Note on last chapter:
A few people wondered what the Hard Master meant in that flashback when he said students like Tommy ruined their teachers. For anyone else who wondered but didn't ask, here's what I answered:
Tommy was considered a prodigy all his life, not because he learns very fast or because he's super strong, agile or fast (by ninja standards) but because he never needs to review anything: once a move is learned, it's in his muscle memory and it stays. This is exactly what Billy doesn't have, and why he could do a move the previous week but lost it again for lack of practice. Never having experienced that himself may be part of the reason Tommy 'forgot' students need to keep practicing acquired skills.
Students like that ruin their teachers in the sense that when you have a student that never needs to go back and practice things over and over again, and who never forgets lessons learned, your other students become a source of frustration because they still do. The Hard Master believes the Seeing Master left because they were trying to make him accept more students and he didn't want to have to start dealing with the repetitive nature of training normal students again. Tommy's memory is a family thing, so this has happened within the clan before.
I couldn't make the Hard Master explain it, because then Tommy would have found out before he was an adult about just how unusual his memory and muscle memory was, and I would have had to rewrite the first few chapters.
On to chapter 26.
Chapter 26
Calm down.
Between my father, my uncles and several other teachers, not to mention a few other clan members, including fellow students, I must have received this particular piece of advice at least twenty times since this morning.
It's not that I don't want to do just that, but I can't even begin to imagine being able to. I'm trying anyway, because I know they're right, but I just can't: my blood is boiling in anger, and I don't even care if I get hurt, I just want to kill as many of them as I can. The Akai invaded our home, they're attacking everyone indiscriminately, they've already killed nine teachers, most of whom have taught me at one point or another, twenty students, and eight staff or family members, and they're trying for more.
They've already paid for those lives with at least as many of their own: I've only taken out seven myself, but Father's a whirlwind of blades on the ground, and blood just seems to spray everywhere he goes. My uncles and my aunts are in the fray as well and even to me, they're just blurs.
On my right, one of my brothers huffs at me.
"Are you shooting or what? You got tons of arrows left!"
I clench my teeth. How dare he suggest I'm not trying my best? Just because I'm not wasting my arrows unless I have a shot… a glance reveals HE's out of arrows: he must have been doing cover fire.
"Unlike you, I can actually AIM, so I've been told to snipe, not to provide cover fire," I hiss under my breath. "Here." I hand him my quiver. "I'll go get some more."
I put my bow down and take off. I hear him urgently whispering at me to wait but I ignore him. I know he's going to offer to go himself but I'm not having any of it – he's just provided me with the perfect excuse to leave my perch, get at ground level, and with any luck, run into a few Akai. The bow may be my favourite weapon, but right now, I'm more in the mood for closer range combat and for being able to attack without worrying about hitting my own kin, who have exhibited a rare talent in getting between me and my targets.
I hear some commotion from inside the armoury and start running harder. There's a fight in there, and neither the blacksmith nor his family are fighters, so I'll get to dispose of the enemy ninjas myself.
I'm almost at the door when I hear her: Amaya-chan, the smith's 8 year old daughter, lets out a piercing scream that stops as abruptly as it started, replaced by her father's howl. I try to hear her pulse as I run the last few strides but I can't: I hear her father and five people I don't recognize. The smith's wife is either not in the house or dead like her daughter. Amaya... she was eight! She wasn't even in training, she was no more a threat to them than the rocks in our gardens!
All traces of thoughts fly out of my mind. I unsheathe my swords and crash inside, screaming. The enemies are caught by surprise and three of them are dead before I encounter any significant resistance. I find myself on the defensive for a few blows with the other two, but one of them gets behind me and gains a false sense of security, swiping his sword in a wide motion meant to decapitate me. I hear the sword through the air, duck under it, and imitate his swipe at a lower level, cutting him in half at the waist.
