When the first attempt to kill R failed, Janeway half expected Q to pop out of a bulkhead and tell her she'd passed the test and the nightmare was over. It was wishful thinking. This was a task she really did have to carry to completion.

She didn't want to, but she was well and truly trapped into a corner. Seven's words had helped her come to terms with what had to be done. "…we've made a powerful enemy that cannot be stopped without deadliest force." And of course, the threat R had made against her was taken very seriously in her mind.

But Chakotay was what cemented her resolution. She wasn't going to lose him. She couldn't. Perhaps the decision should have been easy. Chakotay's life or a dark alien that would probably kill them all given the chance.

In a way it was. While she was the captain, and fully responsible for all happening, she'd been able to shift the worst of it to Seven and the Doctor. Seven was ultimately the one to do the killing. Well, if the nanoprobes had worked.

Now there was a problem. The simple solution had failed. But as Chakotay spoke about projected bodies and a floating brain, she knew nothing about this problem was easy or simple.

If she was going to bloody her hand's with R's death, she was really going to have to bloody them. The Doctor's admission of also being manipulated sealed her fate.

And though everyone was against the idea, against her, it had to be her.

The preparations were relatively simple. Seven outfitted Janeway with a special glove that would release the nanoprobes once they were in contact with R's brain. The Doctor applied a hypospray to help shield her mind. She mentally geared herself up for what was to come.

But R, even from decks below, kept whispering to her in her own voice. Bad Kathryn. Bad girl. Bad.

She would have lost her nerve if Chakotay had not been there. He was staying true to his promise to trust and support her. He didn't even pry or ask why she was doing what she was. He just kept a gentle presence at her side.

"Good luck, Kathryn," he said sincerely at the turbolift doors.

"Thank you." There were so many things she was tempted to say. She felt as if she were heading to her death and thought he ought to hear her say she loved him at least once. But all the old fears and arguments held her tongue.

Kathryn. Bad girl.

She entered the 'lift and descended, trepidation radiating in her stomach. Once she exited onto the deck, an unexpected silence met her. Perhaps the Doctor's hypospray had kicked in.

Janeway made her way to the brig, flexing her gloved right hand all along the way. The brig door opened with a hiss. From that vantage point, she couldn't actually see R in his cell. But the moment she crossed the threshold, the alien appeared and leered at her through the forcefield.

She was relieved to see she still perceived him as a demon and not someone familiar. It boosted her confidence enough for her to venture into his cell. As soon as she was through the containment field, R took Chakotay's form and shouted into her mind using Chakotay's voice.

Kathryn! Do you have any idea what you're doing?

On this side of the force field, she didn't need to speak aloud for her thoughts to be heard.

You can't fool me this time, R. Take off the disguise.

They began a cautious dance, maintaining eye contact and a certain distance between them. If Janeway concentrated hard enough, R's form reverted back to a demon.

I'm not trying to fool you, Kathryn. I'm trying to free you. Free you from your emotions.

She flinched when she felt the almost palpable touch of R's influence stroke her mind. In response to his touch, the edges of her vision began to blur. She shifted all her concentration to combat the attractive pull. The result was temporary clarity, but she couldn't help but see Chakotay in the cell with her.

Do you remember the future I told you about? Where we can both be happy and in each other's arms?

It wasn't real. You're not real.

Without breaking his pace, R shrugged his arms wide. I'm right here. Of course I'm real.

You're an illusion. A hallucination. Her focus was slipping. R was edging further into her mind. She was helpless as he began numbing her consciousness.

Come here. Come touch me. Know I'm real.

NO! She wasn't going to give up.

Kiss me, Kathryn.

No, no, no! She wasn't sure what she was saying no to. She just knew it was important she keep saying it.

Kathryn!

Chakotay? What was he doing there?

I love you.

It's about time he finally said it. She let herself get lost in his dark eyes before returning the sentiment. I love you too.

He gestured for her to approach him, and she did so willingly, enthusiastically. Their mouths met in a deep kiss. She frantically ran her hands along his arms, his neck, his face, through his hair, clutching hungrily.

Then, something wasn't right. His head didn't feel as it should. There was something along the back that didn't belong. She felt it with the fingers of both hands. It was…a crack?

Awareness flooded her mind. In one fluid but violent motion, she pulled away from R and yanked with both hands at the crack. The result was a sickening crunch that belied a bigger opening in the skull.

