Disclaimer: All Bufy/Angel characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. All Hellsing characters (or, at least, the ones I am using) are derived from the originals, which could possibly be owned by Kouta Hirano, Young King Ours, Shōnen Gahosha, Dark Horse Comics, or Gonzo. Used without permission, and with no intent to assume any kinds of rights over any of the characters.

Noone saw Xander for the rest of the weekend.

Saturday morning came bright and early, but Xander was already awake. In point of fact, he'd never fallen asleep. He just lay in his bed, hands folded under his head, staring up at the ceiling. His pillowcase clung to his face, damp with the tears that flowed down the sophomore's face through the night.

In his mind, Xander repeated the same image over and over again. He shoved a stake into his best friend's heart. Jesse's betrayed look. Him crumbling to ash. Over and over and over and over again, it filtered through his head, only interrupted by other scenes. Bad ones. All the times that he betrayed his best friend in even the smallest of ways. Snatching the last piece of pizza when he knew that Jesse would have wanted it ('cause man, could that guy eat). Telling fibs to Willow that made her hate Jesse (for all of five minutes) when they were seven. Taunting him about his crush on Cordelia when they were thirteen... and then telling Cordelia that Jesse had that crush on her.

Kids could be cruel.

And now he'd never have a chance to apologize, to make up for it.

Xander never came downstairs for food, starving himself because he thought he deserved it. His parents never noticed, too busy drinking themselves into a stupor.

Sometime during the day, he fell asleep, the exhaustion catching up him. He was out for the rest of the night.

Early Sunday morning, when Xander awoke, the first thing he noticed was that he was hungry. That wasn't unexpected, of course, considering he hadn't eaten in more than a day. He went downstairs and made himself something to eat, passing his father who was passed out in his reclining chair, snoring loudly. He made a minimal effort, which resolved to a series of peanut butter and... bread sandwiches. They were out of jelly.

At 7:45 in the morning, Xander stepped out of his house wearing a formal suit. He walked down Main Street until he reached his family church, Trinity Episcopal. He was just a bit early for morning services, so he took a few minutes to kneel at his pew to prepare.

When the service was over, Xander didn't remember any of it. He'd been on automatic the whole time, standing, sitting, singing, praying, and listening to the organ. But none of the words penetrated. He turned and headed back towards his house, not noticing the vestmented clergyman following him with his eyes, a look of understanding on his face.

Sunnydale's clergy were, unfortunately, all too familiar with the dazed kind of look that Xander has on his face.

When Xander opened the door to his house, he was immediately accosted by his father. "Where have you been, boy?!"

"I went to church," he muttered, head down, hair covering his facial features. Tony Harris backed off. Xander didn't notice. He just went back up to his room and changed out of his clothes.

An unknown time later, Xander found himself staring at his image in the bathroom mirror. He didn't recall how long he'd been there, but some part of him was demanding that he notice. Even as he watched - like watching from outside his body - his facial features firmed up into determination. He refused to keep wasting his life away like this, even if it had been only a couple of days.

Ten minutes later, he was out of the house, having bypassed his parents without telling them anything (again) and on his way to a place he wasn't known for going to.

The library.

No, not the one in the high school, but the Sunnydale Public library. Oh, how Willow would laugh if she ever found out he went in there of his own free will!

So he never told her. Xander never told Willow that there were many times when he went to the library, mostly to read (or reread) old comic books or science fiction by authors like Asimov, Bradbury or Heinlein, or even funny books like those by Douglas Adams.

But this time, it wasn't for any of those things. The library was a place he could go when he had to get out of the house, but couldn't go to Willow's, or Jesse's, and he was too bored to spend it in one of his many hiding places around town. But this time, it wasn't for that either.

Xander made a beeline straight for the newspaper section, grabbing a pencil and something to write on, and began going through the microfiche archives.

Several hours later, he returned home, exhausted again. But it was a good exhausted.

* * * *

"Yes," came the female British voice as Xander arrived at the doors to the High School library. That caused him to hesitate, only to hear her continue. "I'm here to act as a liaison between the Slayer and the Hellsing Organization."

