Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling
THE DAILY PROPHET
(27/05/99)
Bullshit baffles brains
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK!
Shady bloke in hood crowned Emperor
Mark Ostervander writes.
The Wizengamot was controversially disbanded yesterday, just hours after it crowned a tall shady bloke wearing black robes as the new Emperor of the United Kingdom. The mysterious figure who now rules over us will take the regal name Voldemort I, after our all powerful deity. The act would prove to be the Wizengamot's 139,516,944th and last piece of legislation. Now without a Parliament or national courts system, all new laws will be passed by decree by our new majestic overlord, while judicial disputes will be sorted out by a game of rock, paper, scissors. In unrelated news, 133 former members of the Wizengamot who voted against the moves were found dead yesterday evening, all in completely unrelated instances of natural death by machete. The Department of Magical Law Enforcement are said to be treating the incidents as unsuspicious.
The Minister for Magic, Pius Thicknesse, declared that this event heralded the dawn of a new age of prosperity for Britain, and said that the Department of International Magical Cooperation has tabled a motion at the International Confederation of Wizards for all nations in the world to unite under the British Imperium and to adopt Voldemortism as official state religion. We do however understand that the invitation to join the Empire was not extended to France, possibly because it is full of French people. The Minister for Magic also shrugged off international criticism about Britain's move towards an absolute monarchy, saying 'This entire 'democracy' experiment has failed miserably. Politics is way too important to be left in the hands of politicians. Now everyone can rest assured that the country is being run by a single, authoritarian, totalitarian figure in good faith, without those pesky democratically elected morons messing everything up with their so called 'mandate to govern'.'
An Imperial spokesperson told The Prophet that the newly vacated Parliamentary Chambers will be turned into an as of yet untitled theme park, where the entire family can enjoy such fun activities as worshipping statues of our new ruler, Emperor Voldemort, and laughing at working class children fighting for their lives locked in underwater cages with man-eating sharks. There are also rumours, started by myself, that notorious sheep-shagging criminal Ronald Weasley, who last month was sentenced to 13,934 consecutive life sentences for his role in an absolute shit load of crimes, will be transported from his solitary confinement in Azkaban to the new theme park and put into stocks so that children can pelt him with rotten fruit.
To celebrate, The Prophet is giving away one hundred VIP tickets to the opening of the theme park. All you have to do to be entered in the prize draw is snitch on at least five family/friends/neighbours who you suspect of being communists to the Auror Office.
In depth review and pictures of the coronation- Page 4
Ministry predicts this years budget surplus to be somewhere close to a googal- Page 11
Inflation drops to 67.3%- Page 24
Jamaica converts to Voldemortism after Minstry threatens to nuke Kingston- Page 28
Muggle sports team Man Utd wins Champions League after Ministry officials hexes entire Bayern Munich squad in 90th minute- Page 60