For the next week, Lizzy asked about Sid every day. How can I possibly heal my own heart when my daughter's is just as broken? My days are busy of course. One of the other girls is sick so I have been working a few doubles and Lizzy has been very needy. I barely have a moment to myself. Of course I'm not that upset because when I'm busy then I can't think or focus on what I've lost. At night, my body betrays me and I dream of Sidney. Sometimes it's of the three of us playing in the snow or watching cartoons. Most often it's of incredible nights with Sid doing things to me that has me waking with my body aching for his. I could swear that I still feel his touch on my bare skin. Of course they are only dreams and nothing has changed.
Thankfully, tonight is a slow one and we may even close early. The snow outside is piling up quickly and most people are smart and stay at home. To stay busy, we've done a thorough clean of the diner from top to bottom and back to front. Every surface has been scrubbed and shines. There's a great deal of satisfaction in the work and hopefully I'll be tired enough to simply fall asleep quickly tonight.
"Cat, let's close up. No one is coming out in this weather. Give me a few to close down the kitchen and then I'll drive you home."
"Tessa, I live the opposite way of you. It'll be a long ride but the bus will drop me off right in front of my apartment building. Let me help you close things up and then we can both leave" I call back to her.
"I can drive you home" I hear from the front door.
I turn and see Sid standing there. I didn't even hear him come in. We simply stare at each other, neither of us moving, our eyes greedily taking in the other.
"Why don't you head out now Cat? It won't take me long to finish up here. Hi Sid" Tessa says.
Without taking his eyes off of me, Sid calls out "Hi Tessa."
I literally can't move right now. Sid is standing there wearing jeans, winter coat and baseball hat. The snow that covered him from the car to the diner is quickly melting. He looks sad and gorgeous. What do I do?
"Please Cat" he whispers just loud enough for me to hear.
There starts the war between my head and my heart again. The pleading in Sid's eyes makes up my mind; I'll go with him and hear what he has to say. That's all I'll commit to right now.
I nod to him and then go back to the kitchen to get my things.
"Maybe he wants to make up" Tessa says to me.
"I don't know Tess. Nothing has changed" I reply.
"Cat, just listen to what he has to say. At the very least, you'll get a drive home."
Leave it to Tessa to find a practical side of an emotional situation. It makes me chuckle.
While putting on my coat, I head back into the dining room and Sid gives me a small, shy smile. I nod and head out the door in front of him. Sid's truck is already covered in snow. The lights flash as he unlocks the doors.
"Get in and I'll clear off the snow" he tells me.
I follow his directions and climb into the passenger side. The smell of Sid's cologne hits me first. He must have just had a shower before he came here. Shortly, Sid climbs in, starts the truck then pulls slowly onto the road. There are very few cars out and the roads are covered in deep snow. Sid drives very slowly but still skids a few times. There must be ice under the snow. He turns onto a side street and the car continues to turn even after he tries to straighten. Sid fights the skid but we still slide across the four lanes until we stop facing the wrong way on the other side of the street.
"Are you ok?" Sid asks me when we've stopped.
"Yeah" I reply.
He starts the car again and tries to go forward. The wheels only spin. Sid must be used to winter weather because he expertly rocks the truck a few times to get us free of the ditch. He continues slowly down the street for a few more moments.
"Are you sure you're ok?" he asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine Sid, really."
We continue in silence again. Sid tries to stop at an intersection but the wheels lock and we slide right through it narrowly missing another vehicle.
When Sid has control of the truck again, he says "fuck this" and turns away from the route to my apartment.
"Where are we going? What are you doing Sid?"
"It is way too dangerous out here. I'm a few minutes away so I'm going to my place."
I feel a panic start from my toes and spread throughout my entire body. I wasn't sure I wanted Sid to drive me home; I sure as shit don't want to go to his place.
"Sid, really, just drop me at the bus stop. They drive through anything and will let me off in front of my apartment." I know that I sound panicked but I can't help it.
"I'm not leaving you at the side of the road in this weather Cat."
That's all he says as he continues to drive to his place. We do arrive relatively quickly. When we get up to Sid's apartment, we take off all of our wet clothes and Sid turns on his gas fireplace.
"I'm going to make some hot chocolate and soup. Would you like something?" Sid asks me.
I want to say no. I want to say that I won't be here long enough. I say "both would be great. Thank you."
I know that I'm not leaving with the weather like it is and my stomach is telling me how hungry I am.
