Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still don't own Harry Potter…
Thank you so much for the reviews everyone! I'm not sure if you guys want individual replies. If so just put it in the review. Hope you're all loving my new story too. Enjoy this chapter! It's the last one I'm posting tonight... desperately in need of some sleep. I'm leaving you on a bit of a cliffhanger... so I apologise in advance.
Chapter 5
I can feel his presence through the walls. Why did I agree to this? What the hell was I thinking putting myself through this? I was once again brought back to reality thanks to Harry.
"So what's with your shrew of a friend?" He says with an incredibly obvious tone of dislike.
I play dumb. "What do you mean?"
"Oh come on... what was with the bitchy behaviour towards me? What exactly did you tell her about me."
Turning from the bench to look at him I answer him honestly. "Absolutely nothing."
He looks slightly stunned and then confused. "What do you mean nothing? How can she not know about the two of us being friends if you two are friends?"
Great now I'm gonna have to explain. "Look Harry... when I left I didn't want to take anything with me from London. The Salem Academy was the ideal place to start myself over again and leave my mistakes behind." I can't look at him as I say the next sentence. "So I didn't tell anyone about my role in the war or who I had been while I was here. It wasn't until a few years had passed and I knew that I could trust Martha that I actually told her about Sirius and how I'd ended up in my situation."
"Did you mention me at all?"
"In passing yes... but I didn't go into any detail because I didn't want to be identified. Martha however, deduced on her own who I was and was just waiting for me to come clean about everything. She has been a really good friend to me Harry."
"And the attitude doesn't bother you?" He asks disbelievingly.
Taking a deep breath I look hesitatingly at him. "I'm afraid that might have been reserved just for you."
"Wait- What?"
"Well she knew exactly who you were and she doesn't really... I mean she isn't really into celebrities."
"Yeah because I love it!" Harry says sarcastically.
I smirk. "Oh come on Harry. We got the tabloids in the US too you know... and I'm pretty sure that you don't mind all of those pretty young witches throwing themselves all over you!"
He smirks back before breaking into laughter. "Yeah I guess. What do I care what some American witch thinks of me anyway!" He's playing it down but I can tell it's bothering him as we walk back to the living room. Please don't let me have to deal with a Harry/Martha drama!
I try to stable myself as much as possible before sitting on the sofa. Lyra is currently perched on Sirius' lap giving him a thorough rundown of her daily routine. "... and then I eat lunch. Sometimes mummy packs me brownies- but not magic ones" she says with a giggle "I love brownies. Do you like brownies? I want one now. Do you want a brownie Daddy? Can you make me one? Use your wand like mummy does! Daddy?"
Sirius is simply staring at her. How could he not... she's beautiful. She looks just like him. All of a sudden she's looking at me. I nod my head in answer to her silent question. With a quick flick of my wand a plate of brownies is flying from the kitchen. Her little face is delighted. Sirius however looks confused.
"I could have conjured some you know." He says.
I smile at him. "I know but I made these earlier." Dropping my voice slightly I add "I just had them hidden from her, that's all." Another smile. No no no... too familiar!
"Do you want one Daddy? They're really good. Mama is the best at making them. Aunt Marty makes them good too but not like Mama. They go gooey in the middle." With this said she takes a large bite from the chocolate sweet in her little hands.
"Not so much at once Lyra." I chastise before taking a sip of my tea. I need to continue to do something with my hands or they'll start shaking again.
Thankfully Harry comes to the rescue. "So Lyra when are you going to come and watch me play Quidditch?"
Her little eyebrows shoot up in response to his offer. I absolutely hate the idea of my little baby on a broom and I've never let her near a Quidditch pitch. She looks directly at me. "Mama Pleeaasseee let me go! Please!" How do I say no without sounding liking a bitch.
"We'll see." I shoot Harry a look that let's him know that next time he should quit his teasing in front of Lyra. Sirius however remains oblivious to my feelings on the subject.
"Sure you can Honey. We'll go to his next game." he says pulling her back up onto his lap.
