Lizzy and I stopped on the way home from her play date with Lola to pick up flowers for Cat. I saw fresh flowers on the Dupuis' counter and it hit me that I've never given Cat flowers. Actually, there are a lot of first dating things that we've never done. Our relationship, like this lock out season, has been very fast paced and without time to catch our breath. For the first time, I find myself wishing that the season was over, with a Cup win of course, so that we can be at home in Nova Scotia and simply focus on us. We only have this series with the Bruins and then we'll probably play Chicago for the Stanley Cup. Then we're off to our new life together.

Inside the flower shop, Lizzy's head swivels constantly to take everything in. She finds something that she likes and runs toward it.

"Daddy! Petty, petty" she says.

"Yes princess, they are pretty" I reply.

The flowers look like ones my mom has in her garden. They are very pretty but not what you buy for the woman you love.

"Those are called mums" the woman behind the counter says. She walks toward Lizzy and pulls the plant down to Lizzy's level. "Would you like to smell them?"

Lizzy leans in and takes a deep breath.

She turns to me again and says "petty daddy."

I chuckle. This little girl has me completely wrapped around her finger and she knows it.

"Would you like to get those for mommy princess? They can be from you."

Lizzy jumps up and down clapping her hands and the woman takes the plant to the register.

"Is there anything else you would like to see Sid?" the clerk asks me.

Immediately I go on guard. I know she's recognized me because I didn't say my name and Lizzy has been calling me 'daddy'. Quickly, I walk over to Lizzy and scoop her up just in case.

"I'm sorry" the clerk says noticing the change in me. "I'm a huge Pens fan but I really shouldn't have done that. It must be so weird having people know you when you have no idea who they are. My apologies."

She looks genuine as she smiles at me. I keep my guard up but decide to keep shopping.

"It can be interesting" I answer her question. "I'm more traditional with flowers and think I'm going to go with roses; maybe two dozen."

"You can't go wrong with roses but, if you want to do something a little different, you could go with pink instead of red. Or, if you want to be very different, you could go with multiple colours." She points to the fridge where there are a large variety of colours. It seems they have every possible colour you could imagine.

"Is this for your girlfriend?" she asks which puts me on guard again. "I'm not trying to pry Sid. I ask because you'll want different colours and flowers if it's for a girlfriend or a girl who is a friend."

"It's my girlfriend" I confirm.

The clerk smiles and reaches into the fridge. Lizzy and I watch as she pulls out different colours, all in the pinks and purples, to make a beautiful group. I guess they call it a bouquet.

"What do you think?" the clerk asks me.

I turn to Lizzy and ask "pretty?"

"Petty!" she agrees.

The clerk wraps the roses and plant up for us. When we're back in the car, Lizzy starts singing some song from her cartoons. I love how she can do that; simply amuse herself. We'll definitely have to give her sisters and brothers to play with but I agree with Cat and want to wait a little while.

My phone beeps to tell me that I have a voicemail. Someone must have called while I was in the florist and left my phone in the car. I use the car's hands-free function to call my voicemail. Cat's voice comes on.

"Hi, it's me. "I'm on my way home and wanted to let you know. I missed you today and can't wait to see you. I love you so much Sidney. See you soon."

Those words are like magic. "I love you so much Sidney." It always puts a smile on my face and a twitch in my dick.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy!" Lizzy sings in the back seat.

"Yep, we'll see mommy soon princess."

When we get home, Cat hasn't arrived yet so Lizzy and I set up the flowers and make lunch. I have Lizzy up at the breakfast bar ripping the lettuce for a salad. The look of concentration on her face is comical. When Cat isn't home by the time we've finished making lunch, I call her. The phone goes directly to voice mail which is weird but she could be going through one of Pittsburgh's many tunnels. At least everything is ready for lunch when she does come home. I notice Lizzy yawning so I take her with me to the living room, put some cartoons on the TV and we both lay down together. I love the way she cuddles into me. I start yawning too and follow Lizzy into sleep.

