Chapter 19
I Would Have Been Mad Once
Logan Voiceover (sitting on a rooftop looking over at Foggle Towers)-
I would have been mad once.
I would have been furious with her for lying to me.
I would have shut down and blamed myself.
It's more than what I told her. It's more than playing Russian Roulette with the life of the one you love. I was standing there with my stomach in knots, trying to ignore the feeling as I waited for them to walk out of Jam Pony. Then the shots were fired and I reacted on instinct, without thought. Her life was on the line and for once it was in my power to save her or at least die trying.
I had this moment watching the flag when I finally realized what happened, when I finally allowed it all to hit me. I had almost lost her twice in less than a year. Max had almost died before my eyes again and there wouldn't have been a resurrection this time.
I was holding on so tight to her in these past few months, not physically, but mentally. Even when I was pushing her away and keeping my distance, she was never out of my thoughts for a second.
There was this weight that lifted off of me as I held her hand watching the flag. A sense of peace as I realized she was still with me.
She was not only in the world, she was in my world, even after everything that happened.
It was odd to realize in that moment that we'd really only had a year together, still less than two even if I counted the six months she haunted my thoughts. She'd become my world, who am I kidding she still is my world. I still wouldn't be able to survive in a world without her.
The point is she's still in the world. This time I'd been able to save her. I wasn't sitting helpless in a van…
Max would probably say it's some macho male thing, needing to be the hero, the knight in shining armor. I don't care about that though, I don't care how she comes out of a bad situation, I just care that she does.
Holding her hand as that flagged waved….Knowing that I wasn't losing her again…It's funny actually…It made me realize I could let go…I could let go and she'd still be there. I wasn't losing her as I had feared since she came back….She wasn't going anywhere….