Chapter Sixteen

Second Anniversary

Max Voiceover (On the roof looking out onto the night)-

Two years ago today I met Logan Cale. Ultimate defender of the downtrodden….He's really earned that title this year. He's given up everything to help us.

Alec made a comment to me a few weeks back about Logan doing all of this because of me…Sometime it just shows how little everyone else knows about him…Logan would have been here regardless of me….Maybe not as fully involved, but that's only because he wouldn't have been given the same access to us. It's funny how the thing that always annoys me the most about him is also the thing I love the most.

I always hated being put second to Eyes Only, I hated how he wasn't living his life as fully as he should have been (then again part of that might have been the wheelchair) and I still hate how he puts his life on the line, especially when it's for me.

God I love him so much for that though. I love him for not even hesitating before jumping up on that car to take out the sniper. I love him for still loving me and protecting me even though he thinks I've betrayed him in the cruelest way. I love the fact that he risked his life to save a young baby…He saved Cale from being someone's science project.

I love how he barely makes a face, when Joshua's up in his talking….I love that he actually ate Mac and Cheese with Hot Dogs.

(Max laughs)

I really love that. Logan Cale, Mr. Ultra Uppity Gourmet was there waving around the hot dog he speared on his fork.

I love how friendly he still is to Alec, how he works side by side with him with no problem…I love how he just wants me to be happy.

I love how he's the most un-ordinary ordinary there is.

I wish I didn't have to think back to a year ago this time…Why did I go out on that ride? Why didn't I go to him? Why'd I always try to hide who I was from him? He always accepted me, without a second thought he accepted me.

I wish I hadn't been so stupid that night. I wish I had gone to him…Told him what was going on…Spent our anniversary together…

(Tears well up in her eyes)

Even if it was just Logan trying to avoid me all evening….I can just see myself pouncing on him and him trying to fight back what he was feeling because he's that kind of guy. We would have been there together though, I wouldn't have betrayed him…

In two days it'll be our anniversary for when I left him….For when I died in arms…

Regret and love were the only two things with me as he held me in his arms, I didn't care about the pain…

Regret that I was leaving him, regret that we'd wasted so much time, regret that he didn't know how much he meant to me….

God though I loved him so much in that moment…All the fighting I did inside myself for that year slipped away, the moment her bullet came at me…I knew I loved him more than anything…I finally understood it was that I was feeling, I finally accepted it instead of fighting it.

I wish it was easier sometimes…That I didn't love him so deeply…That I didn't think about how easy it would be to just lean into his lips….I don't trust myself around him…I'm so afraid that one day I'll forget and…

(Max shakes her head)

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know I can't change the past and I can't do anything to give us a future. Friends. That's what Logan had said to me only days ago. Beyond everything else, we're friends. We're always going to be friends. We can't walk away. As much as it hurts to not be together, it'll always hurt a hell of a lot more to not be in each other's lives.

Maybe it's just that I wish I could forgive myself…Who knows maybe one day I will…