The day I spent with Lizzy and Cat on our 'date' was incredible. As I anticipated, teaching Lizzy to skate was a lot of fun and that kid is fearless. We'll have to do it again soon. I can still see her smiles and hear her giggles. Lunch at my place was fun too. The talk with Cat helped allay some of my fears. I started thinking about her past and the things you hear and read about the foster system and it worried me. That was compounded when Cat kept evading any discussion of her past. At least she confirmed that she wasn't physically or sexually abused; but, that conversation has only brought up more questions. Who is Lizzy's father and why isn't he helping at least financially? What about Cat's father? She talked about her mother but not her own father. I wanted to ask everything all at once but could clearly see the new stop signs on Cat's face. It wasn't the time to ask more questions. I'd have to wait.
The next two weeks went by quickly. We played a lot of games at home and away and I spent all of my free time with Cat and Lizzy. We built cities with the Megablocks, went to the park and played in the snow and I even got Lizzy back on the ice twice. I had to buy a car seat. Thankfully Duper picked it up for me and installed it too. I have no idea what to do with a toddler or what one needs. I'm glad that I confided in him. The back windows of the truck are tinted so no one can see that there's a car seat in there. We've had so much fun together. It's also been incredibly frustrating. Cat and I haven't found any time together alone. We've had incredible, full on make out sessions but haven't managed more. Our schedules haven't matched up when Lizzy's asleep to repeat our shower fun. At this point, I'd take her any way I could get her but we haven't managed it yet.
"Lizzy seems to be enjoying learning to skate" I hear Duper say beside me.
I turn to him and reply "yeah she is. Thanks for helping me install the car seat. I never would have thought of that myself."
"You're welcome. You don't have kids; why would you think of it? I'm glad Lizzy is enjoying herself. You may have a problem though."
Confused, I ask "what do you mean?"
"I think that Rossi was still around when you had Cat and Lizzy here yesterday. He's unpredictable so he may or may not say anything. If he's smart, he knows he'll be castrated for publishing anything like this but he's not always smart."
Fuck! Rossi is an unknown quantity and can be an ass. If he knows that I'm seeing someone, especially someone with a child, then he can get a lot of exposure and sell a lot of papers. He has to know that Mario would crucify him and whatever was left would be killed by Pat. My agent may be all smiles in public but he is lethal in private.
"Sid?" Duper says.
"Yeah, sorry. We can't prevent Rossi from doing whatever he's going to do. We'll just wait and see I guess. Should I tell Cat?"
"What would you tell her?" Duper asks.
"Good question. Yeah, I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. He couldn't be that much of an ass, could he?"
I look at Duper who simply arches an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I know Duper, he is that much of an ass."
He chuckles and we both finish getting dressed. I can't control the media and especially Rossi. It's going to get out eventually. I don't want to think about it now. Today, I'm taking Cat and Lizzy to the zoo. I've arranged for us to have a private tour of penguin exhibit. Lizzy has been talking about it for days. She's so excited to meet the 'penguns' that she asks me every day if we're going that day. We're counting them down together and today is finally the day. It's cold out but sunny; perfect.
"Sid, are you ready?" I hear Sam call from the change room door.
"Ready for what Sam?" I ask him.
"Mario is waiting with the UPMC and Consol guys. There are a few other big corporate sponsors too. You're having the meet and greet."
Fuck! I forgot about the sponsor thing. That means I'm going to be late for the zoo. Looking at my watch, I do some quick calculations and I should only be an hour late, two at the most. We'll still be able to have a great time at the zoo.
"Ok, let me send a quick message" I tell him and Sam looks at his watch. We must be running late already. "Ok, I'll text on the way" I tell him and Sam looks relieved.
I follow him down the hall and to the elevator. Once inside, I send Cat a message.
'Forgot about a sponsor thing. Will be an hour or two late. Sorry.'
It takes a moment but then she texts back 'ok, we'll see you soon'
I put the phone on silent and then in my pocket.
The room is elaborately set up for a luncheon. Double fuck! It's lunch too. I reach for my phone when I hear "there he is!" Mario approaches me with two men. I can tell that I'm late and he's not happy. Ok, time to put on the shine and charm my way out of this and make everyone happy again. With that as my focus, I put everything else out of my mind.
One hour went by quickly. Since Lizzy can't tell time, she didn't realize that Sid was late. Of course I kept her busy making a card for Sid to thank him for taking us to the zoo. The thirty minutes after that were a little dicey with some wining and lots of questions. I haven't heard from Sid again after I sent a few texts and two calls. After ninety minutes, the wining became acting out and periodic crying. I tried to feed her because dinner time came and went; still no Sid.
