Volte-Face

Ah, another deadline met, another happy customer… I think. I hope.

The most common question I was asked, whether in PMs or in reviews, was "Are those real gay magazines?" Er, well, to tell the truth, they very well could be. I just made them up—Hot 'n' Homo is my favorite—but… c'mon, isn't GAY LA LA! a fun thing to put between naked men's legs?

If I ever see a magazine called that, I'll tell you. And if I see any gay men in Europe, I'll photograph them. (giggles)

Thank you…
ferretgirl-1124- I'm still fangirling you, ferret-y person who lives near attack-y trees from whom I've borrowed a cactus. Hi-yah!
DiamondOasis- Yes, I can say 'awkward.' Awkward!
Sugar-Hype-Queen- "On the whole way through"? Best compliment I've recieved...!
kello-mcjello
Mutou Yasu
Xment2bursX- Making me update before I leave...! (mutters)... Ah, yes, the multiple-account switcheroo. I myself am a fan of that.
serenity77- The pairings are, of course, Speedy-Aqualad... or will be eventually, at any rate. I think they still need a good bit of torturing before they're allowed to have archer-fishy-love-love time, though.

And thank you, everyone, for wishing me a good holiday. Truth be told, I hope-hope-hope it rains while we're there, all the time, no matter what. Versailles was so beautiful in the rain… well, after I threw up in it… (That's a wholly other story, though… heh. No coffee for Carni this time, nope…!)

This chapter, if anything, is full of surprises. Well… not surprises, so much as a bit of a surprise at the end. And then there's the explosion of "I've seen you with lots of women!" bit, which I find hysterical. Of course I find it hysterical—I wrote it. I hope you'll find it equally humorous, although seeing as it's rather early in the morning, I could just be insane. You know how it is…

I dislike the beginning, but I adore the second half. What's surprising is how quickly this all came together! It's 2,000-ish words, which is long… relatively speaking. Usually, my chapters are only 1,500 words, but I guess my mini-scene at the end makes it big…-ger.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. (grin)

"The truth is rarely pure, and never simple."
—Oscar Wilde

"Robin," Roy said for the umpteenth time, near ready to start bashing his head through a wall, "I'm not gay."

The leader had situated himself all the way across the room from the archer, consciously or unconsciously keeping himself as far away from the supposed gay as possible. They were in a meeting room, left alone for the time being—though Roy heavily suspected that even if they weren't physically in the room, at least Beast Boy was monitoring the pair from the security center.

Roy sat at the head of the long table, hands clasped on its surface. Robin, however, had elected to sit on a pile of chairs near the window and for the last ten minutes since Beast Boy's declaration hadn't said anything.

"Really," Roy said. "I'm not."

Blue eyes moved from the fake plant to him—Robin had chosen to amuse himself with picking at the frayed leaves, as opposed to facing the awkward topic at hand.

The Boy Wonder winced, remembering the cover Beast Boy had handed him. "But those magazines…"

"Those weren't mine," Speedy laughed, and waved a dismissing hand. "They were Beast Boy's—he bought them to annoy me, or tempt me, or figure out if I really was gay. I'm not sure what his intentions were, actually, but they didn't entice me. At all."

"So you just wanted a good excuse to get out of the pregnancy rumors?" He pursed his lips and wiped a hand down his tired face.

Roy scoffed. "No, it wasn't an excuse. But speaking of rumors, where the hell did you get that one?"

"Is it really, completely, utterly false?" Robin asked.

"Yeah."

"And you aren't Raven's boyfriend."

"No. I haven't slept with her, kissed her—even really held a conversation with her before yesterday, actually." He shrugged and folded his arms, leaning back in the chair. "So it's ridiculous. Who told you she was pregnant?"

"Your team."

Roy choked on air, spluttering words, letting his mouth open and close repeatedly as words tried—and failed—to form. He let out a slight chuckle, but it held no humor and was really just something for his mouth to do as his mind caught up with it.

"What?" he coughed out after a moment.

"Bumblebee and Aqualad contacted me about twenty minutes ago, and they explained to me their… theory."

"And… and you believed them?" His eyes were still wide and round in shock.

"At first?" Robin shrugged. "Not really. But then…" He sighed, apparently embarrassed by his mistake. "But then their argument actually started to sound convincing, and then they started asking questions about Raven's behavior and it made sense."

"How?"

"When they asked if Raven had been missing from the Tower a lot as of late, I said no. But then, thinking on it, I realized she always would go out to 'bookstores' and 'magic shops,' but I never see her bringing purchases back. And she usually got in late, really late; if I came across her afterward, she'd be happy… fulfilled, or something."

