"Sid" I start and don't know where to go next. Maybe I should ask Sid what he wants to know.
"Yes" he replies while I'm still thinking.
"Is there anything you want to ask me?"
"About what?" He asks.
"About anything Sid. I really want to open up more so, I guess, is there anything that you want to ask me?"
Sid is quiet for a few moments. Maybe I shouldn't have done it this way; the longer he's quiet, the more I worry. I know it's coming. He's going to ask me about Lizzy's father. If we're going to have a future then we need to talk about it. Oh boy.
She looks so tired that I almost tell her that we can talk another time but I just can't do it. I have to know.
"Tell me about him" is all I say.
Cat slides off my lap and down beside me on the sofa.
After a deep breath, she begins.
"I was a very different person then Sid. You wouldn't recognize me from back then. I told you about the foster homes but there were a lot of them. I bounced around from one to another. From each one, I ran away at few times. The foster parents never told social services because then they'd have to give back the money they got for being a foster parent. When you're a kid, they screen the parents carefully. When you're a teenager, they don't really care about the parents as much. It was never happy or fun to be in those homes. The best you could hope for was to be ignored."
She pauses now so I wait. I'd love to hurry her up to answer my question directly but I instinctively know that she needs to tell this her own way.
"Anyway, I was pretty wild. From twelve years old I was already staying out all night, drinking and hanging out with older kids. I went to school on and off. Periodically, a teacher would care enough to call my foster parents but nothing ever really happened. There were no rules and no one cared."
She pauses again. I feel my heart ache for her like it did when she told me about her mother and early childhood. I want to spare her the pain of reliving this but it's something that we need to talk about.
"I lost my virginity when I was twelve without even thinking about it or making the decision. He was older and paid attention to me. That's all I really wanted was to be special to someone. That began the long list of guys and it's truly a miracle that I didn't get pregnant earlier or worse, a disease. There were more guys than I can remember."
I hear her, I'm taking in what she's saying but I don't believe it. Basically she was abused by these guys. Twelve years old for fuck sakes!
"As I got older, I used sex to get things; sometimes clothes and shoes, sometimes a meal or a place to stay for the night. It was easy and simple and guys always wanted me. I may have been too young when it all started but, as I got older, I knew exactly what I was doing and why. Men were simply a means to an end. When I was sixteen, I started going to bars and clubs where the college kids hung out. Most of the college boys were eager to buy drinks for pretty girls hoping to get laid. Anyway, you asked me about Lizzy's father. The truth is, um" she pauses again, takes a deep breath then continues. "The truth is that I don't know who her father is Sid. It could be one of a dozen guys, most of whom I didn't even know their names and definitely never saw them again. I had sex with too many guys to know who actually got me pregnant; someone's condom broke sometime."
I'm conscious that my brain is trying to focus on one thing but it's going in so many directions all at the same time. In all of the scenarios that played through my mind since I met Cat, I never expected this from her. In my mind, I figured that she was taken advantage of by some older man, got pregnant and he wanted nothing to do with her. I even imagined that he tried to buy her off but she was too proud to accept it or didn't want to 'owe' him for anything. Maybe he was so horrible that she didn't want him to be close to Lizzy. But none of that is true. The truth is that she had sex, voluntarily, with so many guys around the time that she got pregnant that any of them could be the father.
"Sid, say something."
I'm too stunned to talk. Since I met Cat, she's always been strong and sacrificing, heroic even, and now I find out that she was a ... I don't want to finish that sentence. It feels disloyal to even think of her that way, like the puck bunnies that chase around hockey players.
I look down at her and, for the very first time, Cat looks fragile. She's been worried, and looked tired before, but this fragility scares me. It's almost like she expects me to blow up or hit her or something.
"Sid?" She asks again.
"Yeah, sorry" I reply. I go with my instincts to protect her. "Thank you for telling me. I appreciate you being honest" I say and pull Cat back into my arms and she sighs deeply.
"I was so worried Sid. I want to be honest with you about everything, always. Now you know everything about me, my past, everything. It's all out there for you."