I finally lied to her and said that Sid was very sorry he couldn't make it but he'll take us another day. That started the mother of all tantrums complete with throwing toys, kicking and screaming and tears, lots of tears. It broke my heart to watch her disappointment and despair. Dinner didn't happen, she wouldn't eat, and I skipped the bath to put Lizzy directly to bed a full hour earlier than her bedtime. The emotional unrest of the afternoon exhausted her and she fell right to sleep.
Back in the living room, I dropped to the sofa and closed my eyes for a moment. Now that Lizzy's asleep, I start worrying about Sid; this isn't like him to not text or call at all. He could be hurt. What if he was in a car accident or maybe he went back on the ice during the sponsor thing and got hurt? I check my phone and there's still nothing. I don't know who to even contact to see if there was an accident. I call his number again and it rings and rings before going to voice mail.
The front door buzzes and I run to it.
"Sid?" I ask.
"Yeah, it's me. Let me in?"
I buzz him in, open my front door and wait. It seems to take forever for the elevator to 'ding' and Sid to walk out. He's barely made it a few feet when I run to him and jump into his arms. We simply hold each other for a moment.
"You're ok" I whisper.
Sid chuckles and says "yeah I'm ok."
I lean back now look at him. He's fine and looks apologetic with a small smile on his face too. He looks like he's just a few minutes late rather than the four that devastated a three year old. I'm about to scream when I remember that we're in the hall so I turn and walk back to the apartment. Sid follows me in and, after the door has closed, I turn.
"Where have you been? Why didn't you return any of my texts or calls?"
Sid takes out his phone and then looks at me, sheepishly.
"I'm sorry Cat. I forgot to take it off silent. I'm so sorry for bailing this afternoon. I forgot about this sponsor thing and then found out it was a luncheon after I got there. When I finished, I thought that I'd come right here and make it up to you in person so I didn't look at my phone."
Sid has that apologetic look on his face with a small smile again. He tries to pull me to him for a kiss. I push away and back up a few feet scared that I might just punch that smile off of his face.
"What's up? I'm really sorry Cat. Honest. I'll make it up to you" he says.
"And Lizzy" I say.
"Lizzy too, of course."
"You have no idea what you've done, do you? I managed to keep Lizzy busy for what was supposed to be an hour. The next hour had her asking me where her 'Sidwee' was to take her to see the 'penguns.' The next hour was the tantrum; crying, screaming, throwing things around. Finally, the tantrum ended with her sobbing in my arms for her 'Sidwee' and eventually I was able to put her to bed, exhausted and heart broken."
"I'm so sorry Cat. I'll take her to zoo tomorrow."
He doesn't get it.
"Sid, it isn't about the zoo. You could watch cartoons with her all day. She doesn't want things; she wants you. You have to understand that Sid. She was heartbroken today. In the past two weeks we've had to reschedule or you've been late but not like this; not for something this big that you hyped a lot for her."
"I am so sorry. It's part of my life that stuff comes up for hockey and it always will. I need the people in my life to be flexible to that because it's going to happen."
He really, really doesn't get it.
"Sid, she's a three year old little girl. She doesn't understand being flexible. All she knows is that you said that you were coming and you didn't."
"And I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?"
"Why didn't you call or at least send a text? Take one minute to call and tell her yourself that you're sorry and will make it up to her. She would still be upset but talking to you would help. She wouldn't have been so confused or felt deserted. I was worried, really worried that you were hurt or something horrible happened. I didn't know who to call to see if you were ok!"
I guess I'm angry about more than the effect on Lizzy.
"There was nothing wrong Cat."
"I didn't know that Sid and because we're still you're dirty little secret, I didn't even know how to find out if you were still alive!"
"Are we back to that again? I thought you understood why I didn't want anyone to know. I thought you got it. My life is complicated; you need to get that."
Suddenly I'm scared; very scared that I've made a huge mistake. Maybe we've just been playing house and I've been pretending that we can have a life together. Lizzy loves Sidney so much and now she's hurt. My instincts have been warring ever since I met Sid; I wanted to keep Lizzy and Sid separate until I was sure this would work but fate kept pushing us all together. I thought when he made sure there were car seats and had a little helmet for Lizzy that he understood children.
"Sid, I am getting that your life is complicated. I get that this is a compressed season because of the lock out. I get that you need to put all of your efforts into hockey and everything else comes second. It's because I get it that this is over."
