Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling

THE DAILY PROPHET

(03/12/98)

At least we aren't French

THE GREAT ESCAPE!

Spawn of Lucifer breaks Granger out of custody

William McDonald writes.

The Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, David Yaxley, resigned in disgrace last night, shortly after confirming the shocking rumours that Hermione Granger, 18, had escaped from Police custody with the help of degenerate Marxist rebel Harry Potter, also 18. Granger and lover Ronald Weasley were in courtroom 1 of the Wizengamot High Court of Justice where their criminal trial for a total of four thousand, seven hundred and nine felonies was in session. A ministry spokesperson made an appeal for calm and released the following statement.

'I can confirm that at around 1100 hours on the morning of the 2nd of December, Harry Potter facilitated the escape of Hermione Granger. From CCTV footage we can ascertain that Potter walked into the court house, somehow avoiding the legions of bored, sleepy, security guards that were on duty, and made his way towards courtroom 1. On the way, he was stopped by a bailiff, who approached him and remarked that he looked like Harry Potter. Harry Potter denied that he was Harry Potter and said that the bailiff was mistaken. The bailiff however shook his head and said that he was sure that Harry Potter looked like that guy Harry Potter. Harry Potter again denied that he was Harry Potter and produced his ID showing that he was in fact LaShawn Carter, a thirty-five year old African-American plumber from Baltimore, Maryland. After extensive analysis we know believe this identification to have been a fraud. However it was a very convincing counterfeit and having fooled the bailiff, Potter then proceeded to make his way into the courtroom, where he stunned the on duty guards. Potter, Granger and Weasley then made their escape attempt. Although Potter and Granger successfully escaped, Weasley was captured during the struggle by Aurors who had rushed to the scene. As a precaution, we are now holding Ronald Weasley in a secure, secret safe house on Chatham Road in Lincoln, where he will be guarded round the clock, except for a fifteen minute gap every three hours when the guards change over.'

As public pressure grows for the Ministry to finally defeat the last remnants of the Order of the Phoenix, the Wizengamot moved swiftly to allay concerns that the Ministry of Magic could not guarantee the safety of the public by passing the Big Brother Act 1998. The act gives the Ministry the power to install CCTV cameras and microphones in every household in the country. Political commentators have given the act a big thumb's up. 'Nothing creates an atmosphere of safety and trust like the knowledge that the Ministry is watching each and every single move that you make and listening to every conversation that you have. With the Ministry watching over me constantly, always, like a guardian angel, I can now live my life in peace without the fear that Harry Potter might break in and rape me,' says Henry Ashfield, a civil rights campaigner.

The Ministry are now offering a fifteen million Galleon reward for information leading to the apprehension and capture of Harry James Potter and Hermione Jean Granger, both of whom most likely by now have AIDs. The renegade duo are thought to be somewhere in the West Midlands, probably scouring the countryside looking for baby deer to beat to death. The Daily Prophet whole-heartedly urges its readers to stay vigilant and always be on the lookout, and reserves the right to claim ten per cent of the reward, even if it's given to someone who isn't a reader.

Pictures of courtroom breakout- Page 2

Office of National Statistics disbanded with it's duties absorbed by the Ministry- Page 7

Ministry revises up Q2 GDP growth from 0.7% to 19.3% and predicts growth of 65% in 1999- Page 14

Wizengamot decriminalises corruption- Page 37

Ministry announces new Department of Historical Revisionism- Page 52