Fire Nation Guard #1 (1x02 The Avatar Returns)

Join the Fire Navy! they said. See the world! Well, I guess I didn't have much else planned. And service is mandatory for anyone over the age of 16, anyway, so I said to myself: why not?

Actually, I said, "Not a snowball's chance with Ozai." Because, frankly, the Navy doesn't have the best health plan, the standard treatment for everything from foot fungus to diarrhea being either "amputation" or "mercy killing." And my equilibrium's so bad, I can't even roll fire-flake dough without getting motion sick.

But then my mom said to me, "Kiki," (my name's Pui Ho, but Mom's memory hasn't been too good since the accident), "Kiki, you need to do something with your life! You can't just sit around here, waiting for something to come along. You need to get out into the world and make a difference! Just look at your brother Heji and how much honor he's brought this family."

"Mom," I said, "I don't have a brother. You're talking about the lizard-dog, and all he does is lick himself."

"At least he has goals, Kiki."

Now – like I said before – the government pretty much requires me to serve for ten years anyway (even dying doesn't get you out of it; they just demote you for giving up too easily). So I was going to the Army or the Navy, no matter what. Then I got to thinking, well, hey, three meals a day, snazzy-looking death-masks? Twenty-four-hour-access to all the fish I can eat? That doesn't sound too bad. And the Navy gave me this very nice brochure filled with tropical beaches and pretty girls in heavy make-up, which made up my mind right then and there:

I was going into the Army. (Seriously, no one wears that much make-up unless they're hiding something.)

Unfortunately, reading wasn't my strong suit back in school, and the characters for 'army' and 'navy' look a lot alike, and, besides, the Army Registration Officer was a burly fellow with three teeth and tattoos the size of my head…

…anyway, long story short, I ended up in the Navy. Which wasn't all that bad, I guess. In basic training, my commanding officer really liked me, so I only spent two hours a day scraping barnacles off the ship, rather than the requisite four. And at dinner, I'd always get a double-helping of barnacle sashimi (though, as I learned quickly, about one helping is all you really need or want).

Then, much to my delight, I got assigned to Prince Zuko's ship. What an honor! What a blessing! Not only would I be schmoozing it up on the Fire Prince's Private Party Boat, but my chances of seeing the front lines were about as good as General Iroh's chances of seeing his toes again.

Soon, though, my new bunkmate Li cleared up a few things for me. "You haven't heard, Kiki?" he said (my mom sent a care package during basic training, forever branding me). "Prince Zuko's been exiled. He can't return home until he's found the Avatar."

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't fault the guy. It's not like he chose to get his face mutilated by his own dad, and honestly, if I had those family issues, I'd probably find the farthest, darkest hole I could and just hide there until I was sure my crazy sister wasn't going to kill me.

And, you know, as my mom would say – at least he has goals.

But it's easy to say those things when you aren't freezing your topknot off in the middle of some vast, icy wasteland, waiting for a 100-year-old dead guy to thaw his way out of an iceberg and plop himself on your deck.

See, that's funny. Because that's what happened.

And it'd probably be funnier if the 100-year-old dead guy actually had been dead, or a 100-years-old. Or, you know…not the Avatar. But as it was, I just got smashed into a wall by a 12-year-old bald kid with both hands, literally, tied behind his back.

"He probably just caught you by surprise," Li said, which I thought was a pretty stupidly obvious statement. He's twelve. And tied up. I don't think there was anyone more surprised than me.

But I try to look at it this way. I did get to meet the Avatar, and I do look pretty neat in my death mask. And apparently we're now headed for Kyoshi Island, where those make-up girls live.

I mean, how bad could they really be?