She chuckles and cuddles closer. Oh fuck. I'm not even sure how I feel but I am glad that she feels better. I'll need to figure it all out later.
"Does that mean that you're naked?" I ask her.
Cat chuckles as I hoped she would.
"Why don't we have a nap ourselves?" I ask her. "We didn't get much sleep last night and it's been a stressful morning. Lizzy will probably be down for a while yet, right?"
Cat yawns and says "I guess I have to say yes since I'm already yawning at the thought."
I stand and pull Cat with me. We walk arm in arm to the bedroom and climb into bed together. Cat settles beside me curled into my body. It doesn't take her long to drop off. I know that sleep won't come quite that easily to me, maybe never.
I wake slowly to a whispered "mommy."
I open my eyes and see Lizzy beside the bed clutching her penguin with a mass of curly blond hair. Then I remember the stitches and sit straight up.
"Are you ok sweetie?"
Lizzy nods at my question and my heart rate slows. I see that Sid is sleeping so I get out of bed and take Lizzy's hand. We go into the kitchen.
"How's your head sweetie?"
"Hurts" she replies and sticks out her bottom lip. Poor thing.
I pour some juice in her sippy cup and get my purse for the baby aspirin. Lizzy takes the medication and we go into the living room. She notices that the side table is gone and I watch her eyes fill with tears. Picking her up onto my lap, I hug my little girl to me.
"Dancing" Lizzy says. "No more dancing."
Awe the poor thing.
"Sweetie, dancing is ok and a lot of fun. We just need to be more careful where we dance, ok?"
She sniffs and says "k."
I try to turn on Sid's TV but there are four remote controls and none of them seem to turn on the TV. I'm not that surprised when Lizzy picks one up and turns the TV on easily. She settles back against me and we watch cartoons.
"Mommy?"
"Yes sweetie."
"Sidwee mad?"
Awe. "No sweetie, Sidney is not mad at you. He was scared that you might be hurt but he was never mad at you."
Lizzy tilts her head back to look at me and must like what she sees because she says "ok" then goes back to the cartoons.
My mind drifts back to my conversation with Sid. Telling him that I didn't know who Lizzy's father is, and why, is the hardest thing I've had to do since child birth. Sid again surprised me with how accepting he is even if he was surprised too. I could tell that it wasn't what he expected but he was so happy that I told him the truth and shared everything with him.
"Sidwee!"
Lizzy jumps off of my lap and runs to Sid as he walks into the room. He scoops her up and cuddles her close.
"How is my princess? How does your head feel?"
"Hurt but mommy gave me medizine."
Sid looks at me so I explain "medicine."
Sid smiles and looks at Lizzy.
"I'm glad you're feeling better princess."
Sid sits beside me with Lizzy on his lap. They begin talking about the cartoon on TV. Sid is so good with her. He glances at me and gives me a smile but I notice that it doesn't reach his eyes. Odd.
"Mommy, I'm hungy."
"Let me see what we have for lunch" I say.
"I can do it" Sid tells me.
"It's ok. You stay comfy with Lizzy and I'll take care of lunch."
Sid smiles and, again, it doesn't look quite right. It's probably because of the stressful morning or he did just wake up.
A look in the fridge shows me that we have enough for omelets with veggies and cheese and a fruit salad. I set everything up and begin cooking. As I'm at the stove with the omelets, Sid comes in with Lizzy.
"I'm helping mommy."
I look at Lizzy and she's beaming from ear to ear. Sid hands her the cutlery and napkins, grabs the dishes himself and then they both go into the dining room. I finish up our omelets and then take the platters with me. Sid is putting Lizzy in her booster and then we both sit down with her. After serving Lizzy, I watch Sid piling food on his plate. It's the first time that he's given her food when we've eaten together. He's been taking care of her all day. It's so sweet. He's such a good dad. Shit, that goes through my head before I can really think about it. I really need to stop jumping ahead. I know Sid loves Lizzy but he's not her dad; at least not yet.