When Sid goes into the kitchen, I call Miss Sally.
"Hello?"
"Hi Miss Sally."
"Cat, where are you girl? It looks horrible out there."
"Yeah, it is. Actually, Sid came to the diner and we were driving home. The roads are treacherous so we went to his place. I'm definitely not going to make it home."
"Can't say as I'm upset that you're with Sid."
"Yeah, I thought you would say that. Can I talk to Lizzy?"
The phone is silent for a few moments then "Mommy?"
"Hi baby. Are you having fun with Miss Sally?"
"Played tea party."
"I bet it was a great tea party. Sweetie, I won't be home tonight. The snow is falling hard so I'm staying with a friend. I'll see you in the morning."
"Pancakes?"
She's already learned how to bargain. "Yes, I'll make pancakes when I get home."
"Yay!"
"I have to go. Good night baby. Love you."
"Bye mommy."
"Cat, you still there?" Miss Sally asks.
"Yep, I'm still here. Thanks again."
"Of course missy. Enjoy yourself."
She hangs up before I can correct her. There is no fun for this evening.
"Soups on" Sid calls from the dining room.
I head in and see that he's set the table with soup, hot chocolate and bread.
"Looks good" I tell him.
We both stand there in an awkward silence. Sid gestures to a chair so I sit. We each eat and there's more awkward silence. I'm almost halfway through my soup when Sid is the first to break to talk.
"So, um, I guess I should explain why I was at the diner" he begins. "How is Lizzy?"
That's not what I expected.
"She's good. Still doing everything at a million miles an hour. She's discovered that if she runs fast in the apartment then she can slide on the floor" I answer.
We both laugh but then we're back to awkward silence.
"Anyway" Sid starts again. "I owe you an apology Cat. I, um, I didn't realize how it would affect Lizzy that way. I would have done things differently if I'd realized."
An apology is unexpected. I don't know what to say.
"Ok" is all I manage.
I notice that we're both finished our soup so I pick up a few dishes and head into the kitchen. I hear Sid doing the same.
After rinsing the dishes in my hands, I put them on the counter to go back and grab the rest. When I turn, I walk directly into Sid's chest. He grabs my waist to steady me and my hands go to his chest. I look up into his eyes and all breath leaves me. It's like a punch and it's overwhelming. I try to push past Sid but he pulls me back to him and cups my cheek gently.
"Cat" he whispers.
I can't speak or move. Sid lowers his head until his lips are a breath away. His eyes darken and bore into mine. It's as if he's waiting for me to move the last inch. It doesn't take me long to decide. I sway into Sid and our lips meet. The kiss is soft and sweet. It's like remembering a beautiful moment and it materializes in front of you.
We part and Sid holds an inch away from my lips. Again he seems to be waiting for me to decide if this is what I want. Nothing has changed between us. We still have lives that aren't compatible. Sid wants to come and go as he wants but I have a three year old who doesn't understand and who's heart breaks a little every time. But right now all that seems to be in question is what I want and what I want, crave, more than anything is Sidney. I grab his shoulders and pull him to me. The instant our lips touch, we abandon all sweetness.
Sid pulls me closer and then up so that I can wrap my legs around his waist. He backs me until I'm sitting on the counter and Sid is pressed against me between my legs. We take greedy gulps of each other's lips and I feel Sid's hands slide up under my sweater. My fingers are digging into his shoulders trying to pull him even closer to me. Our tongues dual and I hear Sid groan deep. It spurs me on and I moan loud and long when Sid presses himself further between my legs.
His lips leave mine, travel down my neck and to my ear. He kisses and sucks at the tender flesh there and then nips at my lobe. My nails dig into his shoulders through his tee shirt. He responds by nipping harder. I can feel myself getting wetter and wetter and I grind against him uncontrollably.
I'm desperate to feel his warm skin so I back away momentarily and pull off his tee shirt. Sid helps by raising his arms. That leaves me with a wide expanse of chest to touch and kiss and lick so I do all three. The taste of his skin is both familiar and foreign. The hard muscles flex and move under my fingers. I feel Sid pulling my sweater up so I pull back just long enough for him to pull it off and then I continue the exploration of his chest with my lips and tongue.
