The Laughing Fox
by Lord Dragon Claw
Disclaimer: try to keep backup copies of unfinished chapters.
Interlude: 100 Words
1) Laugh
Deidara couldn't avoid the green gas cloud. Neither could he avoid the shadow clone hidden within. The clone punched him in the solar plexus, and instinctually, he inhaled a bit of the gas. He backhanded the clone, dispelling it, and dove out of the green mist. He reached for his pouch of clay to make more bombs to blow that blond maniac to smithereens, but the thought of doing so was really pleasing.
He began to laugh at the thought.
Why am I laughing? he thought. No! Stop laughing! Kill the blond first, then gloat.
He couldn't stop laughing.
Why can't I stop! he panicked.
Naruto grinned at him. "I really love Smilex Type B."
2) Pain
"First time I've seen you do that," commented Ibiki.
"Do what?" asked Joker.
"Interrogate someone by repeatedly hitting them with a fish."
Joker shrugged. "Getting hit with a fish hurts."
3) Joy
"So," Hiashi began.
"So," Naruto answered.
"You plan on making an honest woman out of my daughter?"
"We're ninja," deadpanned the blonde. "Honesty has nothing to do with it."
The Hyuuga patriarch paused as he considered the statement. "True. But what I wanted to know was whether or not you intended to marry Hinata."
"Why didn't you say so in the first place? Of course I do!"
"That makes me glad."
"… your face doesn't show it."
"..."
4) Anger
"Wow, Tayuya-neechan," commented the young clown. "I've never seen so many internal organs in one place."
"Shitty Ame-nin thought they could f***ing sneak up on me while I was f***ing bathing. I put the assholes in a genjutsu that made them think that their f***ing livers were on fire and the only way to put them out was to bloody wash them off."
"Let me guess," added Shino. "Your genjutsu kept tricking them into thinking that different organs were their livers."
"The screams were exquisite…" Tayuya said, trailing off dreamily.
5) Madness
"You can't declare war on Iwa and Ame at the same time!" declared the emissary from Iwa. "It's madness!"
"Madness?" asked Sarutobi Hiruzen. The retired Hokage looked back to his favorite clan - the Uzumakis - and smiled at them before turning back around. "Pretty much."
Tsunade palmed her face. "Prepare to ship this moron back to his own country."
"In one piece… or several?" asked Joker.
"Does his mind need to be intact?" inquired Osore.
"Couldn't we see how small of a container we can stuff him into?" proposed Gimonfu.
"Shouldn't we send flowers with the package?" asked Ivy.
Tsunade groaned.
6) Needle
Naruto handed Shino a syringe.
"What the f*** is that supposed to do?" laughed the limbless Hidan. "I'm immortal! Your stupid poisons won't kill me!"
"That's what we're counting on," stated the bug user. "Ever heard of Smilex Type A?"
7) Brick
Naruto's Birthday. Same day as the Kyuubi Festival. Lots of civilians got really drunk during the festival.
Which explains why a few drunken sods thought that it would be a good idea to chuck bricks at Naruto… and at Hinata.
Naruto had taken Hinata on a date and these idiots had just ruined it.
All of the drunks woke up in the hospital the next morning. While some of them had internal organ trauma, all of them were missing their thumbs. The hospital staff could not find the missing digits to reattach them, but they knew better than to ask the young Uzumaki where the thumbs were. Even if they did, Naruto did not know what Hinata did with them.
8) Sand
Naruto was sad.
"Unfortunately, Naruto," stated the Sandaime. "We do need to send Gaara and his siblings back to Suna. The Daimyo needs them back if he's going to get his village rebuilt."
"Okay," replied the blond with a downcast face.
9) Wind
"THIS IS AWESOME!"
Apparently Temari applied the wind manipulation training in a way that Naruto had not foreseen she would. She found a way to generate a jet stream off of her fan and had achieved chakra-powered flight.
10) Dolls
"Another puppet user, eh?" observed Naruto, staring down Sasori.
Naruto then pulled a small scroll out from his jacket, unfurled it, and swiped some of his blood down the length of the scroll. Nine automations came out of various sizes and designs.
"Have fun!" said the blonde clown as he put the scroll away and left to chase down Deidara.
Confused, Sasori wondered how the strange puppets were going to move without their puppeteer. And then they activated and began attacking the rogue puppet-master.
What he did not know about were the shadow clones hidden in the ground with Hiru Banshou: Bouka no jutsu using chakra strings to power and direct the automations. (Leech All Creation: Attack Prevention jutsu)
11) Pets
Naruto was working over some spies from Lightning Country when Harley burst into the room.
"Young man!" she yelled, addressing the young clown. "You've forgotten to feed the animals!"
Naruto turned to her. "Bonnie and Clyde are hungry?"
She glowered back at him.
He turned to his three prisoners. "Eenie-meenie-miney-you."
Harley smiled. "So we put the other two in the observation deck, yes?"
She left.
A pause.
"What did you just pick me for?" asked the man who was picked.
"Feeding time."
12) Lazy
"Ero-sennin. Teach me."
"Go away, gaki! You're interrupting my research."
Irritated, Naruto reached under the older ninja.
BZZZZZZZT!
"YOW!"
Up went Jiraiya, like a rocket. Down went Jiraiya, like a comet. He landed in the women's bath and sank, like a rock.
Naruto flexed his hand, still crackling with electricity from the joybuzzer implants in his palm.
"I feel like I need to wash my hand off in an acid bath."
