Chapter 22

I wake up in my own bed with no distinct memory of the procedure, and no recollection of the actual false memories Mindbender removed. All I remember is thinking he'd been right about the procedure being painful, and that I had some kind of false memories, sent by the Order, that were invasive and disturbing. What they actually were, I have no idea anymore – something I'm very grateful for.

The first thought that strikes me upon waking up is that I need to find a way to bring my brother back to his senses without having to put him through this kind of treatment. The second is that I can't wait to get back at the Order, and since I also have a duty to avenge my family, this translates into my being impatient for another chance to fight GI Joe.

Thankfully, the Commander obliges very quickly for once. I find out at breakfast that we are attacking the Pit on that very day.

The return to the fortress is less than triumphant. The Joes have had some losses, but we've lost at least twice as many men as they did and we did not find the information the Commander wanted. I'm particularly frustrated because I had barely gotten started on the Joes when Snake Eyes engaged me, and I spent most of the rest of the fight blocking his attacks while trying to reason with him.

I escaped without serious injury, but I've made no progress on bringing my brother around, I didn't even come close to capturing him, and because he intercepted me almost as soon as we got to the Pit, I've only managed to kill one of the Joes.

The third year anniversary of my waking up with no memories but with my freedom finds me locked in my room, thinking on how to proceed from here.

Three years, and I have basically accomplished nothing at all. Every time we fight GI Joe, Snake Eyes is there and he effectively neutralizes me until we retreat. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, I manage one or two kills before he actually reaches me, and that's it. Each time, I try everything to convince him the memories he thinks he has are false, and as far as I can tell, I fail completely.

The Commander doesn't seem to mind, which seems to indicate Destro was right about his mainly being interested in my preventing Snake Eyes from killing him or dozens of his troops.

I, on the other hand, definitely do mind. The Joes can hire new soldiers quicker than I can kill them, so at this rate, I'll never fulfill my oath to see them all dead. The other promise I've made myself, to save my brother, is going just as badly. And to top it off, the Order has continued to implant fabricated memories into my head and I have to get them removed by Mindbender on a regular basis. It feels like it will never end, like the Order will just keep trying until they wear me or Mindbender down.

This can't continue. I can't just let the Order continue to try and eventually succeed in brainwashing me, but I have only one way of stopping that – since I'll never be able to eliminate the Order completely, I have to die. I don't mind the idea all that much, but I have my conditions.

I must avenge my clan. My original plan to kill everyone in GI Joe and every one in charge of them within the Order still stands. I will not allow death to claim me before my family has received justice.

I also want to free my brother, and this objective is tied to the first one. As long as Snake Eyes opposes me, I can't have my revenge. The question I have to face now is how to go about setting him free. I've tried everything to convince him he was being misled; I ran out of ideas on how to do so over a year ago, and I've only been repeating myself since. Nothing I've said or done has had any effect at all.

To think that I was so optimistic after the first few times I met him… he was listening, he accepted a truce, and he even did something that he thought was saving my life. With hindsight, considering his complete lack of progress since and his repeated attempts at trying to convince ME that I'm brainwashed by Cobra, the behaviour was simply arranged by the Order precisely to lead me to believe I could save him and to make me lower my guard around him.

Since I can't bring him back by talking to him, the only way I have left to save him is to capture him and let Mindbender have a go at him. I've been trying to do just that, but no matter how much I train to increase my strength and speed, he stays better than me. Of all the times I've fought him, I haven't managed to get the upper hand once. His technique is flawless and he's always pulling moves I've never seen before, and although I think I may be a bit stronger than he is, he remains faster than me.

To be honest, even if I did manage to defeat him, I'm pretty sure bringing him to Mindbender would accomplish nothing. I have some remnants of memories left and I have no false ones, yet Mindbender can't bring back the rest of my memories. It's painfully obvious that although he'd be willing to try, he would not be able to restore Snake Eyes. My brother has also had his false memories for years, and Mindbender keeps telling me not to delay seeing him when I get some because the older they are, the harder they are to remove. I've long since accepted the obvious conclusion that Snake Eyes' false memories cannot be erased; the only way to get him back would be for him to regain his true memory and sort out himself what is true and what is false – and I know from personal experience that Mindbender cannot rebuild memories the Order has erased.

I spend the next hours going back and forth between the thoughts that I can't talk him back to himself or bring him to Mindbender and that Mindbender wouldn't be able to help him anyway; looking for hints that I might have missed that would indicate our conversations are having a little bit of effect; giving myself headaches trying to remember things from my own past in an effort to make myself believe Mindbender's treatments are at least working a little bit on me. I find no hint, I remember nothing, and by the time I notice night time has arrived, I can no longer deny the truth: Snake Eyes only has one way out – the same one as me.

If I want him to be free, I have to kill him. As soon as I allow the thought to form, I go right back to desperately looking for something, anything, that could make me believe again that I don't have to take the life of the very last family member I have.

Somewhere around dawn, my thoughts drift by themselves to whether or not I even CAN kill him. I've never even gotten close to winning a fight against him, but I've never actually tried to hurt him. If I did, I'd be bound to get a lucky hit eventually or an actual opening, and I wouldn't need to temper my hits, unlike each time I've tried to merely capture him.

