I'm such an ass. I actually walked away from the woman I love while she's giving me a blow job. It was great, incredible, until I looked down and saw her looking up at me. All I could think about was how many guys she's been in this exact situation with, she doesn't even know who Lizzy's father is for fuck sake.

My brain keeps saying that she is a different girl now and, fuck, I'm no choir boy; but, every time I think of her, sexually, there it is in front of me. I never expected my girl to be a saint or a virgin. I also never expected her to have fucked half of Pittsburgh. Fuck, why can't I get past this thing?!

Once in the kitchen, I pour myself a few fingers of scotch. I rarely drink hard stuff during the season and I know that I'm on antibiotics and shouldn't drink; but, I fucking need something. Part of me wants to go back into the bedroom and beg Cat to finish what she started. Part of me wonders if I'll ever get past 'it.' I can't even talk to her about it. How do you tell the woman you love that you're having trouble getting past her being a slut years ago? You can't, that's it, you just can't. What the fuck am I going to do?

I down the rest of the glass when Cat comes in the room.

"You shouldn't drink. You're taking antibiotics" she says in a soft voice.

"Yeah" is all I say.

She gets a bottle of water out of the fridge and I notice that she's wearing my Pens shirt. She sits on a stool at the island. I know that she wants to talk but what am I going to say? Seriously, what am I going to say to her?

"Sid" she says softly.

I've never been such a coward before. How can I be honest if not completely candid with her?

"Yeah" I reply.

I hear her sigh. "Sid."

Fuck. I look up at Cat and she looks really sad and worried. I have to say something.

"I don't know what to say Cat."

"Tell me what's going on. It's something."

"Yeah" I tell her. "It's something. It's just" I can't finish.

She waits me out and simply sits there and watches me. I need to say something more.

"Ok, I just don't know how to say this Cat. It's hard to even figure out how I feel."

Again, she waits.

"Cat, I love you and I love Lizzy."

"I know" is all she replies.

"I love you. I want a future with you. It hasn't been that long and I know we have all kinds of steps still to take but there it is."

"Sid, you aren't afraid of commitment. This isn't enough for you to walk away when I have your dick in my mouth."

It's not like Cat to be so crude. It really speaks to how frustrated she is right now.

"I know Cat, I know. I just don't know how to explain it."

She sighs and shakes her head.

"Sid, we can't get past this if we don't talk about it."

She's right, of course she's right.

"Cat, you know how proud I am of you for what you've gone through and how much you've made of your life. Lizzy is the beautiful, smart and talented little girl because you're such a good mom."

I take a deep breath before continuing.

"It's just, damn it Cat, it's hard for me to know what you've been through."

Maybe she'll let me leave it there.

"That's a crock of shit Sid."

Looks like she won't leave it there.

"What is going on? Are we in a relationship or not? Talk to me!"

"It's hard Cat. I don't know how."

"Sid, you open your mouth and talk! Nothing can be worse than what I'm going through right now!"

She has jumped up off of the stool and is standing in front of me now.

It's suddenly all too much. I can't be honest with her but it's killing her that I'm not being honest.

"Sid, please!"

I turn away from her and pace. I can feel the pressure building in my chest and then my head. It's like the pressure is waiting to pop suddenly.

"Sid, please! Tell me!"

"I can't."

"We can't go on like this; I can't go on like this Sid."

She whirls away from me and I want to stop her and let her go at the same time.

"Wait, Cat!" I yell after her.

Cat turns back to me and simply stands there with her hands on her hips.

"I'm waiting" she says but I can't speak. "Sid!"

She comes at me know and pushes me back, or tries to, and yells "talk to me!"

"I can't" I tell her.

"Talk to me."

"Cat, I can't."

"Talk to me! Tell me what's wrong!" She shouts and pushes me hard enough that I have to take a step back.

"You don't even know who the fuck is Lizzy's father!"

"What!?"

"You fucked so many guys that you don't even know who Lizzy's fucking father is! How does that even happen? How many guys do you have to fuck in a short period of time not to fucking know?!"

The minute it was out of my mouth, I regretted it. Cat freezes immediately, her mouth opens but there's no sound, and I watch as all colour drains from her face.

My immediate instinct is to gather her close to me but when I reach out, Cat puts up her hand and says, very deliberately, "don't. touch. me."

I move away until I'm against the counter behind me. My heart wants to pour out apologies and tell her how much I love her. My head tells me that I've done enough damage and should wait. I wait.

"What are you saying Sid? Are you calling me a whore?!"

Am I? Oh God, am I?"

"Your silence says everything Sid" she says and then leaves the kitchen. It takes me a few minutes to register what just happened and that she has left the room.

I look in the living room but she isn't there. I continue down the hall to the bedroom and Cat's there. She's pulling her sweater over her head and then sits on the bed to put her jeans and socks on. I begin to panic; she's clearly getting ready to leave.

"Cat, please let's talk. Don't leave like this, please baby." I know that I'm begging and I don't care.

Cat stands and puts her hands on her hips. I can see that her eyes are bright and she's desperately trying to hold back tears.

"Ok Sid" she says in a cold, hard tone. "What would you like to say?"

I know that I need to say something, to explain myself, but what can I say?

"Fine" she says and goes to the bathroom.

I sit on the bed and try to find the words that will make her forgive me. When she comes back into the bedroom, I immediately stand when I see that she has her make-up bag.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"He speaks" she replies sarcastically.

"What are you doing?" I ask again.

"I'm packing."

"Why?" I ask.

"Why?!" She asks and turns back to look at me. "Sid, the man I love, the man who I thought I could spend my life with, who could be the father to my child, just called me a slut! And then he says nothing more and won't talk to me. I have no idea why I would want to leave!"

I feel suddenly, violently ill. She can't leave me.

"Cat please, God, stay. We can talk." I'm desperate.

"Then talk Sid. Tell me that you don't think that I'm a slut. Tell me that didn't think of every guy who has touched me, fucked me, when I had your dick in my mouth. Can you tell me that?"

I can't and she knows that immediately. Why can't I get past this when I love her so fucking much?

I look into her eyes and they look impossibly sad.

"Cat I love you. I'll fix this, we can fix this, please don't go."

She looks like she's considering this for a moment; but, I know when she's made her decision.

"Sid, I'm not proud of how I lived my life before I had Lizzy but I'm not embarrassed either. I've spent a long time making myself into the woman I am in front of you, the woman that you said you love, but how can you love me and still think that of me?"

She's right. I know that she's right. I can't stop her as she leaves because I don't have an answer.

Author's Note: I'm off on vacation for a week, I've had enough of the snow and cold, so there won't be a new chapter until I return. If you've read my other stories then you knew I would leave it like this ...