Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling
THE DAILY PROPHET
(29/03/99)
Because Fox News shouldn't have to go it alone
THE BOY WHO NEVER LIVED!
'Harry Potter' declared a hoax
Sarah Atkinson writes. Only joking- as if we'd let a woman write an article.
Rowan Defries writes.
The recently established Department of Historical Revisionism has announced that it has just discovered new evidence that proves that the character of 'Harry Potter' is a hoax and in fact has never existed. Head of the DHR, Anthony O'Shea, told the press, which of course by now consists solely of The Prophet after recent Ministry crackdowns, that after personally checking every single birth record ever produced in the United Kingdom he was unable to find even a single person who had ever been born under that name. Ever. 'There has never been a 'Harry Potter',' O'Shea told us. 'Anyone who says otherwise is blatantly a filthy communist liar. 'Harry Potter' is evidently all one big conspiracy, just like 'human rights' and 'police brutality', dreamt up by lefties and liberals in an attempt to undermine the Ministry. Since all lefties are pathetic pussies, they've created this 'Harry Potter' character to be the fictional figurehead for their cause that they themselves, being such useless scrotum bags, cannot.' O'Shea also added, 'If anyone is still stupid enough to have any doubt, we also have another piece of evidence that one hundred per cent, absolutely, totally, completely and utterly proves that 'Harry Potter' is a hoax, however I don't have it with me and it's kind of hard to describe so you shall have to take my word for it.'
The DHR yesterday submitted a six hundred page report on its findings to the Ministry, and the Wizengamot has promptly passed new laws that bans anyone from having the name Harry Potter, saying the name, writing it down or even thinking about it, unless the thought is about how gay the name sounds. A ministry spokesman told The Prophet that if anybody does show up with that name or looking like what the hoax Harry Potter purports to look like and are travelling with a white, female, young adult with long brown bushy hair, they are obviously a fake and will be executed on the spot by Aurors.
This is the now the third major breakthrough in the fight against left-wing academia unveiled by the Department of Historical Revisionism, just over three and a half months after its establishment. Last month it revealed the shocking truth about how Albus Dumbledore was a traitor who sold state secrets to the Soviets during the Cold War and ran Hogwarts as a communist brain-washing facility, and in January it told us all how the British Empire never really dissolved and is actually still going strong today. In The Prophet's opinion, Anthony O'Shea is certainly doing a good job at the helm of DHR and deserves a nice big fat bonus courtesy of the tax payer, especially now that I've hired an accountant to fiddle my income tax returns.
Top ten conspiracies- Page 3
Readers who don't have a clue send in their opinions on matters they know nothing about- Page 20
Ministry recognises being from Birmingham as a mental defect- Page 34
Richie Tarelton tells readers why they should buy shares in dubious high risk tech start-ups that he owns- Page 49
Epic Wizengamot debate on which is better, tea or coffee, enters seventeenth day- Page 53