There's banging that I don't recognize through the haze of sleep. Slowly I become conscious and figure out that there is banging on the door. That's weird. When I get up, Lizzy begins to stretch and come awake too. The light coming in from the windows is waning which tells me that it's late afternoon. I briefly wonder where Cat is as I answer the door. On the other side are Mario and Nathalie. They both look serious and Nathalie is very pale.

"Hi, this is a surprise" I say and gesture them in.

"Hi Sid. We've been trying to call you" Mario says as he comes in.

I look for my cell phone and realize that I forgot it in the kitchen. When I get it, I see that there are dozens of calls from Nathalie and Mario as well as each of my parents and phone numbers that I don't recognize. Now I'm worried.

"I had my phone on vibrate and Lizzy and I were taking a nap" I say as I re-enter the living room. "What's wrong?"

Mario and Nathalie look at each other and then Nathalie says "why don't I take Lizzy into the kitchen so that we can grab a snack."

I simply nod as they leave the living room. Mario gestures to the sofa and we both sit. I'm really starting to freak out now.

"What's wrong?" I demand as it hits me. "Where is Cat?"

"Sid" Mario begins but then pauses.

"Seriously Mario, what the fuck is going on?"

"Sid, there's been an accident. The best that the police can piece together is that Cat didn't notice the cross walk sign was red. She crossed the street and walk directly in front of a bus."

I'm trying to focus on what Mario is saying but it doesn't feel real to me. It feels like I'm watching this conversation rather than participating in it. This can't be really happening. I must be still asleep and dreaming this conversation. Any moment I'll wake up with Cat sitting on the sofa gently waking me and Lizzy for lunch.

"Sid" Mario says drawing my attention back to him. He touches my arm and continues. "Sid, she died instantly. The bus was travelling at the full speed limit and there wasn't anything that the driver could do. A witness said that Cat was talking on her phone and only realized that she was in the middle of talking on the phone and didn't see that the light was red."

Now I know that I'm still asleep. Cat could not be dead. She can't be gone. I was sleeping with Lizzy on the sofa. I must still be asleep and this is a nightmare. I'll wake and both Lizzy and Cat will be in my arms; both of my girls.

"Sid" Mario says softly and I focus back on him.

I don't know what to say. This can't be true. This has to be a nightmare.

"Sid" Mario says again.

Finally, I find my voice. "No" is all I can say.

"Sid" Mario says again only this time softer.

"No" I repeat. "She can't be dead. She can't be gone."

"Sid, I'm so sorry but she is gone. They pronounced her dead on the scene. The police found a business card on her for a lawyer friend of mine and called him. He led them to me and then I spoke to the police myself. It was her and she is gone. I've called your parents and arranged a plane for them to come back directly."

I hear his words, they are coming in through my ears and to my brain; but, I don't know what he's saying. I can't figure it out.

"She can't be gone" I tell him and hear desperation enter my voice. "She's not" I tell him stronger now.

"Sid, I'm sorry but she is."

"There has to be a mistake. We're celebrating tonight. Cat has a surprise for me that she says I'll love but wouldn't tell me what it is. I made lunch and bought her flowers." I can hear the hysteria coming into my voice. "We're getting married Mario. This August we're getting married. I'm sorry that I haven't told you and Nathalie about it but it's been so busy with getting back on the ice from the injury and then you know how crazy the play offs can get. We really want to tell you together since you and Nathalie have been so good to us and Lizzy. Of course Lizzy wants to be there when we tell you. She's so excited to have a mommy and daddy now. We're going to have more children you know. I was thinking about four, like you guys, but it could be more. We both want a large family and lots of kids. We'll wait for a little while but not too long. Lizzy is going to be a great big sister. I can't wait to see her with a new baby. She's so good with Duper's littlest ones."

I know that I've been babbling but I couldn't stop myself until Mario put his hand on my shoulder then I stop.

"Sid" he says softly.

"No" comes out of my mouth.

"Sid" he says again, in a whisper now.

"No Mario. No."

I see the truth, finally see it on Mario's face and it gets through all of my denials. Cat is dead. She's gone. There's no mistake and this is not a nightmare. Actually, it is a nightmare but a wide awake kind.