The other one surprises me by kicking me in the face and I fall back. I roll and throw my sword at him. He deflects it, but misses the shuriken that follows it; it hits him between the eyes and buries itself right into his skull, with only one point still poking out.
I wake up and clamp my hands to my mouth to stifle a scream. Billy shifts but doesn't wake up.
I bring my knees up to my chest and circle them with my arms, trying to steady myself. Amaya-chan… she was real, even if the Order invented a new death for her. She's the girl I hear dying in the only real memory I have left, the fragment of the battle against GI Joe on the day my family was slaughtered.
Her face surfaces in my mind, and I know it's not a real memory because I'm seeing her in her coffin and in reality, I never attended her funerals or those of anyone else from my family – I was a prisoner of the Order instead, where all my memories of them were being carefully erased.
It takes all my willpower not to whimper. Some of the emotions that come with this memory are the very ones I couldn't feel when I found out all my family had been killed. It hurts, and yet it feels right that I should be feeling this pain.
Except, of course, that I'm grieving from a false memory, something that never happened and that only echoes reality. It's not right at all… I'm grieving a family that, for all I know, is nothing like the real one. I don't even know if that's really how Amaya-chan looked like. I don't even know if that was really her name.
The other emotion that washes through me as the false memory settles itself in my brain, there to stay and drive me mad until I can get back to Mindbender, is one I'm feeling now anyway: paralyzing fear.
In the memory, I'm terrified that more people will die. In particular, I'm afraid for my father, my uncles and my aunts, and as much as the me from the memory is refusing to admit it, I'm afraid for my own life as well. Behind the fear is a sense that I'm being selfish, that I should be more worried about the other children than about myself and adults who can look after themselves.
In reality, I'm terrified of what these false memories are doing to me. Pictures of people that may not even exist continually pop up in my head whenever I think of my clan, such as when I'm teaching Billy techniques unique to my family. After over three years, the Order is finally getting somewhere with me: the false memories are feeling more real every day, and I'm constantly having to remind myself that they're not.
I need to get back to Mindbender, but I can't: I can't abandon Billy. I can't leave him here alone: the Order would find him sooner or later, unless Cobra beats them to it.
Speaking of Billy, he suddenly gasps and shoots up to a sitting position. I make myself stop trembling and call to him in an even, calm, soothing tone. I don't want him to know how frazzled I am; he'd guess why and I can't handle talking about the Order right now.
"Billy? Are you all right?"
He jumps at the sound of my voice anyway.
"I… I'm fine. Just a nightmare. Bad dream. It's nothing. Sorry I woke you up. I…"
"Your voice is shaking," I remark.
"It was pretty bad," he admits. "I got captured and brainwashed. Wound up killing everyone I know before I could wake up."
He clicks his flashlight on. I quickly change position, but not quickly enough: he catches the movement and points the flashlight towards me.
"Were you already awake?" he asks.
"Yes," I admit. "It's a night for unpleasant dreams, it seems."
"You're still shaking," he remarks. "Was it a dream or an implanted memory?"
I scowl. "An implanted memory. I do NOT want to discuss it right now. Turn the light off and go back to sleep."
Saying that, I lie back down and turn on my side.
"Must have been a nasty one."
I turn my head to glare at him, but he has the only light source pointed straight at me: I can barely see his silhouette. I debate ignoring the comment, but I know there is nothing I can do that will convince him to drop the subject until I've satisfied his curiosity.
"I was about your age, and in the middle of a clan war where my home was under attack. I heard a girl die, the same one as in the only real memory I have. The events have nothing to do with the Order or Cobra, and I will not discuss it further. Go to sleep."
"Yes, Sensei."
He turns his flashlight off and I hear him settle back on his futon. It takes him a while to actually go back to sleep, but he still manages it before I can.
He dreamed about being captured and brainwashed… easy to guess where THAT idea seeped into his brains. He thinks it's what Cobra did to me, and now he's afraid he'll endure the same fate if his father ever gets his hands on him again. Convinced as he is that I'm delusional, he must be terrified of the day where I'll wrongly assume it's safe to do so and hand him back over to the Commander.
