[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to SM
**Butter Popcorn**
This is not a date; I try to remind myself when I apply a second layer of mascara on my lashes. My traitorous heart is beating frantically in my chest, and I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans while I try to calm myself down.
I am nervous and I don't want the reason of my nervousness to find out about it. That would be way too embarrassing. Bella can never know that I like her, like her as in like her.
So, obviously I'm not cursed enough by being a fatty, no, now I have to be a fucking dyke on top of it as well. My face gets warm when I think about Bella and how her pretty face lights up in a smile. She's so beautiful and even if she were into girls, what is very unlikely, she definitely wouldn't be interested in dating me.
This is not a Date. I repeat in my head and after the hundredth time I'm already convinced of it. That is until I open the front door and my eyes capture the beautiful brunette in front of me. She's wearing the shortest version of a black skirt I have ever seen on someone and I instantly want nothing more than to run my fingers up her slim calves to feel how smooth the skin is there.
Knowing that I should stop starring I force myself to raise my head and simultaneously twitch my lips upwards into a probably idiotic looking grin.
"Hi, Bella, you look really nice."
And you sound really stupid…
"Thanks. I would never have dared to wear that skirt on a date with a guy. It kind of gives them the wrong impression or something like that, I guess. Are you ready to go?"
I nod my head and swallow hard, following her to her car that turns out to be a completely rust covered version of a Chevy Truck.
"Nice car."
"Are you kidding me? This piece of crap doesn't go one mile over fifty. I only bought it because it was so cheap and I need to save all my money for moving out from my uncle's house."
"At least you do have a car. My father was so furious when Emmett crashed mine. He says we are both too immature to drive responsively."
"Your brother, yes…definitely. He fucked up Rosie pretty badly. She locked herself in her room with a huge package of ice-cream and some corny soap operas."
"I'm sorry, that he hurt her."
"You don't have to apologize for him being a moron. Guys are difficult, especially at this age. Sad thing is that most of them stay that way even when you assume they have finally grown up a bit."
She parks the car in front of the Movie Theatre and turns off the engine. When she leans over to grab her handbag from the glove box her bare forearm touches against my left knee and an electric current goes straight through my entire body.
"You ok?" she asks, noticing my now much likely crimson red face.
"Yes, sure, I'm fine, just a bit too warm probably."
"Better too warm than too cold, my fingers are icy."
I take her hand between mine and rub it gently for a few moments until a low sigh escapes her lips.
"That's so much better. You are like my personal heating pad."
"Hmm,"
"I have to warn you about the movie. It's probably going to be awful. Edward chose it and he has terrible taste when it comes to stuff like that."
I don't give a goddamn shit about the movie as long as you'll be sitting next to me.
"I'm sure it will be alright." I murmur, stepping out of the car.
The scent of buttered popcorn enters my nose and my stomach starts rumbling. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat stuff like popcorn in front of Bella. I want to prove to her that I can stick to this awful diet.
"Do you want some?" she asks me, and I don't know if I should better laugh or cry right now.
"Popcorn wasn't on the food list you gave me as far as I remember."
"Movies, without popcorn, comes close to a sin. We can share some and don't worry too much about the extra calories. We can run again in the morning."
Oh God, not that sport's crap again…
The movie does suck. It's corny to an extend that it's almost painful to watch it. Bella giggles next to me and her fingers touch against mine when we reach for the popcorn at the very same time. She leans forward and shoves a small piece between my parted lips.
"Good, isn't it?"
I nod my head and swallow without chewing, ending up coughing until she hands me the bottle with the coke.
To my immense surprise she places her fingers on my forearm, moving them down until she reaches my hand and I close my fingers around them. I'm glad that she likes me warming her hand. An almost sickly sweet joy fills me and I can't stop smiling for the rest of the movie.
On the drive home she's very silent and it seems like she's sad but I can't figure out why she's feeling that way.
"Are you alright?" I ask her, placing my hand on her shoulder. She takes a deep breath before she speaks up again and her voice sounds as if she's trying to suppress tears.
"Did you ever wish that you could be rather someone else than being who you are?"
"Sometimes,"
Always
"But why would you want to change? You are amazing the way you are. You are beautiful and sporty and funny. You are the strongest woman I've ever met in my life, so why would you want to be anyone else but you?"
She sighs and steps out of the car, to sit down again on our front porch a few moments later. When I kneel down next to her, she leans her head against my shoulder and inhales deeply through her nose.