"Daddy!" I turn just in time to catch Lizzy as she jumps onto my lap. "I had appo juice."

Lizzy throws her arms around my neck and I can smell the apple juice on her. I hold Lizzy close and it enters my consciousness that this beautiful, innocent child has lost her mom. How do I tell her that her mom is gone and she'll never see her again? How do you do that to a three year old? How can I destroy her life that way?

I look up over Lizzy's shoulder and see Nathalie. She tilts her head and mouths 'not now' to me. Yeah, she's right. I can't tell Lizzy now. I can't even comprehend this myself. How could I possibly tell our daughter?

"Lizzy" Nathalie begins. "Why don't you come home with me? You can see Austin." Nathalie knows that Lizzy loves Austin.

Lizzy jumps out of my arms and runs to Nathalie. They're in coats and boots before it registers to me that they're leaving.

"Bye daddy. See you" she says. It's her new favourite saying, 'see you.'

I follow them to the door and pick Lizzy up to hug her close.

"Daddy, tight, owey."

I realize that I'm holding her too tight and let her go.

"I'll see you later princess" I tell her and hear the tears in my voice threatening to come out.

Nathalie kisses my cheek and whispers "I'll take care of her, don't worry" before they leave.

I sit back down on the sofa beside Mario. We're both silent for a few moments.

"I don't believe it" I say without even realizing that's what I'm going to say. "I can't believe that this has happened. Everything has been perfect; I was playing again and we're winning, Cat agreed to marry me and Lizzy … God Mario, how am I going to tell Lizzy."

"Sid, don't get ahead of yourself, ok? You're still in shock. Fuck kid, I'm still in shock. Take some time to absorb this before you figure out the rest. Besides, you aren't alone. Nathalie and I are here for you."

I'm about to respond when the door opens and my parents come in. Mom rushes directly to sofa beside me and pulls me into her arms. I guess it doesn't matter how old you are because your mom is always your mom. She holds me and rocks me slowly like I'm sure she did when I was young. That's when I really know it's true that I've lost the love of my life forever. I'm here and Cat's gone. She's gone. Maybe if I keep repeating it than I'll believe it.

I pull back and see that mom is crying. I grab some tissue for her and watch as she wipes at her eyes and nose. I look over at dad sitting in the chair opposite the sofa looking incredibly sad.

"I don't know what to say" dad says softly.

"Yeah, neither do I dad." I turn to Mario and ask "is there something that I'm supposed to do?"

Mario shakes his head. "No Sid, she's been definitively identified. We'll need to wait for them to release her before we can have the funeral."

It's real. Mario just said the word 'funeral' so it's real. What am I supposed to do now? Suddenly I can't sit anymore so I get up to look out the windows. Cat loves, loved, the windows in this place. The first few times here she would go directly to the windows and look outside. Lizzy did the same thing the first time she visited. They both loved the view and could stare out for hours. I look over at the dining room and remember the first time that Cat was here for lunch. For a brief moment I had thought about cooking for her but that thought quickly passed so I got take-out. She didn't mind thankfully. The kitchen was a place we had a lot of special moments; many of them naked.

"I can't stay here" I tell everyone. "I need to get out of here."

Before they can say anything, I grab my keys and leave the apartment. When I get in the elevator, I hear my dad say "let him go Trina."

I drive. I don't know where I'm going but I simply drive until I find myself at Consol. If I was thinking straight then I would have known this is where I'd come. It's predictable. There's some ice skating show going on so I slip in the back and go directly to the change room, get into my work out gear and go to the gym. I crank up the treadmill and run. I try to block out everything from my mind and focus on my muscles straining, the thump of my feet hitting the belt and the sweat that begins to form on my brow. I run faster and begin to feel my lungs straining and my legs burning. Time has no meaning for me. It could be hours that go by and I only know it's been a long time because my lungs are strained hard and burning. The only thing I focus on is running. If I can keep running then nothing else is real. If I keep running then I can block everything else out of my mind, out of my heart. If I keep running then it won't be true; Cat won't be gone.

