[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to SM
**Mint Chocolate Cookie**
My entire mouth is unpleasantly cold now. Way colder probably than the half-emptied family package of delicious mint chocolate ice cream I managed to eat within the last ten minutes. Mom knows that I can't endure having stuff like that in our house. It's like the ice cream is somehow secretly calling to me in my head, seducing me with the sweetest voice ever.
Just one tiny spoon full, Alice, you know you want to. Just one tiny spoon full doesn't make you fat.
How right for it's the second, the third and all the other ones that irrevocably follow once my taste buds make contact with the first hint of melting ice cream on my tongue.
I dip the spoon into the creamy mass, lifting it to my lips one more time. My stomach hurts and deep inside my head I'm aware that I already had way more than it is good for me.
The problem is I can't find the strength in me to stop. This day is already screwed – diet technically – and so I continue to eat until the last bit of the ice-cream is gone and I'm close to throw up right over the kitchen table.
Taking several deep breaths and fumbling the button of my jeans open, I curse myself.
I hate myself so much for being so weak, but there isn't much I can do about it. Nothing can change who I am.
My eyes capture the time on the watch around my wrist. I hate being all by myself but Mom is doing some furniture shopping with Emmett. She obviously thinks he needs to turn Jasper's shitty place into a comfy home as long as he decides to stay there. I hope it won't be for long for I miss having him around way more than my brother actually deserves it.
The phone rings and I stand up from my chair, throwing the empty package of ice cream into the trash under the sink where I hide it under some potato peelings.
God, I'm so pathetic.
"Hello,"
"Hey, it's me." Bella's voice greets me cheerfully on the other end of the line.
"Hey,"
"What's wrong with you? You sound sad."
"It's nothing." I mumble, leaning my head against the glass of the kitchen window. My stomach hurts. Maybe it would help me to feel better if I made myself sick. No, I can't do that. It's too gross.
"Alice, are you still there?"
"What? Oh yes, yes…was just in thoughts."
"You can tell me if something is bothering you. I'm your friend."
Your friend? I thought we had skipped that part already. The way I feel about her goes way beyond friendship. She's so beautiful and the way her mouth feels against mine. Oh sweet heaven…
XXXX
When Bella enters my house half an hour later, I try to do what everyone with a bad conscious would do, hoping no to get caught.
"So, what did you do today until I showed up?" she asks, me, running her fingers through my hair while we sit on the couch, her head resting in my lap.
"Nothing, well I did some stuff for school I had to finish."
Slowly I lean down to plant a very gentle kiss on her lips, suckling the lower one between my front teeth. I think of all the other people she might have kissed before me and I wonder if my curiosity is somehow making up for my lack in experience. Well, at least to a certain extent.
"When I called you, you sounded sad." she stats when we eventually break the contact of our mouths.
"What does it matter? I already told you it was nothing, so stop asking."
She cups my face in her right hand, circling her thumb over my cheek before twisting a small wisp of my dark hair around her fingers.
"You can tell me anything. You know?"
The tears come, traitorous and with so much force that a loud sob escapes my throat. I don't want her to see me crying. It is so embarrassing.
"Baby? What's wrong with you? I don't like you being so sad."
"My parents are getting a divorce because Dad had an affair. They don't talk to each other and Em is so pissed at Dad that he moved out. I hate all of this so much. It's stressing me and when I'm stressed I tend to eat lots of stuff that is not good for me."
"This is about your diet?" she asks me, wiping the smeared mascara from my tear-covered face in a gentle caress.
"I fucked up. I…I…well, I don't want to tell you, it's too embarrassing. You will think I'm so weak, that I have zero to none discipline at all."
"Nonsense,"
"But I…I…ate an entire package of ice-cream. It must have been like 10.000 calories or something close to that."
"Was it good?"
"What?"
"Did you like the ice cream?"
"Yes…no…well, I'm not so sure anymore. I feel too guilty."
"Don't feel guilty. I don't want you to. Everyone gets cravings now and then. That's normal and doesn't mean you are weak. Try to relax a bit. This is not a contest."
"But I have to lose the weight. I'm too fat, way too fat." I mumble, wiping my nose on a crinkled tissue I pulled out of the pockets of my jeans.