13) Swarm
Shino faced down the three members of the Kamizuru Clan and their swarm of wasp/bee summons.
They figured they'd be able to beat one lone Aburame who was at least ten years their junior. They figured wrong.
Shino's swarm began to glow, revealing their locations… covering everything in sight, even the wasps.
"Goodbye," Shino said before using kawarimi several times to get away from the explosion.
14) Poison
"AKUNARASENGAN!" (Venomous Spiraling Sphere)
Kabuto tried to use his healing abilities to reverse the damage, but the chemical bonds in his cells were breaking down, and the amino acids were becoming corrupted. Instead of his chakra healing his cells, it was instead feeding several tumors. The spy died in agony.
15) Chuunin
Quite the riot formed once the civilians learned that Naruto had been given his Chuunin vest. Several tried to pull their children out of the Academy, fearful that their kids might be led by the blond clown someday. Tsunade had to put her foot down and tell the idiots to leave their children in the Academy.
Of course, she had to assign a D-rank to fix the pavement where she did put her foot down.
16) Wallet
"So," began the Toad Sage.
"So?" responded Naruto.
"You realized that Itachi and Kisame were way out of your league, eh?"
"Well, duh. I don't have enough tricks up my sleeves to be able to deal with those two. I did know Itachi before he killed his clan, and he was pretty strong back then."
Jiraiya nodded, then looked over at Naruto. "What do you have there, gaki?"
"The weasel's wallet."
17) Ramen
"Okay, I'll concede defeat," Naruto said finally. Near him were stacked twenty-two bowls.
Croc merely smiled at him, placing his thirty-fourth bowl on his stacks. The grin fell from his face once he saw the third contestant.
Chouji belched and rubbed his belly. "I think fifty is a good stopping point, don't you?"
18) Toad
"You sure you don't want to learn to summon the toads? They can help with sage chakra."
"Have you seen what my caustic chakra does to demonic chakra? I'm not sure sage chakra will agree with me."
"You have a point there."
19) Summon
"Hey, Bakuyaku, I have a question."
The Jackal summon eyed his summoner as he rolled a ball of blasting powder between his paws. "What is it, Clown Pup?"
"Why didn't Iwa ever use you guys in battle? I mean, there were twenty signatures on the scroll before my family signed it, but not a one of them was famous for using you guys in battle."
Bakuyaku chucked quietly. "Funny story actually. I'll have to tell you later, but the short version is that the only summoner we liked out of those twenty was the first one, who was a contemporary with the Sage of the Six Paths. The rest were too uptight, so we loosened them up a bit."
"Meaning you tenderized them before eating them."
The Jackal thought about that for a moment. "Actually, yes."
20) Slug
"Interesting," commented Naruto once Tsunade summoned the boss of her contract. "But mine's bigger!"
Jiraiya's eye twitched once he heard Naruto summon Cerberus.
21) Snake
Manda was pissed at Orochimaru. How dare he summon him to fight the boss of the Hyenas!
"Summon me again and you will be the sacrifice," declared the gigantic snake, its neck within the jaws of Thalia. He suddenly dispelled.
22) Statue
Shino looked at it. It was in the perfect place in the Uzumaki estate - right where everyone would see it when they entered the front door. He turned to Naruto.
"While I approve of the placement of Hidan's body, I was expecting his limbs to be reattached in random positions."
"That would make our trophy look fake," the blonde replied.
"He can still move his eyes, right?"
"Yeah, and the glass case cancels out all noise as well as keeps the dust off of him."
23) Box
Ibiki looked at the young Uzumaki, carrying a metal box just as big as he was. Raising an eyebrow, he decided to enquire.
The blond chuckled. "Prisoner 48-27D is in here with an air circulation seal matrix and a sound-canceling matrix."
Ah yes. Sensory deprivation combined with motion sickness.
24) In-laws
"Hey, Hyuuga-san!" called out the Joker at the Village Council Meeting.
"Yes, Uzumaki-san?" replied Hiashi reservedly, almost tentatively.
"We're going to be inlaws!" The clown was now leering at the Hyuuga Clan Head.
Hiashi's face went as white as a sheet, especially since some of the other clan heads were chuckling quietly.
25) Kunai
Shikamaru stabbed the kunai between the prisoner's fingers rapidly, in increasingly intricate patterns. He hadn't even asked a question yet. He didn't stop when the foreign ninja begged him to. The time he did stop, he flipped the kunai around and hit the guy on the thumb with the pommel, cracking one of the bones and causing the shinobi to cry out in pain.
"So," began Shikamaru as he started playing mumbleypeg with his own fingers. "Do you want to tell me what you're looking for?"
Behind the one-way mirror, Ibiki whistled. "I had no idea he'd be pretty good at interrogation."
"Helps that I trained him in that game," muttered the blonde clown.
26) Shrapnel
A small bang startled a squad of Ame-nin. Some of them were quick enough to turn towards its origin and notice the disk floating a meter above the ground before it went off in a loud "WHUMP".
About a kilometer away Naruto turned to the squad he was leading. "And that, my friends, is what a Bouncing Betty sounds like when it goes off." Smiling, he turned towards where he had deposited the mine. "Wanna see if anyone was unlucky enough to survive it?"
27) Flashbang
The six pairs of eyes his opponent utilized were beginning to get annoying. Naruto pulled a strange cylinder with a lever and a pin on one end from one of the matter transfer seals on the inside of his jacket. Pulling the pin, he threw it into the air where he performed Shuriken Kagebunshin on it before quickly closing his eyes.
