After lunch, we go to the airport to pick up Sid's sister. I'm really looking forward to meeting her. I've always wanted a sister and, although I'm getting ahead of myself, I really want Taylor and me to be close. We'll get a couple of days together to start that process.
I stay in the car with Lizzy while Sid goes in to find his sister. He's back quickly.
"Taylor this is Cat and Lizzy. Lizzy and Cat this is my sister Taylor" Sid makes the introduction as he pulls away from the airport.
"You're pretty" Lizzy tells Taylor.
"Well you're really pretty too" Taylor responds sweetly.
I turn around so that I can see Taylor.
"Hi Taylor. It's good to meet you although I'm sorry for the circumstances" I tell her.
Taylor smiles and says "it's nice to meet you too Cat. I'm glad that you and Lizzy could come. I'd like to get to know you better."
Taylor is exactly as I thought she would be knowing the rest of her family. They are a kind, friendly and inclusive family. I could tell the way she talked to Lizzy when she came into the car that she's very sweet. Hopefully we can find some time alone to talk. Sid is incredibly close to his sister even though they don't see each other often. He texts with her a few times a day, every day, to stay in contact.
"Me too Taylor. I really want to get to know you too."
"Me too, me too!" Lizzy shouts out.
"You too" Taylor says and tickles Lizzy.
On the rest of the drive, Sid and Taylor talk about school and Taylor's hockey team. It's obvious how close they are and the deep bond they share even though they are apart most of the year. It makes me think about what Sid said about giving Lizzy brothers and sisters. She could have this same bond with a sibling. It makes me smile.
When we get to the Crosby's, Trina hugs Taylor close and I notice that Trina has tears in her eyes. It really speaks to me how strong a mother / daughter bond can be. I'm sad that I never had that myself. I'll never have a mother like that or that kind of relationship but I can change that for my daughter. I can be the mom for Lizzy that I always wanted.
"Mommy?"
I look down at Lizzy and reply "yes sweetie."
"I want to play hippos."
"Sweetie, we don't have Hungry Hippos with us. It's at home."
"Wanna play hippos!"
Oh oh, here it comes. Does she really need to melt down while we're in the Crosby's home for a funeral?
I bend down beside her. "Lizzy, we can't play it right now. Why don't we play another game? The Crosby's have blocks and I'm sure that Sidney would play with you if you ask him."
"Noooooooo! Hippos!"
Oh God. Full out tantrum. Usually I don't care if it's in front of others but this is at the Crosby's house, after nana dies and in front of the whole family. Shit.
"Lizzy" I try desperately for patience. "You can play with the hippos at home. We have other toys here."
"Noooooo! Hippos!" She cries out and then throws herself on the ground. I look up and everyone is staring at me including Sid.
Ok, I need to breathe and think. I'm a good mom so I'm going to do exactly what I think is right. I'm almost sure that's the right thing to do.
"Lizzy, you know that this is not how a big girl should behave. When you're ready to be a big girl and talk to me then you can join us in the living room."
I turn and leave Lizzy crying at the front door. Slowly everyone follows me to the living room and it is extremely awkward as we all sit down. The house isn't huge so we can still hear Lizzy crying. I have to say something.
"Lizzy missed the terrible twos and move it to the creative terrible threes" I tell everyone.
"Don't worry dear" Trina tells me. "It takes some time and a lot of patience to raise a toddler."
"Yeah, the amount of patience can't be over estimated" I agree. "Let's ignore her and she should come up when she's ready."
Slowly everyone warms up and we start talking about other things. I keep an eye out for Lizzy and see when she peeks up the stairs at us. I wait her out and periodically contribute to the conversation. She eventually works her way up and stands beside my chair.
"Would you like to apologize?" I ask her.
Lizzy nods.
"Ok" I tell her.
"Sorry" she whispers.
"Thank you Lizzy. Would you please apologize to the family too?"
Her bottom lip sneaks out and she whispers "sorry" to everyone. I see Sid trying to hold back a chuckle at how pathetic the poor thing looks. I turn Lizzy so that she faces me and wait until she looks me in the eyes.
"Lizzy, I know that you are disappointed that your toy isn't here, and that's ok, but you need to behave like a big girl. What does that mean?" I ask.
"Use words, no cry" she whispers.
"Yes sweetie, you need to use your words. Ok?" She nods. "Good, now give me a hug. I love you."
I hug her close. When she pulls back, I wipe away the last tear and pull her onto my lap as the family starts talking again.
I see Trina smile at me and know that I made the right decision to be true to the mom I am. I've never felt the need to be someone else, not since I had Lizzy, and I shouldn't do it now either. I'm still incredibly unsure what to do with the family since I've never had one. Sid seems to have missed the whole thing, other than Lizzy's tantrum and apology, and is back talking to his sister and dad.
Later, Trina, Taylor and I go into the kitchen to make dinner for the family. I appreciate the traditional roles of this family. Maybe I should be more of a modern woman about these kinds of things but I never got to experience these moments before. There is something comforting and wonderful about being in the kitchen, with the other girls, making dinner for the family.