I'll have to make sure tomorrow that I make it clear I won't do that without his full consent. I don't want him running away – with both Cobra and the Order looking for him and nothing but basic training under his belt, he'd be dead within the week. He's my apprentice; it's my duty to keep him safe. The fact I can hardly be considered responsible for a runaway apprentice crosses my mind but I ignore it. I won't disown him even if he does run: it would only be out of fear, it wouldn't be a betrayal.
It's still pitch black inside when I get up the following morning. I poke my head out and catch a glimpse between buildings of a red sun rising above the horizon. I smile at the good omen before I get back in, tap some lights on and start cooking our breakfast.
Billy is awaken by the smell, as always, and tumbles over, scratching his cheek absently and trying to feel a stubble that just won't start growing. I chuckle at him.
"You're thirteen, relax. It'll come. You'll miss these days when it does, shaving is time consuming."
"Nah. I'll grow a beard," he answers sleepily. "You should try too. You could hide a couple of shuriken in it."
I snort and hand him his plate.
"Omelette and toast," he comments. "Seaweed omelette, but still… Endurance training today, is it? You only ever make a western breakfast when you're going to make me suffer."
I give him a mock scowl. "Has it occurred to you that I might just be trying to be nice?"
"Yeah, right," he snickers. "If you ever serve me pancakes, I'll probably die of fright."
I chuckle. "Don't worry about that. I don't see how filling you up with…"
He interrupts me, imitating me so badly I wouldn't know that's what he's trying to do if he wasn't paraphrasing what I always tell him when he longs for junk food.
"…how filling me up with garbage is going to help my training, and if I want to harm my body that badly, I should at least be efficient about it and cut myself or, if it's internal damage I'm after, ingest some arsenic."
I snatch his plate away, scowling. My first thought is to send him running around the block ten times, but since I haven't had a chance to reassure him on my intentions to wait for his approval before bringing us back to Cobra, I'm too worried he won't come back. I settle, grudgingly, on floor exercises.
"One hundred push-ups for each arm, and one hundred sit-ups. Then you can have breakfast."
"Push-ups? Really? Like in the army?"
"Don't make me choose a more traditional ninja punishment, Billy."
He cocks his head, looks for a moment like he's going to comment on that, then thinks better of it and gets started on his push-ups.
I wait until he's done to eat my own breakfast as well and do a few katas while I'm waiting, mostly to relax. We sit down to cold omelettes and toasts and when we're done swallowing the last of it, I push the plates away and gesture at him to stay seated.
"Nightmares often reflect our apprehensions. I think you're worried that I will eventually cause you to be back in the custody of Cobra and that they will kill you or brainwash you like you believe they did to me."
He lowers his eyes and it takes him a moment to gather his thoughts before he answers.
"I know you wouldn't put me in danger intentionally. But… well… you think they're the good guys!"
He sounds so exasperated that I refrain from automatically insisting that they are and just motion him to continue.
"And I know you ultimately want to get us forgiven by the Commander. I don't even want to THINK about how you intend to do that. They've made you fight GI Joe before, and I honestly don't blame you for what you've done, but for Christ's sake, you've been killing the GOOD guys! I know you don't think so, but…"
"But you do," I interrupt him. "And you don't like the idea that I may intend to gain us forgiveness by doing more of the same. I wouldn't expect you to, not until you see the truth."
"Really? And how patient are you going to be? You've been getting more memories… how badly do you wish you could go in for a treatment with Mindbender right now? How long are you going to wait for me to be enlightened or whatever?"
"As long as it takes., I answer. "I promise I will not drag you back against your will, or make you harm people you still think are innocent."
He looks at me without replying, still breathing a bit heavily from his agitation but visibly calming down: he knows just how seriously I take promises. He finally lowers his eyes.
"Thank you for that., he mutters. He looks like he's about to add something, but doesn't.