Lizzy loves omelets and sings about them while she eats. I'm about to tell her to stop when I see Sid chuckling and smiling widely at her. I love watching them together. It's incredibly sweet, which I expect to feel. What I don't expect is what a turn on it is to see him with Lizzy. Watching him interact and take care of her makes him even hotter. What is it about a hot man and a child?
"What?" Sid asks and pulls me out of my thoughts.
"Nothing" I respond and smile.
Sid looks quizzically at me until Lizzy pulls his attention away.
"Sidwee, more" she says pointing to the fruit.
"Lizzy" I say. "What do we say when we ask for something?"
Lizzy's brow frowns as she tries to remember. Sid's caught on and waits until Lizzy says it before giving her more.
Lizzy remembers and says "pease Sidwee."
"Of course princess" Sid responds and puts more fruit on her plate.
"What are you working tomorrow?" Sid asks.
"I'm the early shift."
"You probably want to go home today then, huh? How about after dinner?"
I thought we would stay again tonight but maybe Sid wants some space. We have been together for more that twenty-fours and a toddler can be exhausting no matter how good he is with her.
"That would be great Sid. I can get Lizzy into bed on time too."
We finish eating and Lizzy helps us clean up. She wants to be a helper more these days and it's been challenging to let her help so that she doesn't hurt herself. It takes her a while but she puts all of the dirty cutlery in the dishwasher while Sid and I finish up the rest.
"Sidwee, dun!"
Sid looks down at her and says "great job princess. Thank you so much. You did a great job."
"Sidwee!" Lizzy yells and runs to Sid who catches her on the fly.
He nuzzles her neck, lays kisses and nips at her skin making her giggle and yell.
"Sidwee, stop Sidwee!"
He carries her into the living room and flops onto the sofa. He continues to tickle her and Lizzy continues to squeal. I grab my phone and record a video of them. It's so incredibly sweet. I put my phone down and jump onto the sofa with them.
"Let's get Sidney" I say to Lizzy and we both tickle him.
He's very, very ticklish. The high pitch giggle that comes from him has Lizzy and I giggling too. We end up on the floor rolling around until Sid has us both pinned to the floor.
"Ok, I give, I give" I yell out.
"Sidwee, give give."
Sid sits up and replies "good."
We all get up and settle back on the sofa.
"What do you want to do this afternoon?" He asks us.
Lizzy smiles and says "no man."
Sid, not understanding looks at me. While Lizzy's vocabulary grows every day, she is still working on full sentences.
"She wants to build a snowman."
"Then let's go build a snowman" Sid replies.
"Yay! Sidwee!"
It's quite a production but we all get dressed warmly then Sid drives us to a local park. There are a few families out there but no one seems to recognize Sid.
The snow is perfect for building a snowman. We take a break after the bottom to make snow angels. Sid helps Lizzy stand back up after making her angel as she has trouble in her full snow pants and jacket. Sid takes a picture of her angel and Lizzy grabs his hand to see it and then giggles. I'm struck again by how sweet they are together.
We go back to our snowman and finish his body and head. Lizzy grabs some rocks and we use them for eyes, nose and smile. Sid has brought an old hat of his too. When he's done, Sid takes pictures of Lizzy and I with our new friend and then Lizzy by herself. One of the dads in the park comes over and asks if we want a family picture. Sid says yes, picks up Lizzy in has arms and we pose for a picture. We thank the man and look at the picture. We're all smiling widely and look very, very happy. I feel so much love for Lizzy and Sidney right now. We truly look and feel like a family in this picture and right now.
"Let's get home" Sid says. "It's getting colder out here."
We head back to the car, Lizzy can barely keep her eyes open as I strap her in and she's asleep as we pull away.
"Would you like to stop for dinner at a restaurant or pick something up for home?" Sid asks me.
I want this beautiful feeling to continue, just us, so I say "let's get something to take home."
Sid nods and continues driving. He gets quiet and it feels odd. There's no other way to describe it but odd. I'm feeling a strange vibe coming from Sid like I did after our nap earlier.
"Is everything ok Sid?"
