and sometimes I can't help wondering what we are and, you know, what exactly my feelings for that person are…"
Naruto stared down at the floor with a mildly confused and pained expression and Iruka took it as a cue.
"It's alright to be confused, Naruto," the chuunin comforted his ex-student, "There's nothing wrong with it. And there's nothing wrong with being gay either."
"I-I know that. It's just that I… I don't want to be gay! My life is complicated enough like that already, I didn't need this to happen to me."
At those words, Iruka couldn't fight back a thin, ironic smile from stretching his lips. "I understand what you mean Naruto. But why do you think it would make your life more complicated? I don't see why being straight or being gay should change a lot of things. People might look down on you for it, but the people who really count – me, Kakashi-sensei, your friends – won't mind. And there's no need for the rest of the village to know if you don't feel like it."
"I guess you're right, but… I-I know it's stupid of me, but I can't help fearing being gay, because if I am, it might screw up my relationship with that person…" Naruto's face screwed up, and he stared at his feet. "I don't know what we are, it's true, but… whatever we have, I don't want to lose it."
"Naruto. If that person is a real good friend, then he will accept you like you are. And since you're not sure what your feelings for him are, there is no need to tell him about it yet."
At those words, Naruto perked up a bit. "Yes. Yes, you're right. I don't need to tell him anything yet. But… but I'd have to tell him at some point, wouldn't I?"
"Naruto, you're thinking too far ahead. You're not even sure whether or not you prefer guys. Figure that out first, and when you have, then you can start thinking about what that person means to you and see whether or not you see him as just a good friend or something more."
The blond-haired teen nodded his head pensively. "Right."
"Besides… I know that that person is very dear to you and that you wouldn't want to lose him, but it doesn't mean that a change in your relationship would turn out to be a bad thing. It might strengthen your relationship, or even turn it into something else."
Iruka smiled knowingly at Naruto and the teen stared at him with puzzlement.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, between you and me, Sasuke doesn't give a very strong 'straight' vibe, don't you think?"
It was definitely fun to go out fishing, Iruka decided. You never quite knew what you would catch; sometimes, you didn't even know if you were going to catch anything at all. And sometimes you didn't. But sometimes you did, and it was always most satisfying when you did catch something - it made the exercise worthwhile. Because the furious blush and shocked outburst that his question triggered was the only answer Iruka needed, and it was one he welcomed warmly since it felt good too see Naruto being back to his normal, exuberant and predictable self. Even if his ears didn't quite agree with that last part.
Iruka couldn't help it. The teenager was looking so shocked and embarrassed and was trying so hard to babble something logical to defend himself that Iruka couldn't help it. He started laughing. His booming laugh filled the small tidy kitchen and the teen's protests died down in his throat at the sound of the brown-haired man's laugh. Looking annoyed, Naruto stared flatly at his ex-teacher.
"So much for being nice and understanding. I'm not even gay yet and you're already making fun of me!"
Stiffing in a chuckle, Iruka smiled at the petulant young man. "Come on Naruto, there's no need to look so upset about it."
"Hmph. Well I'd like to see how you would react if I implied out of the blue that you were gay for, say, Kakashi-sensei!"
This time, it was Iruka's turn to flush and have his eyes popping out of their sockets with shock at the younger man's suggestion. Choking on his saliva, the academy teacher tried to protest and Naruto burst out laughing at the sight his ex-teacher made.
"W-WHAT?! Me and Kakashi-sensei?!"
"Yeah, why not?" the teenager sniggered teasingly. "He's a pretty good-looking guy, and don't we all know just how 'close' you two had the occasion to be in the past few weeks…"
The brown-haired man first gaped, then his eyes narrowed and he glared at his playful ex-student flatly. "You have been spending far too much time with Jiraiya-sama lately, young man."
Naruto laughed some more and Iruka couldn't help but crack a small smile. The blond teenager was so lively and positive it was hard to remain annoyed at him for a long period of time.