28) Feedback
Naruto stared at the fox within his cage. "So that's the reason you haven't been active?"
"Yes, gaki. The last time I fed you some of my chakra, a lot of yours flooded into me, damaging me greatly. I can no longer control my own chakra."
"Sooo, that means that there's nothing really stopping me from taking a hold of your chakra on my own, is there?"
The Kyuubi blinked. "KUSO!"
29) River
Osore had an idea. An evil, wicked, horrible, wonderful idea.
Konoha had access to the spring of the main river that flowed through Ame and from there into the sea. And he had a new toxin that was harmless in liquid form and would be rendered completely inert by sea salt… but if dispersed into a vapor like the omnipresent rains in Amegakure no Sato…
Konohagakure no Sato would not need to invade or assault Ame to win the war against Akatsuki - Ame's populace would kill themselves of their own accord.
Time to spread some fear…
30) Pills
"… but then your body keeps trying to metabolize even though you've used up its entire calorie storage by taking the third one?"
"Yeah," replied Chouji, eating a dumpling.
Naruto scratched his neck. "Could I borrow some samples of these pills? I might be able to reengineer it so it isn't as dangerous."
"Can't," the rotund boy said around bites. "Clan Secret."
"Drat!"
31) Kunoichi
"Now it is time to begin the bi-monthly meeting of the Konoha Kunoichi Association," began Harley. "Anko has informed me that she would like to extend the offer of tea ceremony lessons to all in attendance. Again."
32) Fish
"Sounds like Isaribi is a bit of a control freak," commented Naruto. "Why are you dating her again?"
"The sex is great," answered Croc.
"Ah."
33) Cards
"You know," began Hinata. "Naruto-kun has a really terrible poker face when playing cards, but he's got the devil's luck."
Eddie sat there for a moment, peering over the tops of his cards at the other players.
"I call bullshit," said Gimonfu as he placed his two kings and three knaves on the table.
Shino had three aces and two queens.
Iruka placed his hand of three kings and two aces on the table.
Anko had a royal flush.
Kakashi had five aces.
Shikamaru folded.
Kurenai had six queens.
Hinata had seven aces.
Naruto chuckled as he slammed his hand down on the table, revealing that he had fifty-two cards - and all of them were the ace of Spades.
Joker chuckled as he placed his five-card hand on the table, showing five joker cards.
The man formerly known as the Riddler puzzled over the results of the game before he finally came to a conclusion. "It's a ninja game," he sighed. "We're supposed to cheat."
34) Tower
Hinata chuckled as she entered the room, causing the man attached to the machine in its center to gasp.
"I thought that there might have been something important in this place. Say, you have the same hair color and eye color as those six guys Naru-kun's fighting..."
Nagato frowned and opened his mouth to speak when a visible lance of energy entered his chest, right where his heart was.
"And that takes care of that," she chimed in a sing-song voice.
35) Hokage
"Oh, so our next Hokage's a drunk with a gambling problem!" the young blond said cheerfully.
Tsunade slammed her hand down on the table, splintering the wood. "I am not going to be Hokage! I am not going back to Konoha!"
Jiraiya palmed his face, realizing the stupidity of bringing the young Uzumaki with him to speak with Tsunade. Her tirade continued for a few minutes longer, and when she was out of breath, Naruto spoke again.
"And she's a whiny bitch. Tell me, Jiraiya, how is she a step up from the old man?"
She went to punch the smaller blond but he ducked, allowing her to punch a hole in the wall behind him. She quickly pulled back to aim at him again, but she suddenly got a face-full of live octopus.
Shizune completely lost it at that point and screamed.
Tsunade tried her best to get the cephalopod off of her face, but it was latched tight to her head.
Naruto grinned, glad that his pet Rorschach was genetically enhanced to be extremely strong and durable.
Jiraiya... was gleefully taking notes. Why hadn't he thought of putting tentacle monsters in his novels before?
36) Water
"Welcome to Konoha, Mizukage-dono, where half of the population is stark-raving mad, and the other half is not too far behind."
Mei looked curiously at the pale-faced man with green hair and a sickly grin in a pinstripe suit. "I thought that we were going to be escorted by a samurai to the Hokage Tower, not one of Konoha's premier ninja."
Joker shrugged. "I can't help it if the scheduled escort suddenly became a quadriplegic."
37) Paper
Shino laughed as Konan tried to swat away his glowing insects. She suddenly had to deal with the psychotic boy trying to kick her in the face, amazed that he managed to kawarimi with one of her papers. She shoved a spear made of paper through his body, forcing it to break down into a swarm of kikaichu. She had to use her paper to create a fan to blow them away to a safe distance, but she felt a disturbance in the air as one of her sheets was switched with again. She managed to turn just enough to avoid getting decapitated, but a huge chunk of her shoulder was missing, causing her to cry out in pain. It took too much of her concentration to avoid going into shock.
She looked at the young Aburame, in his late teens, holding the weapon he had used to cut her with.
"Hidan's scythe," she whispered.
38) Book
"While well-written, I believe your current series has way too much fan-service, no discernable plot, and the ninja code you put into it is easily breakable."
Jiraiya rubbed his temples. "I don't see you trying to do better."
Naruto handed the orange book back. "Challenge accepted."
39) Orange
"You know, I used to want to wear that color."
"Really?" asked Konohamaru, admiring his new orange tracksuit.
"Really."
40) Eyes
Naruto set a jar down on Tsunade's desk. "Mission accomplished, Hokage-sama."