Lizzy stays in the living room and appears to be favouring Troy's lap and cuddling with him. She kept alternating between staring at him and cuddling onto his shoulder. I never thought about how much Sid's family would bring to our lives. We are very, very lucky to be with this family, to be a part of this family.
"Mommy, potty!" Lizzy calls to me.
"I'll be back" I tell Trina and Taylor. "Ok, Lizzy, come on" I call and take her to the washroom quickly. When a three year old says that they need to go, you take them quickly.
When we're done, Lizzy runs back to Sid and Troy and I return to the kitchen. Before I turn the corner, I hear the conversation and stop.
"Taylor" Trina says. "Be nice."
"Mom, I'm just saying that she's a single mom who is a waitress with no family. Are you telling me that it never crossed your mind that she wants Sid for his money?"
"She is a lovely girl and a wonderful mother. Do you know that their first fight was because Sid left her a big tip?"
"That's what I would do mom. Get him off the real scent that she is after his money. She can be a lovely girl with a great daughter and a gold digger you know."
"Stop that right now Taylor. She'll be back any moment now."
I'm too stunned to move. Did they really just talk about me being a gold digger? Do they really think I could be after Sid's money? Oh my God. I never thought that they would ever think that of me. Our first meeting went so well. What do I do now?
Taylor and Trina go quiet and back to cooking so I take a deep breath, put a smile on my face and go back into the kitchen.
"What's left that I can do Trina?" I ask.
They both smile at me and all I can do is wonder at everything else. Were they lying every time they said something kind?
"Cat?"
I give my head a shake and focus on Trina.
"Sorry Trina, what did you say?"
"Why don't you ask Sidney to help you set the table? He knows where everything is dear."
I smile and head out to the living room. I'll have to give this more thought. What I told Sid was right on: we suck at this relationship thing. That includes being with the family. I have no idea what to do about this and I want to talk to Sid but can I do that if it's about his family? We agreed that we could be open and honest with each other. Can I still do that if it's about his sister? I'm so screwed.
I shake it off for now and we set the table. Lizzy helps us which becomes a lot of fun. Dinner is light-hearted too. Lizzy is back to her old self and makes everyone laugh with her silly jokes. We play Candyland after dinner, a first for Lizzy, which is a lot of fun. We keep her interested by letting her bounce to each of us and co-playing. She starts yawning and I notice that it's after her bedtime. We all say goodnight and Sid and I drive back to his place. Predictably, Lizzy falls asleep on the drive home and Sid has to carry her in. After Lizzy's in bed, we get ready and climb in too.
"Sid, didn't you say that you have a dog that lives with your parents?"
"Yeah, Sam. She's been staying with my cousins because mom and dad have spent so much time at the hospital with nana."
"Oh, ok" I reply. "Tomorrow is going to be difficult. What do you need from me?"
Sid pulls me closer to him.
"I only need you. Having you and Lizzy by my side is all I need Cat. Stay with me and that's all you need to do."
"I can do that, easy" I tell him.
I think back to what I overheard Trina and Taylor talking about. This may not be the right time to talk about it but maybe I can feel him out.
"Sid" I begin. "Was your family ever worried that I wanted your money?"
"No" he replies quickly. "Why would they?"
"I don't know. On the surface it could look like that; I'm a waitress and single mom" I say thinking back to what Taylor said.
"My family doesn't look at the surface Cat. That kind of stuff doesn't worry or impress us. We know that who someone is, inside, is what is important. They would never think that; besides, they know me and trust me. Even before they knew and loved you, they trusted my judgment."
I wasn't expecting Sid to be that emphatic about it. How do I tell him what I heard now? He would believe me of course but would that cause issues with his sister? I can't do that before his nana's funeral.
"That's good. I love you Sid."
"I love you babe."
I didn't sleep very well last night. Off and on, I slept only in short periods of time and then laid in bed waiting to fall asleep again. I hate funerals and especially wakes. The church will be somber and sad then the wake full of cheer and laughter. The immediate and sudden change of mood between the two always makes me uncomfortable and awkward. I hate being in a crowd like this because the attention will mostly be on me. There will be a lot of family and close friends who will treat me like everyone else. Then there will be all of the other distant cousins and friends of friends who will stare, take pictures and even ask for my autograph at my own grandmother's funeral.
I'm so glad that Cat and Lizzy will be there with me. Hopefully that can help with some of the awkwardness. Of course there will also be a lot of questions and people wanting to meet Cat too. I guess I didn't think this all the way through; but, I can't make decisions in my life because Cat and Lizzy may get photographed or questions asked. If that was the case then we could only be together in my apartment.
The alarm goes off and Cat shifts in my arms. She snuggles deeper into the covers.
"I'll get in the shower first babe" I whisper after turning off the alarm. "You grab a few more minutes."
After one last kiss, I get out of bed and into the bathroom. Maybe if I drown myself in the shower I'll feel more rested. Unfortunately, it doesn't work even though my face is up against the hard spray.
I hear the door open and ask "Cat?"
"Who else would it be Sidney?"
She sounds so tired and cute. "Move over" she tells me and pushes me away until she's under the spray. I guess we're sharing a shower this morning.