They chatted a bit about this and that and after they were done drinking their tea, the ramen lover excused himself. As he walked him to the door, Iruka was glad to see that the young man looked much more relaxed and happier than he had been when he first had showed up on his doorstep and felt relieved that the teenager seemed to be back to his old straightforward and carefree exuberant self. Because a deceptively happy Naruto was just wrong.
As they both reached the doorway, Naruto suddenly paused, looking hesitant.
"Hey, Sensei, about what you said earlier… Do you really think that Sasuke…?"
"That Sasuke what?"
Iruka stared calmly at the blonde and Naruto blinked at his ex-teacher before flashing him a wide, albeit mildly embarrassed smile.
"Never mind."
Waving good-bye confidently at his ex-mentor, Naruto jumped up on the nearest rooftop and disappeared from sight, leaving a mildly amused chuunin on the doorstep. Smiling to himself, Iruka closed the door behind him and pondered on how complex Team Seven's blooming love life was. But that was what being a teenager was about, wasn't it? About pondering and experimenting to find oneself and one's path.
Well, for most people it was.
At that thought, Iruka's smile slipped from his lips and as he went back to his living room and sat on the couch, he mused about the discussion he had just had with the teenager. The confessions Naruto had made and the advices he had provided the teen with had somehow awakened a new awareness in the chuunin and left him with the impression that he needed to reassess where he stood. As he replayed his exchange with the blonde, the school teacher started to ask himself questions.
Had he found his path himself? Up until now, the brown-haired man had always thought that being a good teacher and serving the village was his path. That was the path he had chosen for himself back when he was around the same age as Naruto, when people usually make those kind of choices. He had been content with that choice and that lifestyle so far, but that discussion with the teen had suddenly put things into a new perspective and left him doubtful.
Umino Iruka was 26 years old. Yet did he know himself all that well? Who was Umino Iruka, apart from a mission desk clerk and an academy teacher? What were his goals? His expectations? His dreams and secret ambitions? His hobbies? His passions? Thinking over those questions, the brown-haired man came to realize that all the answers that came to his mind were linked to his work, and not to him as an individual. Because Iruka had always thought that his job and the village came first. And he still did, as a matter of fact. In a ninja village such as Konoha where everyday held a struggle for survival, it was only natural to do so, and everybody put the village first. But his discussion with Naruto had somehow allowed him to see things under a new light and question his own motivations. Yes, it was natural to think of the village first, but wasn't he overdoing it a bit? Everybody was doing sacrifices and working hard, but even by his coworkers' standards he was a workaholic – he had heard them say so on several accounts. And they were probably right too; who purposefully packed their weekly schedules with so much work that they didn't have time left to do anything else than training, eating and sleeping?
No, Umino Iruka was not devoted. He was unhealthily obsessed. It was so obvious it was a wonder he hadn't realized it before. With that thought in mind, the chuunin couldn't help but wonder if his constant focus on his work wasn't in a way meant to keep him too busy to have time to think. What if it was meant to prevent him from thinking too much about himself and question his own life? Had he really chosen his path or had only a part of him done so, leaving the other part behind, forgotten at the crossway? Had he all along just tried to be what other people expected him to be without really bothering to think over what he wanted to be for himself? Back in his teenage years, he had been so eager to be accepted, so eager to get attention and belong to a group. He had decided back then, in what had seemed to him – and everyone else - a good and mature decision, that his path didn't lie in being an attention-seeking trouble-maker but in being a rightful, diligent shinobi the village could count on and be proud of. He had thought that since he didn't have anybody anymore, he would have to become somebody all by himself and stop dreaming about filling the holes left in his heart. He had thought that growing up meant to stop being egoistic and start thinking about others first. He had thought that that was the true meaning of becoming a shinobi, and being a shinobi had been all that mattered. Being a shinobi would solve all his problems.
Back in his teenage years, Iruka had been so eager to have a purpose. His life had a purpose, but did it have a sense?
