She left! I can't blame her really but she left me. What should I have done differently? What could I have said differently so that she wouldn't have left?
For an hour afterward, I sat on the sofa and I'm still here now. I've been staring at the wall wondering where it all went wrong. It was clearly my fault, I know that, but I can't help how I feel. What the fuck is wrong with m? I'm twenty-five years old and should be on top of the world. I'm dealing with this injury but I'll be back for the play offs. My personal life was perfect: a beautiful, loving woman who didn't give a shit that I'm a hockey player and worth millions and an equally beautiful and loving little girl that I already feel is my daughter in almost every way. To have her call me 'daddy' is a new dream of mine. I have an Olympic gold medal, a Stanley Cup and it's a three year old calling me daddy that would make me the proudest. I have to fix this right away. No matter what I have to do, I need to get Cat and do everything and anything I can to make her mine, forever.
With this decision made, I get my ass off of the sofa and grab my coat before heading out the door. I don't have to go far to find Cat. She's sitting on the floor in my foyer. Her eyes are red and puffy and her make-up running. She looks up at me.
"You didn't leave" I say softly.
"I couldn't" she replies.
She's not moving so I sit down beside her. We're both silent. I don't think either of us knows what to say. It's my fault that we're here so I start and speak from my heart.
"I'm sorry" I whisper.
"It hurt Sid. It still hurts to know that the man who says he loves you thinks you're a whore."
I cringe and it hurts me to know that I've caused her this pain.
"It's hard to explain Cat. I don't think that you're a whore. It's just your past, not as a child but before Lizzy, is hard to understand. Nothing in my entire life could prepare me to understand what you've been through. Everyone talks about the sacrifices you make to be a hockey player. They're full of shit. We love every minute of it. What you've been through is hard; you've made sacrifices."
I pause and try to gather my thoughts. Do I even understand it enough myself to explain it to Cat?
"Cat, I need you and Lizzy in my life. Please don't give up on me." The last sentence fades as I say it.
The tightening of my heart loosens when I feel Cat's small hand slip into mine. Can we be ok?
"Sid, it hurts me more than you know what you said to me. I didn't think words could hurt me that much anymore but when it comes from someone who you respect and love ..." she trails off there for a moment. "I felt humiliated Sid. I had your dick in my mouth, in my mouth, when you pulled away from me."
That I hadn't thought about. If I'd talked about this with her sooner then we wouldn't be in this situation. I didn't think about how my fucking timing made it even worse.
"Cat" I begin and have to clear my throat. "Cat, I think the worst thing is that I didn't talk to you right away. I should have been honest earlier. It would still have hurt but we wouldn't be exactly here. I'm so sorry."
"It's not only the honesty Sid. We need to move past this" now she pauses. "Sid, do you think that you can get past this?"
Time for more truth I guess. "I don't know Cat. I want to, I really want to, because I love you. I'm in love with you Cat. I want you to be my wife. I want a family with you. I want to be Lizzy's dad and have brothers and sisters for her. I can see it I want it so much. Please believe me."
My voice is full of emotion. It's all out there now. It's up to Cat where we go next.
"Sid, I've never been in a relationship before. Maybe that's why I simply left earlier."
"Of course you left Cat. Anyone would if they heard what I said."
"Yeah, but I mean that I've never been in a relationship, ever. I don't know how to do this Sid. I've been faking it. I know how to be a mom and I know how to take care of you injured; but, I don't know how to be a girlfriend let alone a wife. I don't want to keep running when I don't know what to do."
"But you didn't run Cat. We had a fight and you ran, sure, but you didn't get far. You haven't asked me where I was going when I saw you here."
"Ok, where were you going?" She asks.
"I was going to find you Cat."
"Find me?"
"Yeah, I was going to search Pittsburgh until I found you. I won't live without you; I can't."
I'm practically begging her to stay with me but I don't care. I'm telling her the truth. I can't and won't live without her.
"Ok Sid. I love you too and I want the same things. How do we do this?" She asks me.
"Fuck if I know Cat. I'm new at this too."
I can't help the chuckle that escapes me. We are both useless at this thing. Soon I'm laughing and soon after that, Cat joins me. We both are laughing into hysterics and it takes us a little while to stop and we have to wipe the tears from our eyes.
"Really Cat, I've had relationships but they were summer things mostly and I realized with each that they weren't going to last. I've never wanted forever until I met you. Please, let's keep trying."
"Yeah, I want to keep trying too."
For the first time I look at Cat. She looks hesitantly back at me. I lean down to kiss her and immediately see the wariness in her eyes. That's the moment that I understand what she meant earlier about being humiliated. Any physical intimacy between us is tainted, at least for now. In an instant I decide to try for some normalcy so I continue towards her and lightly peck her lips.
"Come on" I tell her and stand pulling her with me. "Let's go out for lunch."
"You can't eat" she tells me.
"We'll go for an all-day breakfast. I can eat eggs."