She frowned. "I wanted you to bring-"
"The Sharingan back to Konoha. That's what the mission scroll stated. Since the owner of these eyes wasn't willing to return without a fight, I gave him a fight."
"And you brought me his eyes."
"After I dissolved his body with my chakra, yes."
41) Shotgun
Sasuke rushed Naruto, Chidori in hand, intent on killing the infuriating blonde.
Naruto simply reached into his hammerspace, pulled out Clarisse, and planted both slugs into the Uchiha's chest.
"Idiotic traitor…" murmured the blonde as the other young ninja fell, lifeless, into the lake.
42) Weasel
"All around the corpse pile
"The clown taunted the weasel
"The clown was having so much fun-"
Naruto finally got into position and whipped out his shotgun, firing both buckshot rounds into Itachi's face.
"Pop goes the weasel!"
43) Massacre
Kisame finally caught up with Itachi. He found the Uchiha, looking immaculately pristine as always, facing off against their target from across a bloody pile of corpses. That gave the swordsman pause.
Naruto lifted a gore-encrusted finger and pointed it at Itachi. "HE DID IT!"
Kisame turned an annoyed look in his partner's direction. "Now Itachi-"
"But-"
"Business before pleasure. Why would you slaughter a room full of people when we have a job to do? In fact, why would you do it without me?"
Itachi growled. "It wasn't me! That blonde maniac did it! Also, he slipped away during your lecture!"
Kisame blinked as he looked around the room now devoid of life. "Well, shit."
44) Space
"Wait… Temari, what are you doing?"
She leaned forward to kiss her fellow blonde.
"Hey! You're invading my personal SPAAAAAAAAAA-" screamed Naruto as he backed off of the cliff edge and into open air.
"Oh shit!" swore the girl from Suna.
45) Bottle
"Wanna drink?" asked Naruto.
"You trying to kill her?" reprimanded Jiraiya.
"Maybe..."
Tsunade looked at the bottle. "What is it?"
"My favorite!" giggled the younger blond. "Sulfuric acid!"
Tsunade lunged for the bottle as Naruto dodged, taking a large swig from it.
"You fool! You're going to kill yourself!"
Naruto and Jiraiya glanced at each other before they laughed at her worry.
46) Jounin
"So you're field promoting me to Jounin?"
"Honestly kid," began Ibiki. "I'm not sure how to f*** with your mind to test you for it. Instead, we'll do a field promotion. We are in an active warzone, after all."
47) Cloud
Naruto gazed up at the impressive form of the Raikage and locked eyes with him. The tension in the room rose to an oppressive level. It was several minutes before anyone dared speak.
"Go after my fiancée's eyes like you did when she was three again and I will extract your teeth through your ear canal."
"What makes you think you'd be able to pull that off, scrawny?" boomed the massive man.
Naruto grinned. "Want me to count the reasons?"
A looked unimpressed.
"One: I am the biological son of the Yellow Flash."
He looked a little shocked at this.
"Two: I am the Jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi."
A nodded.
"Three: I am the biological son of the Kyuubi's previous jailer, Uzumaki Kushina."
The Raikage began to sweat a bit.
"Four: I am the son of Uzumaki Joker, otherwise known as )Mister J(."
The massive man was more than a little nervous at that point.
"Five: I have been trained by Jiraiya of the Sannin. Six: I am the Laughing Fox."
A swallowed audibly.
"And Seven: I am one crazy-ass bastard!"
The glint of madness was in Naruto's eyes as he grinned a maniacal grin. A was shrinking back from the obviously crazy clown shinobi.
"F*** with me or mine," threatened Naruto, punctuating his statement by etching the metal table with his chakra gathered in his palms. "And I'll f*** with you and yours."
Tsunade rubbed her temples. "Always a pleasant way to start out a diplomatic meeting," she muttered sarcastically.
48) Fear
Hinata began talking in a dry tone.
"Prisoner has shown extreme resilience to torture techniques of various natures. Unconventional means have been used, such as water torture, tickle torture, and psychological warfare."
Music could be heard blaring into the prisoner's cell. It was from some band in Joker's home world known as the Spice Girls.
"So far, none of these have caused her to crack. As she is a high-profile prisoner, we cannot go with our more brutal torture methods. What would you suggest?"
Ibiki rubbed his chin in thought. It was true that Kurotsuchi was a high-profile prisoner, being the favorite granddaughter of the Tsuchikage, but she undoubtedly had vital information about Iwagakure.
"Have you gone to Osore yet? He's been boasting that he's got a new toxin that lasts for a few hours before the subject can regain rational thought."
"We hadn't thought to ask him. I will inform Naru-kun of your suggestion."
As she walked off, the head of the ANBU DTI mused that Hinata had started speaking in monotone when Naruto was not around. It was slightly unnerving, unlike the pompous monotone the rest of her clan used.
49) Head butt
Sakon smashed his forehead into the nose of the Iwa-nin he was tangling with. Before his opponent could reorient himself, Ukon formed his head through Sakon's forehead and crashed into their opponent's broken nose, shoving it straight into the poor foreigner's brain.
Kidomaru rolled his eyes as he fought his opponents. "That doesn't mean that two heads are better than one!"
50) Root
Domen frowned. Apparently the ANBU Root didn't know what to do with themselves. Since he was the one who killed Himura Danzou, the Root members started calling Domen "master".
"I'll have to speak with the Hokage about this," he muttered to himself.