I start running fight scenarios in my mind. As soon as I hit one where I'd win and he'd die as a result, I feel the blood draining from my head and I fall to a sitting position, breathing hard.

I try again to go back through all our encounters in the past three years, digging for some small reason to believe I can still save him. I find none.

I concentrate again on my own memories, calling back full sessions with Mindbender and desperately trying to convince myself they've triggered some memories, no matter how small or insignificant – nothing. All the sessions have ever accomplished is to try my patience and my will to remember.

I clench my teeth and pound the floor, furious at the Order for what they've done, at my brother for not being able to fight it off, at Cobra for not being able to undo it, and at myself for being so resistant to doing what needs to be done.

There is no way around it: I can't avenge my clan as long as Snake Eyes stands in my way, and I can't save him – as long as he lives, he will be the Order's puppet. For both these reasons, he must die. I need him out of the way to be able to kill the rest of GI Joe and ending his life is the only way to give him back his freedom. As a spirit, he'll be back to his true self, I'm sure of it. What's the point of prolonging his life when he's only a prisoner in his own body and mind?

I spend the next while repeating those arguments to myself. Every now and then, I go through a fight in my head, where I win and kill him, to test whether I'll actually be able to go through with it. Each time I do that, my mind revolts so strongly as to make me feel physically ill and I go back to trying to reason with myself and rid myself of any doubt, hesitation and regrets.

I'm not sure how much time I spend doing this before I'm interrupted by Destro banging on the door. I debate ignoring it, but I was about to run through a killing scenario again and I prove to myself that I'm still not ready to do the actual deed by purposely answering the door just to put off imagining myself murdering my last brother again.

Destro looks sulkier than ever when I open the door. "The Commander is worried about you. He says you haven't been seen since Tuesday."

I stare blankly at him for a second, the meaning of his words taking a moment to cut through my own thoughts. Further ruining any attempt at dignity, my stomach growls.

"I'm trying to work something out," I say. "What day is it now?"

"It's Thursday morning," he says, obviously bored. "He figures you're meditating or some such. He wants to know what about and couldn't find anyone else willing to bother you. He's expecting you in his office now."

I sigh. I could really do without this kind of interruption, and I had not intended to reveal my intentions to the Commander; I'm afraid he'll only complicate things by trying to stop me or talk me out of it. The last thing I need right now is someone providing me with an excuse to ignore reason.

"I don't want him whining at me if you don't show up," Destro adds. "If you're not going, can you at least tell me now so that I can send someone else to let him know your answer and make myself unavailable to his rantings?"

I wave the possibility off. The Commander would just come marching in here himself, and instead of being interrupted once, I would be twice.

"I'm going."

He nods and stalks off.

The Commander is waiting for me in his office, pacing.

"Why did you lock yourself in your room?" he asks the second I'm in. He sounds like doing this was the most horrible thing I could possibly have done.

"You didn't request my presence," I remark. "I just need some time by myself. I had no idea this would cause you concern, given that I took the time to see Mindbender the day before."

"Sit down."

He takes a chair himself and I sit down too.

"So you need time. Why?"

"Well…" I stammer. I really don't want to discuss this with him. I don't want him to try and talk me out of it, and although I know it's silly, I want him to agree with me even less.

"You can't keep this for yourself, Storm Shadow. You know your mind is in constant danger. I need to know what's going on inside it that prompted you to isolate yourself without food or, by the looks of it, sleep for over 48 hours."

I sigh.

"I'm trying to come to a firm decision on what to do about Snake Eyes," I finally admit.

"After three years, I think it's clear that the best you can do is to neutralize him when we fight GI Joe. Or have you made progress towards bringing him to our side that I'm not aware of?"

I shake my head.

"He neutralizes me just as much as I neutralize him and no, I haven't."

"I've mentioned before that it may be best to put him out of his misery."

I clench my teeth and lower my eyes. "I've reached the same conclusion."

He nods. "I realize it's a painful decision to come to. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I'm not ready yet. I need more time."

He nods again. "Very well, but I order you to sleep and eat. I'll send Mindbender to check on you every now and then. Do NOT deny him entry or refuse to talk to him."

I resist rolling my eyes in annoyance and give a curt bow instead before getting up and leaving.

Author's notes:

Remember a whole bunch of chapters back, I skipped 8 years because not much happened of interest during those eight years and I didn't want to put you to sleep? The three years skip here is for similar reasons, except I was picturing more screams directed at Tommy and blunt objects flying towards computer screens and less falling asleep as such.

Yep, he's still totally oblivious 3 years later. It shouldn't be a surprise: the Commander and Mindbender are both completely insane, but they are also both geniuses (this is inspired by the comics, not the cartoon) and the Commander in particular is very determined to make sure Storm Shadow stays under his control. So, will Tommy ever break free? Will he kill Snake Eyes? You don't really expect me to tell, do you?

Next time: someone tries to kill Cobra Commander, and Storm Shadow… helps that person escape?

The bonus this week is a bit of silliness set way back in the War. Tommy is being a bit frustrating right now, so I thought I'd write a scene where he's a bit more endearing (to me, anyway, not that it takes much…).