Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling

THE DAILY PROPHET

(17/05/98)

Pure-Bloods never lie

ALL HAIL THE SAVIOUR!

Britain to become world's newest theocracy

Michael Mclean writes.

Those who thought that Britain was heading down secular road are in for a rude shock, after Minister for Magic Pius Thicknesse announced the establishment of a new official state religion- Voldemortism. The announcement came at a press conference at Whitehall yesterday, where the Minister unveiled a thirty foot tall statue of our new Lord and Saviour. The Ministry is to distribute pamphlets to every household explaining the life of our deity. According to the Ministry, Lord Voldemort was created from nothingness and watches over our world. He is omnipotent, sees all and knows all. He created the world and all it's people, and loves humanity although he has a particular affection for Britons, who are His chosen people. It was his personal intervention at the Battle of Hogwarts, swooping down from heaven to crush the infidels, that allowed Ministerial forces to emerge victorious and defeat The Order of the Phoenix. The Minister for Magic also said at the press conference that devout prayer and belief in Lord Voldemort would protect the people from renegade devil worshipper Harry Potter, who is in hiding, believed to be somewhere in Wales, probably having sex with sheep. Our correspondent at the conference also remarked that the statue of the Lord looks a lot like muggle actor Ralph Fiennes, albeit bald and with a flat nose. New laws passed by the Wizengamot makes the embracement of Voldemortism mandatory, and blasphemy of our official religion is now punishable by death. Furthermore, new Hogwarts Headmaster, Viktor Sebastien, declared that lessons on Voldemortism will replace Muggle studies and all students will be obligated to attend. Weekly tests will be administered and any student that scores less than 100% will, in the words of the Headmaster, 'Have their testicles re-arranged.'

A Ministry spokesman told The Prophet that plans were afoot to build five thousand new Voldemortist temples and shrines around the country, while the Department of International Magical Co-operation said that it will be sending missionaries around the world and encouraging other nations to embrace the one and only true faith. All The Prophet staff have of course already converted, and to celebrate, we're giving away free report cards for every reader, where you can write down the names of people who haven't converted and send them to the Ministry, who will then dispatch a couple of goons who will politely break a few legs and explain exactly why Voldemortism is the way forward. Enjoy!

Baby eaters Granger and Weasley denied bail- page 3

Ministry announces plans for biometric identity cards- page 17

Tom Koonan explains why we're better than the French- page 40

Department of Magical Law Enforcement given blanket immunity from lawsuits- page 43