"I'm gonna go get more tea." My voice is strained and my tea cup is half full but I can't stand to be in the room much longer. Back in the kitchen I brace myself against the counter. Calm down Hermione. You're doing really well. He's not staying. You're in charge. She is still your baby! But as much as I try to reassure myself I can still feel my heart pounding. The next thing I know Sirius is beside me.
"Are you alright?" He says leaning back against the counter top. He's staring straight ahead back towards the living room.
"I- you can't- she- she's my daughter Sirius!" I manage to get out. I can see him take a deep breath but I continue. "She has been my daughter for the past five years and you can't just come into her life and start turning things upside down."
"She would have been my daughter too if you hadn't hidden her from me!" He's trying not to yell but his voice is still loud.
"And I'm sorry for that. I am and I've said it but how can I say it anymore Sirius than I already have?" My hand is on my forehead and I'm braced for tears. "I do want you to be a part of Lyra's life but I also want you to realise that I am her mother and pulling her in different directions isn't going to help her."
He nods his head once and then retreats back to the living room. I can hear him from my place in the kitchen. "Lyra lion cub come here!" he says with a laugh "I've got to take off but I'll be back to see you soon alright?"
I walk back into the room to find Harry near the door and Lyra clinging onto her father for dear life. "I promise I'll be back sweets." he says pulling free from her grasp. In a flash he is out the door and she is back in my arms.
"Why didn't he stay longer mama? I want him to stay." she sobs into my embrace.
How do I make this better? "Daddy just had to go pick up something for Uncle Harry. Maybe something for the Quidditch game... hey we should go and buy a new outfit for you to wear huh? You're going to love it... just like your Daddy."
She's looking back up at my face with a smile. "In Uncle Harry's colours yeah?"
"Anything you want sweetheart. Now how about some more brownies. Aunt Marty's not here to eat her share so you're gonna have to have another one before lunch to make up for her. I watch as she gobbles down the last of her first brownie, a smile on her face. How can anyone be loved this much? It seems impossible that I can fit all of my hopes and fears and love for this child in my heart.
~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~
A knock at the door later that night takes the two of us by surprise. Curled up on the sofa together I'm reading up on some potions research and Lyra is sprawled over me fast asleep. I know that it can only be one person. Martha never bothers to knock. It still takes me by surprise however to see him standing in my doorway... for the second time in 24 hours. I put my finger to my lips to indicate quiet and open the door wider.
"She's asleep on the sofa." I whisper. "How come you didn't come back earlier? She would have still been awake."
He moves to come and sit with us. "I wanted to come back to apologise for earlier. I shouldn't have been mad at you for not wanting her on a broom. Bloody hell I don't want her on a broom. I just- I wanted to be able to make that choice you know... I want to be her father."
I sigh. "I know you do... and you will be... you are. We just have to start talking about things. If we can get along it would be a bonus for her."
He nods his head slowly and we both continue to stare down at our daughter. Her hair is fanned out around her wild as can be and her little dragon pyjamas are getting too short in the leg. "She's so beautiful." He whispers.
"I know. She looks just like you."
"She has your lips... and that hair." he says sitting down with a chuckle. "I wish I could have seen her as a baby." I can feel the lump in my chest. "What was it like?"
It takes me a minute to answer as I take my seat on the other side of Lyra. "Scary as hell. Every part of it." I look across at him to find him staring at me intently. "I was so terrified about giving birth that I didn't have a chance to appreciate being pregnant. And then after she was born she just never stopped crying. I thought I would go mad that first month... I wanted you with me so bad that it physically hurt... but I couldn't bring myself to owl you. By that stage I thought that it was too late... that you wouldn't want... that you didn't want to be with me." I can feel hot tears running down my cheeks. I'm so embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
His thumb wipes the tears from my cheek. He's looking at me with more kindness than I deserve. "I would have been there in a heartbeat you know?" I nod my head and move back from his hand. I can't take the close contact... it's too much. "All I ever wanted was to be with you... I should never have... never have said what I said to Lupin and the others. But you have to know that-"
"- I don't want to talk about it. It's over now. We both know the truth and now we can just move forward for Lyra." I interrupt. My hands are shaking and I can feel my chest contract. Just thinking about his words all those years ago.
