Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling
THE DAILY PROPHET
(15/08/98)
It's not biased if it's the truth
TWO WORLD WARS, TWO WORLD CUPS!
England demolish the Hun to win Quidditch World Cup
Julius Cameron writes.
England erupted into pandemonium throughout the night after thrashing Germany 890-0 at a capacity Voldemort Arena yesterday evening in the Quidditch World Cup final. Before kick off, England expected, and all nine players did their duty and played the game of their lives to deliver victory. England manager Sir Carnassius Blakewell told The Prophet that his boys and girls deserved all the credit. As expected, Jerry is already making excuses for their harrowing defeat and has sent in a one thousand, three hundred and twenty-one page report full of nonsense to the International Quidditch Association citing the fact that their entire playing squad and backroom staff were incapacitated with food poisoning just fifteen minutes before kick-off, that England played most of the game with nine players instead of seven, that none of the twenty-three goals that Germany scored were counted by match officials, that Germany caught the snitch three times also without being counted, that the original match referee disappeared three hours before the game started and was replaced with an Englishman, that the match referee missed nine hundred and forty-six fouls committed by the England team, that England hosted the tournament in the first place after hosting the previous one, and that not a single England player was drug tested. Sounds like sour grapes to us!
Match referee, Harold Arthur, 49, whose appointment to the match was hotly contested by Germany, defended his conduct of the final. Speaking in an exclusive interview with The Prophet from outside his family-owned betting shop, Arthur said that he officiated the final with integrity and honour and that Germany was making a big fuss over nothing.
Meanwhile, the Department of Magical Games and Sports has tabled a motion to the IQA for the games to be permanently held in Britain, rotating each time between the home nations. A spokesperson from the DMGS downplayed international opposition to the motion and said 'It's only natural for countries like Germany and France to whine; it's in their blood. However eventually they and everyone else will realise that the best thing for the game would be for the World Cup to be permanently hosted in Britain. This tournament was an unquailified success. No other country would be able to get as many spectators into seats because no other country has laws forcing locals to buy tickets.'
The Ministry of Magic has announced that a victory parade will take place next Friday. It will consist of an open top bus travelling throughout the country. A spokesperson has urged fans to turn out and congragulate the England team. To boost numbers, Ministers are drawing up contingency plans to lay out free food and booze along the route- all payed for by embezzling money from German state pension funds of course.
Pictures from the World Cup- Page 4
Granger and Weasley have the nerve to plead not guilty- Page 9
Thirty two pages of adverts- Page 11
Wizengamot deems juries to be unnecessary, abolishes them- Page 38
Four Wizengamot officials who voted against jury abolishment killed in freak chainsaw accident- Page 45