Xander pushed his way past the swinging library doors, which, of course, resulted in both the people talking going silent. Giles and the young woman were standing in the middle of the room, and Xander's eyes were immediately attracted to two points on that latter form. He circled the woman, her eyes following him, before he got control of himself and yanked his head up to meet her eyes. Her red eyes. And not from being bloodshot either.

"Oh, don't mind me," he finally said. "I already know about the Slayer, so it's no secret you need to keep from me."

You know, when you really need a distraction from the throes of grief, a girl with red eyes, blonde hair, a great rear end, and long, long legs only covered to mid-thigh is a fantastic way to do it. And that's not even mentioning the best part. It's especially effective when you're almost sixteen years old and think about sex every seven seconds or so.

The bell rang, announcing that classes would be starting soon, so Xander was forced to get up, borrowing a book to cover a rather... unfortunate reaction. Just as he cleared the room, he looked back... and he could have sworn he saw a grin on the woman's face.

* * * *

Cordelia was talking to her hangers-on, and they were, true to their role, hanging on her every word. "Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf? But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking. And Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even rem..."

Xander moved away from where he'd been standing by Buffy and Willow to put himself in the way of Sunnydale High's Queen Bitch, forcing her to stop. Normally, this would give Cordelia a chance to criticize Xander's choice of Hawaiian shirt, but he wasn't wearing one today. No. Today he was dressed in black. Black jeans, solid black T-shirt. His hair was as mussed as it usually was, though.

"What is your damage, Harris? Can't you..." But she got no further, because Xander interrupted, his tone angry.

"You think you're so much better than all these others, Cordelia. But you're a sheep, just like them. A high-class sheep, but... no, let me rephrase. You're an expensive sheep, but you're a sheep just like the rest."

Xander turned and stalked off. Buffy stared at him. Willow stared at him. But the one with the most shocked look on her face was Cordelia herself.

"Now just wait one minute, Harris!" Cordelia roared, drawing attention from everyone in the hallway as she stomped off after the tall sophomore. She actually ended up having to run to catch him. Xander was taller than she was, and he wasn't shorting his stride in any way.

"Where do you get the balls to say something like that to me?" Cordelia demanded, putting her hand on his shoulder to spin him around.

Xander shook Cordelia's hand off and he continued on his way. In an attempt to get the last word in, Cordelia said, in a taunting voice, "Yeah, that's right, Harris. Go play with your boooooyfriend, McNally. He's..."

Xander turned so fast that Cordelia's further comment ground to a halt. Back with Buffy, Willow froze, and muttered, "Oh shit. He's gonna blow sky-high."

Buffy began to move forward, intent on stopping Xander before he did something he'd later regret.

But Xander was a lot closer to his target. He moved straight up to Cordelia. Got right into her face, invading her personal space, and muttered right into her ear. His voice was so low that Buffy only barely heard it, and that only because the entire hallway had gone dead silent.

"Jesse's dead, you bitch. Don't you ever talk about him that way again. You were there when he died. If you weren't a sheep, just following everyone else along, you'd admit that."

Cordelia choked on whatever she had intended to say, her thought processes grinding to a halt. Jesse McNally? Dead? But... but... she'd never given him a chance! She'd enjoyed putting him down and having him follow her around with his nervous puppy attitude. Tears sprang to her eyes unexpectedly, and she found herself back-pedaling to cover it.

Xander turned back around and stomped away. Buffy stopped, unsure what to do.

"Whoa, that was really weird," Harmony said, as she stepped up to Cordelia. For a moment, it looked like the one she followed was about to cry? That didn't make sense, did it?

Cordelia took a deep breath, and turned to Harmony and the rest of the Cordettes, who were also arriving. "Yeah, it was actually kinda...." sexy "... scary." She mock-shuddered and said to the others, "Let's get to class."

Oh gods, she thought to herself. Did I just think that that loser Xander Harris was kinda sexy? Someone kill me now!