51) First
It was merely a matter of time. Naruto had found a way to stalemate Tobi in a fight. Sure, Tobi could teleport and turn ethereal, but Naruto's caustic chakra shroud prevented Tobi from counterattacking. It came down to a simple battle of attrition - who was going to run out of chakra first? Naruto or Tobi?
52) Bother
"Hokage-sama!" exclaimed a code-breaker, completely out of breath. "I have translated the latest missive from our mole in Takigakure! They have allied themselves with Iwa and Ame and are deploying their Jinchuuriki today!"
Tsunade rubbed her temples. "If it's not one thing, it's another," she sighed. "Get me Joker or Harley."
As the code-breaker left to carry out the Godaime's orders, Tsunade pulled a bottle of her secret stash out and checked it before taking a drink. Naruto had been bothering her before his latest mission by switching her alcohol bottles with random chemicals. At least the first time she was pranked like that it was with hot sauce.
She put her bottle away just as Shizune led Harley into her office.
"Hi Boss Lady!" giggled the clown kunoichi.
"Hello Harley. I need you to send a message to Naruto. I'm sending him on a new mission immediately - he is to abort his current one."
Harley nodded. "Let me summon Shinji so you can give him the message."
53) Brother
"Mo-om!" complained Jirobo. "Tayuya's picking on me again!"
Harley looked up from the corpse she was dissecting to see tear-tracks under Jirobo's eyes. "Tayuya, be nice to your brother."
"Fine," Tayuya huffed. Then, under her breath: "F***ing fatass tattler."
54) Mallet
Harley swung her gigantic mallet, pressing the button on the handle. She squashed the Rain ninja into a fine paste when the rocket attachments on the mallet head deployed.
55) Fishnet
Naruto decided he'd give his Auntie Anko a nice big hug the next time he saw her. Especially because Hinata had taken fashion advice from her. As well as seduction tips.
"You like?" she asked coyly.
Naruto grinned pervertedly as he took in his fiancée wearing a fishnet bodysuit and nothing else.
"Woof."
56) Fledermaus
"I'm surprised you found a way to be both Master Bruce and the Batman," commented Alfred.
Batman's mask now covered his entire face, especially the mouth and scars.
"The press had a field day when I had to go public with my face the way it is," sighed Bruce.
57) Question
The Taki ninja were confused. They were certain that they'd seen that tree before.
One of them tried to dispel the genjutsu only to find that the tree became a gigantic tiger, which then proceeded to attack the four-man squad.
Nearby, Gimonfu smiled. He was getting better at genjutsu, especially since he and Yakumo had started tutoring each other.
58) Crocodiles
Kisame was somewhat pissed that the Kyuubi brat had managed to kill Itachi. He ran across the river to attack the brat when a gray hand reached out and grasped his leg, pulling him under the surface with surprising strength.
Croc grinned his crocodilian grin as he swung his other arm to nail Kisame in the stomach.
Coughing out bubbles of air, the shark man swung Samehada, clipping Croc on the shoulder. He pulled back on his sword to scrape off the flesh of the mutated human, only for the numerous barbs on Samehada to get caught on Croc's scales. Croc, being relatively unhurt, kicked Kisame right in the mouth, dislodging several teeth.
59) Youth
"Yeah yeah yeah," drawled Croc. "Flames and all that."
"Why do you always dismiss the Power of Youth!"
"'Cause it makes you and yer mini-clone challenge me to a fight."
"I see," said Lee, who crossed his arms and nodded. "You provoke us to get extra training in. How Youthful!"
"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Can we fight now?"
60) Bridge
"When you said we'd burn that bridge when we got to it, I didn't realize you meant it literally."
Naruto turned back from the bonfire that the supply bridge in Earth Country now was to grin at Jiraiya. "Our tertiary objective was to break their supply train for the samurai of Earth Country. Why wouldn't I burn the bridge!"
Jiraiya merely shook his head.
Shino then piped in. "I like how we managed to light it while several of the supply wagons were trying to cross it."
61) Stone
"Such a pretty town," commented Ino in disguise as she turned to her teammates.
"Too bad we have to destroy it," lamented Chouji (also in disguise).
Shikamaru shook his head. "Actually, the only thing we have to destroy is the monument dedicated to the Yondaime Tsuchikage, the only man to have stood up against the Yellow Flash and lived to tell about it."
Asuma chuckled. "Too bad he didn't survive the second encounter."
62) Contract
"So, you want to add your mate to the contract?" asked Ushiro.
Wakamaru bent his head down and looked into Hinata's eyes. After a moment, the jackal's head grinned. "She's got just the right amount of madness in her. I like that."
Ushiro nodded. "Very well, clown pup."
Both heads talked in unison. "We, Ushiwaka of the Jackal Clan, do hereby call forth the Contract."
A gigantic scroll spawned in existence on their back, and Ushiro turned his head and gripped it with his mouth, unfurling it on the ground in front of him.
"Sign in your own blood, Pale Eyes," commanded Wakamaru. "We'll also need a handprint."
63) Alcohol
"DAMMIT!" screamed the Hokage. "How does Naruto keep finding my stashes!"
In the next room, Shizune smiled as she sorted the next batch of paperwork. She was glad she offered to tutor Hinata in medical techniques in exchange for these pranks of Naruto's.
64) Sword
Tobi was having a really hard time dealing with the huge zanbatou that Naruto had summoned. Sure, he could just phase through it, but one of those jackal heads would always form and bite at him. Since the heads were primarily spiritual in nature, they had managed to clip him a couple of times. Unfortunately, they had managed to chomp off his right hand.