"Oh, yeah. Do you want to pick up Lizzy?"
"No" I tell her. "I want to spend some time alone with you."
She gives me a hesitant smile and takes my hand.
Our lunch began with some uneasiness as if we didn't know how to be together but slowly we both let our guard down and we start relaxing. This is the first time that we've gone out together and eaten in the public dining room. Neither of us thought about it consciously but it's as if we both want to start anew.
"Can I have your autograph?" I turn and see a boy of six or seven with a pen and a piece of paper.
Usually I ask people if they will wait until I've finished eating but I hate doing that to kids.
"Of course, what's your name?" I ask while I take the pen and paper.
"Dylan" he says.
I write it to Dylan and then give it back.
"You a Pens fan Dylan?" I ask him.
He only nods his head to me.
"That's great Dylan. Thanks for cheering us on."
He nods again and then runs back to his parents.
"That was cute" Cat says to me.
"Yeah, he's a cute kid" I reply.
"No Sid, well yeah he's cute, but I mean you. You're really cute."
I smile and shake my head.
"And you're really cute when you blush" she adds.
I have to smile. She's flirting and teasing again. We're definitely on firmer ground, not firm yet, but firmer.
"Do you want to come to the game tonight? You can sit in the press box with me."
She looks like she's going to say no so I take her hand.
"Please" I say.
She smiles and squeezes my hand.
"Sure" she replies.
"I don't want to be apart from you right now. Thank you" I tell her. "Is Lizzy ok with Miss Sally tonight?"
"Try and tear the two of them apart right now. Not even for her Sidwee would she leave Miss Sally; they miss each other."
"That's funny. Ok, let's have a nap and then go to Consol."
"Nap?" She asks.
"Yeah it's game day. It's time for my afternoon nap soon."
"But you're not playing tonight" she says.
"So" I reply.
"Ok, let's have a nap."
I chuckle and help her into her coat. We drive home chatting about silly stuff. It's nothing earth shattering but that's actually a good thing. We're almost back to normal. I have to remember that word though; almost. I damaged our trust and need to rebuild it which won't be done in one day.
At home I head to the bedroom and Cat follows me. I strip to my shorts and climb into bed. Cat changes into her comfy clothes and turns to leave the room. It's time to continue the rebuilding.
"Come here" I say and pull the covers back for her.
"You want me to nap" she says with a smile.
"Yes, nap with me babe."
She chuckles and climbs in. I pull her back against me until we're spooning.
Cat stiffens for the briefest of moments before she relaxes into my embrace. It looks like I really am going to have to focus on rebuilding the trust in our relationship. I kiss her neck and snuggle in behind her before quickly falling asleep.
I can tell the moment that Sid falls asleep. It never takes him long and he goes right into a deeps sleep. It's probably from sleeping with roommates on the road as he grew up.
This gives me some time with my own thoughts to process everything that has happened today. I wasn't exaggerating when I told Sid that I was humiliated. How else was I to feel when my boyfriend pulls his dick out of your mouth? The explanation of why made it even worse. The love of my life thinks I'm a slut. Or thinks I was a slut. If I'm truly honest with myself, I'm even more upset because it mirrors my thoughts of myself at the time. It's worse really because I had sex for 'things;' safe place to sleep, food, whatever. That makes me much worse than a slut but I try to not dwell too much on that time.
So Sid gave voice to what I've always thought of myself at that time. I've always tried to put it behind me but the relationship with Sid has brought it all up again. I've told him everything about my past. There are no secrets. Now we need to see if he can live with it and still love me. He says that he loves me but he's having trouble getting past it. Can he really love me if he can't accept my past? To accept me is accepting my past, isn't it?
Sid pulls me closer to him. Even in his sleep, he reaches for me. Surely that means he loves me still. I'm so confused. What if we pursue a relationship, get married even, and then Sid decides a year or more from now that he can't do it? Where does that leave me or, more importantly, Lizzy? Should I simply continue taking my leap with this relationship? It's taken me this far.
I hear Sid's phone alarm go off and realize that I've been thinking and worrying for an hour now.
"Mmm" Sid says while he reaches with one arm and turns off his phone then reaches with his other to pull me close to him again.
I feel Sid nuzzle at my neck and leave light kisses there. It makes me wonder what he's thinking. Is he thinking about me now or me then? While I wonder if Sid will ever touch me again and not think of that time, I also wonder if I'll always think about that too when he touches me. I'm so confused.
"Stop thinking and worrying" he tells me. "I can hear your mind whirling around. Let's take this one step at a time, ok? We'll get back. I'll earn your trust again."
That worries me. Does Sid think that I don't trust him? Do I trust him? Maybe he's right. Maybe he hurt me, hurt my heart, so much that I'm afraid to fully trust him not to hurt me again. Maybe he will hurt me again and maybe I'll hurt him too. Is this what happens in a relationship? Are there moments when you have bumpy patches so much that your hurt each other?