He had always hated taking vacations. Vacations were depressing because they always reminded him that he didn't have a family, didn't have friends or a lover to go back to when the village didn't need him anymore; all he had to go back to was a tiny, empty apartment filled with pictures of children who had probably long forgotten him and memories of a sad, troubled childhood. Vacations were depressing because they reminded him with every year that passed by that his life had a purpose, but didn't have a sense.
All along he had always tried to convince himself that it was enough, that he didn't need anything else. Even now, he was still trying to convince himself that he was content with his lot. Like when he told himself that he had no reason to feel down because the Sharigan User, who had somehow managed to become the closest thing to a friend he had had in over a decade, was going to go back to his own apartment and his own life and leave him behind. Or like when he told himself that he couldn't care less about his sexual orientation because he was content with his boring, overworked and asexual self and life.
In the end, was Umino Iruka a dedicated, hardworking person or a coward?
But Iruka already knew the answer to that question, didn't he? Hadn't his discussion with Naruto made painfully obvious the fact that he had been hiding himself behind his work for all those years? If not, how can a 26 year-old such as himself be having the same kind of plight as a confused and hormone-ridden experimenting fifteen year-old? It was shameful enough that he was going through the same kind of confusion and questioning as Naruto, who was eleven years his cadet, but the teenager's attitude toward his problem made the brown-haired man feel like a complete immature jerk. Not only was the obnoxious ramen-lover adopting an attitude far more rational and mature than his toward this issue, but he was also more courageous about it than Iruka was. He, for instance, didn't hide himself behind his work and use denial not to have to ask himself embarrassing questions. Instead of refusing to acknowledge the fact that he wasn't sure what his sexual orientation was, he in doubts asked for guidance, no matter how embarrassing it must have been to openly talk about it.
Moreover, Naruto actually had something at stake. He wasn't reluctant about his potential homosexuality just because he wasn't ready to accept himself as a homosexual man, but rather because he was afraid that being gay would alter the complex, fragile yet how precious bond he shared with his best friend. Iruka didn't have such a difficult dilemma and felt like an immature, selfish brat for making such a scene out of something that, in the end, wasn't all that much of a tragedy. What if he was gay? It was not like the whole world would mind. And even if it did, it was not like it would change a lot of things for him.
It was this shame, the shame and humiliation of knowing that even a rash fifteen year-old such as Naruto could act more rationally and maturely than him in this kind of situation, that allowed Iruka to see his life in a different perspective and question the path he had taken, or maybe more accurately the path he had refused to take. And somehow, the chuunin was glad for it. He had thought that he had long learned all the lessons he could learn from Naruto, yet the teenager had managed, once again, to prove him wrong and make him revaluate some of the things in his life he had always taken for granted. Like the fact that his job was enough and that he liked girls.
How ironical that the teenager had come to him for help; of all the people in Konoha, he was probably the most ill-suited to give the blonde any advice when it came to ways of dealings with sexual orientation doubts. Yet, the teen had seemed to feel much more clear-headed when he had left his apartment than he had when he had first come in.
Maybe, the academy teacher mused silently, the real lesson of the day was that it was about time for him to stop putting himself in a separate category and start following his own advices for once. After all, hadn't the words he had said to Naruto made sense? Hadn't he honestly believed in them? His plight and Naruto's had so much in common that all of his advices and reflections were actually as useful to him as they had been to the blonde. Yet instead of using his head to analyze this problem coolly and neutrally like he had just done with the teen, Iruka had put his head in the sands and tried to ignore the whole issue, which was obviously the worse possible way of dealing with any kind of problem. Moreover, how many times had he exhorted his students to remain humans before tools? Yet he himself was little more than a tool for the village, his whole existence coming down to his role as a shinobi. Umino Iruka had dedicated his life to teaching children to be themselves and not to make those kind of mistakes but somehow had managed to make those very same mistakes at every turn. What a fool he had been; so obsessed with making up for what he didn't have that he almost managed to forget what was truly important.
But this would not go on. This could not go on. At the thought of the previous lonely years he had spent doing nothing else but working and training everyday, Iruka felt like he had wasted those years and more than anything, he didn't want to reach the age of fifty only to realize that he had never really lived his life before. He had to do something about it. He had to face himself in the mirror and try to give his life a sense.