She lathers her hair and I can't take my eyes off of her. My morning wood grows even harder watching her slippery, soapy and hot body. I will never get enough of this woman.
"Mommy! Sidwee!" Lizzy yells as she comes in the bathroom.
I turn around so that I'm facing the wall. The shower is an all glass wall to the rest of the bathroom.
Cat pushes out the door and says "Lizzy, what did I say about coming in the bathroom when the door is closed?"
"Knock fist, I did knocked fist mommy. You didn't answer."
"Ok, so go to your room and read one of your books until I'm finished in the shower."
"Where's Sidwee mommy?"
Seriously! I will never get hard again, ever.
"Sidney is showering too. Now do as I say and go to your room."
"Hi Sidwee!"
Oh my God!
"Hi princess. Now go to your room and I'll see you in a few minutes."
"Ok Sidwee."
I hear the door close and I've never heard a better sound in my entire life.
"Problem Sidwee?" Cat laughs as she rinses her hair.
"Apparently we need to lock the bathroom door" I tell her.
"I'm just showering. I don't know what you had in mind."
She's an evil woman.
"Funny Cat. Hilarious."
She laughs and we both finish bathing. I'm done before Cat is and throw on some clothes to see how Lizzy is doing.
"How's my princess?"
"Sidwee!"
"Let's get you some breakfast."
"Sidwee" she says and holds up her hands.
I know what she wants and pick her up onto my shoulders.
"Why can't I shower with you Sidwee?"
Oh my God! How do I respond to her? What the fuck do I say?
"Um, well" seriously, what do I say?
"Need some help Crosby?" Cat calls out.
I want to take the easy way out and beg her to answer but it's time to man up.
"No, I'm good" I call back. When in the kitchen, I shift Lizzy off of my shoulders and onto the counter.
"Princess, sometimes there are things that we don't do." Fuck, I don't even understand what I mean no wonder Lizzy is looking at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I should call Cat. No, I'll try this again. "Ok Lizzy" now what am I going to say. Oh, maybe this will work. "Lizzy, you know how we say that you need to sleep in your own bed like a big girl instead of in bed with mommy and me?"
This must make sense because she nods. I take a deep breath.
"The shower is like that. You have a bath at night and mommy or I help you. Well, I take a shower."
"Was mommy helping you shower this morning?"
Smart little thing; too smart.
"Sometimes mommy and I shower together."
"So why can't I shower and help you?"
Seriously, why can't I figure this out? I'm positive that I'll never be able to have shower sex again.
"Sometimes mommy's and daddy's shower together. That's different than when we help you in the bath." Ok, that must do it.
"Since you were showering with mommy, does that mean you're my daddy?"
I'm stunned. Did I really just do that? Did I really just make this about her daddy? Ok, what's that expression? Oh yeah, out of the frying pan and into the fryer.
"Would you like me to be your daddy?" I can't help but ask her. She thinks about the question.
"If you were, could I call you daddy?"
I smile at her question. That's all she wants to know to make a decision.
"Yeah, you would call me daddy."
"Sidwee!" She yells and throws herself into my arms. "Can you be my daddy?"
Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into and without Cat too? We started talking about showers and, sure I brought up the daddy thing and asked the question, but now we're here.
"Mommy, Sidwee's going to be my daddy!" She yells over my shoulder.
I turn to see Cat coming into the kitchen looking very surprised, she doesn't look upset, only surprised. That's when I feel peace come over me and everything seems to make sense. It's like this crazy conversation with a three year old about showering happened so that we could arrive here.
"Cat" I say and wait for her to look into my eyes. She looks confused.
"Sid, what's going on?"
"I think I might have done this backward, I know I've done it really quickly, but it's completely right."
Lizzy turns slightly so that she can look between us.
"Cat, although I didn't mean to ask her, I asked Lizzy if she would like me to be her daddy. She agreed to be my daughter. What about you?"
"What about me what?" Cat responds.
"What about you. Will you be my wife?"
I watch Cat's eyes go very large and her mouth opens wide. She's silent for a few moments. Then I watch tears fill her eyes.
"Yes" she whispers.
Now it's my turn to be surprised. She said yes. She really said yes.
"I don't have a ring" I tell her.
"I don't care" she tells me.
I close the gap between us and pull her into my arms with Lizzy.
"Mommy!" Lizzy shouts excited even though she doesn't understand what's going on.
Cat leans back and looks up at me smiling. I take her lips gently with mine. No kiss has ever been sweeter or fuller of meaning in my life.
When I straighten, we smile at each other like fools.
"Daddy!" Lizzy shouts. "Me too."
I kiss Lizzy's puckered lips as my eyes fill; she just called me daddy. I'm a daddy to this beautiful little girl and will be a husband to this beautiful woman. I'll have a family. All of the concussion trouble taught me that there is much more to life than hockey. I'll have life a long time after hockey is over and need to consider what I want that to look like and what will make me happy. I didn't anticipate that it would happen so quickly but life happens in crazy ways sometimes. Oh God, that makes me think.
"Cat, I hate to say this, or ask this, but we have to wait to tell my family."
She frowns for a moment and then says "I completely agree but we need to talk about your family."
Huh?