Roy smirked, brought out of his stun by the chance at an innuendo. "It's 'cause I'm such a great fuck," he grinned.

He watched, malicious smile pasted on his face as Robin's expression changed into a number of rapid emotions, changing color as well—his normally-pale skin darkened to an ugly mix of red and purple. "So it is true?" he managed.

"Not at all." Roy set his forehead on the edge of the table, staring down at his lap for a few seconds before closing his eyes. "I was kidding. But why would Raven's disappearances have anything to do with—"

"They said you two were probably meeting away from anyone's eyes; 'a romance in the privacy of your own hotel room,' as Bumblebee put it." Robin's face began to hint back at a normal shade. "So you're sure it's false?"

"Yes!" Roy groaned, sitting up and pushing himself away from the table. He rose from the chair only to collapse into the leather couch of the makeshift annex. "But god, I can't believe those two! Where the fuck did they even get—"

"They're only concerned for you," Robin muttered quietly. "You've been acting strange, I heard. And you even had to talk to Raven—what was that about, if not about a faux pregnancy?"

Speedy looked up at him, contemplating the consequences of telling him versus the consequences of not telling him. He weighed them in his mind; he could either avoid an extremely awkward conversation with Robin and risk becoming untrustworthy in his eyes, or he could simply lay everything on the table and clear the entire matter up.

Assuming Robin wasn't as homophobic as he was acting… Roy nodded; the latter option would be best, awkward or not.

"Speedy?" Patient blue eyes stared at him from across the room, severe but worried.

"Where to start, where to start," Roy murmured, rising from his position on the couch. Whenever he brought up Garth and their 'bond,' he couldn't sit still and keep from fidgeting. "Well," he said, drawing out the word, "you heard Beast Boy's little… exclamation."

"Of you being gay?"

Roy winced. "Yes. Well, it wasn't… entirely…" His mouth twisted down when he turned and saw the Boy Wonder's face. "What?"

Apparently unaware of the disgust he was showing, Robin jerked his eyes to meet Roy's, confusion mixing in with repulsion. "What, what?"

"Nevermind," he snapped, rolling his eyes and turning hotly. "Anyway—those rumors weren't entirely untrue. But!" he said before Robin could speak. "I am not gay."

"But you just—"

"It's true," he went on, beginning to gesture as his hands needed to be occupied, "that I do not find my gender attractive. But at the same time… There is… one exception."

"Who?" Robin asked weakly.

"It's not you," Speedy laughed, reading into that look; it made Robin appear slightly less ill. "God, no. If I wanted to date you, I'd just get a mirror, or maybe a cut-out of myself. No, no, definitely not you."

"Who, then?"

He licked his lips, suddenly unsure of himself. "It's not really that I'm attracted to him," he started, but then shook his head. "Well, no, I am. But… it's not…" Roy suddenly groaned, setting his head in his palms, running his hands down his face in frustration. "I don't know how to explain it, at least not so you would get it."

"Try?"

It was obvious to Speedy that Robin really didn't want him to explain—he probably just wanted him to stop talking about men, actually—but Roy figured he'd already dug in too far to stop now, conclusively. "When you first saw Starfire," he began, not completely sure this would work, "you probably were first attracted to her beauty, right?"

Robin flushed slightly at the abrupt turnaround in topic. "…yes?"

"And it wasn't until later that you actually fell in love with her personality, right?"

"Yes?" he said again.

"It's like that for me," Roy went on. "Not the beauty part, or handsome part, or whatever—it's the personality. It's the… the feeling I get when he's around. I feel better, like I'm in a soothing paradise, but at the same time it makes me anxious, because I want to be perfect for him and I'm not. And obviously I freak out over the blatant problem—we're both guys—and that just makes me even more nervous, so I can't do anything but be mean to him…"

When there was no answer from the Boy Wonder, Roy jerked his head around to see what the problem was. Robin merely stared at him, mouth hanging open a bit, eyebrows raised. After a few seconds, he half-smiled without closing his mouth, and then laughed.

"What?" Speedy wondered, surprised.

He massaged the bridge of his nose, closing his lips and shaking his head. "I… I don't know. This is so wrong, to be discussing this. To be discussing the… the way this person is… making you feel? It's insane! You can't be gay—you're Speedy, for god's sake! You like women! I've seen you with women! I've seen you with lots of women!"

There was no way to reply to that, so Roy stayed silent and let him continue.

"And now you're swooning over some—oh, shoot me—guy you know. You're turning into a woman yourself, Speedy! You say you aren't gay, but—"

"I'm not gay," he interrupted, tone bland. "Everyone keeps throwing around that word—Speedy, you're gay; Speedy, you're not gay; Speedy, you're fucking, blazing, 'gay-er than gay' gay—and I'm telling you, I'm not into that! My fucking type is not 'men!' My type, if anything, is only 'Aqualad!'"