It didn't help that he had been hit with the sword's Sixth Banner. Whenever he got close to Naruto, his body was pulled towards the blade. Very frustrating.
65) Lightning
Jiraiya palmed his face. What was the first thing Naruto did upon reaching the home of Killer Bee? He picked a fight with him. Now the Eight and Nine Tails were duking it out, all over what Naruto had said.
"Oh great. Another hip-hop wannabe. STOP TALKING IN RHYME, FAGGOT!"
As Naruto summoned another hyena to help him fight the brother of the Raikage, Hinata spoke up, surprising Jiraiya and Bee's three apprentices.
"You know, Naru-kun is only testing himself out against the Hachibi to see if he measures up to an older Jinchuuriki."
At Jiraiya's groan, Shino added. "He won't be satisfied unless he can curb-stomp Bee."
66) Rain
"Look at all this destruction!" complained a dying shinobi. "Will you not be satisfied until we are all dead?"
Joker smiled evilly at the Ame ninja. "We won't be satisfied until the Village Hidden in Rain has been flushed down the drain."
Jirobo giggled. "Hey Dad, that rhymed!"
67) Fox
Naruto walked right up to the cage and grinned at the tenant. "Hello Kyuubi."
"F*** you," wheezed the demon. The Nine-Tails had seen better days. He was emaciated. His fur was gray and balding and his skin had dark purple patches. He was still an infinite chakra source, but the feedback from Naruto drawing so much chakra from him on a frequent basis was torture.
"You know, this is still better than you deserve, especially since I learned what you did at the behest of those murderous Uchiha."
"Hypnosis," gasped the fox.
"Bullshit. I know that you enjoyed every minute of every attack you did. They merely used a minor hypnosis to keep you from eating them, and the rest was you. Just you. No loyalty to the Noble Uzumaki Clan that protected you. Traitorous bastard."
The Kyuubi growled at Naruto, but it sounded sickly. "You're... crazy..."
"... like a fox," grinned the blonde. "Not my fault, but at least I understand loyalty."
68) Snow
"So you're sending me to help protect some client on their way to their home?" asked Naruto. "Have you SEEN my mission record? Particularly the one to Wave?"
Tsunade frowned. "I'm sending you because one of your summons could really help the mission. Also, you're going with Shikamaru, Ino, Chouji, and Asuma."
The younger blonde nodded. "How about Shino and Hinata?"
"I will be sending them on a mission to River Country. They will be meeting with a team from Suna and they will take their orders from the senior commanding officer from there."
69) Flying
Gimonfu looked highly amused for some reason.
"Hey, Eddie," began Naruto. "What happened?"
"Genjutsu is a wonderful thing," replied the man in green. "A Chuunin who was being particularly annoying to me has no idea he's in one."
Naruto nodded.
"And there he goes..." Gimonfu said, pointing up at the sky and an object flying through it.
The blond clown blinked up at it. "How did you manage that?"
Gimonfu smiled. "I made him think your mother was single."
Naruto's face blanched. "I think I'm going to be sick."
Edward Nigma chuckled. "This pranking game of yours is rather diverting."
70) Fire
"You idiot," growled Tsunade. "That's our daimyou. The lord of our lands. Don't insult him!"
Naruto snorted. "Doesn't mean he knows what's good for Fire Country."
The noble raised his eyebrow, clearly bemused. "And what is good for our nation?"
Naruto locked eyes with the man. "Laughter."
71) Smoke
Shino was pissed. With all of the smoke around his hive was sleepy. His opponent may have actually figured out his weakness. Oh well.
The Aburame tapped a seal on his wrist, summoning his favorite toy: Hidan's Scythe.
When in doubt, silent killing method.
72) Demon
"You okay, Gaara?" asked Naruto.
"Fine," the redhead assured him.
"... don't you miss the voice in the back of your head?"
Gaara stared stoically at Naruto for several minutes. "I'll manage."
"How about your sand?"
"Unaffected by the extraction of my demon, oddly enough."
"Huh." Naruto was completely confused.
73) Objection
"Next witness," called Tsunade. This trial did not look good, even though she was the judge. Somehow, Sarutobi's old teammates had managed to get a court-martial for Naruto going. The charge? Sasuke's "murder".
Wait, why had Naruto's lawyer called Osore up to the stand? Didn't that sociopath hate the Uzumakis?
"And what is your statement?" asked Kotetsu.
"If Naruto is found guilty, Konoha dies."
"WHAT!" yelled Koharu. "You dare make threats in the courtroom!"
Osore laughed. "It's a fact, rather. See, if Naruto is found guilty, he will receive public execution. Since he'd die anyway, Joker and Harley would try to kill everyone in sight. But they won't need to."
The scrawny man with the burlap bag over his head lifted a radio transmitter. His thumb was keeping a button depressed. "There are canisters hidden throughout the city with my fear toxins kept in ultra-pressurization. If this button does not remain depressed, the toxins will immediately be spread throughout the civilian sectors and will saturate this building. I have the equipment to survive the gas and the Uzumakis are immune to it anyway."
Osore chuckled evilly. "The only reason I haven't done it before is because Joker would kill me. But if you try to kill his son, he'll let me slaughter you all without repercussion. The jury has two minutes to find the Uzumaki brat 'not guilty'."
Not a sound was heard except for the muffled snickers of Joker and Harley.
74) Spicy
"I like this curry," Naruto told the old woman.
"Yosh! It burns with the Flames of Youth!" proclaimed Lee.
Neiji was drinking a jug of water. Tenten, a pitcher of milk.
