Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter books. All credit goes to J.K Rowling

THE DAILY PROPHET

(15/11/99)

War is always the answer

THERE WILL BE BLOOD!

Communist guerrillas launch uprising

Connor Day writes.

Britain is teetering on the brink of a yet another civil war, the Ministry of Magic claimed yesterday, only months after announcing the official end to the Second Wizarding War. The chilling hypothesis was made by Pius Thicknesse, the Minister for Magic, in the wake of yet another day of civil disobedience by left-wing devil worshippers.

'Yesterday afternoon a group of over one hundred protesters marched on Whitehall,' a Department of Magical Law Enforcement official told The Prophet. 'They behaved in an orderly fashion, caused absolutely no damage and in fact broke no laws however their intent to cause harm is clear. The group claim that they were only going down to Whitehall to pay off parking fines, but we suspect that the parking tickets are an elaborate smokescreen and that the real reason they came down to the centre of our government was to topple it and install an evil, twisted communist regime where watching awful movies and indulging in child pornography would be mandatory.'

Imperial spokesman David Conway added, 'This blatant act of war against the British state will not go unpunished. His Imperial Majesty has appealed for calm and has cited this incident as the reason for the passing of new anti-terror legislation that regulates the movement of terror suspects and heavily restricts their use of magic. And by terror suspects, we mean every civilian in the country.'

The Prophet can reveal that similar incidents have occurred up and down the country. Terrified council workers in Maidstone, Kent, had to call in Aurors after a drunken vagrant tripped over the curb and knocked over a wheelie-bin outside of their offices. The civil uprising was quelled after the tramp was taken out by an Apache helicopter gunship. Meanwhile in Bangor, Wales, two DMLE officers patrolling on the beat were attacked by a rogue magpie. One of the officers suffered a minor scratch to the finger while the other dropped his sandwich, rendering it inedible. After the harrowing attack, the local council immediately declared martial law and Whitehall promptly dispatched a battalion of Aurors to the area to restore order and weed out militant subversive elements. A four hundred thousand Galleon bounty has been placed on the head of the magpie, believed to be known as 'Bumpy' in the criminal underworld, who the Auror Office claims was trained by communist militia groups affiliated with the Order of the Phoenix.

The Prophet has also learned that the illogical uprising is not limited to native traitors. Three French nationals were detained at a pub in Bromley, South-East London, after undercover DMLE agents spotted the trio buying alcoholic beverages. They were promptly arrested and remain in police custody. The Department of International Magical Cooperation has laughed off criticism of the arrests made by the French embassy. A DIMC spokesman told The Prophet, 'The three suspects claim that they were only enjoying a few drinks, but if that is the case then they would have bought pints of butterbeer from the tap like normal people. Instead they brought bottles of vodka, which we believe they were going to turn into molotov cocktails to throw at pensioners and disabled children. We have no actual evidence to prove this, but thanks to recent legislation passed by His Imperial Majesty, unfounded accusations made by the authorities can now be entered into court as evidence. What sickens me though, and should sicken every law abiding citizen in this country, is the fact that these terrorists entered the country on valid tourist visas, making a mockery of our tolerance, fairness, kindness and hospitality.'

The Prophet is indeed sickened by this turn of events and as such is launching a new petition that will be put before the Emperor, calling on Britain to declare war on France. After all, it's why income tax was originally introduced. Even though nobody over at The Prophet actually pays income tax, all of our readers that can't afford dodgy accountants do, so we urge you all to sign. As an added incentive, if you don't sign it, we'll send some Cockney thugs over to sit menacingly outside of your kitchen window!

Pictures of unarmed militants being executed on the spot by Aurors – Page 5

Ministry announces that public spending will rise by 5% next year- Page 19

Ministry announces that taxes will rise by 63% next year- Page 44

Emperor Voldemort orders scientists to make it rain chocolate- Page 48

Ministers launch public inquiry to be headed by Lord Malfoy that will solve age old riddle, which is better, tea or coffee- Page 61