Sid pulls my bra straps down which captures my arms to my sides. He pushes me away slightly and kneels in front of me pulling my bra to my waist with him. My hands feast in his hair as his lips attack one nipple. While his mouth alternates between sucking, licking and nipping at one nipple, his finger and thumb play with the other. My nails dig into his scalp and urge him on. I feel his ministrations down to my core and he knows it. His mouth moves to my other breast and his free hand moves lower. He rubs me through my yoga pants and I grind against his hand. I have to hold onto the counter so that I don't simply dissolve into a puddle on the floor. Sid stands again in front of me and his eyes bore into mine while his hands slip into the waist of my pants.
"Up" he tells me hoarsely.
I do as he directs and lift my hips. He strips both the pants and panties off of me. His lips attack my neck and then travel lower. He pauses to play with each breast and a shiver races through my whole body. He keeps going lower, presses my thighs far apart so that I am completely open to him. I shiver again only this time in anticipation.
Sid takes a long, slow lick and pauses slightly to flick over and over at my click.
"Ahhhhhh" I cry out and almost slide off of the counter. Only Sid's hands on my inner thighs hold me in place.
Before I can adjust to anything, Sid dives his tongue inside of me. I cry out again as his tongue continues to dart in and out and his nose adds friction on my clit. I bang the back of my head against the cabinets but don't even feel it. The pressure is building inside of me faster and faster as Sid increases the speed of his tongue. I can't focus anymore. There is just too much feeling, too much sensation, too much everything. I've been dreaming of this since I last saw Sid that it feels like my dreams were foreplay for this very moment. My release hits me with a violence that I've never experienced before; not even with Sid. I feel sweat break out everywhere. There is a current of electricity traveling over my skin and tingling hot and cold.
I look down and see Sid wiping his face with his tee shirt. His look is still fierce and his eyes dark with desire.
I undo my bra and throw it on the floor. Sid stands and lifts me again so that I'm straddling his waist. I grasp his shoulders and Sid walks us to his bedroom. He lays me down and stands beside the bed. I watch with greedy eyes as Sid sheds his jeans and underwear. He stands naked in front of me. My eyes try to take in every inch of his hard, muscled body. Sid's eyes lock with mine and I shiver at the intensity I see there.
He shifts for a moment and grabs a condom from the bedside table then comes back to the bed. While he's doing that, I move to sit at the edge of the bed.
Sid moves back to me and stands between my legs. I take the condom from him, open the packet and pull it out. I look up at Sid and watch his eyes as I roll the condom over him slowly. His eyes narrow and he bites his bottom lip. When he's fully sheathed, I back up to the centre of the bed and Sid follows me. He kneels between my legs and pulls me up until we're chest to chest and my legs are wrapped around him.
We hold where we are for what is only minutes but feels like hours. Sid's hands are around my waist and lift me up. I reach down between us, take his shaft in my hand and guide myself over him as Sid lowers me. I sigh as he fills me completely. I wait a moment to adjust to his size and I can feel my juices sliding over him.
"Look at me" Sid hisses and only then do I realize that my eyes are closed. I open them and lock my eyes with his. Slowly, very slowly, I begin to rock against him. He slides in and out of me very shallow. It causes a great friction at my entrance and I shudder each time. I feel Sid's fingers digging into my back and ass. He pulls me up further on my next movement. He slides right out of me and attacks first one breast and then the other. My fingers dig into his hair again and I urge him on further.
When I can't take any more, I grab tufts of hair and yank his head back to attack his lips. I suck on the bottom one, nip at it then sooth with my tongue. I repeat the actions with the top lip too. Sid must reach his limit because he pulls me up and away slightly. When I'm kneeling over him, I slide down again and he easily slips inside. Now we've both hit our limit so we set a hard, fast rhythm. I notice the little things: our breath is loud and fast; the slap of our bodies coming together as I leak all over us both; Sid's groaning and my moaning over and over and over.
We are rushing to our climax hard. I can feel that every muscle in Sid's body is taut a he's barely holding it together. I shift slightly so that he grazes my clit with each thrust and my orgasm quickly washes over me.
As I cling to Sidney, I feel him let go as he cries out "fuuuuuk!"
We stay where we are for a few moments. I slowly realize that we're still wrapped around each other, Sid is still inside of me although flaccid now and I feel very, very sticky.
We pull away at the same time and neither of us are smiling as we always have after sex. Sid slides off the bed but brings me with him. In the bathroom, he strips off the condom and then walks to the shower. I'm left standing in the middle of the bathroom naked and feeling very vulnerable. What am I doing?