"No!" He says forcefully. "I need you to know the truth. This is for Lyra. Her mother needs to know how I really felt about her." He says taking back my hand.
"I do know Sirius. I heard you remember. I believe your words were She's not the best shag I've ever had but she'll do for now." Sirius' face is one of shock and I get up off the sofa. "I'm gonna put her to bed." I whisper reaching down and picking my baby up. Her warm little body is such a comfort to me right now.
He is still sitting with that look on his face when I walk down the hall towards Lyra's room. I pull back her covers, struggling slightly with one hand, and tuck her into bed. But before I leave the room I have to steady myself against the door frame. My mind is spinning and I can see his handsome face in my head... see him laughing surrounded by all of our friends... She's not the best shag I've ever had but she'll do for now. She does have the most fantastic legs and God she can bend. Figures that she'd be the one to set me straight! I'm brought out of my trance by a set of strong arms pulling me from the room. In a moment I'm up against the hallway wall. Sirius' face is so pained I think it might split down the centre. I look down trying to concentrate on anything other than his eyes. Finally after a few deep breaths he speaks. "Hermione I was so drunk that day I can barely remember who was there let alone what i was saying." He takes a deep breath. "I know that anything I said would have been in jest... I would never have said anything that I thought would hurt you. How could you think that I would deliberately hurt you like that?" I can hear the anger stirring in his voice and it only brings mine to the forefront.
"How could I think that?" I almost sneer at him. "I could think that because I'd heard you speak about so many other women the same way. And I was stupid enough to think that I was different... that you loved me because I was so God damned in love with you." I can feel the sobs in my throat.
"That's just it. I was in love with you." His hands relax around me and I can feel his defeat. "I would never have... why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you...?"
I look up into his face. "You were laughing about me... telling them that I was an alright shag... that I could bend well... and that it figured that I would be the one to set you straight..." I can hear my voice laced with ice as the last sentence leaves my mouth. "I never tried to set you straight Sirius. I loved you for all of your faults. That is what hurt the most."
I move to step past him finally but he only pulls me closer. He's staring right into my eyes. "You did change me. With you by my side I was finally growing up... becoming someone that would be worthy of you. Then you left and I was alone. My stupid mouth... one lapse in judgement and I lost you. If you knew the pain that I was in-"
"Pain? I know the pain Sirius. I feel it every time I look at our daughter and see her looking at me with your eyes. When she lifts her chin higher or gets that crinkle in her forehead when she refuses to do something. Pain Sirius... I know the pain of loosing someone you love... of wishing you'd made different decisions because that would mean that you would still wake up next to them everyday." I'm sobbing openly now, hot tears rolling down my cheeks.
Then all of a sudden his lips are on them, kissing them away, making their way down to my own. I lift my head to meet his mouth. The kiss is so intense that I loose all of the air in my lungs. I fist my hands into his hair and feel his arms tighten around my waist. I never want it to end but eventually we pull away from each other panting slightly. "I'm sorry..." I whisper, all but collapsing into his chest. All of this time and I was still so painfully in love with him.
He tilts my chin back up to look at me. "Do you know how long I've waited for you to come back?" he says before kissing me softly. His lips move like silk over my own. The kiss is slow and heartfelt. I can feel his hands roaming up and down my back, over my shoulders. "Let me make love to you Mi." he whispers into my neck, my hair, my skin.
My hands are on his cheeks as he places kisses along my throat coming back up to kiss my lips and look into my eyes. I can't help but feel scared of what is to come. I haven't slept with anyone since I left him. My body is so different now. Not bad different... just different. What will he think of my wider hips... or the faded stretch marks on my breasts? I'm nervous as hell but there is no way that I am letting him go now.
Sensing my nerves he pulls back to look at me and pulls my body closer to his. "I love you. All of you... let me show you."
So I did...
~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~