"There are a lot of people out there who are way more overweight than you are."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I snarl a bit too harsh, while I try to stand up from the couch. It's not working because Bella grabs her arms around my middle to pull me closer against her chest. Taking a deep breathe, I inhale the sweet scent of her skin. She smells so good to me it should be forbidden.
"I wished I could make you feel better. You are so tensed about this whole weight loss thing. That's so not worth it."
"I don't know. I've never been thin, probably not even when I was a baby. No wonder my—," my voice breaks and I swallow hard, trying to fight back the unpleasant thoughts from rising up again. They are too painful.
"No wonder what, Alice?" she whispers, gently caressing my head with her fingertips.
"No wonder she didn't want to keep me, my birth mother, I mean. She didn't want me. She didn't lo…love me. No one will ever love me the way I look."
A sound, pretty close to a growl leaves Bella's mouth before she presses her lips against mine so roughly that it knocks the breathe out my lungs for a moment. Her velvety-warm tongue swirls in my mouth, up and down and around my own tongue until every cell in my body is prickling.
"I like you. I like you a lot. Never doubt that."
"I like you too. Well, I think I do more than just like you but I…I'm not sure. I've never been in love with anyone before."
Her cheeks blush and the glow makes her beautiful pale skin so very gorgeous.
She leans forward to kiss me again, slowly this time and so incredibly tender.
"I want you to come and talk to me the next time you feel bad."
"I will,"
"Promise?"
I nod my head and when I hear the key turning in the lock I jump from the couch.
"Oh I didn't know you were having another training lesson. How's the diet going?"
"Is that all that you care about, Dad? Sorry, to disappoint you by still being fat, despite the money you are investing in it."
"Alice, I know, the situation is difficult for you but you don't have to—,"
"Don't tell me what to do! You ruined everything."
"Alice, calm down. Bella, tell her to calm down."
"No, I won't. She's angry. She has a right to be angry. You always want her to be sweet and kind and swallow back any kind of negative emotions that she may have. Have you ever thought about why she is overweight?"
"I'm not responsible for her being too heavy. Alice has weight problems because she couldn't say no to a piece of chocolate if it would kill her. When she was little she used to hide candy underneath her bed, in her closet. God, even in that silly Barbie house Esme bought her."
"And why do you think she did that? I will tell you why. Alice is trying to eat her feelings."
"Missy, I haven't hired you for this psycho crap. She needs to stop eating unhealthy and start working out. That's the reason why I hired you, if you remember, Miss Swan."
She gasps for air, pulling a small piece of paper out of her handbag.
"Keep your shitty money. I'm done with this job. You don't care about what's good for your daughter or what makes her happy."
She's out of the house within the blink of an eye and I remain right where I am, frozen and unable to move.
"Alice! Are you coming with me?"
I grab my handbag and my jacket, stepping into a pair of silver colored flats before I follow her.
Inside her truck, she is trembling so much that she has to stop the car around the corner. Her breathing comes out raggedly when I pull her against my chest.
"Tell me I did not just quit my job."
"Would it make you feel better if I did that?"
"For a short period of time it would work, probably."
I kiss her forehead, then her cheeks and finally her lips, parting them with my tongue as I start exploring her mouth.
"I can't believe you did that."
"Me too,"
She starts the engine again and I rest my head against her shoulder until we are in front of her uncle's house.
"Did you really mean what you said?"
"I can write it down for you that I like you if that helps you believing me."
"That's not what I meant. You told my Dad I'm eating my feelings."
"Oh that. Yes, I think it's true and it worries me."
"It's nonsense."
"No it's not. You need to find other ways to deal with being upset apart from eating."
"You have to say that. I mean you are like a fitness goddess and I'm a stupid, fatty."
"No one has ever called me a goddess before. Look, I like you. I like you for being you. If you want to lose the weight, I'll help you. Jeez, I have been trained to get people in shape. I'm not trained in having a relationship with another girl. I'm scared of messing things up."
I kiss her, twisting my hands into her hair, fisting through the silkiness of it until I feel her hands around my own middle, the tips of her fingers slipping under the hem of my shirt. For a split second they touch bare skin. Then she notices that I have stopped kissing her and instantly drops her hands.
"Sorry, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
"It's not like I don't want to. I'm just worried about your reaction on feeling…or even worse seeing all of my body."
"Alice, I know you are not thin. It doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I just made you feel bad when I touched you."