Janeway pushed her gloved hand as far into the opening as she could. She felt rather than saw the moment he died. The sludge on her fingers went cold, and a great weight was lifted from her mind.

Her legs could no longer support her. He stomach was going to empty itself. There was no way to stop the onslaught of tears. She would've fainted against the bulkhead if someone hadn't wrapped their arms around her and held her close to their chest.

She struggled to regain her composure and noticed the change in environment as a result. She was held firmly in someone's lap. The surroundings were just barely light enough for her to recognize her quarters. Had she passed out after all?

"Chakotay?"

A thumb brushed tears from her cheeks, and she was answered only by a quiet shush.

When her breathing had returned to normal, she spoke again. "How did I get here?"

"It's one of my specialties, dear."

"Q?" She scrambled off his lap and to her feet. Surprisingly, he helped her do so and arose as well.

Indicating his vacated spot, he said, "You should sit, Kathy."

The sincerity and softness in his tone convinced her to comply. Gone was the sinister Q from the previous few days. In front of her stood a Q full of contrition.

Janeway didn't quite care. "Are you here to finally explain yourself?" she asked, growing angrier with each word despite Q's apologetic face. "Ready to explain why the hell any of this has happened?"

"There's no need to be hysterical, Kathy," Q said calmly. He almost patted her hands, but wisely decided against physical contact.

"You licked my face!"

"Oh that was just as unpleasant for me as it was for you. Coffee!" He stuck out his tongue and gagged to belabor the point.

Janeway practically gaped at him. He was unbelievable.

Q took the hint. Now was no time for jokes. Pain shone in his eyes before he hung his head abashedly. "I know. I'm terribly sorry. I won't make excuses. I just want you to understand what happened."

Q's humility grounded Janeway. Her anger wasn't soothed, but she was willing to hear him out.

He sat cross-legged on the floor in front of her. "It started when R appeared in the continuum. We weren't prepared, not at all. We didn't know what he was. He quickly gained control."

"What do you mean 'gained control?'"

"He corrupted the continuum. The powers of all the Q were hindered so we couldn't fight back. Then he filled our minds with darkness. For a while he used us to wreak havoc, enact travesties. All of us, including Junior."

Possibly for the first time ever, Janeway felt her heart go out to Q as his voice cracked over his son's name.

"I couldn't stand it, and I managed to escape. The darkness remained and my powers were still limited, but I was free. But I still needed help. I had to free the rest of the continuum. You were the first person I thought of. I tried to ask for your help, but everything I did was twisted, tainted by R's influence."

The room was still dark, but Janeway could see the intense sorrow in Q's eyes.

"I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. I would have never abused you in the way I did if I had been myself."

"Why…Why did your plan have to be so awful?" Her voice trembled in spite of herself.

"All I wanted was to get rid of R. The darkness filled in the blanks. Kathy, please understand how deeply sorry I am. I'll do anything to make it up to you. Just name it."

She stared at him, somewhat disbelieving. "Q, this isn't something you can fix with a snap of your fingers. Not unless you can prevent it all from happening in the first place."

"I know that. But isn't there anything I can do to make coping with this easier?"

Janeway placed her face in both hands. "No."

She couldn't see him, but she heard him stand up and felt him rest a hand on her shoulder.

"If you think of anything, let me know. I'll do it right away."

The smell of coffee reached her nostrils. A steaming mug was set in her lap. "I'm sorry, Kathy. I'll leave now."

Only when the tantalizing scent of coffee overpowered her desire to shrink into nonexistence did Janeway move. The beverage was still warm and tasted perfect. It strengthened her enough to be ready to answer her door when it chimed.

Quite predictably, it was her ever concerned first officer. Janeway's heart skipped a beat as she remembered the events in the cell with R. Chakotay had been watching. Probably the whole crew had been watching.

She was sick with shame. If violent murder wasn't enough to shock her crew, kissing R certainly was. She couldn't decide whether it was a good thing or not that she was the only one to have seen R take Chakotay's form.

"Commander?" She used his title on purpose. She needed that boundary.

"Kathryn, are you alright?"

"I…" How could she answer without blatantly lying? "I'm breathing at least."

"You should come to sickbay. Just to make sure."

"Make sure I'm breathing?" She let herself smile slightly.

"You know what I mean."

This stilted conversation wasn't what she wanted, but nor was playful banter, nor intimate soul spilling. What she really wanted was to be alone.

"Have the Doctor come here. I'm afraid the captain will be taking the rest of the week off."