The words leave my mouth before they've gone fully through my brain. When my heart argues, my brain remembers Lizzy's crying face and her broken heart. I turn away from Sid so that he can't see my eyes filling with tears and regret.
"If that's what you want Cat" Sid says softly and then a moment later I hear the click of the door.
I turn at the sound and find Sid is gone. How did we get here?
How did we get here? As I drive away, that keeps rolling over and over in my head. Just how did we get here?
Hockey has to come first. Cat gets that, doesn't she? How can she not? This is my first full season healthy in two years. I need to focus on hockey and winning. Geno's healthy, I'm healthy and the team is clicking. We are going to win the Cup this year. I can feel it.
Lizzy. Cat said that her heart was broken. That she was sobbing for me. I know she's incredibly excited when she sees me and I am for her; but, surely Cat was exaggerating about how upset Lizzy was when I didn't show up. The guys with kids deal with this all the time and Lizzy isn't even my kid. Cat was over reacting. Besides, hockey has always come first. You can't be at the top of the game without sacrifices. I've managed to avoid relationships during the season so that I don't have to worry about anything but hockey. How does Duper or Flower do it? They have kids. Fuck, Lizzy isn't even my kid.
Ok, I need to think of something else or I'm going to really go crazy. I need to work out so I go back to Consol. My pass lets me in but I stop at security so that they know I'm here.
"Hey Sid. What are you doing back?"
"Hi Tom. I decided to work out after all."
"You work too hard Sid."
That's not the first time I've heard that so I simply chuckle and head to the locker room. I change into my gear and turn on the lights as I go to the gym. I hate running but it usually works when I'm pissed off. I start steady but quickly increase speed and incline. It feels good; the steady thump of my feet on the tread, the sweat rolling down my back, the push and pull of my muscles. I blank my mind and focus solely on those things.
I'm surprised when I see that I've been running for forty five minutes. First I slow down and then I stop. I don't feel any more frustration or anger. Now I'm simply tired and, well, sad. The only thing I'm absolutely sure of is that I need to make this right with Lizzy. If she is that upset then I need to see her and make sure that she's ok even if Cat and I are broken up.
Maybe I'll stop by when Cat's at work so it's less painful on us both. That thought gets me through the night and the next day's practice. Now that I'm at the door ready to ring the buzzer, I doubt that this really is a good idea. What am I going to say to Lizzy about why we won't see each other anymore? What am I going to say?
I must walk back and forth a dozen times in front of the door. Before I can talk myself out of it, I press the button.
"Hello?" Fuck! It's Cat. She's supposed to be working.
"Hi Cat. I thought you were working. I can come back."
"Why are you here Sid?"
This is way more complicated than I wanted it to be and it was already complicated.
"I thought about what you said and I want to see Lizzy. I don't want to leave it like that for her."
There's silence for the longest time. I'm about to walk away when I hear the buzz to open the door.
I feel the butterflies in my stomach intensify the closer I get to her door. It takes a couple of deep breaths before I can knock on her door. Cat answers quickly and I take her in with greedy eyes.
Her hair is in a ponytail and she's not wearing makeup. There are dark circles under her eyes and her lips are pursed.
"Hi" I say.
"Hi" she replies. "What are you going to say?" She asks in a low voice.
I really don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead. She can see my thoughts on my face.
"Sid, really, you can't just arrive and not know what you're going to say to her."
I know she's right. I'm going to make this worse if I'm not careful.
"What should I say?" I ask her.
She sighs. "Tell her that you are going to be traveling a lot and may not see her for a while. I'll handle it from there in a few weeks."
With that, Cat backs up and lets me come in. I take off my shoes and coat.
"Lizzy" Cat calls for her daughter.
When Lizzy comes around the corner, I know the moment that she sees me.
"Sidwee!" she screams and runs to me at full speed.
I pick her out of the air and hug her to me. Her small arms wrap around my neck and cling. I take a deep breath and breathe in talc and crayons. The break up with Cat has been killing me; but, the break up with the little girl in my arms may just destroy me.
I walk us over to the sofa and sit down with Lizzy still in my arms.
"Goin' to zoo?" She asks.
"No sweetie, not today."
I watch her smile turn into a pout quickly and she buries her face in my neck.
"Zoooooo" she says into my neck and the sound squeezes my heart.
"I know princess. I'm sorry" is all I can say.
Lizzy leans back and takes my cheeks in her hands so that I'm looking into her tear filled eyes; my heart is squeezed even tighter.
"Sidwee" she says in a very small voice.