He was in such a heated state that he didn't notice he let slip the name until after it happened. There was a moment of near-silence—Roy out a hissed "Shit!"—and then, instantly, Robin broke into hysterical laughter.

"Aqualad!" he roared, nearing falling off his chair as he doubled over, amused to the point of frenzy. "He's—oh, god!" Another peal of laughter ripped itself from his lungs and he bent over the table, clutching the arm of the nearest chair. "Aqua…! Speedy, Speedy and… Aq… Aqua…"

"Yes, yes, very funny," Roy murmured, arms crossed, half-annoyed yet half-relieved at the humored reaction. He was expecting something like a violent, angry, even threatening response, certainly not hilarity. "Now, if you're done…"

"No… god, I can't… can't breathe…" Robin inhaled deeply, pausing, but then he took another look at Roy and burst in hysterics again, fanning his flushed face. "And you said… he makes… oh, good god, Speedy…"

Roy turned, facing the wall, letting him calm down before speaking again. "Now," he threw over his shoulder, "since you obviously find this so amusing, I'm going to go back to my own Tower. Just to sum up this little conversation, I'm not gay. I am not into gay porn. Those are not my magazines. Raven is not pregnant, and you will pass none of this conversation to Starfire or Cyborg, nor any of Titans East. And Dick, I swear to fucking hell," he said, turning now with teeth gritted. "If you breathe a word of this to Aqualad, I will personally, and without anesthetics, fucking castrate you."

Robin nodded, the last of his giggles faded; he subconscious swallowed at the sound of his given name matched with an utterly-serious threat.

"Get it?" the archer growled. Seeing the returned nod, he stormed out the door. "If you'll excuse me," he muttered as he went. "I have a bug to stomp and a fish to fucking fry."

Robin understood after a moment that he was referring to his teammates, but the Boy Wonder knew better than to add in a quip about using fuck and Aqualad in the same sentence.

xXx

Raven, hearing the din from the meeting room fade, started to hear a new noise—a voice from the room at the end of the hall, yelling something over and over. It sounded like Roy… but that was impossible; she'd seen him go the other direction, toward the elevator, and unless he learned to teleport…

As she got closer, she realized it was the security monitoring room and felt her stomach fill with lead. She slammed her palm into the panel and practically ran through the door, stopping abruptly as the voice's meaning settled.

"—type is not 'men!' My type, if anything is only 'Aqualad!' My fucking type is not 'men!' My type, if anything, is only 'Aqualad!' My fucking type is not—"

"Raven," the low voice of the hulking, half-metal teammate muttered as he turned to her in blatant bewilderment. "Am I… missing something?"

She couldn't speak; her eyes just kept watching Roy's frantic expression change on the screen as the segment played on a loop.

"—type, if anything, is only 'Aqualad!' My fucking type is not 'men!' My type, if anything, is only 'Aqualad!' My fucking type is not 'men!' My type, if anything, is only 'Aqua—"

"Azar," she groaned, sinking into the nearest seat. "So you know…"

Up next, the big showdown between Roy and Garth! (bursts into a fit of giggles) I don't know how "big" it's going to be, but it surely will be… long. And perhaps violent. And perhaps Roy will need 'alternative methods' (ooh-hoo!) to prove that he is not sleeping with Raven, and never will.

Personally, I like 'alternative methods.' xD There are a lot of 'alternative methods' going to be used to figure out what the hell Roy is feeling… fufu…

And then… (tee hee) There are a few kisses in the future. Please bear with me until then… :3

Question: I am the beginning of sorrow, and the end of sickness. You cannot express happiness without me; yet I am in the midst of crosses. I am always in risk, yet never in danger. You may find me in the sun, but I am never out of darkness.

No hint this week, though I love this riddle. It's not so hard once you figure it out (Are you clever enough?) and yet I thought it might pose a challenge, so you people have two weeks to figure it out. If you think you know the answer, just remember that the dates of my absence are in the postscript of chapter six.

Oh—another strange question I received, just to clear things up… I am not going on a tour with a band, nor am I touring for a movie or book. (xD!) Two of you asked me that in e-mails, so I don't know what your pennames on here are, but please know… I'm just going with the French club at my school. That is all.

(…though it was rather comical, imagining myself in a band…)

And, stealing the idea from the lovely ferretgirl-1124… you guys can instant message me, if you want. On AIM, I'm "MagentaHippo." ((kicks you) I know it's silly, but I've had it since I was seven and never bothered to change it. I like it, so blah.) I'm really not a scary person; if you see me online, go ahead and say aloha.