At that thought, the chuunin felt disheartened. Somehow, he couldn't help but feel dispirited at the prospect of what giving his life a sense implied. On one hand, he didn't want his life to revolve around work like that forever, but on the other, he knew how hard it would be for him to get rid of his old reclusive habits and his dependence to work and start to go out of his cocoon. He had never been one to like social outings and hanging up with people; he didn't fancy loud and rash behaviour and often felt awkward with other people, especially people he didn't know very well. He really did want to start having a bit more fun in his free time but in this context, going out was quite unappealing and felt forced, and he knew he wouldn't be having fun if it felt forced.
But it was not as if he had a lot of other alternatives. What did other people of his age do to have fun? They hung out together at lunch time and went out drinking together after work. They had parties during which they got drunk, danced, played stupid and loud games and talked about trivial things such as sex and gossip. God forbid, they even dated.
The thought of starting going out clubbing with his loud coworkers on Friday nights was so alien and repulsive to the chuunin that it almost made him twitch, but who said that he had to go to such extremes? Maybe if he took it slowly, one step at the time... Yes, he would take things one step at the time, and see where it would lead him. No need to start getting himself smashed in public every Friday night and hanging out with Genma and the rest of his coworkers. And dating was definitely out of question; he'd had his share, thank you very much.
But his habit to isolate and overwork himself wasn't the only thing Iruka had to change about is life; he realized that his reluctance toward sex – or even any kind of romantic relationship – needed to be looked into as well. Not that he felt very inclined toward it, but as Naruto had made painfully obvious, it was something he should have done years before and that couldn't be put off anymore.
Thinking over the guidance he had given to his ex-student, Iruka decided to stop acting like a teenager in denial and face the whole issue of his undetermined sexual orientation like the adult he was: openly and rationally. Like he had told Naruto, there was nothing wrong with preferring males to females when it came down to partner tastes. And there was no need to rush things either: he wasn't even one hundred percent sure that he fancied men, and even if he did, it didn't mean that he had to start going out men hunting tomorrow night. It didn't mean his whole life would have to change. There was therefore no reason to fear discovering the truth.
Making up his mind, Iruka get up and walked to his room, where he quietly closed the door behind him. Summoning up his courage and putting aside his embarrassment, the academy teacher dig a brown envelope from under his mattress, where he had hidden it in hopes of never having to set his eyes on it again. Frowning contemplatively at the envelope still in his hands, he wondered for what must have been the thousandth time why he had retrieved it from the kitchen waste basket to start with. He really should have thrown it out. Yet he hadn't thrown out the disgusting piece of trash, and by some twist of irony, he was now seriously contemplating going through it. Feeling guilty and embarrassed by that idea, the chuunin looked away, a faint blush spreading on his tanned cheeks.
Frowning, Iruka forced himself to look back at the brown envelope. He was twenty six for God's sake, getting embarrassed at reading porn at his age was just shameful. Besides, it was either that or he would have to start checking out random people. And the prospect of starting to check out people that way was just gross when living in such a small village. If he went that way he knew what would happen: before he would know it, he would be eyeing out people he worked with and saw on everyday basis like Kurenai, Asuma or God forbid, Genma. And he'd much rather go for too lightly dressed yet anonymous, safe strangers; less chances of getting permanently traumatized. Without mentioning less chances of having people noticing and teasing you restlessly about it, which happened to be precisely what most of his bored mission room coworkers seemed to occupy their free time with – teasing people about petty and embarrassing things.
Iruka stared with more determination at the brown envelope. Yes, this was by far his best option, no matter how unappealing it was. With a sigh, he sat down on his bed and with a light blush spreading on his cheeks, he slowly took the two magazines out of their envelope.
---
Hatake Kakashi was feeling happy with himself. He was glad he had managed to convince Iruka to let him go do the groceries by himself; walking out in the village's streets again was truly refreshing for a man who had spent the last month or so under house arrest. The weather wasn't even nice and the scenery wasn't particularly beautiful either, but the jounin couldn't have cared less; the sense of freedom that this walk was bringing him was more than enough to compensate for it. It was good to be able to do things by oneself and not being babied anymore.