It is like she knows that something is wrong. She may be picking up on Cat's mood or mine but she knows. I take a deep breath and decide to rip off the proverbial band aid.
"Lizzy, I'm going to be traveling a lot and you may not see me for a while. It could be a long time" I tell her.
I can see her struggling to understand what I'm saying. God, this is harder than I ever could have imagined.
"Lizzy, I'm going to say goodbye today and you won't see me for a long time."
She understands, finally.
"Why?" Is all she says.
Shit.
"I have to go away to work" I continue the lie.
"Why?" She says again.
Fuck.
"It's my job Lizzy."
She squeezes my cheeks now and simply says "no."
Those eyes are a replica of her mother's. When I look at Cat, she has the same disappointed look as Lizzy. Only her eyes are disappointed in me. I really thought that she understood that hockey sometimes messes up plans. It always will. I look back at Lizzie and it hits me; this is why Cat didn't want us to include Lizzy in our relationship initially. She wanted us to see if we work before bringing in this tiny heart.
Lizzy lays her head on my shoulder and sniffles. Cat is still standing there hugging herself. She's every bit as strong and beautiful as the moment I met her and every moment since. She's quick witted and funny. She's sweet and kind and sexy as hell. I'm left wondering, again, how did we get here? I could easily say that it was just this once and I can make it up to both of them but that wouldn't be true. Hockey will always interfere with life plans. If this isn't something that Cat can deal with than this definitely won't work. I will constantly disappoint her and Lizzy.
I stand with Lizzy still in my arms. She wraps her arms and legs around me tight and I feel the squeeze all the way to my heart again.
"Ok Lizzy, I have to go" I tell her. I almost call her 'princess' but it hurts too much to say.
"No!"
"Lizzy, Sid has to leave now" Cat says.
"No!"
I look at Cat who is staring at me. Crouching down, I place Lizzy on her feet and pry her arms from around my neck.
"I have to go Lizzy. You be a good girl for you mommy, ok?"
A tear spills out over her cheek. I peck quickly at her lips and leave. The last image I have is of Lizzy standing in front of Cat with her hands on Lizzy's shoulders. The both look very sad expressing exactly how I feel.
I don't really remember leaving or driving away. I really want to have a dozen drinks or so but I don't. In a shortened season I can't afford to have a hangover. I find myself in front of Duper's house and text him to make sure that I'm not interrupting anything. He invites me in.
Duper lets me in and says "give me a minute. I need to put Kody down. Head into the living room and I'll meet you there in a few minutes."
I nod and head in to wait for him. There's a game on so I settle down to watch. Duper doesn't make me wait long. He gives me a glass of red wine and sits beside me.
"Ok, what's going on?" He asks me.
I take a deep breath and it all spills out; how happy I've been with Cat and Lizzy, the fun we've had the three of us and also just Cat and I alone. It's very unlike me but I even tell him how incredible the sex was.
"This is why I don't date during the season. It just doesn't work Dupe."
"You're full of shit Sid."
This definitely takes me by surprise.
"What the fuck" I say back.
"You heard me. You're full of shit."
"Ok" is all I can say.
"She has a child. You knew that going in and you knew that kids make things complicated. I have four and you see the struggle it is for us."
"That's just it Dupe. You make it work with four. You can't be at everything or hold up to all of your promises. It's part of being a hockey player."
"My schedule isn't like yours of course but I don't miss the commitments I make. I'm really careful about the ones I do make and then I work at them coming true. Remember last week when we were in Boston? Kody had that big recital and I couldn't be there. Do you remember what I did?"
I think back and can't remember. "No, I don't" I reply.
"We were able to time it so that I heard him play over the phone and then I talked to him."
I think about it. The Dupuis' make everything look so effortless that I've never thought about the effort it takes.
"So what should I have done about the zoo Dupe?"
"First, get your schedule right dude to prevent this kind of thing. If something does happen, you need to call and talk to the kid yourself. She's a baby Sid. Three years old is really just a baby emotionally."
I think about what he said and that's what Cat was trying to get me to understand. She was explaining the challenges of a three year old. It's not all fun and the zoo. Shit, I also never thought about what I put her through by simply not showing up. Then she had to take care of Lizzy too.
"I'm an ass Duper."
"Yeah, but we like you anyway."
I chuckle. "How am I going to fix this Duper? I really want to spend more time with Cat. There's still so much that I don't know about her."
"Don't just jump back in Sid. Make sure that you know what you're getting into."
Fuck. "Yeah, ok."
What do I do now?