"You smell good, Alice."
"That's just the softener my mom keeps using."
"I'm not sure about that. Maybe that's just you. Look, I don't think I'm amazing. I'm thickheaded and stubborn. Jake wanted us to have a baby to fix our marriage but I said no to that. Maybe that was a mistake. I mean, what if he was my only chance at ever finding love?"
"He was an asshole that doesn't deserve you at all. You'll find someone else, I'm sure about that."
"Love is complicated."
"Probably,"
"I'm curious. You told me that you don't have a boyfriend. Have you ever been in love with someone?"
Maybe I'm in love with you?
I quickly shake my head and my face flames when she twists a wisp of my hair playfully around her fingers.
"But you have kissed someone, haven't you?"
"Who would want to kiss me?" I snarl at her, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
"Oh please, don't be mad at me now. It would ruin the nice evening we had. I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable."
"It's ok."
Suddenly her thumb circles very gently over my lower lip and I gasp for air in surprise.
"I bet you'd be a good kisser. Your lips are so incredibly soft."
Slowly, very slowly she closes the distance between our mouths while my heart thrums in my own ears. Eventually, light as a feather her lips touch against mine.
Her hand strokes down my left cheekbone and I part my lips a bit as the tip of her tongue glides tenderly over my lower lip before swirling it against the tip of my tongue. She tastes of salty popcorn and sweet, sugary coke and I love it. I'm somewhere pretty close to heaven when my tongue slips into the warmth of her mouth and starts exploring every inch of it.
Then she pulls back rather abruptly and jumps up from the ground, grabbing her handbag.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me. I shouldn't have done that. We shouldn't have done that. Please forget it. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I have to go."
With that she's gone in a flash and I remain sitting where I am, touching my lips over and over again until it starts raining and I manage to make it back inside the house before getting soaked.
I cuddle my pillow and feel very much like crying. She kissed me but she regrets it. No wonder that she does. I'm fat and ugly. Why would she like me?
My cell vibrates and I wipe some tears from the corner of my eyes. When I see Bella's name appearing on the little screen I find myself unable to press the little green button. It rings for ages until finally the mailbox picks up. She doesn't leave a message though but a few seconds later a new text appears on my screen.
I'm really sorry. Can we please pretend it didn't happen? I feel so horrible. Something like that has never happened to me before. Please forgive me. B.
I hesitate for about ten minutes, re-reading her message over and over again until I type a reply.
It's ok
After pressing the sent button I instantly regret it and quickly type another text.
No, that's bullshit. It's not ok. You kissed me on the lips. Your tongue was in my mouth. I can still taste you all over it and I'm pretty irritated right now. A
Her response comes a few seconds later.
You think I'm not CONFUSED? B
I take a sip from the bottle of water on my nightstand and change into a comfy pair of pajamas before I go to brush my teeth twice and braid my hair to keep it from getting tangled at night.
When I return from the bathroom there's another text from her.
To be honest, I've never been that much confused before in my entire life. I never kissed another woman before neither have I ever kissed one of my clients before. This is SO not me. I don't know what came over me. B.
Sitting down on my bed I type another text, delete it before sending it and keep re-writing it about five times until I'm content enough to send it.
Is it because I'm fat or because I'm a girl that you regret kissing me so badly? A.
I lean my face against my cool pillow and sigh deeply, trying to ignore the pain in my chest while my stomach starts rumbling unpleasantly. I'm not sure if I'm hungry again or if that's just because I'm so terribly tensed and nervous.
Her answer arrives a few minutes later and I'm almost too chicken to read her message.
Stop calling yourself fat, I can't stand that. You are beautiful, inside and outside, point. And I do regret kissing you but not for the reasons you think I do. You are a minor and technically I work for your father. Everything is so complicated. I'm such a mess right now. I don't know what to do. B.
My hands are trembling slightly when I write a reply.
Whatever is or not is between me and you is SURELY not my father's business. And things are just complicated because you make them seem complicated. Try to sleep now, it's already past midnight. Good night, Bella. A.
I close my eyes but I find it difficult to fall asleep while I'm still so agitated. My lips seem to be puffy and swollen from the kiss. My first kiss, my first kiss with Bella, I think and with tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips I eventually tumble into a restless dream.
She is in it and whether I'm awake or asleep, my heart, in a wondrously way is already hers…