"Come here" Sid says and pulls me into the shower with him. I can't say that he's gentle about it. He pushes me under the hot spray but it really feels good. I tilt my head back and push my hair away from my face. The water feels really good over my body and works out some of the aches and pains.
I'm surprised when I feel Sid's hands slide over my body. He's lathered them with soap and is currently spreading that lather everywhere. He starts at my shoulders and neck. His hands slide down to my fingers and back up my arms. I shiver in anticipation as his fingers slide over my chest and then cup each breast. In unison, his thumbs flick over my nipples.
"Ah!" I cry out and he does it again and again. I back up against the wall so that I don't fall down. Sid follows me, lathers his hands up again and starts at my waist. He works his hands lower and lower. They go over my hips, then down my legs and back up again. As Sid stands, he slides his wet body against mine. When he's standing, he takes the shower head off of the wall and rinses me thoroughly. He hasn't touched between my legs yet. I've had multiple orgasms now but I'm still aching for more; much, much more.
When I'm rinsed to his satisfaction, Sid stands and slides his hands over me. He's not touching me as much as possessing me. It feels like he's branding me as his with every touch.
"Open your eyes" Sid tells me.
I'm struck by how demanding he is tonight. It's different than he's been before, I like it, but it's definitely different.
When I look at Sid, I see him lathering up his hands and I know there is only one place left to wash. Sid takes my lips in a searing kiss and continues to devour my lips while his hand slides between my legs. I moan when his fingers slip between my folds. He takes advantage and deepens the kiss while sliding two fingers inside of me. I can't keep my eyes open now because of the pleasure that Sid's clever fingers are bringing me. I'm tender after what we've already done but I don't want him to ever stop. He'll have me mewing soon I'm sure.
His fingers and lips leave my body. Now I do moan, feeling bereft.
"Patience" Sid whispers into my ear. I feel his breath wash through me. He grabs the shower head again and I shiver when he opens my folds and rinses me.
After replacing the shower head again, Sid slides down my body leaving a trail of kisses as he goes. I rest my hands on his shoulders as Sid lifts one of my legs over his shoulders. This was my undoing the last time we showered together and I anticipate the same now.
When I feel Sid's tongue on my clit, I almost come undone from that small touch alone. I'm so sensitive from everything else that we've done that I'm unsure I can take any more. Sid doesn't care. He flicks it again and I whimper; I actually whimper. That's my last thought because Sid goes to work with his lips and tongue and I remember nothing else except feeling rushing over me. Sensation after sensation washes over my skin and deep inside of me. I'm lost in feeling. The only reason I don't fall to the floor of the shower as I completely come apart is because Sid is holding me up.
When I open my eyes, I see Sid's eyes boring into mine still dark with desire. I reach down and take him in hand; he's rock hard again. I'm surprised when Sid guides me down so that I'm kneeling in front of him. I was going to do this myself but Sid has never asked or indicated he wanted me to do it before.
His hard dick fills my mouth and I go to work. I slide him in and out, lick up and down and suck at the tip. He doesn't last very long and his body seizes as he climaxes. Sid helps me stand and dunks us both under the water again. He hands me the shampoo and then soaps up his own body. It feels weird now. It's never felt weird before. It's awkward; that's it, very awkward.
After we finishing washing and then dry off, Sid gives me a tee shirt to sleep in and we climb into his bed. We don't touch but curl into our own sides of his king bed.
"Do you work early tomorrow?" he asks.
"No, I'm off tomorrow" I reply.
"Ok, I'll set the alarm for 8am and we'll see what the roads are like."
"Ok" I reply.
This doesn't feel right. It feels impersonal. It feels artificial. It doesn't feel like 'us.'
I can't stop my mind from whirling. I hear Sid's breathing slow and he's clearly fallen asleep while I'm still wide awake.
I wait a while longer then slip out of bed and tiptoe out to the hall. With the door shut behind me, I turn on the light and head into the kitchen where I find my clothes. After I dress, I look for some paper and leave Sid a note.
'Couldn't sleep so I headed home.' I write. What else can I say? Sorry Sid, the sex was great but I'm weird so I left. Ug.
I put on my boots, coat and bundle up for the snowy weather. Fuck it. I can't afford it but I call a cab. I really don't want to stand at a bus stop. With a last look around, I make sure that I have everything and then sigh. This will be the last time I see this place and Sid. I guess we went out with a bang; I can't even laugh at my own lame joke.
I want to leave with a feeling of resolution; but, all I feel is regret.