Actually, Kakashi was more than a little proud of himself. Only five days ago he had still needed Iruka's help to walk around the small apartment and now he was able to walk all the way to the grocery store by himself, do his grocery shopping and walk back with his purchases. The silver-haired man knew it was stupid of him, the legendary Copy nin, to be so proud of being able to carry a bunch of vegetables and a milk litter around the village, especially since his muscles had been showing signs of fatigue for a while now and that he expected to be exhausted by the time he finally reached Iruka's apartment. But for some reason he didn't really mind. Maybe he had to thank the chuunin for making him realize that there were things more important than being fit for another mission. Things like being alive.
Hatake Kakashi had never been one to highly value his own existence, but spending nearly one month in the brown-haired man's company had made him realize just how fragile and precious life was, and he was feeling gladder to have survived than he had never felt before. In retrospective, the chuunin and his month of common life hadn't been all fun and games; they had had plenty of painful, awkward moments and Kakashi still remembered vividly the days he had spent staring at the ceiling and mourning over his mistakes and his failures as a human being. But unexpectedly, thing between them had improved and somehow, Iruka had managed to forgive him, although the Sharigan user knew that the chuunin probably wouldn't admit it even under torture. He could be such a stubborn little man.
That chain of thoughts made the jounin feel suddenly depressed. In the last few days, Kakashi had been happier than he had been in the past ten years, happier even than he had been back before Team seven broke up and Sasuke went away. Somehow, there was something about Umino Iruka that appealed to him, that made him feel at ease. When Umino Iruka was around, he felt safe. Yet, his happy days spent reading books on Iruka's couch, exchanging casual teasings and playing hide and seek with the brown-haired man would come to an end by the end of the following day, when Iruka would help him to move back to his own apartment and his own life.
He didn't want to go back to his own life. Not yet.
Frowning sadly, the silver-haired man reflected on how ironical his situation was; he was all trilled to be able to go out grocery shopping by himself again, yet it was precisely because he was able to do that kind of thing by himself that he didn't need to be looked after by Iruka anymore and that he would be forced to go back to his cold, empty apartment. For a moment, he almost wished he would still be in bed and need the man's help, but felt ashamed of wanting such a thing; Iruka had a life to go back to and it was unfair of him to want to monopolize it forever.
Kakashi wished that even though they both would go back their own way, they would still see each other once in a while. He knew it was probably not going to happen, but he couldn't help hoping for it. It was not because they had come to rather get along in the last few days that it meant the chuunin would actually want to spend time with him once he wasn't forced to anymore. Besides, Iruka was always busy and almost never had time for himself, let alone time to spend with other people. Plus, the jounin's schedule wasn't exactly that shiny either; when he wasn't training and overlooking Team seven, the Hokage made sure to keep him busy with S-rank missions so he barely had time to himself. No matter how hopeful he tried to be, reality always crashed in and left him grim and morose. But he guessed it couldn't be helped; Iruka and he had never really been meant to be friends.
Suddenly frowning, Kakashi inwardly scolded himself for moping again about the prospect of Iruka and his future non-existent relationship. He was only leaving the following evening, and right now he needed not to be focusing on the future but instead on the present and on more important issues. Like trying to find out what he could do to cheer up the brown-haired man. Iruka was obviously going through a crisis and although the jounin had no clue what it could be about, he was determined to help the man feel better. Admittedly, he probably wasn't the best-suited person to cheer up or give any advice to the upset brown-haired man, but he liked to think that his interventions so far had made the chuunin feel better. After he had somehow managed to talk the Iruka into eating more unhealthy comfort food that any person should be allowed to in one evening, the academy teacher had looked more composed. He had even managed to make him laugh once or twice ever since, but it was obvious that the chuunin was still not himself. He kept on frowning to himself and had the distant look of a man who was too absorbed by his own musings to focus on anything else, and it worried Kakashi. That was how it had started a few days ago, when the chuunin suddenly started to frown a lot and get unfocused easily. After the chuunin had nearly broken down on his carbonized stir-fry, Kakashi had hoped that things would get better, yet this morning found the brown-haired man looking even more unfocused and upset than before.