That's when it comes back and the truth washes over me. Cat is gone and I am alone. Actually, it's much scarier because I'm not alone; I now have to raise our daughter alone. How am I going to do this without Cat? In a matter of months, Cat and Lizzy have become my whole world. How am I going to go on? I press the treadmill's emergency stop button and just make it to the washroom in time to vomit. Between the run and the pain, I have no idea which has made me lose my lunch but it doesn't matter. Nothing really seems to matter right now. I simply sink to the floor against the cold wall.

The door to the bathroom opens and Duper walks in, sees me there and silently sits on the floor beside me. We simply sit there, silent, for minutes or hours; I really don't know how long it is and it doesn't matter. The pain doesn't lessen but I do feel some comfort having my friend beside me. He has a family, he has a woman that he loves; Duper understands what that is and how they are your whole life. Finally, I pull myself together enough to talk.

"What am I going to do Dupe?" I ask softly.

"I don't know what to say man. I just don't know" is all he replies.

"Did Mario tell you?" I ask him.

"No, your dad called me after you left the apartment. We all figured that you would come here."

I can only nod.

"Seriously Dupe, what am I going to do?"

He sighs, "Sid, you've been through a lot of challenges in your life and had the strength to get through them. Of course all other challenges pale in comparison to this one; but, you will get through this too."

"I don't know this time Dupe. I just don't know how I'm going to get through this; it's still not even real that she's gone. I keep waiting for someone to tell me that there was some mistake and that this isn't happening."

"Is there a chance that it isn't true?"

"No. They have her phone, ID and stuff. It's her."

I scrub my hands over my face but barely feel it. I'm numb, simply numb.

"Fuck Dupe. What am I going to do?"

"Sid, you're not going to like it but you're going to pick yourself up and go on. You have the best reason to; and, for the first time in your life, the reason isn't hockey. It's that little girl who is now your daughter."

He's right of course. I have Lizzy to think about now. Maybe she's how I'll get through this or, more probably, Lizzy and I will get through this together. That's when I remember that she's with Nathalie right now at the Lemieux's.

I stand up and then reach down to help Duper up too. We end up in a brief hug that speaks to Duper's support more than anything else could.

"You're right Duper. I have to get cleaned up and then go get Lizzy."

"You want me to stay Sid or go with you?"

I smile for the first time in hours. It's just like him to offer to stay when his own family is waiting for him at home.

"Thanks but I'm ok. Go home to your family." As I say this, it reminds me that I've lost the family I barely had.

Duper leaves and I shower then dress. First I call my parents and tell them that I'm ok and going to get Lizzy. Dad sounds relieved to hear from me. Then I call Nathalie and tell her that I'm on my way to pick Lizzy up.

As I drive there, my thoughts turn from my pain to how I'm going to explain this to Lizzy. How do I tell her that she may have gained a daddy but lost a mommy? Is this why they were brought into my life? Was it destined that Cat was going to be hit by that bus and we found each other so that I could care for Lizzy? Is the universe or God that cruel? Or maybe it's kind? What the fuck do I know? Nothing, that's what I know, absolutely nothing.

I make a silent vow to Cat and promise to love and care for our daughter. She will know that she is loved, always. I'll make sure that Lizzy always remembers how much her mommy loved her. We had a perfect moment in time as a family and I need to make sure that Lizzy knows and always feel it. Many people don't get to experience this kind of love in their lifetime and I know I'll never feel it again.

I pull up to the Lemieux's house and turn off the car.

"Cat" I say softly. "I will take care of our little girl. I can only pray that I can do half as good as you would have if you were still with us. You always said that you admired my focus. Know that I will focus on our daughter and ensure that she knows how much you loved her. What I feel doesn't matter. Everything I'll do is for her" I vow.

Now I only hope that I can live up to that vow.

The End?

Author's Note: Thank you all for staying with me through this story. This was always the intention for this story, to explore loss and love, but it is not the end. Stay tuned for the sequel to Chasing Cat, I'll Always Love You. See how Sid tries to heal and live up to his vow. Will the Pen's new sport psychologist be able to help him heal and, maybe, even love again?