He's not completely wrong about my being impatient, of course, and he was also half right about breakfast – I'm not making him do endurance training, today, but it will be the first time we actually spar. I can't responsibly pull my blows more than strictly necessary: he'd only get the impression that getting hit doesn't hurt all that much.
He pales when I tell him to get into duelling position.
"We're going to fight?"
I nod and scowl at him. He's not in position yet. He gets the hint and assumes a defensive stance.
"So I was right," he groans. "You ARE going to make me suffer."
"Only if you don't block properly. You're ready for this, Billy. I can only keep you on basic training for so long before it becomes a waste of time."
Saying so, I direct a punch at his stomach. His block hits my forearm just as my fist sinks into his midsection. He goes down, bent in two.
I roll my eyes at him, not that he can see me: he's rolled into a ball, his eyes clenched shut. I push his head back with my foot – not quite kicking him because blows to the head are almost never a good idea, but roughly enough to make the point, brutally uncurling him and sending him on his back. He springs back to his feet and gets into position again.
"What was that?" I ask him. "Curling into a ball after a punch… did it really hurt so badly that you wanted to die to end the pain?"
"No, Sensei."
"I expected you to block that punch," I scold him. "You were way too slow. I suggest you shape up: this is not a good day for you to be feeling lazy. Now attack me."
I'm not even done saying it that his foot is already flying towards my face. I duck under it, grab his leg, and throw him on the floor a few feet away. He springs right back to his feet and assumes a defensive stance again.
"Good reaction time, but don't make moves that leave you so vulnerable on a fresh opponent unless you're sure he's much slower than you."
As I was talking, he's attacked me again, going low this time, trying to swipe my legs. I skip over it and he applies one of his katas by getting up on his arms and aiming a spinning kick at my head. I roll to avoid it.
I roll to avoid Snake Eyes' latest attempt at parting my head from the rest of my body.
The scene that crosses my mind is extremely short, but the memory actually includes all the thoughts and feelings I would have experienced at the time. It feels like a full scale assault on my mind and my emotions, and I'm literally stunned.
I know Snake Eyes is trying very hard to kill me, because he believes I've murdered my own uncle and he's found out I've been working for the ruthless terrorist organization called Cobra when I kidnapped someone named Scarlett on their behalf.
I feel utterly betrayed that he'd do that. I'm crushed that he thinks so lowly of me AND that he's got every right to, and I'm furious that he'd try to kill me after I saved his life and shared my family with him. The feelings are so strong that despite the fact it's happening, I'm in denial: I can't believe he'd do that.
I'm also desperate to stay alive because I want to avenge the uncle whose murder I was framed for – since everyone else blames me for it, if I don't get vengeance for him, nobody will.
I'm convinced I can't win the fight, partly because I can't stand the thought of seriously hurting my brother. I wouldn't say no to punching him in the face at that moment, but it feels vitally important that I don't betray my clan by harming him – it feels like it'd be the last straw to do so, the last bad thing I haven't done. Therefore, I'm fighting back panic on top of everything else.
I hear myself groan and although I do realize it won't work, I shut my eyes and clamp my hands to my ears in an effort to block out whatever waves the Order sends to me to create these memories.
It has no effect. The scene keeps replaying, bringing back more flashes to complement the invented thoughts and emotions.
I see a young version of myself running between bullets, with who I know is a younger version of Snake Eyes draped on my shoulders, wounded. I feel elated because he's alive, yet worried because I don't know how badly he's hurt.
I see myself waking up in a homeless refuge, reading a note stuck on my chest that I interpret as his promising me he won't spare me twice and calling me a murderer. It drives home the fact everybody I care about now hates me, and I'm furious at the injustice of it.
Billy's voice brings me back to the present.
"Sensei?"
I snap my eyes open and lock them on his to stop seeing the flood of false memories, but my vision is all blurry. I try to concentrate on his pulse and breathing to stop hearing the sounds of my fight with Snake Eyes, but I can't shake off the sound of his blade whistling towards my throat, over and over again.