75) Red Hood
Naruto walked home after a trip to the ninja outfitters. He hoped his father would be proud of his costume change. While much of the outfit resembled what it did before, his head now had a red hood over it, and a red veil cloth over his mouth and nose with the pattern of a fox's toothy grin stitched on it.
He was hoping to get a new name in the Bingo Book.
76) Blade
Naruto swung Hachiman over his head and into a downward arc. Tobi blocked it with an ultra-dense katana, putting a notch into the cutting edge of both swords. Suddenly, Yonman's head materialized and took a chunk out of Tobi's shoulder.
As Naruto pulled his sword back, Yonman smeared the blood all over his muzzle against the flat of the blade.
As it was capable of doing before Hachiman had been bound to it, Kubikiri Honchou absorbed the iron out of the blood smeared on its surface and used that to repair itself.
77) Heart
Hinata struck another one of the masks, her acidic chakra spiraling with her regular chakra into the construct. While she knew she missed the heart inside of the mask, the vortex her chakra made created a vacuum, imploding the mask and destroying everything inside of it.
Kakuzu roared in frustration as yet another one of his hearts died.
78) Regicide
"You know our daimyou would never approve of that," admonished Tsunade.
"What the daimyou doesn't know won't kill him," countered Joker.
The Hokage cocked her head at Joker and frowned. "Did you just threaten to assassinate him?"
"I think he did," stated Osore. "I must say I approve if my plan will be rejected outright."
Tsunade palmed her face.
79) Seven
"Look, Kubikiri Honchou belongs to the Mist. Without it, we can't have our Seven Swordsmen."
Joker chuckled. "You'll just have to have Six from now on, unless you can find a Kiri-nin who can survive signing the Hyena and Jackal Summoning Contract."
"What?" asked the Mizukage.
Naruto grinned. "Dad and I bound the sword to the three-headed Jackal, Hachiman. You won't be able to use the sword unless you can summon him and he decides to not eat you."
80) Hot springs
Naruto found the Toad Sage at his favorite peep-hole, yet again.
"Did you not learn your lesson last time, Ero-sennin?"
"I never learn my lessons," Jiraiya responded.
"Do I need to Rasengan your ass?"
"... What do you want, gaki?"
"Yomi Numa."
Jiraiya sighed. "That is not your element at all."
"True, but I still want to learn it."
81) Smile
"Why would I want to be Hokage?" asked Naruto. "I just want to spread smiles and grins and laughter over all the lands!"
Gimonfu blinked at the blonde's strange pose, then decided to ignore it. "Wouldn't being in a position of power help you facilitate such a goal?"
Naruto blinked for a moment before the young clown grinned. "Eddie, you're a genius!"
"I know."
82) Ships
"So the locals say that some sort of kappa has been sinking their boats?" asked Anko.
"Apparently," Tsunade responded. "I want you to select a team to look into it."
The snake mistress rubbed her chin. "Hyuuga Hinata, Aburame Shino, and Uzumaki Naruto."
"Don't you think that's a little overkill?"
"Well, I need someone who can easily see under the water, a good fighter, and an analyst. Hinata has better eyes than the rest of her clan, and the other two work well with her. Besides, there's no kill quite like overkill."
83) Shoes
Tenten eyed Naruto's footwear. "So why do you wear those heavy boots when most ninja favor sandals?"
"First of all, they are a lot more durable. Steel toes and shanks. Second, they help with chakra training because I have to exert more control and power in order to stick to trees or stand on water. And third, if I could not be silent with these clunky boots, then what kind of ninja would I be!"
"Uh..." began Tenten, but she was interrupted.
"SUCH A YOUTHFUL RESPONSE!"
84) Argument
"No! A thousand times NO!" Jiraiya was exasperated. "We're not bringing your fiancée and best friend with us on our training trip!"
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Hinata?"
She popped her knuckles. "I'm sorry Jiraiya-sama, but I think I'm faster than you are. I can make your testicles explode by the time you can Shunshin away."
Jiraiya suddenly heard a buzzing all around him. A glance to the side revealed glowing kikaichu.
"You're surrounded by exploding insects," chimed Shino. "Your argument is invalid."
85) Shield
Frustrated that two of his hearts were gone, Kakuzu went ahead and sent a number of Jiongu tendrils straight at the pale-eyed bitch who had saved Sharingan Kakashi from his wrath. Hinata raised an eyebrow at the attack before pointing her palms away from her body.
Using her natural flexibility, she moved lances of caustic chakra all around her, creating a sphere of energy.
"Shugohakke Rokujuuyon Akunashou!" (Protection of the Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Venomous Palms)
The Jiongu threads actually screeched in pain as they came in contact with Hinata's defense. Instead of simply falling apart and dissolving like they normally did, the tendrils actually caught fire.
Kakuzu yelled in pain as the Jiongu transferred its torment to him.
86) Acid
Naruto shoved his prisoner's face into a vat, and the man was screaming in pain as he was pulled out. The young clown left the ninja writhing on the floor as he turned to the other captured nin.
"That is hydrochloric acid - the kind found in the average person's stomach. Are you going to tell me what you know or am I going to heartburn your face off?"
87) Pants
"Shino, why are you wearing those? They hug your lower body worse than Guy's and Lee's do."
"They're made of leather."
"Am I going to have to steal them and destroy them or are you going to return to a more sensible wardrobe choice?"
Shino turned to something behind the tree he was standing next to. "Pay up. I told you I could get Naruto to not only be serious, but annoyed at the same time."