He's quiet for a long while and until he pulls into a spot at Whole Foods. He still doesn't answer me but simply pats my arm.
"I'll be back in a few minutes" he says and leaves the car.
I look back and Lizzy is still sleeping. I lean my head back against the rest and try to avoid the one thought that's been trying to niggle into my brain all afternoon: Sid's weird because of what I told him about Lizzy's father. He isn't as fine as he pretended to be earlier. It looks like we aren't over this bump yet.
Sid's phone rings, he must have forgotten it, and I see that it's his mom. I quickly debate if I should ignore it but decide to answer it instead.
"Hi Trina, it's Cat."
"Oh hi Cat. How are you dear?"
"I'm great. Sid has just run into the grocery store. He should be back in a few minutes."
"I called to let him know, you too of course, that I just got off of the phone with Taylor. One of her friends just saw a picture of you, Sidney and Lizzy on Instagram. It was posted ten or fifteen minutes ago."
I'm stunned. I don't know what to say. Our wonderful afternoon is now public knowledge for the world to see. I thought we'd have more time. Didn't he just say this morning that we'd have more time?
"Cat, are you still there?"
"Yes, sorry Trina. There's a picture of the three of us?"
"Yes, you're posing in front of a snowman. It's taken from a distance but you can definitely see that it's Sidney. Taylor will be texting the picture to Sid any minute. I told her that I wanted to call him before she did."
Sid opens the door and then frowns when he sees that I'm talking on his phone.
"It's your mom" I tell him.
He takes the phone from me and says "hi mom."
There's quiet.
"Yeah" then more quiet. "Ok, thanks. Will dad call Pat?" Quiet. "Alright, thanks." Pause. "Love you too." Pause. "I will, bye."
Sid turns to me and says "mom says goodbye."
He looks at his phone and I can tell that he's looking at the picture.
"Let me see" I say and he hands me the phone. Trina's right that it's from a distance but you can clearly see that it's Sid. Thankfully you can't see Lizzy's face but I'm as clear as Sid. Great.
"Ok, I guess it's out there now."
"I'm sorry Cat. It's out there now but we'll figure this out, ok? We'll figure it out."
Sid takes my hand and kisses it to reassure me. Some of the panic subsides but not all of it. What does this mean?
"Cat, you're not going to like this but I have a suggestion."
"Ok, what is your idea?"
"I'd like you to stay at my place again tonight and not go into work tomorrow. Until we know exactly what's going to happen, I'd feel better knowing that you and Lizzy are safe."
Some of the panic that dissipated earlier comes back now. I can't afford to lose a day's pay but I also can't be foolish with Lizzy's safety or my own.
"Ok Sid. You're right. Can we stop at my apartment so that I can grab a few things?"
"Of course babe."
As Sid drives to my place, I text Tessa.
'Tess, I'm sorry, need tomorrow off. It's out that I'm dating Sid'
'Of course. Don't worry. We'll be fine. Take care'
"Is everything ok?" Sid asks.
"Yeah, I'm so lucky to have her as my boss. She didn't even hesitate."
"That's good. My dad will be calling Pat to figure this out."
"Of all the things I thought about falling in love, I didn't think it would involve a sports agent."
Sid glances hesitantly at me. He may not know if I'm kidding or not but seems to relax when he sees me smile. It is funny, the whole thing is hilarious actually. I can't help the laugh that escapes me. I look sideways at Sid trying to hold it together but I can't. I start laughing and can't stop. Sid joins me and soon we are laughing like loons. It really isn't that funny but it sure feels like it right now.
"What's funny mommy?"
It looks like our laughter has woken up Lizzy.
"Nothing really sweetie. Did you have a good nap?"
"Yeppers!"
"Do you want to stay at my place again tonight?" Sid asks her.
"Woo hoo! Yay!" is Lizzy's reply.
Sid and I smile at each other. Her enthusiasm is infectious.
"Woo hoo" I say to Sid and he chuckles. I don't know what has done it but I'm glad Sid is back to his old self. I guess I worried for nothing. Everyone has moods.