"Sensei! Snap out of it! Tommy!"
His voice is urgent, and he has his hands on my shoulders. I concentrate harder on him, and finally, the imaginary noises dim.
"I… I'm okay," I stammer. "I…" I frown at him. "Why didn't you take advantage of my distraction to attack me? And why are you calling me Tommy? We're not in public!"
He rolls his eyes at me. "Because you're not actually my enemy, duh. And I was trying to get a reaction. I've been calling out to you for like, five minutes. I would have started calling you random names, next."
I sigh and get up. I was completely out of it for several minutes, then. I look at him before turning away again – he's giving me The Look again, the cross between a puppy dog and a heartbroken child, worse than ever.
"I'm fine," I lie. "Let's…"
"No you're not," he interrupts me. "You were crying. I know you well enough to guess you haven't done that in front of someone else since you were a baby."
I glare at him. "It was just a physical response to the simulated emotions: I wasn't even aware of it. I'm fine NOW."
"What emotions? What was the memory?"
"The details don't matter. Attack."
Saying so, I put myself back in the duelling position. He crosses his arms.
"Tell me," he demands. "You said you would. You agreed to."
My eyes narrow. The demand is made all the more irritating by the fact that he's right in saying that I agreed to this: he's convinced these memories are real and he thinks they hold the clues that will make ME realize as much as well. To preserve good faith in our arguments about what is real and what isn't, I agreed to share them with him because he felt I would deprive him of useful information if I didn't.
"Snake Eyes was trying very hard to kill me," I growl. "I was… devastated."
"Was he trying to kill you because he thought you killed your uncle?"
"Partly. It was also because I was part of Cobra. That's all there is to it. Now attack or I will."
He throws a punch quickly followed by a kick. I block both and grab both limbs. He uses my hold as leverage to kick with his other leg. I let go of his arm, grab his second leg before it touches me and spin him to throw him back on the floor. He yelps on landing but springs back to his feet.
"Better," I comment. "But you're still making risky moves."
"What move did Snake Eyes use on you?" he asks. "When he was trying to kill you, I mean."
I clench my jaw and my fists. He tenses and adopts a more strictly defensive stance. I start throwing punches, following a sequence that matches one of his daily katas. He almost misses the third one but he then notices the pattern and launches into his kata. I'm talking at the same time, answering his question mostly so he won't realize how shaken I still am.
"The only move I saw was his swiping at my throat with his sword. When we fight for real, he uses complex combos… a bit more complex than strictly necessary, actually. He has show-off-y tendencies."
His eyes are wide as he blocks every blow and forces me into specific moves just by following his kata. He's not quite awed enough by the realization his katas do work in a real fight to drop the subject of the Order's latest creation, however.
"Why were you so devastated? In the memory?"
We reach the end of the kata. I automatically launch into another one. I hit him with the first two blows but he starts blocking properly on the third one and from there, follows the appropriate pattern.
"Well?" he asks.
"The Order makes it look like he was a very close friend. Some of the thoughts and emotions that accompanied the visual memory were designed to emphasize a strong feeling of betrayal and loss. They made it look as though he owed me his life, and saw it as appropriate repayment to not kill me the first chance he got."
"So you were heartbroken," he concludes, continuing the kata flawlessly.
I shrug. "I think that was the general idea, yes."
"So you two were close…" he muses.
It's the last he speaks of it. He spends the rest of the morning on more general Order versus Cobra discussion, something I'm very grateful for.
I go out mid-afternoon to get some groceries, leaving him to do his daily katas since he hasn't had time yet to do them today. He doesn't need to be supervised through those anymore, and truth be told, I do enjoy being alone from time to time: it gives me a chance to think about what to do rather than endlessly debate the very existence of the Order.
Not that the thinking time is helping much – I have no more brilliant ideas on how to proceed from here by the time I start climbing the ladder back to the tower than when I left.