That was actually the real reason why Kakashi had insisted that he needed to try buying grocery by himself before he went back home. When it became obvious that even fatty comfort food and casual jokes wouldn't help the chuunin to feel better, the jounin had thought that Iruka may need to spend some time alone to think a few things out without having him in the way and had found himself some excuse to leave the upset man alone. He hoped he had done the right thing. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt that it had been a bad idea. What if the academy teacher had another stir-fry crisis? What if he needed Kakashi to cheer him up right now and that he wasn't there? God forbid him, what if he actually set fire to the apartment this time? In his current dazzled state, the chuunin may be a danger to himself.
Feeling increasingly anxious, Kakashi forced his protesting legs to walk faster. How could he have not thought about it? Of course the chuunin was in danger if left alone to himself when he was in this kind of state! How stupid he had been to think of Iruka's feelings before thinking of his security!
But Iruka was probably alright, right? He was a trained ninja after all; no matter how upset and unfocused he was, if he was in danger his ninja training would kick in, right? Besides, it was not like there were a lot of things to blow up in such a small apartment; he couldn't possibly seriously injure himself there. There was no need for him to be so worried. Nevertheless, Kakashi's did not slow down his pace, even when his legs started to feel stiff and weaker under him and it was with immense relief that he reached at last Iruka's apartment building, which was thankfully free of smoke or any other tale-tell sign of massive destruction. Still, he wouldn't be reassured until he saw with his own eyes that the chuunin was safe and sound.
With a bit of apprehension, Kakashi entered the apartment and his senses quickly reached out, looking for any kind of disturbance. To his relief, he found absolutely none; the apartment was perfectly quiet and there were no signs that any kind of destruction had occurred in the last few hours. Iruka was in his bedroom and if his chakra flow was any indication, he was perfectly fine. The jounin let out a breath he hadn't known he had held in; for an awful moment he had imagined that something terrible might have happened to chuunin…! How glad he was to see that for once, he had been wrong! If something would have happened to Iruka during his absence, he would have never forgiven himself…!
Sighing, Kakashi guessed he had been stupid to panic like a mother hen like that; no matter how distracted he was, Iruka of course wouldn't blow up his whole apartment if left by himself for a few hours. He was a trained, responsible chuunin, not a five years old. Yet, he hadn't been able to help feeling worried for the younger men – maybe he was becoming soft, after all.
… The silver-haired man knew it was stupid, but some part of him still wasn't quite reassured yet. Of course, the academy teacher was ought to be alright, but somehow he felt compelled to take a peek at the man and make sure everything was fine. Just a peek. He'd come up with some reason; he wanted to make absolutely sure that the chuunin was physically unharmed. Putting the groceries down on the kitchen counter, the silver-haired man walked to Iruka's bedroom and quietly opened the door.
"Say Iruka-"
His head was barely inside the room that he heard a loud gasp and caught a glimpse of a flushed chuunin quickly slapping something shut and shoving it under his blankets faster than he's even seen someone hide something before – but unfortunately for the chuunin, he had not been fast enough to prevent the Great Copy nin from getting a glimpse. The jounin blinked, surprised.
Well, well. Now, that was unexpected.
A positively aggravated and embarrassed Iruka glared at the silver-haired man angrily. "Can't you even knock before you come in?!" The flushing man barked, "You don't barge in somebody's room without knocking! Get out!"
Kakashi knew. He knew he should know better. He really did. But somehow, he couldn't help himself and before he knew it, the words were out of his mouth.
"How come you can read your porn and I can't read mine? Now that's not fair."
Funny how you learn new things everyday. For instance, Hatake Kakashi had never thought that the tanned chuunin's face could turn such a deep shade of scarlet, or that his eyes could get this wide.