Naruto laughed as he saw Shikamaru hand Shino a wad of bills from behind the tree.
88) Brain
"Eddie, what did you do?"
"I think I just fried his brains."
"We'll have to hold on to his comatose body for a couple of weeks to see if he wakes up," stated Ibiki. "If not, we'll just ship him back to Kumo."
89) Plant
The Iwa squad found a clearing in the forest that had strangely colored flowers growing in it. As they tried to leap over it, vines shot up and grasped them by their arms and legs, pulling them down. Seedpods lifted themselves from under the flowers and began to fire at the heads of the screaming ninja.
Elsewhere...
Ivy lifted her head from Tenzou's chest. They had just finished another round of sex and the ANBU captain was asleep. The redheaded woman, though, felt signals coming from her pets she had put in a loose perimiter near the Stone Country borderline.
More plant/zombie slaves had been captured.
90) Grass
Hinata smirked over the corpse of the Snake Sannin. She pulled the sword from his chest and examined it.
Truly, the Kusanagi was a beautiful sword. Maybe she should keep it?
91) Flour
Chouji threw down what looked to be a smoke bomb, but instead of a thick smoke, a white powder filled the air.
The Ame-nin started coughing, not realizing that though they were inoculated to most poisonous gases, they were not immune to common baking flour which was sticking to the insides of their lungs.
92) Freezer
"NARUTO!" yelled Harley.
"Yes, Mom?"
"What have I told you about leaving the freezer door open!"
"That it ruins the corpses we have in there for research?"
"Exactly." She then kicked him in the jaw.
93) Dango
Anko was happy. The twins, Sakon and Ukon, kept paying for her dango addiction. It also helped that they were wonderful in bed.
She'd have to thank Orochimaru before she killed him for bringing her a pair of boyfriends that were willing to share her.
94) Flower
"So this is your army of plant slaves?"
Ivy nodded.
"So that's why they each have a flower growing out of their foreheads?"
95) Orders
"I'm not so sure we were supposed to kill this guy," commented Naruto. "While I enjoyed it… wouldn't it have been better to be able to interrogate him?"
Hinata had a contemplative look before she retrieved the mission scroll from her pocket and re-read it. She then had a bashful look on her face.
"So?" inquired Shino.
"… I read it wrong," she finally replied.
96) Shuriken
Naruto was glad that Chouji's family were catering the wedding. The Akimichi Clan were famous for their food, and they could provide a great deal of it. He turned to see his father leaning back, finished with the meal. Having cleared his plate, he was using a shuriken to pick his teeth.
97) Bomb
Shinobi were so silly sometimes. They usually thought that only seals and tags explode.
"Naruto, how are we going to destroy this building?" asked Shino.
"C-4 yourself," giggled the blonde as he placed a large bag of high-powered explosive near one of the support beams.
98) Hat
"So why would I want to wear that?"
"It's a symbol of the office."
"So?"
"Gaki! You've gotta wear it if you're Hokage. You can't be Hokage and not wear the hat!"
Naruto snorted in derision. "Whatever you say, Granny. I don't want to be Hokage if I have to wear the hat."
As Naruto left, Tsunade found her stash (which Naruto hadn't found yet) and took a long swig from it. "Curse these Uzumakis; they drive me to drink!"
99) Boot
Zetsu popped out of the ground only to have the rubber sole of a boot slam into his nose, shoving the bone straight into his brain.
"FINALLY!" yelled Naruto in relief. "That game of whack-a-mole was getting monotonous."
100) Begin
The Chuunin Exams were being held in Kiri, for once. Naruto turned to his team - three brats only five months out of the academy and boy did they learn a few things about an Uzumaki's sense of humor - and began to address them.
"Before you formally enter the exams, there is one thing you must know."
"And that is?"
The Jounin took a pompous tone. "Some of you may die. That is a sacrifice Konoha is willing to make." Switching gears, Naruto suddenly became serious. "That said, I'll be around to pull your collective bacon out of the fire when I'm allowed to."
End Interlude.
Author's Notes
So my wife started to do this sort of thing with her Hellboy fanfic. I figured it would be a good way to drag my muse (kicking and screaming) back from wherever she was hiding this time (especially since my wife's laptop - the one with many of my writing files stuck on it and no working USB port - died and that scared my muse away for awhile).
Some of these are spoilers and some of them are random "what-ifs". Have fun figuring out which are which.
Thanks go to Dumbledork for making sure this is not laden with typos.
And yes, number 29 is homage to the movie "Batman Begins".
I was definitely going to use 73 in a chapter, but I have no idea if it'll actually fit in the story. Regardless, you have the privilege of reading the scene.
Number 89 is indeed homage to my favorite casual game. And 94 is a Pikmin reference.
Also, my wife has a book out on the Kindle. It's called Glass by LA Knight. Read it if you like the fae (especially the dangerous, flesh-eating kind). Read it if you like Lewis Carroll. Read it if you like urban fantasy. But buy it if you want to help me (since my wife and I have a shared bank account). You can find the url to it on my profile page or you can find her profile page under my "Favorite Authors" tab (she's got the url to the Kindle version AND the large-print paperback flavor on hers). If you want to wait awhile, she's soon going to have the regular type version out for paperback. UPDATE: Links to all versions on my profile.
Also, I'm going to be at Phoenix ComiCon 2012. I'll be dressed as Big Macintosh from FiM. UPDATE: Well, that was fun, though only a couple of people recognized my costume. And I didn't meet up with Hanzo the Salamander 2.0 either.