My thoughts are brutally interrupted as I get close enough to the water tower to hear Billy's pulse, by the fact that I don't. I rush up the rest of the way and burst in, deathly afraid I'll find his body there and refusing to believe the ideal scenario that he just went out to use the bathroom.
There is no body in the tower, but almost as bad if not worse, there IS a folded piece of paper in the middle of the floor, with my name written in English on it, in his writing. I pick it up with a trembling hand.
"Don't say you're going to find the Joes. Don't say you're going to find the Joes…" I chant as I unfold it and start reading.
Dear Sensei,
I'm sorry to leave like this, I know you're going to worry. You really don't need to, but I'm sure you're going to anyway even if I write that a gazillion times.
I hope I'm not making a mistake. Sometimes it seems like you're better off not remembering anything, but I can't make that decision. It's not right what Cobra did to you. I think that if it was up to you, you'd choose to remember the truth rather than live a lie.
I grip the paper tighter as I realize he intends to do something, what I don't know, in an effort to give me back my memories. I read through as fast as I can, looking for a clue as to where he's headed first and praying he's not going to go look for Snake Eyes – I can't stand the thought of his falling into the hands of the Order.
I owe you my life, and I know I didn't take it seriously when you first explained the bond between a student and his sensei, but I do now. I can't leave you like this. You're eventually going to panic and go back to Cobra because you'll think it's the only way to prevent the Order from getting you. When you do that, they're going to remove all your memories again and keep using you.
I'm not trying to sound all grand and noble and just worried for you, here. I'm afraid for myself, too. If they get you back, they'll find a way to make you get ME back, too. I know you wouldn't want that, and I'm afraid that I'll end up like you, and neither of us will ever be free, and we'll do a lot of horrible things for the rest of our lives.
I'm going to look for members of your family and tell them you were framed and brainwashed, and we'll figure out a way to help you.
I'm looking forward to meeting the real you. Don't think you'll be rid of your student that easily.
Billy
I glare at the paper so hard that if there were such a thing as releasing one's chi in the form of energy outbursts, I would no doubt have burnt a hole through it.
Stupid teenager! My first thought it to let him face his own mistake, let him get himself captured, forget about the foolish kid and get back to Cobra and to my oaths of avenging my clan and saving my brother. Billy has distracted me long enough as it is.
Not that there's any chance I'd do that. He's my apprentice, and I won't abandon him just because he's being an idiot. 'I'm going to look for members of your family'… how brain dead does he think I am? The only member of my clan he knows about is Snake Eyes and even through his delusion that the rest of them are still alive, he has no hope to find them, so it's obvious Snake Eyes is the one he's going to try and contact. And as soon as he does, my brother will lead him straight to GI Joe, thinking he's doing him a favour.
I've got to find him before he stumbles upon the Pit or Snake Eyes. For all I know, he might show some efficiency in dooming himself by just approaching the first soldier he sees and request to talk to someone from GI Joe. I've got to find him, and fast.
Author's Notes:
In order to really get in Storm Shadow's head, I have to force myself to think like he does to some degree. So, I spend a chunk of my writing time making myself think everything Storm Shadow believes is true. This lead to me re-reading the letter and thinking "Wait. Billy's not stupid, so why DID he leave? I have to justify that." For about a second before remembering it wasn't stupid at all for the very reasons Billy wrote, and that he therefore justified it himself very well.
Yes, I'm going insane. I may also be lacking some sleep.
The bonus for this chapter is a little scene right at the beginning of Tommy and He-Who-Will-Eventually-Be-Known-As-Snake-Eyes (HWWEBKASE)'s first tour in the War. It's just a bit of relaxing pointlessness, hopefully somewhat entertaining. A Christmas turkey dinner is mentioned, and someone is pregnant. Oh, and we find out Tommy's guess as to why HWWEBKASE is so quiet. Hint: it does not involve pixies. At all.