But he had known just how loud the man could scream, though.
"I said GET OUT!!!" The chuunin bellowed in a deafening roar, grabbing the nearest lamp and throwing it at the jounin, who closed the door just in time not to have it smashing into his face. The vase crashed into the door and shattered loudly exactly where Kakashi's head had been only half a second ago and the jounin sheepishly walked back to the kitchen. Yup, he definitely shouldn't have worried so much over the man; Umino Iruka obviously could look after himself.
Sighing, Kakashi guessed he had managed to piss off the academy teacher. Again. Not that he seriously regretted it – the man's face had been so priceless, if it was to be done again he wouldn't hesitate. Besides, he doubted the chuunin would actually hold a grudge against him for it. He was not the kind of person to resent someone for teasing him; he'd simply make them pay back and call the other even. But he figured out he still needed to do something about it – not providing any kind of apology would only make matter worse, and he knew only too well the chuunin had blackmail material against him. To soothe the academy teacher, just an apology wouldn't do; he guessed the situation called for a peace offering of some sort. Reluctantly, the jounin ignored his tired and sore muscles' protestations and set off to prepare dinner.
On the bright side, he told himself, he had managed to get the chuunin to act like himself again. He even started training on dodging things again. This called for celebration.
----
The Hokage was frowning at some official document she had just received from the Sand, deep in thoughts when someone knocked on her office door. Without looking up, she grunted at her visitor to come in. She only glanced up when she heard the door close behind her guest, and when she saw who it was, she shoved the document away – the Sand information could wait, this information she had been waiting for all day was ought to be given priority.
She stared sharply at the man. "Give me your mission report, soldier."
In front of her, the young man snorted. "Oi, there's no need to get so serious. What was this mission about anyway? You told me you'd give me an A-class, confidential mission!"
"Stop complaining already and give me your mission report, Naruto," the Godaime snarled and the blonde huffed but complied.
"I did what you told me to do, that's all. Made up a story about having doubts about my orientation and all that stuff."
"Did he believe you?"
"Yeah, he swallowed it."
The blonde had said those words with a strange mixture of pride and disappointment that made the Hokage smirk.
"What was his reaction?" Naruto shrugged.
"As far as I could tell, nothing special. He looked a bit surprised at first, but he remained composed. Gave me some advice. Made small talk. Walked me to the door. Like he always does in those kind of situations. But you were right; there's something wrong with him. When I came in, he was having pizza leftovers as a snack!" Tsunade blinked at the young man, who looked positively appalled and disturbed by the idea.
"So what?"
"He was having pizza leftovers at 10:30 in the morning!"
"Oh. I see," The Hokage said flatly, making it quite obvious that she didn't have a clue where the teen was heading and Naruto rolled his eyes.
"It's just not the kind of thing that Iruka-sensei would do! What was this mission about anyway? How is this stupid story supposed to help Iruka-sensei?"
"It's confidential; you don't have enough security clearance to know. You should be happy you had any role to play in it at all."
"What!" The ramen-lover shouted. "Why would I be happy about it?! I had to tell Iruka-sensei that crap about being gay! I only did it because you said it would help him, but now you don't want to explain what's going on! Now Iruka-sensei is going to think that I'm gay and I don't even know why! That's not fair!"
The Hokage bent forward, smirking. "Shush. Between you and me Naruto, I'd be curious to know how much of that discussion you had with Iruka was invented."
The teenager took a step back, flushing furiously. "W-Whaaat-?!"
"That will be all, Shinobi," The blonde women cut him, switching her attention back to the Sand document she had put away earlier. "You are dismissed."
Naruto opened his mouth to protest loudly but the sharp, knowing glance the old women gave him positively convinced him against it. Flushing with anger and mortification, the teenager huffed and turned on his heels, leaving the Hokage's office stiffly. As she watched him leave, Tsunade mused on how clueless many of her soldiers seemed to be of late. Clueless, troublesome, but definitely entertaining, she decided with a last smile before giving her undivided attention to the Sand document.
To be continued. Comments are always welcome.