"I still hear you mind whirling" he says again.
"Yeah, sorry Sid."
"You don't need to apologize. Will you share what you're thinking with me?"
He would ask.
"Sid, I'm not sure what I'm thinking. I'm trying to focus. Give me some time, ok?"
He kisses my neck again and says "ok. When you're ready."
Sid climbs out of bed and heads toward the bathroom for his shower. I follow him as he walks with my eyes eating up every part of him. How could I not?
Sid turns around and sees me.
He smiles and asks "do you want to join me?"
For a moment, a very brief moment, I start to tease him back. That's when the memory of this afternoon throws a cold bucket of water on me. I can see that Sid thinks about it a second after me.
"Um, I'm going to have that shower. Will you be ready in thirty minutes?" he asks me.
I try a smile and say "yeah, I'll be ready."
Sid nods and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes later I hear the water running. I jump out of bed and dress so that I'm not doing it in front of Sid. I haven't unpacked my things that I packed earlier so I take my makeup bag into the spare bathroom to touch up. I come out of the bathroom as Sid steps into the hall.
"I love how you look in a suit" I tell him. It pops out before I think about it.
"Thanks" he says and smiles at me.
We simply smile at each other for a few moments. I can actually feel Sid's eyes running over my body and taking in my short skirt and high boots. To improve my wardrobe, I've joined the clothing swap at the Centre. I've brought in old but nice clothes of Lizzy's to exchange for some grown up clothes for me. When moms have their first kids, they often trade some of their own clothes for kids clothes. It's helped me considerably and I know it helps them too.
When Sid's eyes meet mine again, he asks "ready?"
I nod and we leave for the game.
Even when Sid's not playing, he arrives at Consol at the same time as usual. Since he was given permission to work out, he will do two workouts today and continue that until he's allowed to skate.
When we get to the locker room, Sid turns to me and asks "do you want to work out with me?"
"Am I allowed to?"
"Before the game, no one will be in the weight room. They'll be using bikes, treadmills and stretching mats."
I never thought about it before.
"I don't exactly have workout clothes" I tell him.
Sid smiles and says "wait here."
He takes off so I wander into the lounge. Some of the guys are there eating chicken, pasta and salad; big surprise.
One of the guys approaches me and I desperately try to remember his name. His shirt says '15,' oh, yeah.
"Hi Tanner, how are you?"
"Great! You're going to watch the game?"
"Yeah. Apparently in the press box although Sid just said something about working out too. How are you feeling?" I remember that he's been injured.
"I'm good. I'll play tonight. We wanted to sit me out one game to make sure that I didn't do more damage than we thought even though I was ready for the last one. With the play offs around the corner" he trails off there with a shrug.
I remember something else. "Your wife is pregnant, right? How is she feeling?"
Tanner smiles brightly. "Yeah, she's doing really well. The morning sickness is gone so she's much better."
"That's good. I remember when I was pregnant with Lizzy. The first four months were hell. I even lost weight the first couple of months."
"Lizzy was born healthy?" He asks me this with some concern. I know that it's not for me, he knows that Lizzy is fine, but for his child.
"Yeah, Lizzy was healthy. It's not an easy time for mom but baby comes out great and mom forgets it all when the baby is placed in her arms."
Tanner smiles and I can tell that he's picturing it.
"Cat?" I hear Sid call.
When I turn around, I see that he's holding bags. Tanner and I say goodbye and I walk over to Sid.
"What's all of this?" I ask him.
"I raided the stores upstairs. Size small or extra small, right?"
I laugh "yep, depending."
"Ok, I've got tee shirts, shorts, socks and even shoes. I brought a couple styles and sizes of each just in case. Vero isn't quite as small as you but she's close so Flower helped me."
That is so sweet that he asked Marc for help.
"Where can I change?" I ask.
Sid smiles and leads me to the medical room that remember from Lizzy's stitches and Sid's injury.
"You can change here and leave your things too. We'll be back long before they prepare this room for the game."
Sid leaves and shuts the door. I pull things out of the bag and find proof of why they call Marc the practical joker of the team. There's a "Property Of" shirt inside, my size, with Marc's number. I guess I should play along with the joke. Amongst all of the clothes, I find my perfect size in shorts and shoes so I dress head to toe complete with a #29 shirt.
When I leave the room, I see Geno who smiles, shakes his head and says "oh oh" before continuing on his way. As I walk to the locker room, a few more guys see me and chuckle.
When Brandon Sutter starts laughing, hard, I simply say "it was in the bag of clothes for me." That makes him laugh harder of course. Word must have traveled because for the first time that I've seen it, the locker room is full and most seem to be making themselves look busy.
When he sees me, Marc says "looking good Cat!"
Everyone in the room looks at me and then over to where I see Sid standing. He looks up with a smile on his face that freezes. The room is deadly silent with everyone waiting for what Sid is going to do. It's really funny actually.